Class is in Session!
by Mr. Light Chicken Bulbs
Summary: Ganondorf thinks every fighter other than himself sucks and, being a nice person, takes them under his wing to increase their skills. They get more then they wanted though, as he has a personal vendetta against everyone, even those who he's never met...
1. Class is in Session!

**I've been working on this story for some time, now, and I'm going to post for the hell of it. Enjoy, and leave a review!**

_9:00 am_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed in an accent that sounds like an angry Russian immigrant, spit flying across the room. Someone cried.

"GROW A BACKBONE MARIO!"

Mario from then on hated him.

"I am teacher, Ganondorf," he said. "In Melee I pwn all your asses with my 1337 skillzors-"

"Ganondorf stop with the internet speak," Kirby said.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" he yelled, pulling out his axe sword. "Kirby why the fuck are you here? You're the third best melee fighter!"

"Who's second?" Kirby asked.

"Giga Bowser."

"Then can I leave?" Giga Bowser, who could barely fit in his desk, asked.

"NO!"

"Who's first?" Kirby added.

"ME!" Ganondorf screamed. Mario cried again.

"Why am I here, I'm the gym teacher!" Giga asked. "It's a bit humiliating to be in the same class as my nephew."

"Stop touching yourself and maybe you can leave."

"I'M NOT TOUCHING MYSELF!"

"Not yet…" he said suggestively. "Pikachu do you have any questions?"

"Yes, I-"

"NO QUESTIONS!" he yelled, throwing his sword at Mario who didn't escape unharmed.

"What the hell did I do?" Mario asked.

"LINK! YOU'RE STAYING WITH ME AFTER SCHOOL!"

"What the fuck did I do?" Link asked angrily.

"No fucking swearing in school!"

"You're a hypocrite," Link muttered.

"I AM NOT A HIPPO!" he yelled, throwing another sword at Mario and hitting his jugular.

"AAAAHHHHHH!"

"Okay, any questions?" Ganondorf asked, so calmly it scared them.

"Yes, I-"

"**_NO QUESTIONS!_**" He slaughtered the dying Mario.

"Ganondorf, why are you so angry?" Kid Link asked.

"Why shouldn't I be angry?" Ganondorf asked, throwing Kid Link out the window. Everyone else was scared shitless.

"Now today we will begin with short introductions of ourselves," Ganondorf said.

"But we already know-"

"Shut up Game and Watch!" Ganon shot him with Falco's blaster. "Luigi, you introduce yourself first."

"I am Mario's brother-"

"A brother of Mario… AN ENEMY OF ME!" Ganondorf threw a beam sword at him and punched him.

"You're such an angry person," Peach said.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"Why are you so angry?"

"Why shouldn't I be, ja?"

"It's unhealthy," Peach said.

"Health is for losers and gay people," Ganondorf said. "Are you a gay loser?"

"Yes she is," Luigi said. "She cheated on me with Zelda."

"Oh ho ho ho! Giga Bowser stay away from that window!"

"How did you know?"

"I know everything…"

"Ganondorf you're starting to scare me," Giga Bowser said.

"Just starting? Man, I'm really behind this year," he muttered. He threw a bob-omb at a random person.

"OW!" Pichu yelled.

"Now we're done introductions," Ganondorf said. "LUNCH TIME! EAT NOW!" He took a whip.

_11:00 am_

Link had fought Ganondorf many times before. From Legend of Zelda to Twilight Princess, but this time Ganondorf attacked, he had no choice but to eat lunch as he was whipped by a barbed whip.

"Why must you be so mean to us?" Marth demanded.

"IT MAKES ME FEEL SPECIAL!" He whipped Marth extra hard.

_1:48 pm_

"I will tell you what we will be learning this month, in ordnung?" Ganondorf said.

"Why do you keep switching between different languages?" Roy asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf screamed, throwing Roy into a wall. Everyone else was silent. "This week we learn how to walk. Next we jump. Then run. Lastly, crouch. During the last one, I WILL CUT OFF YOUR LEGS IF YOU DO IT WRONG!" He turned to the chalkboard. "Today, you copy pledge I write on chalkboard. If you behind, I SHOVE MATRESS UP YOUR ASSHOLE!"

He began writing, while talking. "I, insert name here, will do as Ganondorf says or face the consequences. If I disobey or mess up in this pledge, he will kill me. I will also shove a spoon up my ass in front of him by the end of the year." He turned around and began walking between the desks, observing. He smacked Link. "WHY DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME INSTEAD OF INSERT NAME HERE?" Everyone else quickly began editing their papers.

"NO ERASERS! You make mistakes, YOU DIE! Simple as that," Ganondorf ended calmly.

"Why are you so mean to us?" Link asked.

"Why shouldn't I be mean to you?" he demanded, carving out Mario's long dead eye and beating Link over the head with it. "Class will conclude at 3:00. Until then, I whip you until you WRITE PLEDGE 2000 TIMES!"

_4:00 pm_

Ganondorf got out of his car and went into his home. Ganondorf sat at his kitchen table drinking coffee when the phone rang. "WHAT IS IT?" he yelled into the phone.

"My son said you were abusive in class," a parent said.

"Who is your son?" he asked calmly.

"Mario."

"I thought I killed him!"

"What?"

"NO QUESTIONS! MARIO IS STUPID!" he screamed, spit flying from his mouth. In the background, he heard Mario cry. Ganondorf slammed the phone down and calmly had some coffee.


	2. Walking Lessons

Hi, I'm back with chapter 2. I'm working on chapter 3 right now and it's WAY longer then this one, just to let you know. Oh, and could someone tell me a good site to put stuff you've recorded on the Sound Recorder program? Me and the author Kwarsh have recorded chapter one, and if I get it on the internet I'll tell you who voices who. (I voice Ganondorf (: D))

**_Tuesday September 8th: Week 1, Day 2_**

_9:00 am_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, spit flying. Mario cried again. "NO CRYING!"

"Now today, we learn to walk."

"We already know how to walk," Link said. Everyone thought, 'Poor Link…'

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf yelled, throwing a sword at Link. Link ducked and it got Mario.

"What did I do to deserve this?" Mario asked no one.

"YOU PISS ME OFF!" Ganondorf yelled.

_10:30 am, recess_

A small group of people, AKA Link, Mario, Giga Bowser, Bowser and Peach, were hiding under a tree.

"We need to get out of this!" Link said.

"I don't see much of a problem," Bowser said.

"That's because the freak doesn't care about you," Mario said. "I've had numerous pointy objects thrown at me."

"At least none have caused anything fatal."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"WHO'S TALKING ABOUT ME?" Ganondorf yelled.

"No one!" everyone said at once.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!" he threw multiple bombs at them.

"You're a freaking Nazi!" Mario yelled.

"I'M JEWISH!" he stabbed Mario many times. "RECESS OVER!"

"It started twenty seconds ago-"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

_After lunch_

"MATH CLASS!" Ganondorf screamed. Mario cried again. "2 + 2! ANSWER… …Link!"

"4!"

"Good, here's a cookie, ja? 4 + 4! ANSWER Luigi!"

"8!"

"You get a TimBit. 8 + 8! Giga Bowser, ANSWER!"

"16!"

"Nice, here's a popsicle. 16 x 16! MARIO!"

"32!"

"I SAID TIMES!" He threw his light blade at Mario, getting his stomach. "Now we will continue math class. I have paper test, see how good you are. NO TALKING! NO CHEATING! YOU DO ANYTHING I DON'T LIKE, YOU **_DIE_**! Pencils better not make sounds…"

Giga Bowser looked at the test. "Why are the questions in Spanish?"

"Why do you THINK THE QUESTIONS ARE SPANISH?"

"Because you want to see us suffer?" Mario asked, waiting for the pain.

"Exactly," Ganondorf said calmly. "But what did I say about TALKING?" He took out a crossbow and hit Mario between the eyes.

"Done," Link said.

"QUESTIONS IN SPANISH! HOW THE FUCK ARE YOU DONE?"

"We've had our games dubbed you know, and now I can actually call saying those lines that were never in the English version useful," Link answered.

"What lines? Why haven't I heard of them?"

"They were edited to be rated A," Link answered. "Think about it."

_2:30 pm_

"Now we start our walking lesson," the newly dubbed Lord of Pain said calmly. "Do exactly as I."

Ganondorf trudged over to a tree, but tripped halfway.

"Are we supposed to trip too?" Marth snickered. Ganondorf teleported an inch in front of him.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" he screamed, backhanding Marth.

He turned to the rest of them. "_Ready to walk?_" he asked. They cowered in a corner.

Walking was harder then they thought. They had to take exactly seventeen steps to the tree. Any less or more and…

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU **DOING?**"

…that. That was harder for the short people.

"PICHU! Take bigger steps."

"I'm six inches-"

"NOW!"

After twenty hellish minutes they were all gasping out of breath. The walking wasn't the problem, it's just whenever they messed up they had to outrun Ganondorf, who had much more stamina.

"Good job," Ganondorf said. "You people do well, after I have to MODIVATE YOU!"

"I swear that wasn't very fair what you did," Giga Bowser said.

"Putting a machete in a crossbow is perfectly fair," Ganondorf growled. "Now get into class and be perfectly still and quiet for next ten minute. MOVE NOW!" he added, and they all ran when he took out his axe blade.

"Why are you so cruel?" Kid Link asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!" He screamed, shooting a bow-knife, hitting Mario in the back of the head.

"Why… me?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf picked him up by the leg and walked back into the building, "accidentally" hitting his head off the ground and walls multiple times.


	3. GANONBALL!

_Welcome to Class is in Session! Just so you know, the user Kwarsh helped make some jokes in this chapter, the fired joke he made, and some in chapter 1._

**_Wednesday September 9th: Week 1, Day 3_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, causing Mario to cry. "Honestly, are you going to do that every DAY?"

"Can anyone guess what we do today?" he asked calmly. They all shook their heads in union. "RETARDS! GYM!"

"Why gym?" Link asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!" he punch Mario in the face and kicked him in the groin.

"W... was this really necessary?" Mario squeaked.

"NO! Ganon yelled, throwing him out the window. "Get in single file line." They all knew better then to disobey, or screw up. "Hey Liiiiink?" Ganondorf said slowly.

"Y-yes?

"YOU'RE IN SHIT, SEE ME AFTER CLASS!"

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Nothing according to my parole officer..."

In the gym, they were on one side while Ganondorf stood on the other. "Today, we play sport I made. It called, GANONBALL!" Somehow, lightning struck behind him like in a horror movie.

"Are you going to be throwing spiked balls at us?" Link asked.

"No, in case you haven't noticed, your side has landmines. And..." He summoned a ball of lightning and threw it, but Link hit it back. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING LINK? YOU'RE FIRED!"

"FIRED? From what!"

"The team, go on another," Ganondorf ordered.

"Fine, I'll go on your team."

"NOT MINE!"

Link blinked. "Alright, I'll take the third team," he said.

"THIRD TEAM? Are you RETARDED? GO TO THE OFFICE!"

"But-"

"NOW!" He turned to the rest of the class. "Okay summon ball of energy in hand like so." He demonstrated and threw it at Mario.

"Um, we can't do stuff like that-"

"YOUNG LINK? DO YOU WANT TO JOIN YOUR OLDER COUNTERPART?"

"No…"

"Then SHUT IT!" He looked at the rest of them. "Don't just stand there like a deer in my headlights, DO SOMETHING!"

They all began trying to do the impossible feat so that Ganondorf wouldn't kill them all, but Ness actually formed one.

"Nessssss?" Ganondorf said.

"Yes?" Ness asked.

"YOU CHEATED!" He killed Ness instantly. How, no one was sure, because he merely walked away without touching him and Ness fell over dead. "I screamed so loudly the organs in his ears burst and his brain drowned in pools of its own blood," Ganondorf growled evilly.

"TIME TO START! Mario, you're on my team."

"Yes!" Mario said. "Now you can't hurt me!"

"WRONG!"

He picked up Mario and used him as a shield from the fireballs. He ran over to their side. "You aren't allowed to do that!" Young Link said.

"I AM NOW!" He began beating on him using Mario as a bat. Soon it was between Ganondorf and Giga Bowser. Giga blasted a fireball and Ganondorf threw a ball of lightning… at Mario. Then he remembered Giga Bowser and kicked him in the crotch.

"YOU ARE ALL HOPELESS!" he yelled. "I get professional athlete to whip you into shape soon!"

"Will they be using the term 'whip' literally?" Kirby, who was wedged between Bowser and Game & Watch, asked.

"POSSIBLY! But what do I say ABOUT QUESTIONS?"

"Not… to ask them?" Kirby answered.

"You said that in QUESTIONING TONE!" He took out a shotgun.

_Ten minutes later…_

"GANONBALL, ROUND 2!" He started bombarding them with energy balls. Ganondorf took those ten minutes to write a notice on the wall:

**GANONBALL RULES:**

RULE 1 – To get someone out, Ganondorf must strike them with an energy ball  
RULE 2 – YOU CANNOT GET GANONDORF OUT!  
RULE 3 – If you _try _to get Ganondorf out, you will suffer one of two consequences:  
_Man: Ganondorf will castrate you  
Woman: He will… um… DE-ovarate you! Yeah!  
_RULE 4 – Mario is out the moment he moves  
RULE 5 – Ganondorf can make up rules in the middle of play  
RULE 6 – Little Nicky is awesome!  
RULE 7 – If Ganondorf says you're out, you're out!  
If you break any of these rules, Ganondorf will refer to RULE 3

Ganondorf made an energy ball and threw it. Everyone jumped out of the way. "Mario, Kirby and Marth, YOU'RE OUT!" Ganondorf yelled.

"WHY?" Marth screamed.

"REFER TO RULE 7!" Ganondorf bounced a ball of energy like a basketball. "LET'S DO THIS!" He threw a ball and nailed Luigi straight in the nuts. He keeled over on pain, then another balls hit him in the face.

"LUIGI, YOU'RE _OUT!_"

"PICHU, GET OUT OF HERE!"

"HA HA HA! BYE BYE BOWSER!"

"Pichu, seriously, GET OUT OF HERE!"

Young Link and Peach were using their shield and umbrella respectively to block the energy balls. Ganondorf would normally call someone out for that, but he felt it was good sport. Eventually Young Link tripped, and things seemed to go in slow motion. A large grin spread across Ganondorf's face. He got a ball of energy and threw it. Pikachu dove into the path of the energy ball, taking the hit. Young Link ran to him.

"Pikachu! Why did you do it?" Young Link asked, kneeling beside him.

"You… still owe me… 50 bucks," Pikachu croaked, before his eye closed.

The Ganondorf kicked him and stood on top of Young Link. "YOU'RE BOTH OUT!"

Soon everyone who Ganondorf hadn't sent out (Link is at the office, Pichu is gone and Mario was electrocuted to death) were sitting at the side, and Ganondorf had a smug look on his face. "Well, it looks like I WIN!"

"The was never a way for you to lose!" Kirby growled.

"What's your point?" Ganondorf asked.

"I thought you hate questions!"

"ONLY WHEN SOMEONE ASKS ME THEM!" He picked up Kirby and threw him into the basketball hoop. Ganondorf turned to the rest of them. "GYM CLASS IS OVER! GO BACK TO HOMEROOM! I will get Link and Pichu…" He had a sadistic look in his eyes and everyone bolted out the door.

Ganondorf cracked his fingers and went into the hall, toward the office for Link first. He barged in.

"HIYA GANON! Fundayisn'tit, Ilikedayslikethesedon'tyou?Wannacookie?"

"Shut it Crazy," Ganondorf said to the giant left hand. "Where's Link?"

"He'sintheroomtoyourleftareyousureyoudon'twantacookie?" Ganondorf ignored him and picked up Link by his tongue before walking out the door to get Pichu. He found the mouse hiding in a janitor's closet.

"Hiding, WERE YOU?" Ganondorf growled, reaching his hand toward the cowering mouse.


	4. Zelda's Job

**_Thursday September 10th: Week 1, Day 4_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. Mario cried for the fourth time. "Ignoring the RETARD!"

"So what do you bring upon us today oh great king of evil?" Link asked sarcastically.

"DO YOU WANT ME TO GUT YOU LIKE WHALE IN SCOTISH KITCHEN?"

"Uh, people don't usually eat-"

"I know what my diet consist of," Ganondorf said slyly. Link's eye twitched. "But now is not the time for my private life. Parent teacher conferences are time for that. Now is GEOGRAPHY!" He rolled down a map from the ceiling and took out a pointer stick.

"Hyrule is here," he said, pointing somewhere.

"That's Asia," Pikachu said.

"No, this is different map, very SIMILAR though, so DON'T CONTRADICT ME!"

After successfully making Pikachu shit himself, he went back to teaching. "Can anyone tell me where Termina is?"

They were silent.

"Come on, don't be shy…"

Still silence.

"ANSWER BEFORE I EVISERATE YOU ALL!"

"Is it where Australia is?" Mario asked.

"Of course," Ganondorf answered sarcastically. "Because you can ride a horse over an ocean, or," his voice began to drip with overflowing sarcasm, "better yet, I CAN WALK THERE BLINDFOLDED ON A WEE LITTLE PONY, WHILE PLAYING A BANJO AND SPREADING LOVE AND HAPPINESS ACROSS THE WORLD! Because that will DEFINITELY happen."

"No need to be so mean…" Mario muttered.

Ganondorf made a fake cough. "Now that I done verbally assaulting Mario, WHERE IS MUSHROOM KINGDOM?"

"South America!" Mario proclaimed.

"WRONG!"

"WHAT? I LIVE THERE!"

"Did… did you just yell at me?" Mario wet himself. "I think you just yelled at me." Ganondorf had a blank look on his face.

_Ten minutes later:_

Ganondorf came back into the room, using a towel to get the blood off his hands.

"What did you do?" Link asked.

"Not much, he only needs one of everything, right?" Ganondorf asked. "One lung, one kidney, one half of his brain, one testicle-"

"WHAT?"

"Yup." He had a satisfied look on his face. Link shivered.

"Anyway, we won't be seeing Mario for a long time, so can anyone tell me where Mushroom Kingdom is?"

"Um, is it Australia?" Link asked.

"HOW DID YOU KNOW?"

"I know the map, Termina is Africa," Link replied.

"LINK, GO TO DETENTION!"

"WHY?"

"BE LUCKY I'M NOT GIVING YOU AN IN-SCHOOL SUSPENSION!"

Link shivered. He remembered what happened on his first day when Ganon told him to stay after class. So many staplers…

Link trudged out the room and Ganondorf turned to the rest of them. "Open textbooks to page 4."

"We have no textbooks," Luigi said before one nailed him in the head, knocking him out for the whole day. Most of the class had figured out by now that you never point anything out to Ganondorf, unless you wanted to be a Mario.

"NOW YOU GET TEXTBOOK, OPEN!" Ganondorf screamed. "Luigi, since you kind enough to care about not having book, READ NEXT SIX PAGES!"

Luigi paled. "But I'm illiterate," he muttered, but heard the sound of Ganondorf taking a sword out. "Hyrule was discovered in… 1394 by a bunch of gypsies who wanted to make a potato colony-"

"Are you STUPID? That makes no fucking sense!" Ganondorf threw him out the window. He looked at the rest of the class. "Giga Bowser, STAY AWAY FROM THE WINDOW!"

"Dammit…" Giga Bowser muttered.

"El tiempo de causar más dolor."

_Meanwhile…_

Mario was in Zelda's nurse office getting stitched back up. When she was done she brought him back to life… again.

"It's-a me-a! Mario!" he yelled jumping up but she smacked him off the operation table.

"Move, I have someone else," Zelda said as a limping Luigi walked in. "Alright, what now?"

"He threw me out the window…" Luigi muttered.

Zelda rolled her eyes. "Four days and Ganondorf already made me work more then I did in the last two years…"

"Especially with Ganonball," Mario pointed out. The three of them shivered.

Doctor Mario walked in. "Where are the aspirins?" Doctor Mario asked.

"Somewhere," Zelda said.

"Hey-a Doctor-a Mario-a, when-a do-a you-a think-a we-a can-a go-a to-athat-a basketball-a tournament-a?"

"Well-a I-a think-a that-a we-a will-a go-a on-a Tuesday-a."

"Okay-a. I-a think-a that-a will-a be-a good-a time-a."

"Will-a you two talk-a normally?" Zelda asked.

"Nah-a."

_Back in Class…_

"For the eleventh time, WHO CAN TELL ME WHERE DREAM LAND IS?"

_There isn't really much going on there, so let's go back to the medical ward…_

Zelda opened the door to see who was hurt now. Pikachu, Jigglypuff, Kirby, G&W and Bowser were all bruised and bloody. "What happened?"

"We… we… we didn't know where Dream Land was…" Kirby, who was in the fettle position, said. "He wouldn't listen… I knew I shouldn't have come here, but they told me to… why did they tell me to…" He continued rambling for a while.

"Someone get me a syringe, spare bone marrow, some pain killers and I need a Tylenol…"

To shorten things it was a very interesting day.

_5:00_

Ganondorf was sitting at his dinner table having a burger, watching TV. As he was wondering what to do for Friday the doorbell rung. He growled and opened the door.

"WAS ES IST?" he asked in German for some reason.

"Hello, I have your delivery," the mail carrier said. Ganondorf slowly had an EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL grin spread across his face.

"Yesssss, thank you," he signed his name and paid the money. He was about to close the door.

"You know, it's common to tip people," the carrier said.

"Yes well do I look like I CARE?" He slammed the door, and heard "Ouch!" Ganondorf took it to the kitchen table and cut the box open, grinning sadistically at what was inside.


	5. The Adventures of Giga Bowser

_**Friday September 11**__**th**__**: Week 1, Day 5**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, spit flying across the room. Mario cried. "Seriously, STOP THAT!"

"And what do you have in store for us today?" Link asked dully.

"You seem bored Link. Perfect! It will make it easier…"

"Yeah… wait, what?"

"ART CLASS!" Ganondorf yelled. "Today, ACTION PAINTING…"

"Ooo! I love those!" Marth said. "Is that where you just splash on blobs of paint to make something?"

"Yes…"

"YAY!"

"…with two catches."

"Wait, what?"

"First catch, paint is HOTTER THEN LAVA! Second catch, PAINT EXPLODES AFTER 20 SECONDS! You must make it, show it to me and get it a distance from me in the time frame of 20 seconds or YOU FAIL!"

"Are there any other crazy rules?"

"Actually, I spent about seven minutes last night making rules for the game!" Ganondorf said happily. "You start outside and have to win a motorized scooter race to get painting equipment. You have to run inside, paint something, then follow a series of clues on your can to find me, show me the painting, run over Mario with a motor home and get to the classroom in twenty seconds starting from when you get the paint. Then you need to perform one of three Gerudo Rituals written on the board. If you succeed, I give you chance at passing."

"20 seconds…" Roy repeated.

"Um, yup!"

They all went outside. "Everyone, GET ON SCOOTER! If they broken, YOU DIE!"

Everyone got on a scooter. Giga Bowser couldn't really fit on one so he just stood on the ground while holding the scooter. "THREE…TWO…ONE…DON'T GO!" Mario started going, but realized his mistake. Ganondorf put a samurai sword through his forehead. "Now everyone who ISN'T retarded, START!"

Everyone was going at about the same speed, except Giga Bowser who had run ahead of EVERYONE. He made it first and got a paint can.

Marth was second, he made a quick picture and read the first clue. "If you truly want to find me, go see where you'd take a pee." He ran to the bathroom. 12 seconds left. "Your next clue is small as a hair, and you must look into the air." He looked up and saw a thin rope which he climbed to get into an air vent. 7 seconds left. He saw the clue written in front of him. "Sorry but you've just been had, and now you'll probably be really mad. WHAT?" The paint exploded.

Link was third. He made a picture and read the clue. "When I hurt the class I've made, I usually use my favourite blade." He knew he really liked his axe sword, and found it in the classroom. 11 seconds left. "If you touched my favourite sword, I'll feed you to a bison hoard. HE HAS A FUCKING BISON HOARD?" Link looked around, panicking, and threw the paint can out a window when it was about to blow, and heard Jigglypuff scream before a boom silenced all…

Jigglypuff had been next. It made a painting and found the first clue. "Hey you little pink ball of fluff, go and get a pizza puff. Note – if you are actually Jigglypuff then wow I'm good." Jigglypuff was running to the kitchen when a painting fell from the sky and landed on it. Jigglypuff screamed before it exploded.

Giga Bowser had been first, and made a blob while reading the first clue. "If you want my location, you must find the one I shun." He ran over to the revived Mario and ripped the clue off his back, to which Mario made a confused sound. 16 seconds left. "When food is what you wish, you must go and catch a fish." He went to a pond, grabbed a barracuda and took the clue off it. 12 seconds left. "Find me or face impending doom, you'll see what in the water room." He went to the boiler room and saw Ganondorf. 9 seconds left.

"Good job, you're the first one so far," Ganondorf said. He looked at the picture. "It looks like my Aunt Kotake, 86 percent! NOW GO TO CLASSROOM!" Giga Bowser ran to the classroom and looked at the three rituals.

1. Gerudo Rakkasha nec: Gerudo prank phone call.  
2. Norri Ganondorf rocca: Make Ganondorf luch.  
3. Miirec voro facco: Bison herding extreme

Giga Bowser quickly made a cheese sandwich and suddenly Ganondorf ate it. "Good enough," Ganon said. "PROCEED TO NEXT STAGE!" Giga Bowser ran out the door.

Mario was still on the clue stage when he heard a rumbling. He looked in the direction and saw a motor home charging at him. The short man screamed, running as fast as he could, but it was no use…

After Mario was put back in Zelda's care, Giga Bowser ran to the classroom and saw a metal box. He put the painting in a closed it, before hearing a faint boom inside it.

Ganondorf took out a clipboard. "72 percent," he said. They both heard multiple explosions and screams. "Since you done, why don't we see how the OTHERS are doing?" he asked, a sadistic grin spreading across his face. Giga Bowser also had a similar grin. They ran out of the room and hid in a closet just as Pichu came in.

"This is the final clue, in the closet is Giga too."

Giga Bowser turned slowly and looked at Ganondorf. "What can I say, I see the future," Ganondorf said, shrugging. He took a breath. "PICHU GET YOUR ASS OUT THE WINDOW!"

"What? But-"

"NOW! _**JUMP!**_"

Pichu shrugged and jumped out the window, and since it's a three story school, he was lucky he didn't splat across the ground.

"NOW LET'S SABOTAGE MARIO!"

Mario was on fourth second clue. "The next clue to find me today, go inside a Manta Ray." He sighed. Mario had already been in a bear, a tiger and a tiger shark. He had about four seconds left so he threw it out the window. He screamed as it came back, and threw it in a closet, which it rocketed out of and exploded in his face. Giga Bowser walked in the door and Ganondorf came out of the closet. He stuck his head out the window.

"LET THAT BE A WARNING TO THE REST OF YOU! If you disobey, you DIE!"

"What if by disobeying you we hurt someone you hate?" Marth asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!"

"When you say that you don't like questions, is that just because you don't have the answers?" Marth asked again.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"Yup!" Marth declared. He turned around and saw Ganondorf.

"DIE!"

-Math class-

"MATH CLASS NUMBER 2!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Why another?" Link moaned.

"I want to make sure you REMEMBER over the weekend," Ganondorf cackled. "LUIGI, SQUARE ROOT OF 3!"

"Is that even possible?"

"WRONG ANSWER!" He took out his axe-blade and chased Luigi around the room for a few minutes.

"Well… WHO'S NEXT?"

NOW they were scared.

"Uh, we don't know square roots too well," Marth said.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

It was a very interesting day.


	6. Sophistication

_**Monday September 14**__**th**__**, Week 2, Day 6**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" As usual, Mario cried. "STOP CRYING DAMMIT!"

"So what tort-"

"NO TALKING LINK!" Ganondorf screamed. Link moved his deck back. "I may be bitchy today, on the weekend my girlfriend left me…"

"Aren't you always-" Mario stopped when the light sword went through his hat.

"DAMMIT I MISSED!"

"Isn't there another class with a nicer homeroom teacher?" Luigi asked Bowser.

-Three rooms over-

Samus sat in an empty room. "Son of a bitch. Ganondorf took my fucking class again."

-Back with Ganon-

"Today, if you decide that your _personal_ lives are more important then your _actual_ lives, then you are allowed to talk. However, I WILL EVISERATE ANYONE WHO DOES SOMETHING TO ANNOY ME!" He looked at Mario.

"TODAY IS RUNNING DAY! GO OUTSIDE! _**NOW!**_"

The class trudged outside and Ganondorf followed. "START RUNNING! 10000 LAPS! MUST BE DONE IN FIRST PERIOD!"

"But there's only 25-" Luigi shut up when Ganondorf pulled out a multi-barreled bazooka.

"You were saying?"

"I heard that encouragement works better then threatening," Peach stated.

"WELL YOU HEARD FROM NUTJOB WHO WON'T GET PASSED GRADE 4!" Ganondorf screamed. "Now get going or WE PLAY GANONBALL!" Do I even need to say that they took off like a muskrat being chased like a steamroller? Probably…

Ganondorf stood in a booth to the side screaming at them through a microphone. "COME ON ROY YOU CAN RUN FASTER THEN THAT! PICHU, IGNORE THE SQUIRREL OR I'LL SHOOT IT WITH A CROSSBOW! HEY, I SAW THAT LINK! YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASS KICKED!"

Ganondorf jumped out of the booth and began to chase Link, who began running as fast as possible. On Ganondorf's rampage, 6 were hospitalized, 4 were injured severely and there was one casualty. Link had managed to escape for now, but he has about 39 more weeks left.

"Is this all that you LAZY PIECES OF SHIT can do?" Ganondorf asked with irritation in his voice.

"Maybe if you're nicer we could try harder!" Luigi said.

"Your mom needs to try harder, she's way too easy."

"WHAT?"

"Yup, seriously, beating her at chess is like playing a blind mouse!" Ganondorf added and Luigi sighed. "But that's off topic and has nothing to do with my previous comment," he added slyly. Luigi's neck twitched.

"Well there's eight minutes left in the period, and you have around 9982 laps left, Mario still has 9994, despite that his head was crushed he must KEEP RUNNING!" Ganondorf screamed. They all started running if you could call it that, and Ganondorf went back to his booth.

"NEXT PERIOD IS STARTING, ANYONE WHO HASN'T RUN 10000 LAPS, raise your hand," he ended calmly.

Slowly everyone except Bowser, Peach and Young Link raised their hands.

"YOU THREE _**LYING!**_" Ganondorf screamed. "You make me proud…" While he was talking, Luigi stole his cupcake, but nearly got his hand impaled. "Anywho, the rest of you are too big pussies to lie, did you SERIOUSLY think you would be able to run 10000 LAPS? Except Mario, I had full expectations of him, but now he will be punished."

Zelda was scraping Mario's head off the pavement. "Good luck with that," she said.

"I give you all fifteen second break from class, but I expect you to be in your next one by the end, OR PUNISHMENT!"

"What's our next class?" Roy asked.

"You should know, I handed out schedules! Or fed them to my cat, I can't remember, I was very very drunk," Ganondorf mumbled. "FIFTEEN STARTS _NOW!_"

"Where do we go?" Giga Bowser asked.

"He never told us!" Marth replied.

"Let's all go to different classes and one person will eventually not get wounded!" Link suggested.

"Okay!" everyone said and began running inside.

Ganondorf flipped through his magazine. "Eh, I'll give them another minute. In that time, let's see if Nabooru chose Toad or Ridley…"

Pichu and Pikachu were both in the gym. "I think we're wrong," Pichu said.

Link and Marth stood in homeroom. "I really hope this is right," Marth said.

Kirby and Young Link were in the tech room. "Why are we here?" Young Link asked and Kirby shrugged.

Luigi and DK, who had no been mentioned in the first week, were in the art room when Ganondorf walked in. "Ah, someone got the right class!"

"So where is everyone?" Luigi asked.

"Oooo ooo oooo AAAIIII ooo AAAAIIIIIIII oooo AIIIIII!" DK said. (translation: they are prominently still in the ulterior classroom due to Link's fatuous proposition.)

"They aren't here," Ganondorf said. "So now we start ART CLASS!"

"Uh, wait! What about the others?" Luigi asked nervously.

"NO QUESTIONS! But thanks for reminding me!" Ganondorf said. He took out a box with a button on it then pressed the button. "They're taken care of."

"That didn't seem too affective," Luigi stated.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"No!"

"TOO BAD!" He threw his axe-bade which nearly hit Luigi and DK.

"(insert random ape noises)!" (translation: why must you lapidate such cuspate sword in our accustomed direction!)

"Okay, here's a banana," Ganon said, throwing DK a banana.

"(insert more random ape noises)…" (translation: Your peace offering shames me and the rest of my breed, yet I will graciously accept it nonetheless…) DK ate the banana quickly.

"Anyway, you will be starting a long term project…"

-10 minutes later-

The first people to walk in were Giga Bowser and Roy. They looked like they were shot with a flamethrower and hit with in anvil. Giga spat a tooth in the garbage pail. "You pressed the button, didn't you?"

"No questions…" Ganondorf said with a large grin on his face.

"If I stop moving, someone call 911," Roy moaned before collapsing on his desk.

G&W and Peach came in next, in no better condition then the previous two. "We were in the biology room," Peach said.

"THERE IS NO BIOLOGY ROOM!" Ganondorf yelled. "Is there?"

"Crazy stole it from that school across the street on the weekend, remember?" Giga Bowser reminded him.

"I think I just found a new class for us!"

Next were Link and Marth. "Why isn't Roy moving?" Marth asked.

"Shouldn't someone help him?" Link asked.

"No."

"Negative."

"Screw him!"

"NO QUESTIONS!"

"Normally I'd care, but not today."

"(insert ape noises)." (translation: no.)

"Okay Luigi, Peach, Game and Watch, Ganondorf, DK and Giga Bowser in that respective order!" Link said.

They all looked at each other. "I don't think you were paying enough attention," Giga said.

"SHUT UP EVERYONE!" Ganondorf screamed. "I tell you your assignment now. You are to find partner and create artwork that looks like me. It can be anything, painting, statue, NO PHOTOGRAPHS LUIGI, GIVE ME THAT OR _**DIE!**_ Much better. Anyway, have until next art class to create it. It must be done IN DETAIL, RIGHT DOWN TO MY TATTOO!"

"You have a tattoo?" the unfortunate Luigi asked.

"NO… _**QUESTIONS!**_" Mario, who had just walked into the room, was impaled through the forehead. Zelda stared at Ganondorf.

"You asshole."

"Suck it up, princess," Ganondorf said. "Anyway, I expect it done very soon, so don't disappoint." He gave them a look. "YOU DON'T WANT TO DISAPPOINT…"

When certain people were done wetting themselves, DK asked, "(insert DK's standard noises)?" (Translation: What is to be done with the hoi polloi who are elsewhere from our existent conclave?)

"NO QUESTIONS!"

"You actually understood him?"

"NO QUESTIONS!"

Link sighed. "It seems you understood him."

"He spoke in questioning tone."

"(standard ape sounds)." (You are the maximal mentally defected hoi polloi that I can conceive right now.)

"Anyway, those were weren't here can read what happened. MARIO!"

"Yes?" the newly revived Mario asked.

"WRITE DOWN EVERYTHING I JUST SAID!"

"Okay!"

"YOU WEREN'T HERE LIAR! **DIE!**"


	7. Russian Inc

_**Tuesday September 15**__**th**__**, Week 2 Day 7**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!"

Mario couldn't hold back tears.

"Don't cry, it only encourages him," Luigi whispered to him.

"NO WHISPERING!" Ganondorf threw a sword at Luigi which went right through his hat.

"Where do you keep on getting all those things? We destroyed six yesterday!" Link asked.

"E-Bay," Ganondorf replied. "Anywho, we have science first period. So gather up your earthly possessions and mark on this map how big you think the explosion will be!" He pulled out a map and held out a pen. "Come on, don't be shy…"

"We're being afraid, not shy," Marth told him.

"Just for that, Marth gets to hold the acid. Now anyone else feel like being a smart-ass?" Ganondorf growled. Everyone shook their heads. "Okay, then come and mark down your guess."

"We had math this day last week, didn't we?" Roy asked.

"Dude, this is Ganondorf," Link said. "Either last week was a testing week, he has no schedule planned or he just wants to see us suffer in any way possible."

"A little bit of all three," Ganondorf said, shrugging. "Now I only have three safety goggles, I get one, so you all have to fight over the last two."

They all went into the science room. "Today we make tantalum from vinegar and baking soda. Any questions on this?"

"Are you clinically insane?" Bowser asked.

"Well I go to a psychiatrist every Saturday at 2:00, his name is Gunter, so I'd have to say yes," Ganondorf informed them. "Although he says I'm making progress, since I didn't kill the mailman in these last two weeks."

"So that's why the mailman kept changing!" Peach pointed out.

"Exactly! Now, time to distribute the goggles. I want you all to line up at the back and I'll put the two at the front. Whoever get there first gets them!" When this happened, he tripped Mario. In the end, Giga Bowser and Pikachu got them.

"Time to demonstrate how to make tantalum. Watch. I grab some baking soda in a can and spit in it. Mix it around, add some vinegar, and put it in a microwave for 4 minutes," Ganondorf explained as he did so. "My Gerudo spit caused it to react this way, but I'm sure most of you should have the same effect. Yes Marth?"

"When can I stop balancing this acid on my head?" he asked fearfully.

"WHEN YOUR MOTHER AGREES TO GO OUT ON A DATE WITH ME!"

"But she died in a tragic horse riding accident!" Marth yelled. "No one's sure how, she was approaching the horse, next thing we knew, she was drowning in a bucket of water… Never listened to us when we told her that you can't get stuck in water…"

There was an awkward silence.

"Moving on… start your experiments."

They all spit in their baking soda, having different effects. The Bowser's caught fire, the Links hardened, G&W's came to life and started attacking students, Roy never got a chance as he was fending off G&W's, Mario's exploded so the other humans didn't try, Kirby accidentally inhaled his, DK's actually moistened, and those were the interesting ones. It is a bit obvious that no one's turned into tantalum.

"YOU ALL FAIL! Except you Jigglypuff, you got magnesium, close… but the rest of you, stay after class and clean up Mario!"

"First period has barely started," Link told him.

"Oh…" Ganondorf was silent for a moment before he got an evil smile. "Time for the explosion I promised!" He pushed a button on the desk, but nothing happened. "Dammit, Luigi! Go to the boiler room and pull the green lever!"

"But-"

"NOW!"

They all waited a few minutes before there was a loud boom. Ganondorf looked out the window and then at him map. "And the winner is Kirby! He gets a cupcake."

Luigi walked into the room, covered in soot and blood. Giving Ganon the finger, he walked back to his seat.

"Now that the amusing incident is over, time for NEXT PERIOD! MOVE! **NOW!**"

He chased them out of the classroom swinging his swords like a maniac until they were in the cooking room.

"Now I teach you how to make картофель!"

"What?" the whole class asked.

"NO QUESTIONS! Now, scoop out the middle of the картофель and mix it with сыр, this may take me a minute… and add a few spices… Voila! Now put it back in the картофель like so and you have a perfect meal!" Ganondorf explained.

"Why were you talking like that if you were standing explaining it to us?" Young Link asked. "Nevermind, I know… 'No questions…'."

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"No, but… Kirby is!"

"Wha-djsoifhfodsoiusfdovylivcsaclp9qwh!" Lots of pain was brought to Kirby.

Ganondorf looked at all of them. "Now, you'll see I have exactly 164 ingredients on the shelf to your left. You only need 2 ingredients and spices. If you get anything wrong, I KILL YOU! Simple as that."

"I've known you for what, 9 days now, and I still find your methods extreme," Roy told him.

"I take PRIDE in my ability to scare the LIVING CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE! Now make MY DINNER!"

"What?"

"QUIET GIGA!"

They all lined up, preparing to grab two ingredients. Ganondorf stood behind him, looking at Bowser who was first in line as he ran a sword sharpener along his sword. Bowser slowly reached out and grabbed a raspberry, and managed to hide in his shell before Ganondorf stabbed him.

"Fuck, STUPID SHELL! NEXT!"

Marth was scared, having no shell. So when he grabbed a banana and Ganondorf swung at him, he joined Bowser inside the shell.

"Get out. NOW," Bowser ordered.

"Can I go out the backdoor? Ganondorf's out front!" Marth pleaded.

"Fine. But watch out for my tomato plants!" There was the noise of someone going down a set of stairs, walking around, and opening a door. Marth crawled out the tail hole.

"Moving on from this strange situation, CONTINUE!"

-After no one was right-

"IDIOTS! Картофель is POTATO and сыр is CHEESE! I SHOULD EVISERATE YOU WHERE YOU STAND! But the law suit would be hell, so I'll go with one. Mario, get over here!"

"He died," Link said.

"Really? I forgot already, I guess it's too common," Ganondorf muttered. "In that case… um, NESS!"

"He died during Ganonball, Zelda forgot about him," Link also said. "In fact, I think his body is still in the gym!"

-The gym-

Crazy Hand took out a stick to poke the fly attracting carcass that was Ness. But for Crazy to hold it, it had to be a BIG stick, and it ended up squishing him. Crazy knocked out a squirrel, gave it the stick and put it beside Ness before running like his life depended on it.

-Ganondorf-

"Now we continue. WHAT'S NEXT ON THE SCHEDULE?"

"Um, lunch?" Jigglypuff suggested.

"HAHAHAHA! HAHAHAHAAAHAHAAAAAAAAAAA! No."


	8. GANONBALL ROUND 2!

_**Wednesday September 16**__**th**__**: Week 2, Day 8**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

As usual, Mario cried.

"DAMMIT, are you going to do that EVERY TIME?"

"Ganondorf, my desk broke," Giga Bowser said.

"THEN SHARE WITH MARIO!"

Mario's head shot up. "What?" He was promptly crushed by Giga Bowser.

Ganondorf chuckled. "Anyone have guess what today's class is?" he asked. As people opened their mouths to say something, he screamed. "TOOK TOO LONG! GANONBALL, _ROUND __**2!**_"

_9:41 am_

"So, everyone remembers rules?" he asked.

"Faintly," Marth said.

"Nope," Young Link said.

"TOO BAD! WE START NOW!" He threw a lightning ball which hit DK. "DK! You're OUT! You too Mario."

"I'm not even going to resist anymore," Mario said but got hit repeatedly.

"NO TALKING BACK!"

"I didn't!" Mario defended. "I was gonna go peacefully!"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"Sure, just kill me already so we can get it over with," Mario mumbled.

Ganondorf thought for a moment. "No, I won't kill you… I'll make you SUFFER."

Meta Knight was on his way to a new school where they were supposed to teach Smash Bros characters. He was just about to enter when he heard a scream, a choking noise, a loud gurgle and then repeated thumps. Turning around mid step, he walked away.

Ganondorf turned away from Mario and looked at the others. "Come on you pussies, fight back!" He ran over to the other side and began beating the shit out of Link. Ganondorf turned to beat the shit out of Bowser but slipped on Ness's smear mark.

"DOG PILE!" Young Link shouted before they all jumped on Ganondorf. "WE CAN ALL TAKE HIM!"

-Twenty minutes later-

Everyone nursed their wounds as Ganondorf dusted himself off. "So I guess you learned lesson?" he asked.

"Yes," they all said at once.

"HA HA! GOT IT ON TAPE!" He held up a tape recorder. "Now I can't be fired for never teaching anything!"

Everyone screamed.

"Oh don't act so surprised. Now get up, WE CONTINUE!"

"There has to be a law against this!" Link screamed.

"WHERE DID YOU HEAR ABOUT STUFF LIKE THAT? LINK, GO TO OFFICE!"

"Why this time?" Link moaned.

Ganondorf was silent. "NO QUESTIONS!" He threw one of his swords at Link. Link ducked and it skewered Mario. "Took long enough."

"You're an asshole," Marth muttered.

"Thank you!" Ganondorf said. "Most people call me a dick face or father fucker!"

-In an undisclosed location-

In the office, Crazy and Master were kind of talking.

"DoyouthinkitwasagoodideatoputGanondorfinchargeofaclass?" Crazy asked.

"Dude, I don't think anything I do is a good idea!" Master said. "When Samus asked to go on a nine month maternity leave with pay I said yes!"

"Samusneverhadakid…"

"Exactly!"

Suddenly Link walked in. "Ganon sent me here again," he said. "For asking a question I have a detention after school everyday except today. I wonder why…"

-Ganondorf-

"Yeah, I know," Ganon said on his cell phone. "Yup, I want to try that tonight too! No, I was thinking of the second position. YES, that was really good! Oh ho ho! You're a very dirty person! See you tonight!" He hung up and saw everyone staring at him. "What, can't a guy play football?"

They all accepted that and went back to what they were doing before. Ganondorf chuckled.

"Suckers, they believe anything. It was _hockey!_"

"Hockey sucks!" Roy yelled.

"YOU SUCK!" Ganondorf slashed half of Roy's hair off.

-Hands and Link-

"Wantsomecoffee?" Crazy asked.

"Maybe I should have all yours," Link suggested.

"NoIhatecoffee. It'sdisgusting." They stared at him for twenty minutes. "Someonesaysomethingit'sgettingtooquietandIcan'talwaysbethesoleinitiatorofallconversations."

"Crazy, you'll always be my dumb little brother to me," Master said.

"I get the feeling that what he says isn't always as stupid as we think," Link suggested. Master began laughing his ass off, falling to the ground in his laughter.

"Not as, HAHAHAHA, stupid as you AHAHAHAAA think HAHAHAHAA! AMAZING JOKE!"

"I'mnotsurewhetherIshouldfeelhappyordisappointed," Crazy muttered. "Crapmedicationiswearingoff! Woohoo! WhowantsbrowniesIwantbrowniesokaylet'sgokidnapsomegirlscoutsandeatthem!"

-Ganonball!-

"EAT IT BITCH!" Ganondorf nailed Peach in the gut with a ball of lightning. "Owned!" He pumped his fist in the air and kicked Young Link in the side of the head. "Yeah, you don't like that do you asshole?"

"Is there an answer that doesn't get me sent to older Link?" Young Link asked.

"NO QUESTIONS! GO TO OFFICE OR I SCOOP OUT YOUR KIDNEYS AND FEED THEM TO PET DINOFOL!" Ganondorf screamed with spit flying from his mouth.

He picked up Young Link and threw him through a door before turning back to the rest of them. "Since today's running week…" They didn't like what was coming up. "RUN LIKE FREDDY AND JASON HAVE TEAMED UP AND ARE KICKING YOUR _ASS!_"

"If they're already kicking our ass then running won't help," Marth pointed out.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf screamed.

"No, sorrysorrysorrysorrysorry!" Marth curled into the fetal position.

"I… HATE SUCK UPS!" Ganondorf kicked him square in the ass, sending Marth flying into the wall. "I hope Ike's a better student then you!"

"Who?"

"Nothing," Ganon said quickly, glancing around nervously. "Enough talk, RUN!" He took out two axe blades which scared them shitless and they began running. "Faster! FASTER!"

"But you're standing on top of me," Jigglypuff muttered. Ganondorf picked it up by the hair.

"I'm sorry, I'm not exactly sure I heard what you were saying," Ganondorf growled threateningly.

"Nothing, I'll run!"

"TOO LATE! INTO THE CAGE!"

"How long have we had a cage?" the puffball asked.

"I got it in the mail on Thursday as part of a set of three," Ganondorf said. "You'll have to wait to see the other two!"

"No one wants to see the other two," Giga Bowser, who was running by, said.

Ganondorf flipped him off.

"OH, that hurt so bad!" Giga Bowser moaned in over exaggerated and gripped where his heart would be.

"Wanna come over here and say that?" Ganondorf growled.

"Bring it on bitch!"

-Toward the end of the day-

"I'm so proud of all you… NOT!" Ganondorf screamed, whapping Luigi in the back of the head with a metre stick. "You all pathetic. I bring in athlete soon to whip you all into shape eventually."

"That's twice you've used the term whip when referring to this athlete," Kirby stated.

"It may be a figure of speech, may be literal," Ganondorf said. "Everyone inside or I EVISERATE YOUR SOUL!"


	9. Ness Hunt

**_Thursday September 17th: Week 2, Day 9 _**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf spat at them, because I found a way to put screamed and spit flying into one word!

Mario cried.

Ganondorf didn't feel like commenting so he sicked a chain chomp on the red hatted man.

"Now if Mario's done being eaten, then LET'S MOVE ON!"

"I'm not dead!" Mario yelled, before realizing his terrible, horrifying mistake. Ganondorf unsheathed his light sword.

"PREPARE TO _DIE!_" Ganondorf charged at Mario like a stampede of angry Ganondorfs, which made Mario soil himself. Mario was pinned to the wall through the stomach, and the dark lord labeled him as a wall design. "Mario severely injured now, so we move on to MUSIC CLASS!"

"Please, if you're really up there," Link prayed, "let something interrupt this, PLEASE SUPERMAN!"

Ness walked into the room. "I live!"

Ganondorf clapped sarcastically. "Get in your seat!" He picked up Ness and threw him in an empty seat which broke. "Giga, sit on him and you get an A!"

"Thank you Spiderman!" Link muttered.

"I thought it was Superman?" Marth pointed out.

"Fuck him, he doesn't have any awesome genetic mutations!" Link exclaimed.

Ness managed to avoid the incoming ass.

"Okay, that's it!" Ganondorf cracked his knuckles. "First one to kill Ness gets a free pizza party!"

They all turned to look at Ness who began running. Link shot an arrow which hit him in the thigh. Ganon smacked him in the back of the head. "YOU CALL THAT A SHOT? HERE!" He gave Link at minigun.

"Holy crap!" Link aimed at Ness and fired. However he didn't suspect the blowback and shot in random directions, hitting Mario square in the forehead.

"Oh my god! He killed Mario!" Luigi screamed.

"You bastard!" Ganondorf added.

"I thought you hated him," Popo said.

"Of course! But I WANTED TO KILL HIM! DK, bring him to Zelda to heal him so I can do it myself!"

"(ape noises)!" (translation: But I have a clear shot on Ness' head!)

"I don't care, DO IT!"

DK threw down his MSSR sniper rifle and picked up Mario's corpse, walking out the door.

"All of you grab generic weapons hidden in closet and HUNT NESS!" They opened the closet.

"It is empty," Game & Watch said robotically. Ganondorf kicked him in and locked the closet shut.

"Now that the 2D idiot is gone, START!"

Ness was hiding in the bathroom. He was relaxing when his stall opened and there stood Bowser, Link and Pichu. "We decided to work together and share the pizza," Bowser explained.

Ganondorf popped out of another stall. "NO SHARING!" he screamed before grabbing a newspaper and closing the door.

"Okay, we can decide over rock paper scissors!" Pichu suggested.

"No, you can't do scissors," Bowser said. "Not enough fingers."

"Well Link can just stab us!" Pichu fought back.

"I CAN HELP DECIDE!" Ganon screamed as he peeked his head over the stall, drawing his sword.

"Guys! Let's decide after," Link told them. They turned to see Ness gone… two feet away.

"Drat, I almost escaped!" Ness said before Link cut his head off.

They heard a toilet flush and Ganondorf walked out of his stall to the soap dispenser. "So who gets the PRIZE?"

"Well I killed him," Link said.

"Well I hate Link so between you two," Ganondorf stated.

"HEY! That's not fair asshole!"

"No. Swearing. In. FUCKING SCHOOL!" Ganondorf roared at the three before picking up Link and jamming him in the paper towel dispenser.

"Did you burst a blood vessel?" Pichu asked.

"BOWSER, YOU WIN!"

"Sweet!"

"Well I don't like pizza anyway."

"PICHU GETS IT!"

"HUH?"

'Ganondorf is so easy to manipulate…' Pichu thought.

"I HEARD THAT! BOWSER WINS!"

"What the fuck?" Pichu screamed.

Ganondorf's eyelid twitched. "No… FUCKING… **SWEARING!**"

-In the classroom from hell-

"SESSION CONTINUES!" Ganondorf screamed.

"So what class is now?" Luigi asked.

"DON'T TAKE THAT ATTITUDE WITH ME!" Ganondorf yelled. Luigi was confused, scared, and more scared. "Now we have MATH CLASS!"

"You like that don't you?" Young Link asked.

"ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU, LUIGI, AND I KILL YOUR WHOLE GENEPOOL!" Ganondorf screamed. "Now… solve THIS!"

He wrote a math equation on the board that took up the full thing. "Find answer in 3 seconds, staring 2 SECONDS AGO! TIME'S UP! Jigglypuff, ANSWER!"

"2?"

"WRONG!" He shot the puffball with a bazooka. "Luigi, ANSWER!"

"76.2?"

"I TOLD YOU NOT TO TALK!" He shot Luigi too. "Giga Bowser, ANSWER!"

"Triangle!"

Ganondorf opened his mouth to say something, and then closed it. "How the hell did you GET IT RIGHT?" he demanded.

"It was easy, the 0 cancels the CD and the 6 is brought down to 48 by the water bottle, which is the equivalent of a triangle," Giga explained. Ganondorf shot him anyway.

"Whoever else decides to solve it correctly with retard logic, SPEAK NOW!"

Bowser slowly raised his hand and pointed at Link. "He does!" Ganondorf shot Link too. "Oh shit, I thought that was Luigi, all I saw was a bit of green!"

"Great job a–hole!" Link screamed while Roy removed him from the wall. "Now I'm one step away from becoming a pancake: roast!" A burst of fire, courtesy of Giga Bowser, hit him head on. "Thank you," he said dully.

"I'll get the syrup," Kirby exclaimed. Link was about to laugh dully until Kirby spat some on him and pulled out a fork and knife.

"SIT DOWN! **NOW!**" Ganondorf screamed. They complied quickly, except Link who was still stuck. "Liiiiiiiiink? Why do you think you're more special then ME?"

"I can time travel?" Link answered questioningly.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?"

"Bowser told me to!"

Bowser got shot by a bazooka. "Ass!"

"We're even," Link argued. Then Ganondorf picked them both up.

"GO TO OFFICE, make sure not to HORRIBLY DIE on the way!" he screamed. Ganondorf threw them out the door and turned to the rest of the students. "10000 PUSH-UPS! _NOW!_"

"Is this gym or math?" Marth asked.

"JUST FOR THAT YOU GET F!"

"They don't use Fs anymore!"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf drew his sword. "I CHALLENGE YOU TO SWORD FIGHT!"


	10. Mario's Untimely Demise

_**Friday September 18th: Week 2, Day 10**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

He waited, but didn't hear Mario cry.

"Where the hell is MARIO?" he yelled to them all. "Tell me or get hot poker shoved up ASSHOLE!"

"He's-a absent," Luigi said. "Very sick, Dad called in earlier."

Ganondorf opened his desk drawer and took out a key. He tore off the chalkboard and revealed a safe which he opened to get another key. Ganon walked out the door, and they heard a car door opening and a car driving away. They waited about ten minutes until he walked back in with a gun. Ganondorf shot a lock which broke. "I forgot the combo," he explained. "MOCK ME AND _DIE!_" Ganondorf opened the lock and took out his axe-blade.

"Time to make him wish he really WAS sick…"

"He is, he threw up on the dog… food," Luigi said.

"Do I look like I CARE? Crazy, cover for me!" Ganondorf screamed before grabbing an ammo belt and walking out the door. "WHERE THE HELL IS MY CAR?"

"SorryaboutthatIwantedtogotoTacoBell," Crazy said.

"You can't drive with one hand!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Ifoundthatoutonmyownthankyouverymuch!" Crazy snapped. Ganondorf growled.

"Just for that, I take out all anger on MARIO!"

"Why does he hate Mario so much?" Link whispered to Giga Bowser.

"I have a feeling he'll explain it to us sometime," Giga Bowser replied.

Ganondorf took assorted weapons from his desk drawers. "DAMMIT, I HAVE TO GET **MORE!**"

-Mario's home-

Mario had a shiver go up his spine. "I sense impending doom," he said to no one.

-Class-

"Okaylet'sgotoaclassanysuggestions?" Crazy asked them.

"Let's go to music!" Luigi suggested. Crazy backhanded him into the wall.

"That'sastupididea," Crazy claimed. "Ihaveamuchmorereasonableone:we'llscalemounteverest!"

-Highway-

Ganondorf was running down the highway, slicing any cars in his way in half. He also attacked those who weren't in his way, but that's a different story. He hijacked a police car and began driving to where Mario lived before stopping.

"WHERE THE FUCK DOES MARIO LIVE?" Ganondorf turned around, ignoring the people shooting at him, and went back to the school, looked at the records, then went the other way to where Mario lived. "HERE I COME MUSHROOM KINGDOM!" He ran into the airport, stole a plane and flew to the kingdom.

Ganondorf loaded his guns, armed his sword, walked up to his door… and knocked politely.

A short person who looked like Mario except had blue clothing and a D on his hat answered. "I don't like salesmen," he said before slamming the door.

"This is unplaned," Ganondorf muttered. He put on a black cap with a G on it and knocked again. "Hello, I'm a distant relative... um, Ganon...orrialio?"

"Hmmm, sounds Italian," D said. "And I can't deny your accent. It sounds Russian to most, but I think I can hear some Italian..."

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME- I mean of course!" Ganondorf quickly said.

D blinked but ignored the previous outburst. "So what is it you need?"

"Which room is Mario's, we need to talk about something," Ganondorf said.

"Fifteenth room on the left, 7th floor," D said. "The one that says MM, standing for Mario Mario."

"MARIO? What the fuck kind of last name is THAT?"

"It's your last name too though, remember?" D asked.

"Oh, yes, um... MARIO SHALL _DIE!_" He charged into the elevator, screaming a war cry which made multiple armies soil themselves, pressed the 15 and waited patiently.

"Holy shit he tracked me down!" Mario jumped out the window and ran down the street. Ganondorf got his plane and started chasing a terrified Mario. Mario screamed as he ran down the street with an airplane driving after him. At least, that was how it was until Ganondorf hit the button that withdrew the wheels.

-In class-

"He's been gone for 3 hours, should we go home?" Link asked.

"Hell no, I'll bet that he walks in the second someone is about to leave the class," Roy answered.

"To hell with this, I'm going home," Pichu said and walked toward the door. When he was about to open it, it slammed open, smashing Pichu into the wall.

"NO LEAVING CLASS!" Ganondorf screamed.

"What do you know, Roy was right about something," Link exclaimed in mock disbelief.

"Fuck you Link, at least I can talk!"

"It's on now bitch!"

"NO FIGHTING!" Ganondorf screamed, picking them up by the head and smashing them against each other repeatedly. "Unless I'm winning!"

"You're a dirty little hypocrite," Link hacked out.

"I… am not… A HIPPO!"

After Link was beat to a bleeding pulp, Giga Bowser asked, "So what happened with Mario?"

Ganondorf got a maniac smile on his face and the lighting got several shades darker. "Damn power surges," Master Hand muttered from his office.

"Well, after I chased him down with an airplane until it ran out of gas, I noticed a squad of the SWAT team at a Dairy Queen with a tank idling in the parking lot," Ganondorf began.

-40 minutes earlier-

Ganondorf was chasing down Mario in a tank, blasting missiles everywhere. However, he couldn't aim and ended up blowing up multiple buildings in the city.

In the Sony worldwide headquarter, all of the highest ranking people were having a meeting. "I'm thinking of a game where you buy weapons and have to take over the world with them!" one said.

"You work in the DVD department, so shut up," another said.

Suddenly a tank with Ganondorf driving smashed through the wall, hitting the DVD guy with a missile. "Worship me… as… a hero…" He died.

"All in favour of writing douchebag on his grave?" Ganondorf asked.

"Go ahead."

Ganondorf turned around and turned on the GSP, searching for Mario. It showed he was three blocks away, and the easiest way to reach him was to go through the endangered animal preserve.

-40 minutes later from that-

"Long story short, Mario is DEAD," Ganondorf finished.

"Zelda will just heal him by the end of the day," said Ness.

Ganondorf chuckled. "Oh don't worry, she'll be busy _all _weekend…"

"DAMN YOU GANONDORF!" was heard all over the continent.

"See? Now… **SCREAMING TIME!**" He took out a whip and tied his sword to the end. "WRITE LINES! NOW!" He began whipping them.

"You haven't told us what to write though!" Peach pointed out.

"WRITE COMPLEMENTS ABOUT ME! 700 TIMES!" Ganondorf whipped Jigglypuff in the side of the head, causing unbelievable pain. He walked over and looked at Link's paper. "Is very likeable?! I GUESS I'M NOT DOING GOOD ENOUGH!" He took out a chainsaw and cut down a few doors. Master poked a finger in.

"Ganon, I'd appreciate it if you didn't destroy my facility," he said.

"WHO SAYS I CARE ABOUT WHAT YOU APPRECIATE?" Ganondorf threw the chainsaw at Master, nearly cutting his finger off. "KEEP WRITING OR I SHOVE CHAIR UP YOUR DICKS! And shoot Peach."

"Well, um, thanks for at least taking me into account," she said.

"I can actually be quite the gentleman whenever MARIO isn't involved," Ganondorf explained.

"Well how would you like to get dinner sometime?"

"Sure."

"This pairing is screwed up," Bowser whispered to Link.

"Bet it won't last until Monday," Link replied. "What wouldn't make sense is if he dated Zelda."

Bowser snorted. "Like that'll happen."

Ganondorf smelt urine in the air.

"WHOEVER PISSED THEMSELVES WILL _DIE _HORRIBLY AND PAINFULLY!" He traced the smell down the hall to Dr. Mario. He was staring at his counterpart's corpse. "Now there are TWO less MARIOS!"


	11. Turtlenecks and Tasers

**_Monday September 21st: Week 3, Day 11 _**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, even though they couldn't see him.

Mario cried.

"Where's Ganondorf?" Bowser asked.

"SHUT UP BOWSER!" the disembodied Ganondorf yelled. "Now I teach lesson, even though you can't see me." They were silent. "That's right, cry Mario, CRY!"

"Wait a minute!" Giga stood up and walked over to Ganondorf's desk, seeing a tape recorder on the desk.

"If I guessed right and Giga Bowser just found the recording, flip the tape to side two. NOW!"

"That's a relief, he isn't here yet!" Link said. "Now I can act natural!" He took out a slice of pizza and some ketchup.

"You better not be planning on mixing those," Marth told him.

"Hell no! I need the ketchup to wash it down, that's all!"

Mario was sitting with Bowser, Peach and Roy. "I had a creepy night," the red man said. "There was this guy with a purple turtleneck and really tight pants staring at my house all night."

"That's… interesting…" Bowser muttered.

"What happened?" Peach asked.

"Well in the morning he had a potato… and just kept staring. I had to walk by him, and he just stuck his head out when I did and got really angry, and puffed out his bottom lip," Mario explained. "When I walked away he started flailing his arms and spinning in a circle."

"You seem to meet the most interesting people," Peach said. "I'm glad I'm not you."

"Yeah, you'd also be fat if you were!" Bowser added in. "Burn!"

"Screw you, at least I don't… well…" Mario thought for a moment.

"Can't insult me, can ya bitch?"

"IF YOU HAVEN'T FLIPPED THIS OVER, I'M COMING TO KILL MARIO!" Ganondorf's recording yelled.

"I wonder where he is," Marth said.

-On the freeway-

There were many cars stuck in a traffic jam. Ganondorf was not one of them. He was using the opportunity to break into people's houses and steal valuables. He got a tingling sensation.

"They didn't flip tape… MARIO SHALL DIE!"

-In class-

Ganondorf burst into the class, still holding stuff stolen from the last house. "WHY DIDN'T YOU FLIP TAPE?" he screamed.

"You have no proof of that!" Marth defended.

"Mirada!" he screamed in Spanish, pointing at the recorder.

"This tape has not been flipped. I WILL NOW ASSAULT MARIO!"

Ganondorf punched Mario in the face. "Why the hell are you holding my prized possessions?" Link asked Ganondorf, who quickly shoved said possessions in his armour.

"I see no prized possession!" Ganondorf replied innocently. "FALSE ACCUSATIONS! GO TO OFFICE!"

"But-"

"NOW!" Link sighed and trudged out the door which Crazy was waiting outside.

"Sentoutagain?"

"Yup," Link only replied. He still had no idea what Crazy said, but could guess.

"Gottacupcake?"

"Sure, why not."

Back inside the class, Ganondorf was getting them seated in different spots, punching Mario whenever they were wrong. Thus Bowser sat in many random spots…

"You people are hopeless!" Ganondorf said. "However, I have the second part of the set! Um… Luigi! GET IN THE CAGE!"

Luigi walked into the cage nervously and Ganon closed it, bolting it shut. He then took a taser out and zapped the metal cage, completely frying the man inside. Smiling, Ganondorf opened the cage and let Luigi out. "NEXT!" He threw the taser, activated, and it went right down Mario's throat.

-20 minutes later-

"A memorial for Mario will be held on Thursday. Don't go, I'm going to bomb it. On second thought, GO!" Ganondorf yelled. "NOW SOLVE EQUATION WHILE DOING SIT-UPS AND SINGING OUR NATIONAL ANTHEM!"

"What country are we in?" Pikachu asked.

"Fart a mushroom cloud and I tell you! NOW DO IT!"

Suddenly a giant dirty mushroom cloud filled the room. Everyone fell down gagging, except those who put gas masks on in time, who were Ganondorf, Giga Bowser and surprisingly Jigglypuff.

"How was that?" Pikachu asked through the haze.

"Good enough. Now the country we're in is-"

He got distracted by Ness's suffering. "GIVE ME VIDEO CAMERA!"

"What?"

He stabbed through Pikachu's tail and pinned him to the wall. "It's too late, now I have to use a mental photograph!" He closed his eyes and laughed. "But still, YOU MUST BE PUNISHED!"

"Why is that?" Pikachu asked fearfully.

"I've always wanted video of Ness suffering."

"I thought you hated Mario more," Link asked.

"LUIGI SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I TEAR OUT YOUR PANCREAS!" Ganondorf screamed, zapping Luigi with the taser. "Rest of you, sit down while I make EXAMPLE OUT OF PIKACHU!"

However, the mouse ran out the door.

"OOOOOOH… SKIPPING CLASS…" Ganondorf took out a flamethrower. "I'll be having PIKACHU FOR DINNER! LUIGI, STOP TALKING BEHIND MY BACK!"

Luigi hadn't said anything, but was kicked in the face nonetheless.

"Sometimes I wonder how long before you're arrested," Luigi muttered.

"At this rate, not too long," Ganondorf said. "But I happen to have a friend who's a cop and can get me out of tight situations."

"Who is it?" Marth asked.

"NO QUESTIONS! I HOPE IKE ASK LESS QUESTIONS THEN YOU!"

"Who the hell is Ike?" Marth demanded.

"No… **QUESTIONS!**" Ganondorf zapped Marth in the face with his taser.

"I'm scared," Pichu whispered to Mario.

"Do you have _that _watching you?" Mario asked as he pointed out the window to the man in the purple turtleneck who was watching him from the teeter-totter, eyes bugging out.

Ganondorf turned to the rest of them. "WHO'S NEXT?" Everyone pointed to Ness, who whimpered as Ganondorf stalked over to the boy. "As long as you hang pancreas from roof I don't kill you."

"What's a pancreas?"

"I KILL YOU!" He threw him in a bucket of water then put a lid on. "YOU DROWN IN THERE!" he screamed, spinning the taser on his index finger. He looked at Kirby, smirking. "Ah, Kirby, my old friend-"

"You're going to kill me aren't you?" Kirby asked him.

"I was going to give a dramatic speech about how it was for the good of the WORLD, but in short, YES!" He turned on the taser and put it in his crossbow. "ANY LAST WORD?"

"Weren't you hunting Pikachu?" Kirby asked him.

"THAT FOUR WORDS!"

"Technically it's a contraction, which is two w-"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" He shot the taser at Luigi who ducked, with the device skimming his hat.

"WHAT THE HELL DID I DO?"

"LINK, STAY AFTER CLASS!"

Link screamed and started hitting his head off the desk.


	12. Ganondorf vs Marth

I fixed a mistake in Mario's Untimely Death where Ganondorf is hunting and chasing him but I accidently made him in the classroom that was pointed out to me. Luigi was now hit into the wall. But let's not talk about that now, for I have this one done!

* * *

**_Tuesday September 22nd: Week 3, Day 12 _**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed before spitting in someone's eye.

Mario cried.

"Today I have no plan, so DO SOMETHING TO PISS ME OFF!"

"WOOHOO! Free pissing of Ganondorf!" Marth threw a cupcake which hit Ganondorf in the face. Time seemed to freeze as the room went 36 degrees below absolute 0. The aura of malice in the roof nearly killed Mario already. Mario fainted and happened to hit the button on a radio which started playing music that usually signals the apocalypse. Ganondorf slowly reached up and brushed the cupcake off, his eyes red and bloodshot; ready to tear apart anyone who dared to move a molecule.

"Maaaaaaaarth?" he asked slowly. "When did I say it was **_FREE?!_**"

"Um, I kind of assumed-"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf took out his light blade. "TIME FOR SWORD FIGHT!"

Marth blinked. "Didn't you challenge me on Thursday or something like that?"

"NO QUESTIONS! STEP OUTSIDE OR I STICK HAND UP YOUR ASS AND PULL OUT YOUR HEART!"

-Outside-

Ganondorf had his weapon hidden behind him, and Marth had his sword. "You do know I'm a great sword fighter, right?"

"And I never abide the rules so SHUT UP AND FIGHT ME!" He took out a machine gun that shoots swords. "I certain twisted way, I follow rules perfectly!"

Marth screamed and ran behind a tree as Ganondorf began launching a seemingly endless supply of swords at him. Marth took out his cell phone.

"Hello? Hubert? I think I'm having another attack!" he screamed into it. There was silence.

"DIAL THE NUMBER FIRST!" Roy screamed from the sidelines.

"Oh ya…" Marth put in a number. "Hubert! Help me!"

"Who the fuck is this?" Ganondorf's voice came from both the cell phone and the other side of the tree. Marth hung up and dialed the correct number.

"HUBERT!"

"What is it?! I'm having my anniversary dinner!" Hubert demanded.

"It's Marth!" Hubert groaned from the other side, and then sighed.

"Yes Marth?" If Marth could see Hubert, he would see his eye was twitching.

"I'm having another attack! This one's from section F under 69430812: gun wielding maniac!" Marth explained. "What do I do?"

"Have you thought of letting him hit you and then catching him while he's off guard?" Hubert asked, hoping to get rid of Marth for good.

"No, and I don't think I want to…"

Hubert growled. "It's that or dress up as a woman and flirt your way out!" he snapped.

"I'll go with the catch him off guard. Thanks Hubert, I'll call again when I need help!"

"Go ahead." Hubert planned on changing his number that very night.

Marth pocketed his phone and heard a crack as the tree fell over due to the hundreds of sword imbedded in it. "Now you DIE due to intense DISMEMBERMENT!" Ganondorf still had a completely full barrel, strange since he hadn't stopped firing.

Marth charged at Ganondorf, the second firing a half a dozen blades into Marth's torso. "Hubert… failed to mention… the pain that… limits movement…" Marth staggered behind his stump and sat down, pulling the swords out as Ganondorf let loose on the stump.

Hubert was happily conversing with his wife when his phone rang. "Hello?"

"Hubert, me again." Hubert made strangling motions with his hands. "Your plan didn't work, the pain was too overwhelming. Any other plans?"

"Call the army." Hubert abruptly hung up and unplugged his phone. His cell phone rung so he turned it off. His pager buzzed and he threw it in the garbage disposal and ground it up. A letter came in through the mail slot and he burned it then taped up the mail slot.

Marth sighed as the stump shattered and threw some of the swords at Ganondorf who snatched them out of mid-air and put them back in his gun.

Mario turned to Luigi. "Did you know that the purple turtleneck man turned up at our house again?" he asked.

"Really?" Luigi questioned.

"Yes, I found his in the shower, fully clothed with the water on and a potato sticking out of his mouth. He just stared at me, clutching the toothpaste and really scaring me. When I turned to leave he started spinning in circles flailing his arms but slipped and fell," Mario explained. Luigi stared.

"If he scares people so much maybe I should take notes," Bowser muttered.

"You couldn't learn from… a… teacher!" Link insulted. Bowser clapped sarcastically.

"I feel hurt inside," he mocked. Link kicked him in the nuts.

"Now you feel hurt outside too!"

"STOP FIGHTING, IT'S NOT NICE!" Ganondorf screamed as he shot at a running Marth.

"You're fighting!" Link shot back.

"Can you ACTUALLY call this a FIGHT?" Ganondorf asked as he nailed Marth in the leg.

"Well if you want to be specific-"

Link was cut off as Ganondorf turned to him, still shooting. Link soon began dodging, running around. One of the stray swords hit Mario.

"Another day, another MARIO death!" Ganondorf said happily.

Mario moaned, grasping his wounded shoulder. Ganondorf walked over and shot him in the forehead. "A fitting end to one such as him," Ganondorf said poetically.

"Are you stupid? That-" Marth stopped, realizing he'd have to deal with this habit of insulting people who can hurt him.

"That was a QUESTION… AND YOU MOCKED ME!" He set the swords on fire and began launching them at a crying Marth.

-Twenty minutes later-

Ganondorf dragged Marth into the classroom, a trail of blood behind him. The others followed, avoiding the sticky red stuff.

"Where's Mario's body?" Luigi asked.

"Some guy in really tight pants took him," Zelda explained.

"Was he wearing a purple turtleneck?" Luigi questioned.

"No, but his pants were really… really… tight," Zelda said, shivering.

"Then that was dad."

"LUIGI! STOP CONVERSING AND GET OVER HERE BEFORE I SHOVE GIGA BOWSER UP YOUR ASS!" Ganondorf yelled as Giga Bowser's head whipped around to look at him.

"Now, EVERYONE SHUT UP!" No was talking before that even. "Now despite the earlier distractions, I plan to have a full day of classes."

"We missed lunch!" Kirby cried.

"Shut up fat ass, nobody cares about lunch." There was an evil glint in Kirby's eyes.

"What… did you just say?"

"I called you a fat ass."

"The other thing."

"Nobody cares about lunch?"

"No, the third thing!"

"There was no third thing," Ganondorf said in monotone.

"Oh, okay, we're cool," Kirby said.

"Not quite, you INTERRUPTED MY _CLASS!_" Ganondorf shot the taser from his crossbow which zapped Kirby into unconsciousness. He reeled it in like a fishing line and it was prepared to shoot again. "Now who else interested in interrupting class?"

"Permission for sarcastic answer?" Marth asked in a dazed tone, still recovering from his earlier beating.

"Permission granted."

"I **want **to interrupt, but am afraid of the consequences." Ganondorf punched him in the face. "MOTHER F… I THOUGHT I HAD PERMISSION?"

"Yes!" Ganondorf replied happily. "But you never asked me to not act from it!" He threw his new weapon on the desk and looked at the rest of the class.

"Is anything you do to us legal?" Pichu asked.

"WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT THOSE LAWS?"


	13. Dictating Yourself

_**Wednesday September 23rd: Week 3, Day 13 **_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

Mario cried, screaming, "WHY?"

"Because I'm an ASSHOLE, YOU JACKASS!" Ganondorf replied. "Now as it is the third week of school, we will learn JUMPING!"

"Why, of all things, will we be learning to jump?" Kirby questioned.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf poked him with a needle and Kirby deflated. "Now I will write instructions on the board and if you cannot copy them word for word, font for font, fart for fart-"

"Huh?"

"-then I will STICK YOUR HEAD IN A BLENDER AND FLUSH THE TOILET!" They stared at him blankly. "Wait, I got them mixed up… I'll just stab you in the face!"

"You seem to be lacking on the quality threats recently," Giga Bowser pointed out.

"SHUT UP OR I STICK CARNIVOROUS COBRAS UP YOUR DICK AND PULL IT OUT YOUR EYES WITH ACIDIC HOOK!"

Giga Bowser gulped. "I think you're getting better."

Ganondorf pulled out a bucket which had hisses coming from it. "I was serious. QUIET." He turned to the chalkboard. "NOTES! I will dictate… to myself." He began carving into it with one of the cobra's fangs.

"To jump, you must press X or Y. In-"

"What the hell? I thought you bend your-"

"SHUT UP MARIO!" he yelled and wrote in capitals. "Anyway, in order to successfully pull this off, I must shove foot up your ass enough to launch you into air. Like when I was at bar last night, and I was wasted as hell, telling the story about killing Mario, and they ran out of booze. It most likely because I started swinging all my swords randomly in the area, but I doubt it. Anyway, I got angry and… the fang dull, Luigi, pass me next one, thank you, now SIT DOWN! But I kick bartender in ass up into roof, then go up and sick 16 rabid clowns on their face, but now I droning on, so time to get back to original story. When I got my hamburger, I saw Mario and family sitting in corner eating. With my evil opportunity senses tingling, and I ordered lasagna, lobster and orange juice, then proceeded with-"

"Ganondorf, where is this going?"

"NO WHERE! I AM WASTING YOUR TIME!" Ganondorf screamed at Bowser and wrote. He threw the cobra back in the bucket.

_"What happened?" _one asked it.

_"It was a rather pleasant feeling, actually," _the cobra responded.

"Okay, I now come check all work you write." Ganondorf began walking around. "MARIO! I DIDN'T PUT A 'THE' THERE!" He took out his taser-bow and shot Mario in the back of the head, causing him to fall over.

"You… haven't even looked at it…"

"I don't need to, everyone OUTSIDE!"

-Outside-

There are some things best lest unexplained… some things are too horrifying or disturbing. This is NOT one of those moments!

"Okay, time to start jumping. If you notice, we no need to bend legs! Watch me." He jumped 15 feet into the air and landed smoothly. "Now try to imitate."

Link jumped and Ganondorf smacked him. Pikachu couldn't jump high enough. Mario jumped with a BOING sound effect. "Mario, stop that." BOING. "Seriously, stop." BOING. "I'm WARNING you!" BOING. Ganondorf took out his sword. BOI- Ganondorf cut off Mario's legs from the knee down. "I FUCKING WARNED YOU!"

"AAAGGGHHHH! Why, WHY, would you _do this?!_" Mario cried out.

"Don't worry, I _could _end your pain right here, but I will let you live long and fulfilling HA HA HA HA HA! Sorry, couldn't get through that with straight face. Bowser, throw him in dumpster somewhere."

Bowser looked like a psychopath in a nuclear weaponry store.

"Okay, everyone else try to jump. And by try, I mean SUCCEED!" They all started jumping. Kirby did multiple jumps but Ganondorf deflated him again. "ONE JUMP!"

BOING.

Ganondorf slowly turned his head around, looking at Mario. "I… will… ANNIHILATE YOU WITH YOUR OWN SPINE!" He tore out Mario's spine and began strangling him.

Luigi walked over to Roy. "When do you think we should tell him I was jumping?" Luigi asked.

"I wouldn't at all if I were you," Roy responded, watching Mario be killed with his own non-removable body parts being removed and used to beat him. "I didn't know that you can use a pancreas for that…"

"That's his bladder."

"No, I believe it's his pancreas."

"It's his ass cheek retards!" Ganondorf told them as he threw Mario in a generic garbage can.

"Note to self: never piss you off," Bowser said.

"That's right," Ganondorf said, patting him on the head. "You are one of the few in class that hasn't pissed me off recently." He turned to the rest of the class. "WHY DON'T I HEAR ANY JUMPING?"

They all continued jumping high up. BOING. Ganondorf took out his sword machine gun and pounded Mario's corpse to pieces with the swords. "I know that was Luigi, but STILL, I HATE MARIO!"

Zelda slowly walked up to Ganondorf from behind. "I sense a mindless brawl approaching," Ganondorf muttered. Suddenly a flail tried to smash into the side of his face, only to find he had teleported a few feet away. "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT ABOUT?"

"You destroyed Mario, this will take me hours!" Zelda snarled, lunging at him.

"I know that, but WHY DID YOU TOUCH MY FLAIL? I WILL KILL YOU ALL, ESPECIALLY YOSHI!"

"Why, this is the first time I've been introduced into this thing, Yoshi!" Yoshi screamed in indignity.

"You're GREEN and I HATE you," Ganondorf told him.

Roy and Luigi stood off to the sideline. "This battle is much more amusing then Marth was," Roy commented.

"HEY!" Marth yelled, only for a chair to hit him in the side of the face.

"ONLY _I _CAN TALK IN CAPITALS!" Ganondorf yelled before kicking him in the crotch. He turned back to Zelda before calmly asking, "So where were we?"

"I believe I had you in a headlock and you had just grabbed a chainsaw."

"Sounds about right, but wasn't I grabbing a brick to shove into your ear."

"Yeah, that's probably going to hurt."

"Most likely, but it'll be hell once you attack me with the chainsaw."

"What chainsaw?"

"The one over there on the tree stump!"

"Oh, I never saw that!"

"Damn."

"FIGHT ALREADY!" Marth yelled before Ganondorf and Zelda both looked at him, preparing to attack with their weapons. "I hate myself…"

"We _all _hate you Marth. NOW DIE!"


	14. Whipping 'em into Shape

_**Thursday September 24th: Week 3, Day 14**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

Mario cried, as usual.

"WILL YOU EVER STOP THAT?" Ganondorf looked at the rest of the class. "Meet me outside..." he said and jumped out of a third story window. "DAMN! THAT HURT!" They all went outside to see him in the field with a maniacal smile on his face. "I introduce you to the athlete who will whip you into shape. He's-"

"Why do you keep using 'whip'?5"

"FUCK OFF KIRBY! Anyway, here's Fox!"

Fox walked into their line of sight. "Hi, you may know me as Fox, that guy who kicked Pichu's ass during that awesome fight a few months back," Fox said and Pichu shook his fist at Fox. Ganondorf smacked Fox over the head.

"I already introduced you!" the lunatic madman snapped. "Now Fox will be your temporary teacher today, listen to whatever he says." Mario smiled widely at this. "I will be on top of the building with a sniper rifle, shooting anyone who SLACKS OFF!" He put some ammo in the now revealed rifle and walked off, but not before aiming at Mario and attempting to take his foot off with a shot.

"Okay, let's start with a little light running," Fox said. "Do a few slow laps around the track."

They began running not too fast, at least until a hole appeared in a tree near Mario and a loud swear was heard.

"Ganondorf, it's meant to be slow!" Fox yelled but had to duck from a shot aimed at him. "Is he always like that?"

"You should see when he's angered," Link said.

"Why the hell aren't you running?"

"I gave my laps to Pikachu," Link explained.

"ASSHOLE!" Pikachu yelled from the other side of the field.

-With Ganondorf-

"Hmm, it appears Fox is being too lenient with the students... I will need to find some way to remove him..."

"CanIhelp?" Crazy asked.

"That was a soliloquy, you weren't supposed to hear," Ganondorf growled. Crazy gave him the finger.

Ganondorf turned around and fired a shot into Mario's gut. "Bull's eye! I bet you can't hit him better!"

"Youare_so_on!" Crazy grabbed the sniper and shot Mario in the leg.

"I'll give it a 7, ME A 10!"

"Whythehelldoyougettobethejudge?"

"You never said I couldn't, I WIN!"

-Down there-

"Okay," Fox said, "I want everyone to do pushups... about-"

"600!" rang across the yard.

"I was gonna say 10-"

"BUT YOU'LL BE SHOT IF YOU DO!"

"Well that convinced me, everyone, 600 pushups."

"IN 20 SECONDS!" Ganondorf added.

"But-"

"I'M LOADING GUN!"

"Fine, 20 seconds."

"STARTING 19 SECONDS AGO!"

"I have a gun too!"

"WELL I AWESOME, YOU AREN'T!"

"Done," Giga Bowser said.

"The hell?" Marth said. "How'd you do that so quickly?"

"You mom helped me!" Giga Bowser told him.

"Ha ha, you're funny."

"I'm serious!" Giga Bowser pointed to Marth's mom, who waved. Meanwhile, Ganondorf and Fox were still in an arguement that seemed to be going no where.

"You suck!" Fox yelled.

"YOU SWALLOW!"

"You eat garbage!"

"YOU SMELL BAD!"

"You're the child of a toad and a fat guy!"

"THAT DON'T MAKE YOU NOT SMELL BAD!"

"'That don't'? What are you, speech impaired?" No reply. "Ganondorf?" He heard a noise to his left, and turned to see a blood red golf cart chasing after him, with Ganondorf inside. Fox screamed and ran into the trees with the cart following. There was a thump, silence, and then the cart came back out.

"Why would you paint it red, don't most carts start out white?" Young Link asked.

"I never painted it." They all stared, at least until Ganondorf started charging after them. "RUN LAPS UNTIL I TELL YOU TO STOP!" They all began running laps away from the golf cart and it's angry driver. Let's see what he did to each of them...

-Game and Watch-

Ganondorf looked down at the buttons and pressed the one that looked like a car going fast, AKA the nitro. The cart zoomed forward and slammed into G&W, flattening him on the front. Ganondorf pressed the button that had G&W being scrapped off something and a knife came out which threw him off.

-Marth-

Ganondorf picked Marth up by the cape, still driving. "YOU SLOW!" He tied a rope around him and threw Marth behind the cart, pulling the rope. "RUN OR DIE!" He pressed the nitro button again.

-Links-

The two were changing between ducking and running as Ganon swung his blade out while driving beside them. "This isn't even legal!" Young Link cried out.

"Neither is THIS!" Ganondorf grabbed his shotgun and shot a bird. "I shot duck out of season, but you don't see police coming, DO YOU?"

At the police station, a bunch of officers were gathered. "We choose between catching a serial killer or someone who shoots ducks out of season," one said.

"The duck guy, people like him make me sick!" a second said.

"I second that!"

-Ness-

There was a special button prepared for this. It featured Ness being chased by a robot. Ganondorf pressed it and the cart turned into a giant fighting robot which chased Ness around the track.

-Pokemon-

The three were all sticking together, at least until Jigglypuff was kicked out of the Pokemon groups for being pink. "Fine, I'll make my OWN crappy show and game series! It will be called Puff, the Legend of the Futu-" Jigglypuff was stepped on by the robot from the Ness chase.

"He got Jiggly!" Pichu screamed.

"I'm not stupid, unlike you, Mr. I-hurt-myself-with-my-own-electricity!" Pikachu said.

"Hey, I only changed my last name to that because it would attract more attention!" Pichu snapped. Ganondorf began to gain on them in his back to normal golf cart, with Ness' head on the antenna. "Let's escape over that fence!" The mice jumped over the fence into someone's yard, only to see what looked like Ganondorf just hunched over slightly and with a beard and whiter hair.

Ganondorf walked up beside him. "Meet my father, Gainindolf, he taught me everything I know! I convinced him to patrol the border of the school for me."

"I WILL EVISERATE YOUR SOUL!" Ganondorf yelled at Pichu.

"I WILL INCINERATE YOUR HEART!" Gainindolf yelled at Pikachu.

"Shit, there's two of them..." Pikachu muttered.

-Kirby-

"Oh Kiiiiiiirbyyyyyyy..." Ganondorf chanted. "HERE'S THE WHIP!" He took out a flaming whip and started to hit Kirby with it repeatedly.

"That looks painful," Bowser said.

"What the hell are you doing here?"

"Random filler," Bowser told Ganondorf.

The rest of them suffered, but it would take a while so I'm skipping to the aftermath of the horrific rampage. 2 casualties, 73 wounded, and 1.5 laughing his ass off. "That was most fun I have in long time!" Ganondorf laughed.

"How many people have told you that you're a horrible person?" Kirby asked.

"703 men, 912 women, and 16 transvestites," Ganondorf answered, counting with his fingers.

"Add one onto that," Kirby growled.

"Fine, 17 transvestites."


	15. Interviewing the Maniac

**_Friday September 25th: Week 3, Day 15_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed at the front of the class.

Mario cried.

Ganondorf ignored him, pacing at the front of the room looking at them. "Today, you lucky. Instead of killing you in brutal ways, I be merciful and we have business class."

"How will this be any better then the rest of your classes?" Marth asked Ganondorf.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf slammed his gut with the butt of his sword. He turned around but smacked a TV at the front with his sword. "FUCK! This is MARIO'S fault!"

"Oh come on!" Mario shouted out.

"I am going to show business video that was on last night at 7:30 on channel 0. It was interview with me, next interview is next week, same time. WHO WATCHED?"

No one answered. Until... "I think so," Pichu said. "Is it the thing where you-"

"NO SPOILERS!" Ganondorf screamed. "Now watch video, NOW!"

-Ganondorf's video-

The interviewer sat in a well lit blue room facing the camera. "Hello I am-"

Ganondorf burst onto the scene, punching her over and taking the spotlight. "NO ONE GIVES A DAMN!" he screamed. "I am Ganondorf, Great King of Evil, being interviewed by CRAPPY INTERVIEWER and her cameraman, Fred. Hi Fred!"

The cameraman blinked, having never been addressed before. "Um, I'm George."

"THAT'S ENOUGH, YOU FRED NOW! Now you watch first interview session, and don't you dare change channel or I hunt you down and KILL YOU!"

At home, someone thought this was boring and changed the channel. Suddenly Ganondorf burst through his window with a large sword.

Back at the station, Ganondorf walked back into the room with a bloody sword. "What the hell was that?" the interviewer asked.

"NO QUESTIONS! NOW ASK QUESTIONS!"

The interviewer groaned, already sensing a difficult day. "Let's start with a simple question. What is your opinion on love and marriage?"

"STUPID!" Ganondorf screamed, shaking his fist into the air.

The interviewer stared. "Our records show that you were temporarily married in early '91 to Samus, any comments on this?"

"Well, I hadn't been making very much money lately and needed a way to do my stuff, so I married Samus, and then divorced to get half of the money. It was the year after that I decided to take the Triforce again and got a HUGE cash settlement from Link to wait a while, then ended up having to pay her…"

-In the class-

They could hear Samus cackling through the walls.

-Video-

"Alrighty then, what makes you hap- We'll skip that one. What makes you sad?"

Ganondorf sighed sadly. "Not seeing people die… it makes me so unhappy when no one dies after I hurt them."

The interviewer skimmed over any questions with anger in them. "Okay here's one you can't twist! What is your ideal woman?"

"I want someone sweet and caring, who is willing to spend family time together and sit down at night just to talk-" He remembered he was on camera. "Um, I uh... NEXT QUESTION!"

"What are you ashamed of?"

Ganondorf sighed sadly. "Okay, there was this one time I was 4, and I was driving down the street like normal, when suddenly I hit something. I got out of car and looked back to see it was this kid I hate and he was all like 'bleeaaagaghh'." The interviewer nodded slowly at Ganondorf's imitation of a dying octopus. "I was so ashamed that I drove over someone and they didn't die…"

"O.O" was all the interviewer could do. "That's… so… um… George could you help me out a bit?"

"Heartbreaking?" George suggested.

"Yes, that's it!" Ganondorf said happily. "When this is over, I'm giving you a good tip!"

"Um… That's rather nice… Do you have any special talents?"

"Well…. You see, I have an ability to make strange weapons…"

The interviewer turned to camera. "Should I report this guy or something?"

"I wouldn't try it…" George advised.

"…one time I got a machine gun and put a bunch of machetes in the barrel. I started firing it at Marth and Mario a wee bit…"

"Ok, getting scared… When was the last time you cried?"

Ganondorf seemed to get really sad. "I sent nuclear strike at Mario and missed." He brightened up. "On the bright side, it ended up starting the Cold War! That's an awesome plus!"

"I'm officially scared…" the interviewer muttered.

"Then I'm doing my job right," Ganondorf said happily. "I need another nuke."

"I really shouldn't have applied for this job… I always meet psychopaths. First Daffy Duck, then Ronald McDonald, now you!" the interviewer screamed into the air, falling to her knees.

"Damn straight!" Ganondorf exclaimed energetically.

"Well, the quicker this goes the easier things are," she muttered under her breath. "What do you dream about the most?"

"What type of dream, like head dream where I kill people, or goal dream where I kill people?" Ganondorf asked.

"I think that answers it," the interviewer replied dryly. "Do have any ene- oh god…. enemies and why?"

"Link and I may not seem to get along, but we're pretty cool with each other. Though I still want to puncture him with exploding darts, it's my nature."

The interviewer stared. "Sou-"

Ganondorf kept talking. "And whenever I walk down the street, I make an enemy. Once time there was this like, 5 year old named Hugo on roller-skates, and I decided to clothesline him. His mother was being a bitch about it, so I decided to reach into her abdomen and pull out kidney."

The interviewer started inching her chair away. "Um…"

"AND I was grocery shopping, and cashier wanted me to pay for stuff, I got angry, which is ENTIRELY unlike me (Interviewer: o.O) and I decided to release rabid baboon on customers."

"I don't want to do this anymore…" the interviewer cried. Ganondorf grinned evilly.

"Well, I can make that easily obtainable, but I'm feelinglazy so NEXT QUESTION!"

"Do you support any charities?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf screamed in a nervous tone.

"Do you want me to continue then?"

"OF COURSE! I paid for this interview!" Ganondorf screeched.

"You didn't have to pay though…"

Ganondorf stood up. "I have to take care of something," he said before walking out of the room. All the two in the room heard was a bloodcurdling scream before silence.

"Fred, go check what happened," the interviewer ordered.

"I'm GEORGE."

"Fred, George, Paul, I don't give a damn, just go find out!" she screamed and George ran out for a few minutes. He eventually walked back in. "Well?"

"Yeah, I don't think Ganondorf can continue the interview," George said before Ganondorf burst into the room, bruised and bloody, holding a dismembered head.

"GANONDORF WILL CONTINUE!"

"Did you kill the guy or something?"

"No, he ran, I merely killed next person to walk by."

"Um… Anyways, what do you absolutely hate to do?"

Ganondorf growled menacingly. "Community service, I had to do it 3 times last week. It was a pain in the ass, all these people asking for help, I tore off their limbs by reflex and got into even_ more_ trouble. Seriously, what is the world coming to these days?"

"Apparently… not one… you… agree with…"

"Said like a true interview person!"

"I'm seriously regretting this job. How do you feel about money?"

"I don't use it very often."

"Oh, so you don't shop too much?"

"No I just don't pay for it."

The interviewer was silent. "Good job. Who influenced you the most in your life?"

"NO BODY INFLUENCES GANONDORF!" Ganondorf screamed, spit flying from his mouth. "He influences himself. I used M rated shooting games to raise me."

"Since we're on the topic of your childhood, what do you remember most about it?"

"Hm… I don't remember much of my father, but I was raised by my two surrogate mothers. They were twins, not Siamese, but look exactly alike. One claimed she was younger than the other, not sure what she was smoking until I found some and tried it, man that was good stuff. Anyway, I was king of my tribe in the desert ever since the day I was born, being the only male in the 1000 plus population. I would sometimes go out to the town and egg people's houses, until I found grenades and switched to those."

"I'm gonna cut you off here," the interviewer quickly cut in. "We're running low on time and I value my life, so last question for this session: What is the motto or phrase you live by?"

Ganondorf thought for a moment. "You live a while, eventually die and kill everything in between," he said.

"Lovely… who said that?"

"Me!"

George began giving signals to end it now. "Ok, I gotta… you know. LEAVE now…"

"Me too, I had a class I had to teach 2 hours ago," Ganondorf admitted happily.

Complete silence followed. "You are such a model citizen," George dully said.

"Thank you. I'm going to take that as a compliment."

"Bye now!" the interviewer said before running away. Ganondorf sat in the room for a moment.

"So now what I do?" he asked.

"Go home," a voice said over an intercom. Ganondorf took out his axe blade.

"The hunt BEGINS!" He ran off screen, and there was much screaming and bloodshed.

-End video-

"That is the most horrifying thing I've ever seen," Mario cried out.

"Drama queen," Ganondorf muttered.

"How the hell did you get a shot of killing someone during the video?" Link asked.

"I edited that part in after re-enacting it," Ganondorf explained. "And for record, yes, I did kill him. Now I hope you learned how to properly respond to questions while under pressure-"

"You didn't seem under pressure," Roy said.

"Of course I wasn't, didn't you notice how I asked interviewer some questions? YOU FAIL ROY!"

* * *

This chapter was inspired differently. All of the interview questions were from my sister's english assignment and I was supplying the answers. At first she was asking me and I was answering in my Ganondorf voice just for fun, then I started writing them down. To make it longer I added all of the parts where the interviewer was scared, where Ganon left and many other parts. 


	16. CIIS: The Musical

The story will be going along the 2007-2008 school year, meaning Brawl won't come out until "December". Oh, wait a minute... Damn, well it won't be out 'til "March". That doesn't mean nothing will happen with the Brawlers until then though...**_

* * *

_**

**_Monday September 28: Week 4, Day 16 _**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "No, that not right… CLASS _IS _IN SESSION! CLASS IS IN _SESSION_! CLASS IS…"

Ganondorf had been standing in front of his bathroom mirror practicing for over an hour. No matter what he did, the Great King of Evil was never satisfied.

"CLASS! IS! IN! **SESSION**! Hmm, it appears I was supposed to be in the class 20 minutes ago. Oh well. CLASS IS IN SESSION! CLASS…"

-In the classroom-

Crazy was standing/floating at the front of the room. "Okay,Ganondorfhasn'tcomeinyetandallattemptstocontacthimhavefailed. Asperregulations,wehavecalledinasubstituteteacherforthedaybuthehasn'tcomeineither. SoI'llbeinchargeofheretodayisn'tthatgreat?"

The class was all staring. "What the hell did you just say?" Link asked slowly.

"Firstthingsfirstlet'sdoattendence. Bowser?"

"Here!"

Crazy Hand ate him. "Notanymore. DonkeyKong?"

"Ooo AH!" (Here!)

He was also devoured. "GigaBowser?"

"Huh?" Giga had been playing a guitar perfectly. Crazy tried to eat him but he was far too large to even lift and was thus thrown out the window.

-Later-

Crazy had been eating everyone when they were forced to say "here".

"Mario?"

"Um… Not here?"

"OhokayI'llmoveonthen." Nobody had noticed this. "Marth?"

"What?" He was also eaten. By the end of the attendance Mario was the only one in the room, though Giga Bowser was unconscious outside the window.

"MarioistheonlyonenothererightnowonthislistbuttheonlyoneIseeisMario. Thereisaconspiracyatwork,andI,CrazySheldonHand,willseethroughthedeceptionandbringittothelight! Crazyaway!" Crazy Hand burst through the wall and flew down the street until he was out of sight.

Mario sat in the middle of the room, completely confused. "What?"

Ganondorf ran in the room, creating another hole right next to Crazy's.

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" he screamed, spit flying from his mouth. "I did it right! Hells yeah!" Ganondorf looked at the room. "Why is there 3.64 millilitres less water in the fish tank? I BLAME MARIO!"

"What fish tank?" Mario asked.

"THIS ONE!" Ganondorf took a fish tank out of his briefcase. Because he had been running there was water splashed everywhere. "Where everyone else?"

"Crazy… well, 'ate' them."

"Oh, it kind of creepy when he do that…"

"How's it work?"

-Outside-

Giga Bowser regained consciousness and went home.

-Inside-

Mario was nodded. "I never thought that was possible," he said.

"Me neither, until I saw him do it. It's too peaceful in here, 2000 ONE-HAND PUSHUPS! _NOW!_" He took out a sword and removed Mario's arm. "NO CHANCE TO CHEAT NOW, BITCH!"

"After all that you've done, WHY WOULD I RISK CHEATING?"

Ganon shrugged, acting as though he hadn't just cut off a limb. "I ain't no psychiatrist, START!"

Zelda was preparing to get a call telling Mario died. Instead she got a call that said she would have to hunt down Crazy Hand, dissect him and heal everyone inside. She opened her closet and took out a minigun. "Dr. Mario, cancel all my appointments."

"What appointments, you're a school nurse-a!" She pointed the gun at him. "Okki doki!"

Crazy was pissing on a fire hydrant when Zelda found him. She began shooting at him, sending hundreds of bullets tearing through the… stuff. She then remembered everyone she had to heal was inside before shrugging and continuing to shoot. Crazy broke a wall and grabbed a massive magnum before shooting metre long bullets at Zelda. Soon an epic battle ensued, one that can only be told through song:

_Zelda shot at Crazy Hand but he went and shot back  
__She countered with super powers and kicked him in the sack  
__Crazy fell to the ground whilst in great agony  
__A random man down the street stopped playing on his Wii  
__Just to see this awesome battle that's being told through song  
__It is flawless and awesome and has nothing wrong _

_Back at school Ganondorf was hurting Mario  
__He shoved, down the plumber's throat, many Oreo  
__The Italian coughed them up and glared at the large man  
__Ganon didn't like this and hit him with a van  
__Master Hand came over to get him to stop  
__He accidentally ended up sitting on a cop _

_Giga Bowser was calmly walking far to home  
__He walked passed a large building that manufactured foam  
__The super dragon loved that stuff and burst right inside  
__Killed all of the workers with lots of pesticide  
__Giga Bowser played in the foam for all day long  
__Until he saw, in the foam, unconscious Donkey Kong _

_Master Hand was fleeing because he killed the law  
__He decided he'd be safe deep in Arkansas  
__The plan would take lots of money, more then he had  
__And as a result he got extremely mad  
__Rampaging around he found his brother  
__Teaming up against Zelda they went and fought her _

_Let's go back in time a bit and tell DK's weird tale  
__Crazy had gotten hit by a giant chunk of hail  
__Temporarily opening his mouth, escape was in their reach  
__Donkey Kong was the one who had the stomach breach  
__He escaped, leaving them, and ran far away  
__Inside the foam factory he decided to stay _

_Ganondorf had gone out somewhere and left Mario alone  
__The Italian plumber went to escape and hid in the Sky Dome  
__He however hates football and then ran very far  
__No one was playing it yet he ran like a car  
__Ganondorf soon found him and kicked the short man's ass  
__Left the bloody little pulp lying on the grass _

_Now we shall conclude the fight and make this weird song end  
__Zelda shot the minigun and made Crazy Hand bend  
__It was too much for his body and caused a hernia  
__The hole to escape was there, but would they take it? Duh!  
__All of the prisoners rapidly escaped  
__Ganondorf drove up to them and suddenly taped  
__All of them together and brought them back to school  
__That is the very end now wasn't this song cool? _

Ganon threw all of them into the room. "CLASS _IS _IN SESSION! FUCK, I DID IT WRONG!" He then noticed everyone was in pain or dead, with most being the second. "ZELDA!"

She rolled out from the bottom of his golf cart which was in middle of the room, having created a third hole. "What the hell do you want?"

"Do your job and heal them!"

"Fuck you Ganondorf, fuck you."


	17. Attendance is Mandatory

**_Tuesday September 29th: Week 4, Day 17 _**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed at them all.

This resulted in Mario crying.

"Next time you do that, I'm going to RIP OUT YOUR TEAR DUCTS!" He went back to the matter at hand. "Alright, this is crouching week as you know. However, apparently I have to do crappy 'attendance' every day, otherwise I'll get fired, so let's get started. MARIO, LATE!"

"What?!"

"You heard me!" Ganondorf kicked Mario in the shins from half way across the room. "LINK, ABSENT DUE TO HERPIES!"

"That's just mean!" Link yelled out in outrage.

"AFTER 17 DAYS WOULDN'T YOU PEOPLE HAVE LEARNED NOT TO YELL OUT?" He shot Link with his taser-bow. "GIGA BOWSER, ABSENT AT GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL WHICH I CAUSED!"

"What is wrong with that twisted little mind of yours?" Link asked.

"I serious this time, look, he's no here," Ganondorf answered, not knowing he seriously needed English lessons. "For DOUBTING GREAT GANONDORF, you must go bring my laundry back to my house **NOW**! Here are the address and keys."

"This doesn't sound too hard," Link muttered.

"That's the general opinion of my tasks at first, just ask Mario!"

Mario was in the fetal position with one eye twitching peeling potatoes. "So… so many… why many? Can't… Potato… Why… Eating pickles… Po-ta-toooooooooo! Po-ta-toooooooooo! Po-ta-toooooooooo!"

Everyone was wondering when that happened when Pikachu was thrown in the fish tank. "NO NOSE PICKING! It's disgusting!"

"Blagh flaleh plap!" (What the hell?!) Pikachu tried to say.

"Back on track. Peach?"

"Didn't Crazy Hand eat us yesterday at attendance?" Peach asked.

"Absent, didn't hear a here. DK?"

"Ooo ooo AH!" (Here you son of a bitch.)

"For all I know that's absent. Yoshi?"

"(Indescribable Yoshi noise)!"

"Luigi, shut up and let Yoshi talk." Luigi was sad no one cared he could talk Yoshi.

"(Indescribable Yoshi noise)?"

"WHY CAN'T ANY OF YOU JUST SAY HERE? Next person that do not say here makes me hurt Mario! Bowser?"

"H- Banana phone!" Mario looked up just in time to be shot with the taser-bow. Bowser was rather satisfied from this turn of events. "That was amusing."

"That is OPINION, not FACT! However, it is also my opinion which _is _fact!" Ganondorf proclaimed. "Attendance over, everyone OUTSIDE!"

As they walked outside Bowser wondered something. "How will Kirby and Jigglypuff crouch?" he asked Ganon.

"That'll be the fun part!" Ganondorf exclaimed, sliding a stone along his axe-blade. "I'll be one minute, got to get Giga Bowser, Roy in charge!" He ran down the street.

Roy blinked, looking at everyone. "Um, what do I do?" he asked.

_"Do what I'd do…" _a Russian voice in his head said.

"Alright I will!"

_"Good, good, the microphone's working." _

"Wait, what?"

_"Nothing, this is your foreign-accented conscience, not Ganondorf talking through a device he implanted in your brain while you slept." _

"Okay, I suppose…" Roy said.

Back with the others, Bowser leaned over toward Marth. "Why is he talking to himself?" he whispered.

Marth shrugged. "I'm beginning to think the pressure's finally got to him," Marth responded.

"What pressure?"

"Well…"

_"Tell them to start crouching. SCREAM IT!" _

"I never knew Roy had all that going on at home!" Bowser said, feeling extremely sympathetic.

"Me neither until I opened his fridge…"

Mario turned to Luigi. "Did you see him this morning?" Mario asked and was given a weird look. "The guy in the purple turtleneck is back… He… he walked out of the dishwasher and started eating Oreos… He then stared at me with one eye twitching and an Oreo sticking out of his mouth. When I went to walk away he started spinning around and flailing his arms like the other times."

"START CROUCHING!" Roy screamed. They all stared at him. "I'm nervous, I have stage fright!"

_"Um, you aren't on a stage." _

"Oh right, thanks! DO IT NOW, FUCKSACKS!" Roy took out his sword and they all began crouching, having imagined another red haired sword wielding maniac in his place. "Start walking like that or I hurt you badly!" They all began doing a horrible crab walk. "This is amusing! You were right- um… what can I call you?"

_"Call me Royandorf. Now look for anyone doing it wrong and cut their legs off like the great Ganondorf said he would!" _

Roy looked around and saw Kirby's attempt, if you can call it that, at crouching. "How would I cut off Kirby's legs?"

Kirby heard this and ate G&W before hiding his 2D self in a crack in the cement.

_"Hurt Mario." _

"Why? He's doing it right," Roy pointed out.

_"He makes Ganond- I mean Royandorf angry! Everything he does is a mockery of what I stand for! Hurt him now or I will run over from Giga's grandmother's funeral and do it myself!" _

"Fine, no need to get pissy Royandorf!" Roy walked over to Mario and cut off his legs.

"ROY WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!"

"No questions!" Roy screamed before throwing Mario into a wall. Roy froze. "Holy shit!" he yelled. "I might've left the oven on!"

"Any other startling revelations about your recent behaviour to add to that thought?" Marth asked him. Roy got in a thinking pose for a minute.

"No, not really," Roy answered. "Although Royandorf's name is very similar to a familiar name. Wait, his last syllable is one letter off from dolf, which is a letter off from Adolf, which is a surname off from Adolf Hitler! HOLY CRAP MY CONSCIENCE IS HITLER!"

Marth face palmed. "Yes, that's right," he muttered disbelievingly.

"Marth shut up," Roy said. "I can't wait for Ike to come and give me someone better to talk to."

"WHO THE HELL IS IKE?" Marth screamed.

_"Okay Roy I'm turning off this thing for a bit, take care of things on your own." _

Roy blinked and shook his head. "What was all that about?"

Ganondorf walked into the field with Giga Bowser in a wheelbarrow. "Why were you talking into that radio the whole time?" Giga asked Ganon. "And was it necessary to grab the corpse and shove it into the ground to end the funeral?"

"Personal reasons and no," Ganondorf told him. "Roy, you're demoted. Mario, you're stupid. Pichu, you're ugly. Game & Watch, you're 2D, ha ha. Kirby, you're a pink 22 year old single male. Crazy, you're here for no reason, please leave. Ganon, you're awesome. Do you all now know how I feel about you?"

"Yes."

"No."

"Nope."

"I have my guess…"

"Justmaybebutthat…"

"Sure, why not."

"…doesn'tmeanIhavetocarewhatyouthink."

"Okay, THAT'S ENOUGH! Get back to crouching or I do what Roy did to MARIO!" Ganondorf picked up Mario. "SEE?" Zelda healed the legs back on while Ganon was holding him. "Oh don't be a bitch."

"Bite me Ganondorf," Zelda said.

Ganondorf tried to whack her with Mario but she moved and he ended up splattering Mario on the pavement. "Shit," Ganondorf said, looking at a pile of dog shit. "And on the Mario thing: HA HA!"

Moral of the story: Don't go to your grandma's funeral while you have an insane red haired nutcase as your teacher because the red haired student will go berserk and end up hurting the Italian student.


	18. GANONBALL ROUND 3!

Well, it's the final 1 hour 21 minutes before Brawl comes out, so I decided to celebrate with a new chapter of Class is in Session! Enjoy!

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**_Wednesday September 30th: Week 4, Day 18_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

Mario began crying. Ganon walked over to him, reached into his eyelids and tore out the tear ducts. "I fucking warned you!"

"How the fuck did you get so violent?" Mario cried.

"1st person shooters and untamed angry urges of destruction," Ganon explained. "Today is the last day of this month, so we will have a free day off from my plans. Any suggestions?"

"Let's make muffins!"

"Fuck you Peach."

"That's what she said," Peach muttered.

"Math equations!" Link declared. They all stared at him.

"That's boring and I have a hangover, so DETENTION LINK!" Ganondorf yelled.

"Still? How much did you drink last night?" Link asked.

"Nothing, I got drunk this morning," Ganondorf explained. "If anyone else says bad suggestions then they get HURT. BADLY. Now SUGGEST!" No one said anything. "MARIO! Say something, and if I hate it you will be hung by your toenails in my dungeon!"

"Um, er… Basketball?"

"Did I hear Ganonball? Why that's an EXCELLENT suggestion Mario!" Ganondorf chimed, rubbing his hands together evilly. "So shall we get going?"

They trudged to the gym with Ganondorf playing funeral music on a radio which he was carrying. On the way Pikachu and Young Link both broke into tears at points along the way and were locked in a safe which DK was to carry.

"Well Mario, I'm surprised at how well you're taking this," Bowser said. "You haven't burst into tears like the other two." Mario gave him a nasty look. "Oh yeah…" Bowser snickered under his breath. They entered the gym and Ganondorf told them to divide into 2 teams.

"I have an idea," he explained.

Bowser, Mario, Kirby, Ness, Pichu, Luigi, Pikachu, Giga Bowser, and Yoshi were team 1.

Donkey Kong, Peach, Game & Watch, Jigglypuff, Link, Ice Climbers, Marth, Roy and Young Link were team 2.

Ganondorf shook his head. "I don't agree, I CHOOSE TEAMS NOW!"

Bowser, Donkey Kong, Giga Bowser, Ice Climbers, Jigglypuff, Kirby, Link, Luigi, Mario, G&W, Ness, Pichu, Pikachu, Peach, Marth, Yoshi and Young Link were team 1.

Roy was team 2. "Isn't this a little one sided?" Roy asked, moderately frightened.

"Well I'm on one team but that isn't considered one sided," Ganondorf snapped. "In fact, you people seem to want to all be against me! No one cares how Ganondorf feels, oh no, it's always 'Stop that', or 'You aren't allowed to do that', or 'Put the corpse in there or Gainindolf will shove pipe up your nose'! Why can't you people, just one single time, ask 'How are you doing Ganondorf'. In fact, a 'Hello Ganondorf' would be fine too! Everyone judges me by my actions and not by what causes them, it's the most unfair thing ever! So suck it up princess!"

Roy opened his mouth to say something, then closed it. He repeated several times before saying, "How are you doing Ganondorf?"

"DON'T BUTT INTO MY PERSONAL LIFE!" Ganondorf threw a lightning ball at Roy who ducked. "Okay, here rules. I do the normal to team 1, and team 2 will be over with team 1 trying to kill them. If anyone attack team 2 I EVISERATE THEIR SOUL!"

"But I don't believe in souls," Bowser said.

"It figure of speech," Ganondorf said. "It mean…" He whispered something in Bowser's ear, and Bowser's eyes widened.

"I _do _believe that I just wet myself. No, wait, I'm just pissing…"

_"Roy, kill them all, make Royandolf proud!" _

"Okay Royandolf!" Roy said enthusiastically, drawing his sword.

"Uh, Marth," Luigi whispered. "Roy's getting that yesterday look in his eyes again. And why is Ganondorf whispering into a stuffed giraffe?"

_"Especially Mario." _

"Mario will be first."

Mario turned to Giga Bowser. "I will pay you 50 dollars to protect me."

"I'm Bowser's uncle, and you'd think I'd have a grudge against you for throwing my nephew into a star," Giga Bowser said dully. He was hit in the face by a lightning ball.

"OUT!"

"Bye bye Mario!"

"Look! I'm moving, I'm out!"

"Rule breakable in this game!"

Roy ran into team 1 with a rocket launcher, firing randomly. His first shot hit the basketball net, the second a squirrel and the third went out a window, bounced off a tree and went into Master Hand's office.

"Why haven't we fired Ganondorf yet?" a charred Master Hand asked.

"He'sthebestwecangetonourcurrentsalary."

"Samus, put down the coffee," Master Hand said.

"Butit'ssoaddictivethatIjustwanttobackflipanddoabarrelroll!" a twitching Samus said, drinking more coffee.

"Talkinglikethatissomekindofcopyright,Iswear!" Crazy Hand growled.

Roy ran out of ammo but Ganondorf gave him another. Young Link dove down and hid behind Bowser, latching onto his back. Bowser turned around and Young Link was hit by Ganon, exploding.

"SHIT!" Link swore as he disappeared in a cloud of smoke.

"Thank you Bowser, however that was betrayal so you get EXTRA LIFE!" He hit Bowser in the face. "EXTRA GONE!"

Link ran back in so quickly that a cloud of smoke was left behind him. "Okay, I'm back from Burger King, what did I miss?"

"You getting out. Oh, wait, that's NOW!" Ganondorf threw an energy ball at Link. He sidestepped. Ganondorf threw another and Link sidestepped once more. He threw a third which the Kokiri blocked with Pichu. "Oh fuck it." Ganondorf began focusing on Jigglypuff. "Roy, you're getting too soft, HURT MORE!"

"I only listen to Royandolf!"

_"Roy, you're getting too soft, HURT MORE!" _

"There we go!"

Ganondorf looked around. "Where the hell is Mario?"

"In the freezer," Bowser replied in an annoyed tone.

"You said you wouldn't tell!" Mario moaned from somewhere inside Bowser's shell. Bowser went inside his shell.

"Hey, get back in the freezer! No no no, stay AWAY from the computer room- Hey! That's my Diablo 2! No throwing the air conditioner. You're paying for that. NO! That's Uncle Leo's most prized possession, he asked me to keep it safe! NO, DON'T THROW IT OUT THE WINDOW!"

A pink banjo came out Bowser's leg hole. They all turned and stared at Giga Bowser. "Leo's his other uncle."

"That's it, I'm coming in!" Ganondorf went inside Bowser's shell. "Wow, this place is roomy."

"I just redecorated, don't touch anything. Take off your shoes, they're disgusting, what did you step in?" Bowser asked.

"A little bit of everything."

Mario squeezed out of the tail hole. "There's so much room to hide in inside there, but Bowser's got cameras everywhere," he explained. "If you need me, I'll be in the storage closet."

_"Roy, while great Ganondorf is busy they are distracted, attack now, Royandolf commands it!" _

"Okay!" Roy cut off Yoshi's head.

"(Dying Yoshi noise)!" Yoshi screamed. However, unbeknownst to Roy, Yoshi are like chicken, they can survive without their heads. Yoshi kicked over Roy and began beating on him. Roy tried to stab him but Yoshi stepped on his sword and broke it in half. Roy began wielding it like a dagger and Yoshi grabbed a beer bottle, smashing it.

"This is getting boring," Link said as Roy and Yoshi had their stab fight in the background.

Ganondorf crawled out of the shell, brushing himself off. "I never knew that you collected every Nintendo system," he said as Bowser stood up.

"Even the Virtual Boy. Locked it in its own room though."

"Okay, I'm going to go get my dynamite, it in storage closet," Ganondorf said. "You all too relaxed, I CONTINUE INSTEAD!"

"But, um, what about your dynamite?" Pichu asked.

"I remote detonate it!" He pressed a button and they all heard Mario scream. "NOW DIE LIKE FOX'S PET GECKO!"


	19. Playing Manual

I got Brawl and am thoroughly enjoying it, aside from unlocking SPOILERTheCharacterWolfWhoIsHardENDSPOILER, he's a son of a bitch. However, there are no Brawl characters included in this chapter, though one may come sometime in the next week chapters...

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**_Thursday October 1st: Week 4, Day 19_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, spit flying from his mouth, some getting in the people at the front's eyes.

Mario burst into tears, whether from sadness or the acidic spit in his eyes we do not know.

"Okay, over next 4 days I get special attacks out of way," Ganondorf explained.

"But in two days it's a weekend," Kirby said.

"SO WHAT? YOU COME ANYWAY!"

Master Hand poked a finger in. "Actually, I looked it over and we aren't allowed to do that. Sorry," the hand said before leaving very quickly.

"Fine, today we work on B attacks," Ganondorf said.

"What the hell is a B attack?" Marth asked.

"This is a video game stupid," Roy said, smacking him in the head but the butt of his sword. Marth fell to the floor, bleeding and swearing.

"What Roy said," said Ganondorf. "First we have demonstration. MARIO! I will demonstrate on you! Get over here…"

Mario slowly got up and walked over there.

"If you notice the defeated look in Mario's eyes, that is how an opponent should feel regarding your B attack. Mine can obliterate him so he feels fear," Ganondorf explained. "Now observe. I need a volunteer to hold him still, otherwise he'll run."

"I'll do it!" Luigi yelled from the back. Mario stared at him. "It may get our family on his good side in the near future."

"I hate your family forever," Ganondorf snapped. "Now hold your brother so I can slaughter him!" Luigi walked up and put Mario in an arm-lock. Ganondorf charged up his warlock punch and hit Mario in the head, destroying it completely and Luigi behind him. "That is my B attack. NONE OF YOURS ARE AS GOOD! Pikachu sucks."

"Mine's the same as Pichu's!" Pikachu defended.

"I was talking about YOU, not your attack!" Ganondorf explained angrily. "We go outside to practice, except you Popo, you bring these two to Zelda.

"Okay!" Popo ran off, dragging the two brothers.

"That guy's too happy, maybe I should B attack him…"

"Stop saying B attack!" Marth yelled.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf threw him out the window. "Now everyone get out where Marth is! Preferably the same way."

"What, insulting you and getting thrown out a window?" Link asked sarcastically.

"PRECISELY!" He threw Link out a window, or tried to as it was closed and reinforced just for that occasion. Ganondorf B attacked it but the window didn't even shutter. "EVERYONE OUTSIDE!" They all quickly ran out. The moment they left Ganondorf grasped his hand and screamed silently, jumping up and down while mouthing swear words.

"Ganondorf?" Ness said from outside the door.

"GO!"

-Outside: 10:42am-

"Okay, let's have one more demonstration of B attacks," Ganondorf said. "Roy, use your B attack on Ness." He smacked Ness with his sword and Ness' hat caught fire. "NO FULLY CHARGED!"

"Won't he be incinerated?" Roy asked.

"DUH! Now obey or Royandolf will be angry!"

"I don't remember ever telling anyone about him, but sure, if you know about my Russian accented conscience then I should probably listen, at least that's what Royan- Ganondorf, what's with the stuffed giraffe?"

_It's irrelevant, do what he says! _

"OBEY ROYANDOLF!"

"Stop yelling you lunatic," Roy snapped. "Ness, hold still."

"I don't trust this completely," Ness said, suddenly fearful. Roy B attacked him and Ness was promptly incinerated. "How was that?"

"You should have made a witty remark, so NO!" Ganondorf looked at the rest of them, despite Roy being with them. "Everyone pair up and begin testing your B attacks on one-another. I will supervise and grade you accordingly. Hmm, there appears to be an uneven number of you, so I shall be partnered with whoever's left. START PAIRING!"

They all quickly began pairing, the usual, Marth with Kirby, Link with Giga Bowser, etc. Soon only the Ice Climbers were left…

"Looks like you're partners with me," Ganondorf laughed, cracking his knuckles.

"Oh boy!" They were ecstatic.

"STOP BEING HAPPY!"

Fox walked into the area. "Anyone seen where I parked my Arwing? I think I may have accidentally left a body in there and don't want the cops to find it."

"Fox can be their partner," Giga Bowser said.

"WHAT?"

"I enjoy seeing you angry," Giga explained.

"Then again, if Fox's B attack is what I think it is then I'm going to like where this is going, so go ahead," Ganondorf said.

Fox shot the two Ice Climbers who didn't flinch.

"WHERE THE FUCK'S YOUR LANDMASTER!" Ganondorf roared.

"That's my FINAL SMASH, not my B ATTACK," Fox explained slowly as if talking to someone who didn't speak English.

"Well Landmaster him then if you want me to tell you where your Arwing is," Ganondorf told him, crossing his arms. Fox glared.

"I haven't got it yet, Brawl isn't coming out until December 3rd," Fox said. "They don't send things ahead of time."

"Well once December 3rd comes you'll have it," Ganondorf said. "In the meantime start practicing!"

Mario and Luigi were brought back to life during this. "Dude, let's skip this," Mario said.

"But that will make Ganondorf even madder!" Luigi said.

"So? If we don't he'll kill us again. And I dislike that. So let's go out that window when Zelda isn't looking, okay?"

"I can hear you two," Zelda said. "And I don't give a fuck."

"She's on to us, run!" They jumped out the closed window, shattering it and landing right in front of Gainindolf.

"You two are not allowed to skip!" he screamed, sorcerer punching them in the face, killing both. Meanwhile, Ganondorf was continuing to observe the class, giving helpful pointers.

"Pikachu, aim for the crotch you wimp!" He kicked DK, the mouse's partner, in the balls. "Like that, now repeat!"

"My B attack's lightning though," Pikachu said.

"It's crotch-shot now bitch, now kick that monkey's balls! Peach, what is that?"

Peach held up Toad by the leg. "It's my B attack?" she answered questioningly.

"NO QUESTIONS!" He obliterated Toad. "Your new B attack is crotch-shot! You're a clone of Pikachu now, so if you don't shoot lightning in the near future, YOU'RE SCREWED!"

Roy and Marth were partners, but Marth wasn't doing anything. "Why aren't you B-ing me?" Roy asked.

"Well, I don't know how to say this…" Marth began.

"With your mouth."

"Fuck off. But I don't know how to do a B attack!" Marth was panicking. 

"Didn't you read the manual?" Roy asked, staring down Marth.

"Who the hell actually reads those?" Marth asked.

"Everyone who knows what a B attack is, maybe!" Roy snapped. "You better learn before Ganondorf finds out, otherwise you're screwed!"

_I- I mean he figures out what? _

"That Marth can't B attack, because he's too much of a lazy ass to read the manual," Roy said to air.

"MARTH, DEMONSTRATE B ATTACK!" Ganondorf screamed while holding Peach in a headlock with one arm and a 9 volt battery in the other hand.

"Why can't Roy, he's a clone of me!" Marth asked.

"Because I said so!" Ganondorf began hooking up wires to Peach and the battery.

"Um," Marth said, explaining his situation perfectly. He randomly did something and they all stared. Except Peach who was running around screaming while on fire and electric.

"Marth…" Ganondorf began, sounding evil. "Why did you just Final Smash Game & Watch?"

"Because you hate him!" Link said.

"Shut the hell up Link, you're lousy and your entire family is dead. Jump in a hole and eat yourself. MARTH!"

"Look, a bird!" Marth pointed behind Ganondorf.

"That doesn't work you douchebag," Ganondorf growled. "Tell me or I'll rip out your eyes and-" A massive eagle picked up Ganondorf and began trying to fly off but he B attacked it and was dropped. "And that is why they're useful."


	20. Background History

Guys it's Side-B day, but I'm going to be using the attacks from Melee for now. That means Ganondorf's will still be like Falcon, Mario's down won't be FLUDD. They'll eventually change once it gets to the Brawl-oriented chapters.

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_**Friday October 2nd: Week 4, Day 20**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, spit flying from his mouth.

Mario cried. "WHY ME? First the purple turtleneck guy, now Ganondorf!"

Ganondorf blinked. "Oh, you met James 'Po-Bo' Johnson! He's an actor I hired to scare you continuously! His pay check expires next Wednesday. Has he pissed in your bed yet?"

"THAT WAS HIM?!" Mario screamed.

"And you blamed the Goomba," Luigi chastised, shaking his head.

"And if I'm right, he should have done worse things after that." Ganondorf sounded very pleased with himself. Mario wanted to be warlock punched again.

"Wait, Goomba?" Bowser interjected.

"Yeah, we found him on the streets," Luigi explained. "Could only make dog noises for some reason… He's our pet now!"

"Yeah, that's mine. We got a hypnotist to try and make my men tougher. Turns out he only made people act like animals, half my troops were running around the city acting like random animals for 3 hours. We did a head count and 1 was missing," Bowser explained.

"Um, no offense, but your men must be pretty fucking pathetic," Link stated.

"LINK! WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT SWEARING?" Ganondorf growled. "Swear against and I will remove your testicles with searing hot tongs and use them to replace your eyes!"

"Testicles are insufficient in replacing the function which your eyes serve," Game & Watch said in monotone. Ganondorf punched him in the side of the head.

"DON'T BE A SMART–ASS or we'll take a visit to the PAPER SHREADER!" He walked back to the front of the room. "Okay, we'll be performing side-Bs today," Ganondorf said. "Demonstration time! Mario, come up here!"

Mario trudged to the front of the room.

"Okay, every side B unique in this room. Except Pichu, fucking clone…"

"What about Roy?!"

"Roy's sets people on fire. Well, mine throws people up in air. Let's watch, I like to say that seeing things is a hell of a lot less boring then hearing them." Ganondorf used his Gerudo dragon to hit Mario upwards, smashing his head into a light where he was electrocuted.

"Some of your Side-Bs are awesome, like mine. Some are fucking shit, like Jigglypuff's. All can be used meaningfully, however, as-" Ganondorf broke out into laughter. "Sorry, couldn't finish it! Jigglypuff's is utter crap, I mean seriously!"

"I wish I could eat myself," Jigglypuff muttered. They are stared. "The space-time continuum would collapse and kill Ganondorf."

"Ooo ooo AH," (Translation: You're a retard.) DK said.

"Everyone SHUT UP!" Roy snapped. "I want to do this thing! Yeesh, I wish I had hot tongs…" They all inched their desks away from his.

"Roy has right idea," Ganondorf said as he pulled the injured Mario from the roof and threw him in his desk. "OUTSIDE OR SECOND DEMONSTRATION!"

"It'll just be on Mario, Ness or Luigi," Giga Bowser commented.

"How this sound: I carve out Mario's skull and pick a name from it, it could be ANYONE, even MARIO!" They all ran from the room, aside from Young Link who tried to jump through the window, forgetting it was reinforced.

"That hurt like a Gekko pissing on a firefly…" he muttered. Ganondorf had no idea what that meant so he opened the window and threw him out.

-Outside-

"Ganondorf, I swear that if you kill the younger version of me I will stab you in the crotch as a last act before disappearing from existence!" Link threatened.

"If you never existed then how will I have been stabbed?" Ganondorf mocked.

"Ooo! I'll do it!"

"Shut up you. Ignoring Link and that idiot's outbursts, we move on to Side-Bs. Everyone know what theirs is?" Ganondorf asked.

"The game's been out for years, I think we know," Marth told him.

"This is coming from the guy who STILL can't B attack? _I_ mock _you_ for once." Marth mumbled something inaudible. "Any questions?"

"Um-"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf screamed, Gerudo dragon-ing Kirby who went through a window and into a light where he was electrocuted.

"Damn, I was hoping you'd stopped saying that," Pikachu said.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" The angry man also GDed Pikachu who went flying into the building and into a light bulb where he wasn't affected very much. "Anyone else want to be a smart-ass?" he growled, cracking his knuckles. They were silent. "TOO BAD, I HURT YOU ANYWAY!" He GDed Marth, who went flying into the air where he was struck by lightning almost instantly.

They all began to Side-B, with Ganondorf kindly and helpfully correcting them whenever they did it wrong. Well, at least that's what he told them to say should the police ask where they got that possibly fatal sword wound in their abdomen.

"Um, guys?" Kirby asked. "Why is Fox still here?"

"Well that's because Ganondorf has my Arwing and won't give it back until I Landmaster the Ice Climbers, but I can't because I won't get it until Brawl. So I'm stuck here until December 3rd which is when it will indefinitely come out," Fox explained.

**FOX HAS JOINED YOUR PARTY!**

"That was creepy," Fox stated.

"By the way, some of you won't be in Brawl so your purpose here will be meaningless," Ganondorf added. "However, you in Melee so GET TO WORK! NOW!"

"We never stopped working though!" Mario clarified. "Except Kirby, he stopped hitting Yoshi with his hammer."

"Sooooo painful! Yooooshiiiii…" Yoshi moaned.

"Yoshi withstood all that? I wonder… Giga Bowser, Side-B Yoshi!"

"HUH?" Yoshi was slashed with the massive claw, bleeding yet still alive.

"I was right!" Ganondorf laughed. "Yoshi is special, no matter how much pain or damage you give him, no matter how many times you KO him, he can't die! And as such, he is now the class practice dummy, START HITTING HIM!"

"Yeah, let's all attack the practically crippled turtle thing, it'll really help us learn," Link said, rolling his eyes.

"Link speaks the truth, Yoshi!"

"Link's mother was also a hooker who banged three people every hour even while 8 months pregnant; he most likely gained the retarded gene from her making him not the best source of advice," Ganondorf stated. They all stared wide eyed at him. "Yeah, I went there, now anyone else want to contradict me so I can bring up humiliating backgrounds?"

"Nah, we're good," Young Link said, now moderately depressed.

"Talk about Mario," Peach said, though her thoughts revolved more so around: 'Time to get some blackmail material on that son of a bitch who keeps "rescuing" me. Fuck, he keeps ruining my plans!'

"Well, his father was nearly declared world's stupidest man but he missed the initiation ceremony because he couldn't follow the directions from the MacDonald's he was at. By the way, it was across the street," Ganondorf explained. "Oh, and Mario once ate a hamburger that was actually made of dog feces, last week actually!"

Mario threw up on the ground.

"Oh, right, I hadn't told you that yet… Oh well, ha ha."


	21. I'll Taunt you as much as I Want!

Well, as difficult as it was I managed to take a break from Brawl to bring you this chapter!

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**Monday October 5th: Week 5, Day 21**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared, blowing Mario's chair backwards before he could cry. "So did everyone have good weekend?"

"Oh yeah, amazing," Link said sarcastically. "But you know what would've made it even _better_, probably YOU **NOT** KIDNAPPING UP TO TEACH US FUCKING DOWN AND UP-BS!"

"STOP SWEARING YOU FUCK-HEAD!"

-Saturday October 3rd-

"Mario, door's for you," Mario's father called.

"Who is it?" Mario asked from the third story.

"A green guy who says he's your teacher!" Mario paled considerably. "How nice, he says he's here to give you a lesson that will keep you ahead of the rest of the class, and your brother too!"

"Blah?" Luigi popped up from behind a table.

The two trudged down the stairs to see Ganondorf talking with their father. "Oh, hello my _quiet_ students!" Ganondorf greeted. "So are you ready for the lesson?"

"One moment," Mario said, turning to his father. "Dad, you've been a good parent all these years. And Luigi, you've been a good brother."

"Yes yes, very touching but no one cares," Ganondorf said as he picked them up by their mustaches and walked out the door. Ganondorf tracked down everyone, picking them out of whatever they were doing and bringing them to a large field. He kind of stopped DK from defusing a bomb which took out half the city, but no one cares about it.

"My bath will flood my house!" Peach yelled. 'The water will wreck my written plans!'

"There's a lawnmower rampaging around the city by now," Giga Bowser stated. "And because it's mine, it's VERY big!"

"I was on a date!" Roy screamed, eye twitching.

"I was ordering the last Landmaster in stock, now Wolf'll probably get it first!" Fox growled.

"Why would he need a Landmaster?" Kirby asked.

-Elsewhere-

"We're gonna have fun with this…"

-With Ganon & crew-

"Your personal lives are irrelevant compared to what I plan to do today," Ganondorf said. "DOWN-BS! Mario, demonstration time, get over here now." Mario began looking for an opening and he saw it, between Bowser and Marth. The plumber made a run for it, knowing he was faster then Ganondorf. "Oh, you didn't!" Ganondorf growled. Mario was faster, but…

…when your legs are taken off by a wizard's kick, it's kind of difficult to run.

"Now that you see how to do it, START PRACTICING BITCHES!"

"Hey, Marth," Roy said. "I have an idea!" He performed a fully charged B attack which Marth countered, followed by Roy countering, and the cycle repeated. "This is awesome!"

Ganondorf threw Ness at Marth just as Roy countered making him screw up and the two were obliterated by Roy's attack. Roy stared blankly at the two scorch marks.

_Nice…_

"I haven't heard from you a lot recently," Roy said, making everyone stare at him. "Where've you been?"

_I… um… I tripped._

-Sunday October 3th-

"UP BS!"

"Ganondorf, I swear that if you kidnap me from my living room again then you will suffer, slowly and painfully!" Fox growled. Ganondorf used dark dive on him making the animal go flying through the air.

"START NOW, OR I WILL TEAR YOUR RIBS OUT AND USE THEM TO IMPALE YOUR BRAIN, through your ASS!"

"Aren't most of ours just us spinning around and getting dizzy?" Young Link asked.

"No, like rest of specials, Jigglypuff's is useless," Ganondorf said.

"This is coming from the guy who can barely speak correct English," Jigglypuff stated dully.

"Wow, I was just insulted by the GUY who's a pink ball of fluff!" Ganondorf retaliated. Everyone stopped what they were doing to stare at Jigglypuff.

"Oh don't look so surprised," the fluff snapped.

-Current time-

Ganondorf laughed. "That was the best weekend I've ever had, how could you hate it?"

"Um, who's the new guy?" Kirby asked before Ganondorf cut him in half with his axe-blade.

"NO QUESTIONS!" he roared. "Our floating friend over there is someone new, he's the co-op student who is here to learn from me in hopes of creating more teachers like me."

"Y-you mean **more** Ganondorfs?!" Pichu whimpered.

"What wrong with me?" Ganondorf growled, holding his sword to the mouse's throat. "You have a problem with the great Ganondorf? I am the most successful teacher in this school!"

"The only other teachers are Samus, who we haven't even been taught by; Zelda, who is too busy healing our wounds; and Giga Bowser, who you have here!" Marth said before jumping as the axe-blade went right where his most sensitive spot was. "That nearly hit my surgery wound!" Marth screamed, shielding his knee.

"Um, is this normal teaching patterns?"

"Why yes Mewtwo, everything I do fits perfectly under regulation," Ganondorf explained as Mewtwo floated beside his desk, arms crossed.

"That's… not what I learned where I come from," the Pokemon telepathically said to the room.

"LESSON ONE, forget absolutely EVERYTHING you previously learned, it help in no way here," Ganondorf ordered.

"But I learned how to properly encourage the students to help them accomplish-"

"BULLSHIT, that helps NO ONE!" Ganondorf snorted. "Encouraging is USELESS! Connecting is USELESS! The only thing NOT USELESS is PAIN, and RAGE! Write that down."

Mewtwo sighed. "Don't you have a class to teach instead of talking to me?" he asked.

They looked back only to see Crazy Hand sitting in the middle of the room, licking his fingers. "Thosechickenfingerstastedgood!" he said.

"Nope," Ganondorf stated. "ZELDA! WE NEED SURGERY!"

Zelda walked into the room. "Did Crazy Hand eat them all again?" she asked dully.

"Again? Is this a daily routine or something?" Mewtwo asked.

"Less daily, more so every once and a while," Ganondorf explained. "Get used to weird things, and don't be afraid of killing students, Zelda fix them back up." She flipped him off.

-20 minutes later-

Ganondorf shoved Crazy Hand in the closet and put down his tranquilizer gun. "How come he gets shot with darts while we get shot with bullets?" Mario asked.

"You want dart? FINE!" He shot Mario in the eye with one of the tranquilizer darts. "Who else wants special treatments?"

"It would make us so much happier!" Popo exclaimed in happiness, Nana nodding in agreement.

"Okay, you get shot with this… um… Cake Gun," Ganondorf said as he took out a rocket launcher and fired. A cake blasted out and landed in front of the extremely happy Ice Climbers. "Who the fuck replaced my missile with a cake?!"

-7:00 pm-

Fox was staying at Mario's home until Ganondorf gave back the Arwing. He was currently at the kitchen table making a sandwich. He finished and picked it up to eat it.

"I can't let you do that Star Fox…"

Fox froze, looking around. "Wolf, what the hell are you doing? Where are you?" He turned to see a phone off the hook. "Wolf, leave me alone so I can eat my sandwich."

"I said I can't let you do that."

"Fine, I'll put the sandwich down, and-"

"What's the matter, scared?"

Fox sighed. "Wolf, seriously, leave me alone."

"We're gonna have fun with this…"

A red Landmaster crashed through the roof, crushing Fox beneath it. Said animal laughed dryly. "Ha ha, real mature," came the muffled statement from below the vehicle.


	22. Imposter

**Tuesday October 6th: Week 5, Day 22**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf greeted. It was his version of a greeting at least. "Why isn't Mario crying?"

"When you entered the room you impaled him with the Gerudo flag," Link pointed out, pointing at the impaled Mario.

"Pain, so much pain," Mario gasped.

"You think that's pain? Try being stabbed in the face twice and through the chest once," Ganondorf said. "Link, your sword was too sharp so I dulled it." He handed Link his sword, which had had its edges dulled to curves.

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Guilty as charged. Mewtwo, today crappy day for you to watch," Ganondorf told his apprentice. "Today first day the class go under different teacher, Samus teach them today."

"PAR-TAY!" Marth screamed, throwing streamers into the air. Ganondorf tried to impale him on his light-blade.

"Yes yes, I know you'll miss my methods," Ganondorf said. "But alas, today, I shall not be the one to improve your lives so- PIKACHU, PUT AWAY THAT CHOCOLATE!" He began throwing balls of fire at the Pokemon.

-A bit later-

"Okay, as you know, I'm Samus," Samus said, standing at the front of the class. "Everyone I have ever cared for is dead, my family was brutally slaughtered in front of me, and I've been the target of multiple murder attempts. So I'm here to make your life a living hell."

They all stared wide eyed at her.

"Kidding, man, Ganondorf has REALLY screwed you up!"

"Literally, he drove a screw into my head yesterday!" Mario pointed out.

"Well, I'm here to teach you how to use the items," Samus said before hands reached out of the closet and pulled her in. There were multiple punching noises and the sound of someone being hit against a wall. After a moment, 'Samus' walked out. There were multiple gaps in the armour where black armour or green skin could be seen, the armour seemed much to small for the muscular frame.

"Ignore that, I have strange urges to hide in closet," the Russian voice said from the helmet. "Man, the crotch area in this armour is WAY too small. Chest armour is surprisingly roomy though…"

"Oh please no…" Mario muttered.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" 'Samus' screamed, reaching for a sword but unable to grab it. "FUCK, how the hell am I supposed to hurt him if I have a gun for a hand?!"

Bowser was about to say something but Mario elbowed him. HARD.

"Okay, I teach items do you because retarded people in charge think the magnificent, all-knowing Ganondorf isn't qualified to do it," 'Samus' said. "This is a party ball, hit it and things come out. MARIO, HIT IT!"

Mario tapped the party ball and bob-ombs fell out, covering his desk.

"Ah, those are powerful explosives! This is a beam sword, it can be used to physically harm…" Ness was impaled through the face. "…or can be thrown." 'Samus' threw the sword at the bob-ombs, incinerating Mario. "Everyone choose one item and PRACTICE ON EACH OTHER! NOW!"

'Samus' observed them all as they went to grab items. "NO, that item USELESS! Choose another."

"But it can heal me!" Luigi complained.

"So can me TEARING OUT YOUR INTESTINES!" 'She' punched Luigi hard in the face. "Maybe this gun _is_ useful for something!"

"Oh my Ho-oh," Mewtwo muttered, putting his forehead in his hand.

"Here!" 'Samus' handed Pichu a crate. "Do 200 laps around field! And don't drop it…" A menacing aura surrounded the teacher. "Should you drop it, you will regret being born…"

"I regret everything…" Pichu whimpered.

Instead of responding 'Samus' tried to Warlock Punch Pichu. They all began doing their duties, with 'Samus' criticizing everything. "Link, lift with your back, not your legs! Giga Bowser, swing at that ape's head like you mean it! Peach, you're way too weak, here, have some steroids."

Before she could protest, a needle was stuck into her shoulder and injected. "Did you _have_ to do that? I don't feel any different, are you sure-" She was interrupted by bulking up to look like she was made of muscles, and growing a beard. "Oh shit," Peach said in an extremely deep voice. The class all stared. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU WHORES LOOKING AT?" Peach grabbed Jigglypuff and stretched him until he was as thin as a thread. "RRRAAAAAAGGGHHHHHH!" Peach burst through the wall, rampaging outside.

"Well Pichu sure is running faster!" 'Samus' pointed out enthusiastically as the crate carrying mouse ran from the muscular Peach. "Okay, get back-" 'Samus' suddenly shot a Super Missile which obliterated half the room. "Holy shit, how the hell did I do that?!"

"Ooooooo aaaaaaah oooooooooooooooooooooooooo…" (Soooooo muuuuch paaaaaaaaaaaaaaain…) Donkey Kong moaned.

"Please… kill me…" Jigglypuff muttered. 'Samus' took out a flaming chainsaw.

"MEWTWO, lesson t- one… from Samus, if they say you can do something, even sarcastically, TAKE FULL ADVANTAGE OF THE SITUATION!" 'She' slaughtered Jigglypuff with the chainsaw. "I love this job."

"Never thought I'd hear you say you love something," Marth stated dully.

"I SAMUS, NOT GANONDORF!" 'Samus' screamed, shooting Marth with the taser-crossbow. "WHY IS EVERYONE DEAD?"

"Only 8 of us survived the explosion," Pikachu snapped. "Geez, use your eyes, you have them for a reason!"

"ZELDA!"

"She died too, Giga Bowser went through a wall and crushed her to a pancake."

Giga Bowser walked through a large hole, rubbing his back. "Ew, she's all sticky, someone peel her off!"

"Oh shit, what am I gonna do? I better hide bodies. But where…"

Dr. Mario jumped in. "I can revive everyone!" he exclaimed. He got a face full of super missile for that.

"Okay, I-" 'Samus' suddenly curled into Morphball mode. "OW! FUCKING SON OF A COCK–EATING MONKEY ASS!"

Samus, without her suit, walked out of the closet, throwing a broken rope to the ground. "Oh yeah, _that's_ why I made the remote control Morphball!"

'Samus' threw off the armour to reveal Ganondorf. "Fuck, that was the most agonizing thing I've ever experienced. You can have the class, but beware, I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE!"

"No you don't, I moved."

"Bitch…"

"And proud of it!"

"Is it just me or are Zelda and Samus the only ones who talk back to Ganondorf without being wounded?" Kirby asked.

"NO QUESTIONS! And Crazy Hand talk back too, Bowser okay as well."

"Bowser is not okay, he is dead like the majority of others," Game & Watch analyzed. He was silenced with a super missile.

"Thank you," Ganondorf said, handing the launcher back to Samus.

It was silent for a moment until Young Link broke it. "Holy shit, that was actually Ganondorf?!"


	23. That's New

**_Wednesday October 7th: Week 5, Day 23_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" a recording of Ganondorf screamed, spit flying from the speaker.

Mario started crying.

"Where's Ganondorf?" and injured Bowser asked. He was, like most others, still sore from the super missile incident the previous day.

"When I last saw him he was trying to hide all your bodies," Pikachu said.

"How much do you want to bet he's trying to make us think we're safe then jump out?" Link asked. "He did that at my home once."

The door opened (everyone prepared for the worst) and in walked... Pit. "Hi! I'm new, I'm gonna be a fighter in Brawl!" he exclaimed. "It's been so long since I've been in a game!" He sat beside Link.

"Welcome to hell," Link said.

Pit glanced around nervously. "Anyone want to change seats?"

The door was blown down and Captain Falcon leaped into the room. "Hi guy! I'm your substitute teacher, isn't that AWESOME?!" he exclaimed, posing. "Who's ready to take things to the extreme and work like mad?!"

"First a psychotic killer and now an enthusiastic retard," Mewtwo muttered.

"He doesn't seem too bad," Pit stated.

"What happened to Ganondorf?" Kirby asked. "AH! I asked a question! DON'T KILL ME!"

"Relax! Chill! Ganondorf was sent to jail for MASS MURDER! He'll be out in THREE YEARS!"

-In jail-

"This crappy cell won't hold me overnight, I'm leaving."

-In class-

"I'm glad today was the day I came," Pit muttered.

"Okay, who's ready to start the day with a light warm up?" Captain Falcon exclaimed. "Let's do 50 laps, it's easy!"

"We're still injured though," Bowser moaned.

"I'm more of meant for flying then running," Pit said.

"Nonsense! It's easy! C'mon!"

-20 minutes later-

"This guy is worse then Ganondorf!" Marth panted, ready to die. After the 50 laps, they had to do 100 one hand push-ups, and now 500 cartwheels!

"I hate life," Pit gasped.

"Just be glad both aren't here," Roy said.

_ROY! KILL KIRBY!_

"Okay Royandolf!" Roy cut Kirby in half. Everyone stared at him, horrified. "What? The voice inside my head told me to kill him."

The stared for a few more moments. "I don't want to be in Brawl anymore…" the angel muttered.

"WANT ME TO KILL YOU YA DOUCHE?" the steroid induced Peach threatened.

"Why is everyone so screwed up?" Pit whimpered.

-Mario and Falcon-

"This guy… is… AMAZING!" Mario yelled, hugging Captain Falcon's leg.

"Hey, that's… kinda creepy…" Captain Falcon said, shaking him off. "You're enthusiastic, and that's AWESOME! Let's do 70 laps, backwards, only using our left leg!"

"Sweet!"

"No, AWESOME!"

"Great!"

"**AWESOME**."

"Okay, awesome…"

-Back with the others-

"Roy, I think we need to deal with the voice in your head," Marth told him.

"_How do you know of Royandolf?!_"

"Well, you're not being very subtle, and you talk about him all the time," Link popped in.

"The three of us think it's Ganondorf," Jigglypuff said. "Well, all of us do, we're the ones who are trying to solve the problem."

_Tell the pink puffball to go eat itself, GANOND- I mean ROYANDOLF IS THE GREATEST!_

"Go eat yourself you pink puffball, Royandolf is the greatest!" Roy snapped.

-Mario and Falcon-

"This is the greatest day of my life," Mario said as he hopped backwards. "You are the greatest person alive!"

"That's the spirit! Let's spice things up and do this while spinning and reciting the Lord of the Rings trilogy!" He pulled out a large book.

"I think I'm in love…"

"Moving back into the creepy zone."

"Philosophical love! Do I have to explain everything?!"

"It would be AWESOME if you did."

-Others-

"Roy, put down the Pokéball!"

"Lay down your weapons or I'll throw it ass-wipes!" Roy threatened, left eye twitching. Marth dropped his sword, Jigglypuff dropped his sniper rifle, Link dropped his sword, shield, bow, boomerang, bombs, hookshot…

"Link, you have three seconds!"

"I'm trying!" Link dropped half his masks, then the Lens of Truth…

"Time's up!" Roy threw the Pokéball and Lugia burst out.

"Oh shit," Marth muttered before they were all his with an Aeroblast.

'Damn, that felt good,' Lugia thought.

_Good job, Ga- Royandolf is proud of you… Now kill Falcon, he is a clone of great Ganondorf!_

"I thought Ganon was the clone…"

_LIES! LIES **LIIIIIIEEEEEES!**_

-Falcon and Mario-

"That was invigorating!" Captian Falcon exclaimed. "Now for 16 000 000 AWESOME sit-ups!" He jumped on the floor. "Onetwothreefourfivesixseveneightnineten…"

"You must die, Royandolf told me to!" Roy screamed.

"…onehundredfortythreeonehundredfortyfour- Huh?" Roy tried to kill Captain Falcon who jumped out of the way. "Show me ya moves!" Captain Falcon said, signaling for Roy to come forward. Roy took a step. "FALCON…"

-13 milliseconds later-

Roy was a bloody pulp on the ground, twitching. Mario stared in awe. "You could destroy Ganondorf for me!"

"Can't do buddy, he's a clone of me, it would be like fighting my AWESOME flesh and AWESOME blood."

"Um, I don't think that's what it means by clone…"

Blood Falcon leaped into the area. "Falcon, I-" He was Falcon Punched.

"Ass," Captain Falcon muttered.

The group went inside, Roy being forcibly restrained and Link, Marth and Jigglypuff sent to Zelda. Roy was foaming at the mouth, snapping at Falcon, so they put him at the back where no one would pay attention to him.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Roy screamed.

"I will FALCON… PUUUUUUNCH you if you don't shut up."

"I'llbegoodI'llbegoodI'llbegood!"

Falcon nodded. "AWESOME! Now let's have an AWESOME HISTORY LESSON!"

"Um, how will this history and geography help us fight better?" Kirby asked. "SHIT, A QUESTION! Oh right, you aren't Ganondorf…" The steroid induced Peach crushed him.

"Here's a history of MUSHROOM KINGDOM! 50 years ago, a Space Pirate and a Goron had AWESOME sex and bred the first Goomba. They created a bunch of other Goombas and eventually a bunch of turtle people went there for safety. The turtles and the Goombas had AWESOME sex and made Toads. Giga Bowser's AWESOME brother had AWESOME sex with an AWESOME mushroom and made Bowser. Giga Bowser and an AWESOME Toadette had AWESOME sex and made Peach out of that. Bowser and Daisy had sex AWESOME after that and made AWESOME Mario and Luigi. Peach killed thousands to get the AWESOME position of princess and that's Mushroom Kingdom!"

Everyone was staring at him. Someone started crying in the background.

"So let me get this straight: A successful empire is built upon sex and crossbreeding," Link summarized.

"Yeah, and you can make one at home! All you need is this kit!" Falcon pulled out an orange briefcase.

"Um, please, PLEASE tell us what's in there before you open it up," Pit said.

"Hey, why's he here, you weren't in Melee!" Mewtwo demanded.

"I'm here for Brawl."

"WHAT THE HELL IS BRAWL?"

"The new Smash Bros game," Pit explained.

"**WHAT? THERE'S A NEW ONE?! WHY WASN'T I INVITED?!**" Mewtwo's psychic powers were killing half the room.

"T-they sent aut an eh-meh!" Link choked out through Mewtwo's psychic powers.

"What my retarded younger self means is Sakurai sent out an e-mail, you should have gotten it, you were original after all," Young Link explained from the back of the room.

"I don't have a computer though!"

"Your loss I suppose."

Mewtwo stormed out, leaving Captain Falcon holding the kit again. "This kit will help you make your own empire through the previously mentioned method for only four payments of 16.99! I repeat: four payments of 16.99! Wow, what a deal! Just send your check to-"

"Shut up and tell us!" Pikachu growled.

"Well it holds AWESOME crap that helps with mass breeding!"

"Wow, I thought he was joking," Fox muttered.

"Can I have it? PLEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAASE?" Popo begged.

"Do you even know what breeding is?" Bowser asked.

"It has to do with gardens!" Nana popped in.

"Well, it _could_," Bowser muttered. "If that's what's in your taste… You see, breeding is…"

-2 minutes later-

Popo and Nana were sitting in opposite corners of the room, pale white, shaking and muttering nonsensical gibberish. "Happiness will break the sunglasses…"

"The lobster can find your musical ice cube…"

Bowser was mighty proud of himself.

Captain Falcon opened the kit, allowing them all to see.

"Why's there a hammer?" Mario asked.

"Why wouldn't there be a hammer?"

"Is there supposed to be an orange in there?" Pichu asked.

"The orange in an AWESOME necessity!"

"What's the 10 bill for?" Jigglypuff asked.

"That's for my lunch, I keep it in here because no one will open it."

"Did you assemble this yourself?" Marth asked.

"Of course! It's what I think will help others have AWESOME sex!" They all began to seriously doubt his experience.

"Is this a history lesson or a sex lesson?" Roy demanded from the back of the room. "Can you let me out? I promise to be good!"

_WHAT?!_

"That was the lie… Saying that just screwed my plan up, didn't it?"

_Yup!_

"You planned that, didn't you?"

_Dur!_

"This is boring," Captain Falcon said. "Let's do a bunch of AWESOME exercises! In fact, more laps!"

"Enough with the laps!" Pikachu yelled before his head was removed by Roy, who began to attack the students, killing Mario next with his B attack.

"Okay, who tied the rope?" Giga Bowser asked from the sidelines.

"I made an AWESOME bow to keep it tied!" Falcon exclaimed.

"That explains it."


	24. FALCONBALL!

**_Thursday October 8th: Week 5, Day 24_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" the Ganondorf recording yelled.

"Can't you turn that thing off?" Link asked.

"I've tried, it was programmed AWESOMEly and nothing I do will seem to stop it," Captain Falcon said as he examined the recording device. "Hmm, there's an AWESOME button!" He pressed it.

"CLASS IS IN SESSION! CLASS IS IN SESSION! CLASS IS IN SESSION! CLASS IS IN SESSION!" This continued to repeat. Pikachu picked it up and threw it out the window, which they had learned to open.

"And now we won't hear those words again for 3 years!" Pikachu proclaimed.

-Jail-

Ganondorf walked out of the hole in the wall, brushing the dust off of himself. All the guards were incapacitated due to the explosion. "Should I go and see them to crush their dreams? Nah, I'll give them a day to get even happier, then BAM! Meanwhile…"

-Class-

_ROY, punch someone in the head._

"Okay!" Roy punched Yoshi. HARD.

"Everyone hates Yoshi, Yoshi…" the green lizard thing muttered.

"So what shall we do next Grand Lord Falcon?" Mario asked.

"Getting creepy, seriously," Captain Falcon told the plumber. "Okay, Ganondorf left AWESOME notes, and said to play something called Ganonball. It sounds AWESOME…"

Everyone feared for their lives except Pit, Fox and Mewtwo.

"…but I lost the instructions. So I invented something called FALCONBALL!"

"Does that mean it will be fair?" Pichu asked.

"Yes, of course! However, I suck at making AWESOME rules, so one of you will make the rules, 'kay?"

Roy was up at the front in a heartbeat. "I shall do it!" he proclaimed, and Falcon agreed, commenting on how awesome such enthusiasm was. Everyone else was horrified as Roy wrote his rules.

**FALCONBALL RULES:  
**RULE 1 – To get someone out, Roy must strike them with a flare blade.  
RULE 2 – YOU CANNOT GET ROY OUT!  
RULE 3 – If you _try_ to get Roy out, you will suffer one of two consequences:  
Man: Roy will castrate you  
Woman: He will… um… DE-ovarate you! Yeah!  
RULE 4 – Mario is out the moment he moves  
RULE 5 – Roy can make up rules in the middle of play  
RULE 6 – Little Nicky is awesome!  
RULE 7 – If Roy says you're out, you're out!  
If you break any of these rules, Roy will refer to RULE 3

"Hmm, well I can't see anything wrong, those rules are AWESOME!" Captain Falcon proclaimed. "To the AWESOME gym!"

"Those rules seem very familiar," Young Link pointed out.

"No, I made them up on the spot!" Roy said unconvincingly.

"Oh, okay!" Young Link accepted this as the truth. Link leaned over to Luigi.

"I can't believe I was so naïve at that age…"

"Well the proof is there. You were a naïve retard."

"I can cut you."

They all entered the gym. "Team time!" Captain Falcon exclaimed. "Team one: ROY! Team 2: Everyone else!"

Mewtwo stood beside Falcon. "This I gotta see…"

"RRRAAAGGGHHH!" Roy struck Pichu with a Flare Blade, incinerating him. He began to attack everyone else. "COME ON BITCHES, SHOW ME YA MOVES!" He was suddenly Falcon Punched in the chest, nearly killing him.

"You dare to speak the sacred words!" Captain Falcon hissed, picking him up by his collar. "I shall smite thee with the might of ten thousand livid hippos!"

"Ack…" Roy grunted. "Ah, um, USING RULE 5! Captain Falcon must eat 6000 hamburgers!" The racer suddenly dropped Roy and ran out, yelling how he would eat them all while doing 16 000 jumping jacks.

"That was different," Fox said from the sidelines.

"Indeed," Mewtwo agreed before going back to the slaughter. "Wow, that had to hurt."

"Yeah, I never knew a sword could be used for that!"

"Ooo, did he just…?"

"Yeah, I think so!"

Roy finished. "And that's how to make pizza!" he exclaimed. They stared, as he was standing in a pile of corpses. Giga Bowser punched him in the head. "RULE 3!" Giga Bowser punched him again. "Okay, you win!" He was punched once more.

Captain Falcon ran in. "I have performed the task! Now…" He grabbed Roy from the floor. "Thy must suffer for ye insolence, and shall pay with a fate that is by far more horrible than death."

"I'll pay you 23 dollars to not hurt me."

"AWESOME offer, but I decline."

"43?"

"AWESOME offer, but I decline. However, I'll take the money anyway."

Fox had a vibration in his pocket. He picked up his cell phone. "I just got a text message from Ganondorf," he said before pausing. "How did he get my number?"

"I sold it to him for 7 bucks, not to mention your credit card number," Mewtwo explained. "Oh, and your credit card."

"WHAT?! I would've given you 10 dollars to _not_ do that!"

"Who needs dollars when you have deer?" Mewtwo whistled and 7 deer came through one of the doors. "Meet Oliver, Albert, Pablo, Captain Sparrow, Rayquaza, James, Mogenar, and Colonel Fredrico."

Fox counted the 7 deer and then the names. "Why'd you say ei-"

Rayquaza broke the door off its hinges and slithered in. "Damn these doors, they're too low!" Fox understood now. He then checked the message that Ganondorf sent.

"He says: 'Save Roy or face teh consequences.' Teh?" Fox got another message. "'Dammit, typo in that last 1 lol.' That explains it."

The phone suddenly floated out of his hand and into Mewtwo's. "Hmm, what should I write…? AH-HA!" he exclaimed, snapping his fingers. He put something in and sent it before Fox snatched it out of his hands.

"'Go suck a dick, lmfao noob'?! ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ME KILLED?! Wait, Ganondorf replied, that sure was quick. 'Punch Mewtwo now, then save Roy!' Sounds reasonable to me!"

Fox nailed Mewtwo in the chin, sending him upwards where he knocked his head off the rafters and crashed toward the ground. "Damn, I couldn't have waited for Brawl. Nooooo, I had to apply for the last spot open as a lightweight…" The Pokémon lost consciousness.

Rayquaza moved over to Fox. "So what's it like here anyway?" he asked. "After all, I might get accepted."

Fox looked at the leviathan which was beside him. "_You_ applied for Brawl? Don't you think you're a wee bit big?"

"No, stupid… I'm applying as a boss for the new adventure mode. It would keep me away from that trainer that keeps striving to catch me and use me like a bird is used in cock-fighting," Rayquaza explained.

"That was a lovely metaphor…"

"Well it's true!"

-In Johto-

"Come on Ho-oh, slaughter that Pidgey you pussy!" Pokémon Trainer ordered. Ho-oh staggered up from its pool of blood.

'It's level 100 and I'm level 42!' Ho-oh thought. 'Peck took out three quarters of my health!'

"Use Sacred Fire!" Ho-oh did that, but it barely did anything.

'Fuck this, time for mutiny.' It turned around and attacked the trainer.

-In the gym-

Roy's broken and bleeding body was thrown into the wall beside the two where it slowly slid down until it hit the ground. Roy moaned in agony. "Oh yeah, I was supposed to save him wasn't I Mewtwo?"

Mewtwo lay on the floor, still.

Fox got another message. "'Ass'. Well boo-hoo, poor you." He sent that to Ganondorf. Suddenly 6 deer leaped in front of them, running out of the gym. Fox and Rayquaza were confused.

"Why are the deer fleeing?" Rayquaza asked.

"Why were there only 6? Where's Mogenar?"

They turned and saw Samus, shaking with uncontainable rage, standing over the corpse of Mogenar. "NEVER… AGAIN…" They moved a bit away.


	25. Falcon Punch vs Warlock Punch

_**Friday October 9th: Week 5, Day 25**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" the Ganondorf recording screamed. They all pondered on how it got back in there.

"Seriously, where is Mogenar? I know that you were there!" Mewtwo demanded.

"I keep telling you, one minute your deer were there and the next moment everyone was gone, I saw nothing!" Fox defended.

"Then what was with the blood smears?"

"That was… Rayquaza's…"

Mario was looking at his watch, counting down the time until Captain Falcon entered the room. "Three… two… one…" The door burst open and Mario leaped, hugging the man's leg. "You're back!"

"Relinquish my leg otherwise I will ANNIHILATE you."

Mario screamed and ran back as Ganondorf used his now free leg to walk over to his desk. "B-but you're supposed to be in jail!"

Ganondorf snorted. "Only thing keeping me out were two heavily fortified stone walls and 500 armed guards, 30 of which were snipers. It easy as killing you!" Ganondorf pulled out a few sheets of paper. "Let's see, my schedule today is GANONBALL! Who wants to do something else?"

"It would make me feel better if we did," Ness said.

"YOU QUESTION MY DECISION YOU INSOLENT DICK-EATER?! DIE, DIE HORRIBLY AND EXCTUCIATINGLY PAINFULLY!" He used the sheets of paper to paper cut Ness to death.

"You're using a lot of big words now, did you _finally_ learn English?" Marth questioned.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf shot lightning from his fingers, but Marth ducked and it hit Kirby who imploded and burst, sending flames everywhere. "And I read dictionary while bored."

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT THING?" Marth screamed.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf shot lightning from his fingers, and once again Marth ducked, this time killing Pikachu. "Hmm, Peach is low on steroids, she seems to have returned to normal. I cannot allow this!"

"Wait, I'm okay though!" Peach defended but Ganondorf injected her. "Damn you, you glass eating whore!"

The door burst open and Captain Falcon dashed in. "Sorry about being late, my AWESOME car wouldn't work, someone filled the AWESOME gas tank with C4 which would explode once what the hell is Ganondorf doing here?"

-Office-

"WellIspentplentyoftimelookingoveryourresumeandcheckeditrepeatedly. AfterplentyofthinkingIeventuallycametotheconclusionthatyou'rereadytobeabossinBrawl. WelcometotheteamRayquaza,we'llgetsomeonetoteachyouabitmoreeventually."

Rayquaza stared at the hand sitting behind a desk. "Could you repeat that last everything?" he asked. Master Hand shoved Crazy Hand out of his chair.

"Sorry about that," he said, sitting down and putting on reading glasses. Yeah, you read right.

"Do you seriously need glasses?"

"Nah, they make me look sophisticated! However, I'm forced to tell you that we don't quite think you're ready to be a boss." He looked and saw that Crazy Hand had already signed his papers as acceptance. "Fuck it! I'm too lazy to go through the crap to change this so you're in."

"Sweet, go technicalities!"

-Class-

"Shouldn't you go back to the AWESOME jail Ganondorf?"

"Just go back Ganon," Mario said.

"DID YOU JUST ORDER ME?" He was inches from Mario's face with a sword in the plumber's throat. "The only ones who can order me are Captain Crunch and ROB, and I don't believe that I'll be seeing them anytime soon!"

"That's great Ganondorf, kill more people, that will keep you out of jail," Marth said, clapping sarcastically. He ducked under another beam of lightning. "Can't you shoot that at someone else for once?"

"Sure!" Ganondorf shot it at Bowser who ducked, making it hit a mirror and bounce toward Marth. The swordsman leaped out of his desk as it imploded. Ganondorf blew his smoking finger like a gun.

"Ganondorf," Captain Falcon began, "due to the fact that you're a wanted felon I hold it in my AWESOME duty to take you back to jail where you can AWESOMEly serve out your AWESOME sentence. I can take you back easily or by AWESOME force."

"YES!" Ganondorf screamed, holding a Gameboy Colour. "8 years… it took 8 year, but I have finally caught Mewtwo! Time to transfer it up to my newer game so I can show this bitch off!"

"I resent being called a bitch," Mewtwo growled.

"Dude, you're like, the strongest Pokémon EVER, who fucking cares?"

"Ganondorf! I challenge you to a VS MATCH!" Everyone froze, as Ganondorf turned to look at the man. He began laughing.

"I accept! NO ITEMS, FOX ONLY, FINAL DESTINATION!"

Fox nudged Ganondorf. "It doesn't work like that. You have to actually fight him," he said.

"Okay. In that case, ALL ITEMS, ANY CHARACTER, BRINSTAR DEPTHS!"

-Brinstar Depths-

Kraid roared behind the arena. "YAY! I make floor go spin!" he roared, hitting the platform.

Everyone was on a floating platform off on the sidelines. "Been a while since I've been here," Samus said. When asked by Kirby, who was later punished by Ganon, what she was doing, she answered, "I want to see Ganondorf get owned. Plus I'm holding a bet, gotta get money somehow! COME ONE, COME ALL! SEE THE OWNING OF THE CENTURY, GANONDORF OF THE GERUDO VARIETY VS. CAPTAIN FALCON OF THE RACER VARIETY! WHO WILL WIN? FIND OUT, PLACE YOUR BETS!"

Ridley flew up and landed with them. "What are you doing here?" Link asked.

"NO QUESTIONS!" He was thrown off the platform into the lava by Ganondorf.

"Babysitting Kraid, ever since Samus shot him in the head with that super missile he's had the mentality of a four year old." Samus was glaring at him. "Oh, hi Samus!" She continued glaring. "Still not over the whole 'killed your parents as well as everyone you've ever cared for', huh?" His response was a glare.

"Let's get busy!" Ganondorf and Falcon jumped into the arena and began attacking each other.

"I bet on Captain Falcon!" the revived Mario said, eating a sandwich. "If he loses I'm fucked, so money means nothing. My life is nothing more then a pitiful attempt at living in a world where only those who cause suffering and agony rule." He continued eating.

Marth was reluctant to eat the sandwich he bought after that.

"Looks like Ganondorf's taking a beating," Mewtwo said.

"YES!" Mario cheered.

"I agree, he's- Oh, he just nailed Falcon!" Fox commented. "Looks like a comeback to me."

"NO!"

"Wait, Falcon's dodging him a lot now."

"YES!"

"Now Ganondorf's kneeing him in the face… repeatedly…"

"NO!"

"Falcon broke out and is regrouping. Looks like he's got a homerun bat!"

"YES!"

"Ganondorf's hitting him with his own fist."

"NO!"

"Stop that you three shit-sucking douchebags!" the steroid induced Peach screamed.

"You are an AWESOME foe!" Captain Falcon said.

"And you're an ass who's standing right where Kraid's about to hit." Captain Falcon dove out of the way as Kraid made the arena spin. "STAGE LESSON ONE CLASS, never leave boundaries or you'll get injured severely like this retard!" Ganondorf explained to the class.

"So what do we do while we watch?" Bowser asked. "Wait, I got an idea, let's throw things at Kraid to make him screw up!"

"Bad idea," Ridley said. "You'll end up killing all of us!"

"Let's start with this guy."

"Wait, what?!" They tied Ridley with rope and Giga Bowser picked him up. "BAD BAD BAD IDE- Wait, you people are gonna suffer, why am I complaining?" he asked himself. "Launch away!"

"That's the spirit!" Giga Bowser said before throwing him at Kraid just before he hit the stage. Ridley hit the monster in the face, knocking him off balance and making his fist hit their platform, knocking it over.

"I REGRET NOTHING!" Marth screamed.

"Bullshit, you told me this morning that you regret everything!" Roy snapped.

Marth began strangling them as they fell. High above, Peach was floating with her umbrella. "Take that whores, I WIN!"

Ridley flew by. "Until you steadily lower into the lava. Yeah, I play Melee." Ridley grabbed Peach's umbrella and ate it, resulting in her falling to her death like everyone else. "Tastes like cinnamon, weird…"

-With Captain Falcon and Ganondorf-

"We shall end this with one AWESOME blow!"

"You're on bitch! WARLOCK…"

"FALCON…"

"_PUNCH!_"

The universe was destroyed upon collision.

-In a far away dimension-

"Sir, you know the universe that you liked the best?" a Primid asked its leader.

"Oh yeah, that place is sweet! Its ice cream ain't that bad either," Tabuu said.

"It got destroyed."

"WHAT? But I haven't even starred in a video game yet!" Tabuu panicked. "I know, I'll show those bitches, time to rebuild, then I can star in a game because they'll owe me!"

"Why don't you just _make_ a universe where you _already_ have a video game?" the Primid asked.

"An excellent point," Tabuu said, spreading his wings.

"You're about to obliterate me, aren't you?"

"Indeed I am." The Primid sighed, shaking its head. The Red Rings of Death quickly destroyed it.


	26. Round 1

Woah, this one's long...

* * *

_**Monday October 10th: Week 6, Day 26**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, eye twitching wildly.

Mario opened his mouth but his head was on the ground before a sound came out. "FUCK YOU!" Ganondorf roared, shaking with uncontrollable rage. "ANYONE ELSE?!" They all shook their heads. "GOOD!"

"AS YOU FUCKERS KNOW, WE ALL DIED ON FRIDAY! Then some celestial being repaired the universe and is now the final boss in Brawl's adventure mode. But if any of you say ONE… FUCKING… WORD… you will DIE today, and Zelda with have no possible way to bring you back, GOT IT?!"

"Why are you angry?" Mewtwo asked before teleporting out of the way of the incoming sword.

"Damn you and your teleporting powers!" Ganondorf growled. "Brawl got delayed, and it's all because of a 3rd party character! I hate them all so much!" He took out a pill and ate it. "Okay, I should have calmed down to normal now."

"That's good," Marth said before dodging the sword which was thrown at him. "I thought you were norm- This is your normal, isn't it?" Ganondorf smiled widely and nodded.

"Yes, I… see… pretty… things… Did I take the right pill?" He looked at the bottle. "'High pills, pills that make you act like you're high even though you aren't'. Lovely…" Ganondorf staggered over to the door. "Hey, mushroom head is in charge while I go see that doctor in the dress."

"You mean Zelda?" Kirby asked.

"No, the other one."

"It's a long lab coat!" Dr. Mario yelled from the nurse's office.

"Now listen to Toad. He's… he's a mushroom, not a frog… Oh great, my legs just fell off." Ganondorf collapsed and began to crawl to the nurse's office.

Toad stood on top of Ganondorf's desk. "Okay, I'm in charge until Ganondorf has dealt with his problem. Peach no longer needs me, being a Pikachu clone, so I'm free!"

"So what are you supposed-"

"SILENCE!" Toad screamed at Marth. He took off his hat and grabbed the AK-47 inside of it. "I shoot you if you speak out of turn!"

"Wait, that's a hat?" Kirby turned into a rock to avoid the bullets.

-Nurse's office-

Zelda was reading Hyrule Weekly as she sat at her desk, legs on it. There was an interesting article about a marriage between a Zora and a Gerudo, the child was a Goron…

Ganondorf set it on fire as he staggered into the room. "Dr. Mario's being a douche, so can you help? I can't even see straight!"

Zelda looked behind him. "That's not Dr. Mario, that's a hippopotamus."

"Same thing Helga! Now are you gonna help or n- Woah, the room's spinning, cut it out!"

-Class-

"Okay, time to establish some rules," Toad said as he reloaded. Most of the class was cowering in the corner while the Bowsers hid in their shells. Toad threw a grenade inside of Giga's. "Rule 1: Talk out of turn, I SHOOT YOU! Rule 2: Move when I don't tell you to, I SHOOT YOU! Rule 3: You eat when I don't tell you to, I SHOOT YOU!"

The door burst open and Toad openly fired. When he stopped Diddy Kong was now lying dead on the floor.

"AAHHHH! Ooo, ah ooo…" (DIDDY! Wait, I detest him…)

-Nurse's office-

Ganondorf was finally healed. "Hey Zelda, can you help me with something?" Ganondorf asked, taking out a video camera.

"I feel as though I'll regret this, but when do you need help with?"

-Class-

"Let's kill Toad," a wounded Giga Bowser growled.

"How? He has a gun!" Roy pointed out.

"And you have a spammable counter!" Giga Bowser reminded him.

Roy ran at Toad, swinging his sword. When Toad shot at him, he spammed counter a LOT. He was completely uninjured.

"SHIT!" Toad screamed, taking a rocket launcher out of his hat.

"Oh fuck," was all Roy could say before it shot. He countered and the missile blew up Toad. "Wow, it _is _easily spammed!"

Ganondorf burst into the room. "Zelda got the pill out of my system, so I'm PISSED AT THE DELAY AGAIN! SIT DOWN OR I'LL DISMEMBER YOU WITH A WIIMOTE! Why the hell is Diddy lying on the floor?"

"Toad," Jigglypuff answered.

"DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK?!" Ganondorf dismembered him with a Wiimote. Everyone merely stared. "Okay, we're having a Melee tournament, all 27 of you will be competing. THE WINNER FACES ME! Any objections?" Ganondorf asked in a sweet voice which promised unimaginable pain to those who spoke.

"27?" Game & Watch asked robotically.

"Yes, the 24 normal Melee fighters, MINUS ME, Giga Bowser, and then Master and Crazy Hand!"

"Woohoo, I get to sit it out!" Pit yelled, pumping his fist.

"Actually, you train with ME while this happens. **CONTINUOUSLY**." Ganondorf took out a large sheet of paper. "PICHU, ICE CLIMBERS, HANG IT UP! You two are short, it shouldn't be a problem!"

As they struggled, Ganondorf explained the rules. "It will be today, tomorrow, and the finals will be Friday."

"Why-" Kirby was forever silenced by a Wiimote, at least until Zelda heals him.

The sheet was finally up. "YOU TOOK TOO LONG!" Ganondorf kicked all three of them. "Those are match ups, CHECK YOURS!"

They all looked at them. "'Giga Bowser vs Jigglypuff'? I don't like this!" Jigglypuff muttered.

"I have to fight Fox?" Pikachu asked no one.

"ARE YOU RETARDED? It says you do, so OBVIOUSLY!" Ganondorf punched Pikachu into the fish tank where he was attacked by multiple Cheep Cheeps.

Diddy Kong suddenly ran into the room. "He's healed," Zelda said. "And if anyone else kills him, I'll-" Diddy died. "Okay, Ganondorf, do you want me to cut your spinal column?"

"I didn't do it!"

Zelda checked him over. "It appears that his brain just combusted…"

"Oh, by the way, Zelda, you have to battle Yoshi."

Yoshi looked up only to be hit with a fist.

"Ganondorf, why did you just punch Yoshi?" Link asked, actually confused for once.

"HE WAS MOCKING ME!" Ganondorf screamed defensively. "Okay, first match is DONKEY KONG VS LUIGI, BRINSTAR DEPTHS!"

"You love Brinstar Depths, don't you?" Pikachu questioned, only for Ganondorf to grin widely and nod.

-Brinstar Depths-

DK beat Luigi badly. "LINK VS MEWTWO!"

The two combatants got on the arena and Ganondorf slipped Kraid a fifty dollar bill. Kraid clapped in happiness and grabbed the battlefield, spinning it wildly. The two were hanging on for dear life, Link with his hookshot and Mewtwo with his hands, legs and tail. Link took out his sword and began trying to hit Mewtwo, so Mewtwo used his powers to make Link spin even more until the Hero of Time fell off.

"And we HAVE A WINNER! Alright, Falco vs Link!"

"Wait, Link just fought!" Fox said.

"I'm not very consistent. NOW ATTACK EACH OTHER!"

Fox sighed, shaking his head. "We never brought Falco."

"Well it looks like I have to stay consistent then, damn… JIGGLY VS GIGA, now let's go to Fourside and knock people off skyscrapers!"

-Fourside-

"Uh, Ganondorf?"

"Yes Giga?"

"I'm having a bit of trouble here…" He was grabbing onto the side of the building, slowly sliding down as none of them were big enough.

"Then kill Jigglypuff quickly!" Ganondorf said, but Giga Bowser was hit with a rest, sending him flying.

"IT'S ON!" Giga Bowser screamed, grabbing Ganondorf's taser-crossbow. He hit Jigglypuff with it, stepped on him and used a cricket hammer to launch him into the distance. Everyone merely stared.

"Did you and Ganondorf eat the same cereal today?" Marth asked him.

"No but he stole my Klondike Bar!" Ganondorf growled. "I'd kill my mother for that thing!"

"You have 2 mothers!" Bowser told him.

"Exactly, I'll have 2 Klondike Bars! NOW FOX, FIGHT PIKACHU!" Fox called in an air strike which destroyed Fourside and Pikachu. One of the Arwings landed and Falco hopped out.

"Hey Fox, were ya been? Wolf's been an asshole and keeps shooting us down, it's annoying!"

"Falco, I'm glad you're here, my ship's gone, let's escape it yours!"

"What ship?" Ganondorf asked, showing the empty space where Falco's Arwing used to be. They both glared at him. "FALCO VS PEACH!"

"This place is completely destroyed, where to now?"

Ganondorf thought for a moment. "Bowser, do you still got that floating acid bath in the sky?"

"No…"

"Damn, let's just go to Termina!"

-Great Bay-

Peach threw a radish at Falco only for Ganondorf to smack her. "YOU PIKACHU CLONE!" Peach used Thunder somehow and Falco was caught off guard. The metal that made his reflector nearly fried him, leaving him unconscious on the turtle.

"That wasn't too hard!" Peach proclaimed as everyone stared.

"Screw this, I'm gone!" the turtle said before fleeing, Falco still on its back.

"Guys…" Young Link whispered.

"Next match, BOWSER VS MARIO! Bowser gets a gun."

"Uh, guys…"

"Sweet!" Bowser slung his AK-47 over his shoulder. "I'm gonna have fun with this match!"

"Guys!"

"What is it?" Link asked.

"MOON!"

They all turned to see the moon crash, causing a shockwave which hit all of them and sent them flying through the air to somewhere far away. "Bitches," Majora's Mask said, hovering above the moon crash site.

-Corneria-

"Okay, as long as no one shoots this thing down, we're good," Ganondorf said. "So- SAMUS DON'T YOU DARE!"

"But it's so tempting," Samus said from inside her ship, locking her weapons onto the arena.

"I'll make it so that you go straight to round 2 if you don't!"

"Deal!" Samus agreed near instantly. Bowser vs Mario then started. Bowser began to shoot at him, only to learn that Ganondorf forgot to give him ammo. Mario jumped over Bowser's head, grabbed a hammer that landed there and began hitting him with it. Ganondorf began to throw Pokémon into the arena at Mario, resulting in multiple injuries. In the end, Ganondorf resorted to Ganonball, attacking both rapidly.

"DRAW!" Ganondorf yelled. Bowser quickly drew a picture of a tomato. "BOWSER WINS!"

"What the hell?" Mario screamed.

"SILENCE!"

Next was Ice Climbers vs Master Hand. "Oh boy, this will be ever so fun!" Nana exclaimed.

"Indeed it shall!" Popo added.

"Stop being so happy! Master Hand, kill them!"

Master Hand curled up into a fist and crushed one, splattering it across the ship's roof. "That'll take a while to clean off," Falco whispered to Fox. The survivor, Popo, began throwing small pieces of ice while dodging Master Hand.

"Too eas- AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" Master Hand screamed, multiple explosions coming off of him before he plummeted to the ground below. Everyone just stared for a minute or two.

Roy was the first one to say something. "What the hell was that?!"

"I took down his HP steadily!" Popo told them. Ganondorf smacked his forehead in disbelief.

"Nana died, so it just you for rest of tournament. Well, ROY VS NESS! Here Roy, have this Pokéball, it's an experimental one from Brawl." Ganondorf handed Roy the ball.

"Sweet!" Roy threw the ball, hoping for something awesome to come out. "What the hell is that thing?"

"I deny being a 'thing'!" Deoxys snapped. It powered up its beam and launched Roy, very, VERY far. "Star KO!" Deoxys proclaimed, pumping one of its fists.

"Looks like Ness wins by default," Bowser pointed out.

"I hate Koopas… NEW STAGE! Um… Pokéfloats!"

-Pokéfloats-

"KIRBY VS MARTH!" Ganondorf roared from his Unown float.

"When do I get my match?" Pichu asked from a Bulbasaur float. Ganondorf took a deep breath and blew the float away. "SON OF A BIIIiiiiitch…" He drifted too far away to hear.

Kirby ate Marth, stealing his B attack. "Damn you!" Marth snapped before slashing at Kirby with his sword. He missed and their Squirtle float was wrecked, making them quickly jump to the Onix one. Before they could fight, one side began to fall and they looked to see Giga Bowser hanging onto it.

"HELP ME!" Giga Bowser screamed as the float went vertical, making them hang on for dear life.

"I'll help!" Ganondorf said, taking out his axe-blade.

"No help required!" Marth quickly screamed, despite the fact that the float was stretching, ready to burst. And burst it did.

As Giga Bowser's end plummeted, the fighter's end was flying around until Kirby let go and Marth was taken away. "I win!" Kirby exclaimed.

"CRAZY HAND VS DR. MARIO!" Ganondorf screamed, trying to avoid getting caught in a wind current.

Dr. Mario jumped onto a float. "Alright-a, just-a got to take down his-a HP!"

Crazy Hand charged in like a missile and impaled Dr. Mario through the head with his index finger before eating the corpse.

"Did I forget to tell you people that Crazy Hand is stronger than me?" Ganondorf asked innocently.

"I'MCRAZY! CRAZYFORSOUP!"

"Okay Zelda, your turn to fight," Ganondorf said. "Yoshi, get over here and get your ass kicked!"

"Everyone wants to kick Yoshi's ass, Yoshi…" Yoshi muttered before hopping to the Pokéfloat. He started off by throwing eggs at Zelda, who didn't even have to move as the wind was blowing them away. They began a long distance fight, no one really gaining the upper hand.

"Hey, a storm!" Fox pointed out. The floats entered a lightning storm, and everyone who had metal on them was electrocuted. Zelda tried to teleport beside Yoshi but appeared over blank space.

"Curse my inability to know where I'll end up!" Zelda screamed, falling.

"Sweet, Yoshi just won, Yoshi!" If you don't know who said this, there are people out there who can help you.

"Well you fight Giga Bowser next round." Giga Bowser looked up at this from his hot air balloon.

"And then Yoshi's luck goes directly down the drain, Yoshi…"

Ganondorf took out a list. "Who's left for today? Ah, two matches, Captain Falcon vs Young Link is one of them! SO THAT ONE NEEDS TO HAPPEN!"

"FALCON… PUNCH!" Young Link was eradicated.

"That takes care of that one. Game & Watch vs Pichu!" Pichu began shooting electricity at Game & Watch, hurting himself in the process. Game & Watch put it all in his bucket and threw it at Pichu. They began to battle it out, having such an epic fight that history would be retelling the story for generations to come, and it would leave a scar on the face of the Earth which would end up as a religious location… if Ganondorf hadn't have started throwing swords at them. "DIE DIE DIEEEE!"

Game & Watch put 3 swords in his bucket and launched them at Pichu, knocking him off the float.

"Perfect!" Ganondorf exclaimed. "However, to make things even in this, I draw two names out of hat, and they fight in next round for well rounded tournament."

"That's not a hat, you cut Mario's head in half and dropped a bunch of paper in it," Mewtwo said.

"To-mae-to, to-mah-to."

"Fruit is irrelevant to the current conversation," Game & Watch said robotically. Ganondorf popped his float.

"The first returnee is…" He picked out a piece of paper. "…destroyed by the fluid. NEXT!" He grabbed another. "Congratulations Roy, you are NOT back! Neither is Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Luigi, Link, Mario, Marth, Master Hand, Pichu, Zelda, Young Link or Dr. Mario. Can you guess who is back?"

Cue Jeopardy music.

"FUCK, YOU PEOPLE ARE RETARDS! FALCO'S BACK!"

"I only lost by a minor mistake, this time I'll kick ass!" Falco proclaimed.

"If you value your life, don't be the winner, you fight Ganondorf," Fox whispered.

"The next returnee is… part of Mario's brain? Oh what the hell, I'll just throw him back in for torture purposes," Ganondorf decided. "Now whoever answers math question first doesn't get shot at. 7 PLUS 7!"

"14!" Popo yelled, clapping. "I just learned that in grade school this week!"

Ganondorf shrugged, taking out his sword shooting machinegun. "Looks like the rest of you get hurt. BADLY."


	27. Round 2

_**Tuesday October 11th: Week 6, Day 27**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "Time to watch you people further suffer. Let's start off the bat. GIGA BOWSER VS YOSHI!"

"We're still in the classroom," Giga Bowser told him.

"I DON'T CARE, KICK EACH OTHER'S ASS!"

Yoshi opened with an attempt to eat Giga Bowser. He managed to get the foot in his mouth… That was about it. Giga Bowser then smashed his foot against a wall, hurting Yoshi badly. The little creature began to throw eggs at Giga Bowser, and they did absolutely nothing. Giga Bowser kicked him again, throwing him out the window and into a street light.

"GIGA BOWSER ADVANCES! At least that's what I'd say if that fight was official. We now must go to stage and fight again!" Ganondorf announced. "But where shall we fight… I know!"

-Rainbow Cruise-

"This cruise will take us to…"

-Icicle Mountain-

"This mountain is on a constant avalanche, meaning that every platform is falling at a constant rate," Ganondorf explained.

"Knowing you, you'll throw stuff at the mountain during the fight, correct?" Marth asked.

"Nah!" Ganondorf told him. "Who throws bullets?"

Giga Bowser opened with a blast of fire, which Yoshi avoided. However, it hit a Topi and killed it, pissing off the whole species. Thousands upon thousands of the creatures leapt from the snow onto Giga Bowser, covering him. The colossus struggled but was no match, tumbling down the mountains and into the KO zone.

"Yoshi finally won something, Yoshi!" Yoshi proclaimed happily, dancing.

"Somehow…" Ganondorf muttered. "Well, you're either fighting Fox or Samus next round, both of which are packing heat. One even shoots plasma!"

"Not to mention electricity, ice, and pure dark energy," Bowser added, enjoying Yoshi paling.

"Oh fuck, Yoshi!" Yoshi muttered.

"Samus, Fox, start fighting!" Ganondorf screamed.

"Isn't this stage not tournament approved?" Game & Watch questioned.

"For that comment you're fighting Crazy Hand. Moving on, START BATTLING!"

Off to the side, Pit was happily relaxing. "Ah, the joys of being a Brawl character! I don't have to participate in this hellhole of a tournament."

"TRAINING TIME!" Ganondorf roared, a mysterious person putting him in a headlock. "First lesson: get out of headlock in 10 seconds or my good friend Solid Snake snap your neck!"

The Metal Gear Solid theme song began playing.

"How did Solid Snake get in?" Pit choked out.

"I have connections. We good friends, he is the one who has always supplied me with torture devices and weapons that I use on you people," Ganondorf explained.

"If it exists, I can make it into a weapon," Snake told Pit before snapping his neck and laying him down. He then threw it behind a tree.

"Excellent work my friend!" Ganondorf said evilly, rubbing his hands together. "Soon, all will fear us, but first we must eliminate all 3rd party characters! They must not be in Brawl, just 1st party like us!"

"Uh, yeah, those bastards…"

"Now we must plan for a new weapon. I'm thinking a cross between a guitar and a bazooka…"

-Samus vs Fox-

Samus shot a super missile which Fox reflected. "Stop doing that!" Samus growled.

"All you're good attacks are projectiles, why shouldn't I?" Samus glared at him. She shot out her grapple beam and pulled him in, holding him by the collar. She then began to punch him repeatedly. Samus threw him off the mountain, but he climbed back on.

Getting pissed, she shot a fully charged blast at him. Fox reflected it back. Samus reflected it again, hitting Fox and launching him far out of bounds, KOing him. The crowd stared at her.

"SAMUS WINS! I don't want to know how the hell that just happened, but it's time to move on," Ganondorf said. "FALCO VS MEWTWO! HIGH TIER VS LOW TIER!"

"Huh?" both combatants simultaneously said.

"Nothing…"

"I'll show you lowest tier!" Mewtwo snarled. He lifted his arm and Falco launched into the air. Mewtwo spun him around a few times before hitting him into the side of the mountain. He hit Falco off the ground and then the mountain again, before dropping him. "That's my new side special should I end up in Brawl," Mewtwo announced.

"What the hell?" Falco screamed before shooting his blaster rapidly. Mewtwo teleported out of the way, ending up behind Falco. He used his fully charged shadow ball, but Falco reflected it. Mewtwo reflected that and Falco dodged it.

"Where is everyone getting these reflectors?!" Fox screamed as he met up with the bystanders.

"Internet, Slippy started up a website," Roy told him. "Even I have one! I plan to use it in Brawl, to replace that stupid counter."

Mewtwo used his new side B on Falco two more times before Falco decided to kick his reflector at Mewtwo and pull it back with a string. "It's my new reflector!" he told them proudly. Mewtwo wrapped his tail around his neck and started strangling the bird.

"I think this fight is decided," Zelda said.

"Are you kidding? It's just getting to the good part!" Mewtwo began to kick Falco in the balls while stealing his gun and shooting him in the face. No hands.

Falco then hit Mewtwo away by catching himself on fire. He launched himself at Mewtwo, hitting him into a wall before suddenly being no longer on fire. Mewtwo used his psychic powers to make the whole mountain explode, collapsing the landform on Falco.

"Our house!" Popo screamed.

"It's sleeping," Mewtwo snapped.

"Oh, that's a relief…"

Falco's hand stuck out, waving a white flag. The snow then fell off it to reveal it was a rocket launcher, not a flag, which he launched at Mewtwo. Mewtwo stopped it in mid air and ate it to show his toughness before making Falco explode.

"I'm beginning to see why you were the _last_ challenge in Pokémon," Jigglypuff said to him.

Zelda put Falco back together. "Lucky hit!" Falco said defensively.

-At school-

Master Hand was currently sitting in his office writing on some important documents using a quill. The door was then blown off its hinges.

"HI MASTER! I'm here for my interview!" Petey Pirahna screamed as he entered the room.

"Don't call me Master, it's creepy…"

"Okay Handy!" He sat on a chair, crushing it.

"That chair was carved by my great-great-great grandmother…" Master Hand growled.

"So you didn't have to pay for it?" Master Hand took a deep breath, bottling up his anger.

"Anyway, what job are you applying for?"

"Anything that lets me work with people!"

Master Hand gave him a look. "Oh, I'm afraid there are so few jobs like that in a school," he told Petey, his voice heavy with sarcasm.

"Oh… well there are at least some jobs with openings, right?"

"I'm not sure. After ruling out custodian, there are soooooo few options."

"That's not good…" Master Hand sighed at this.

"We aren't looking for any new teachers, Ganondorf is doing an outstanding job, though Samus hasn't been given any good reports, just one bad one from 'Names are for assholes', we may have to get rid of her… The guidance councilor would have been open if you came in yesterday, but that's been taken… Detention center, eh? How do you feel about locking people up in cages?"

"It's what I live for!"

"Good… Actually, do you also want to be a boss in Super Smash Bros Brawl's adventure mode? We've only got 2 right now."

-In their new arena-

"Welcome to my island, Yoshi!" Yoshi greeted at Yoshi's Island. Giga Bowser set it on fire. As everyone prepared, Bowser was stuffing his face with food.

"DK! FIGHT BOWSER!"

Bowser, finished his food, charged at DK, grabbing him and biting at his face. DK escaped, barely harmed and took out his sniper rifle and began firing one-handed at Bowser. The Koopa King hid behind the tilted warp pipe.

"This is it," Bowser said as he took out his own weapon. "SEE YOU IN HELL!" He jumped up with a Bob-omb. DK stared at him for a moment then pointed his sniper at him. Bowser threw it and it landed a bit passed DK. It got up walked over and was about to detonate, but DK threw it back at Bowser who ate it.

Bowser leaped into the air, directly above DK and took the shit of his life on the ape. "My digestive track is as short as a pipe cleaner!" Bowser laughed as the ape gagged in the metre high pile of waste. "Now for the finale." The Bob-omb ate earlier exploded, sending Dk flying into the air and landing a few feet away.

"This game rated T," Ganondorf said. "So this is the most gruesome thing I've seen all day, making it officially awesome."

"AWESOME!" Captain Falcon yelled as he fell from the sky, landing beside him.

DK stood back up and began pounding the ground continuously. Bowser shot him with some fire. Soon the two heavyweights began a slugfest, punching the crap out of each other. It became more of a contest of whose punches hurt more. Then Bowser cheated and began burning him before throwing DK out of bounds.

"I'm an awesome son of a bitch, I know!" Bowser laughed.

"Indeed you are," Ganondorf praised. "You're a son of bitch fighting Mewtwo next round." Bowser immediately stopped laughing. "Not even you exempt from my mental torture."

"Your horrendous grammar killed what sophistication 'exempt' may have shown," Samus told him.

"I can hurt you in more ways than Game & Watch could possible calculate, physical or mental," Ganondorf growled. "Kirby vs Popo, NOW!"

"This fight will be incredibly fun!" Popo exclaimed.

"Why do I feel impending doom?" Kirby questioned, like he always does. Popo dashed over with blinding speed and hit Kirby upwards before leaping into the air himself, appearing as a blur. Attacking as rapidly as a Great Aether, Kirby was soon unconscious with many wounds.

"Did I win?" Popo asked in anticipation.

"Sure… Why not… PEACH VS MARIO!"

"Wha?" Mario yelled. "I can't-a fight my princess!" Peach smacked him with her crown.

"I can fight you, you mustache faced asswipe!" She pulled a turnip from the ground and hit him, knocking the plumber over. She pulled out her umbrella and began to use it as a sword, stabbing at him, but Mario dodged. He looked straight up, opened his mouth, reached in and pulled a massive sword from his throat.

"I learned that from-a me father!" Mario told her before engaging in a duel. Peach's umbrella survived every swing, and eventually she began throwing turnips at him. Mario slowly gained damage. Peach did a super hip slam and launched Mario through the air, KOing him.

"Did I win?" Peach asked in a sweet voice.

"Because of comment which made my ears commit suicide, and the fact that you're supposed to be Pikachu clone, you lose, Mario moves on," Ganondorf told her. People were very surprised at this. "NESS VS CAPTAIN FALCON!"

"FALCON… PUNCH!" Ness managed to dive out of the way of the Punch of Absolute Demise. "Show me ya moves! FUCKIN' KICK!" Captain Falcon propelled himself toward Ness, flaming kick aimed at the young child. With a quick PK Fire, he was temporarily halted. "FALCON… PUNCH!" The fire died, never to be lit again.

"D-Did he just kill fire?" Kirby asked in disbelief.

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf stepped on him. "He do what you saw!"

Throughout the years, Ness had made a short list of goals to accomplish in his years of life. They ranged from eating certain foods, to making certain world records. He decided to add something to his list that day: _Never get hit by 'Falcon Anything'_.

"This is an AWESOME day! It will indefinitely go in my AWESOME journal," Falcon exclaimed as he quickly caught up to Ness. "FALCON… PUNCH!" Ness quickly moved.

"I surrender! I give! I bail! Whatever the hell I have to say to GET OUT OF HERE!" Ness screamed as he fled.

"In rules: No giving up!" Ganondorf told him.

"PK THUNDER!" Ness shot one at Falcon, who jumped over and kneed Ness in the face, causing it to implode on itself and launch him at hypersonic speeds.

"YEAH!"

Ganondorf took out a massive sheet of paper and X-ed something off. "Now that we have that one sided match over, We have Crazy Hand against Gay Men Watch."

"I believe that my name wa-" Crazy Hand swooped in and picked him up before throwing him into the air. Shooting lasers at him, Crazy waited for him to fall but did not expect Game & Watch to pull out a parachute to slow his decent, and begin throwing sausages at him.

Crazy Hand did not like this and retaliated by launching bombs at him. The parachute was destroyed and he fell right into Crazy Hand's hand. With that he swung him around, bashed him up and down and finally crushed him.

"Intense," Snake said.

"Indeed my friend," Ganondorf said. "I am currently planning to ask him to join our crusade, but I must find a way to say it in a way he'll understand. My current speech is: 'Wanna help kill some bad-bads?' and am still dumbing it down."

"Y-yeah, those stupid 3rd parties are… stupid," Snake said unconvincingly.

"Congrats you eight, you in quarterfinals," Ganondorf said. "All fights finish Friday."

"Why not tomorrow or Thursday?" Mario asked, practically begging to continue quickly.

"You'll see… You'll definitely see…"


	28. Finding Newbies

_**Wednesday October 12th: Week 6, Day 28**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "Yet today, I will not be in charge." Suddenly, balloons and confetti fell from above, multiple people starting dancing on their desks and happy music played. Ganondorf sighed.

"Petey Pirahna's in charge." The party stopped quickly.

"Who?" Marth asked.

"Marth, shut up! I can't wait for Ike to get here."

"WHO… IS… IKE?"

"Oh shitcakes," Mario muttered. "Petey's a giant plant with the mentality of Kraid, and enjoys locking people in cages for the most meaningless things."

"How meaningless?" Pit asked cautiously.

"Stealing his food, sitting where-a he doesn't want you to, liking bands he-a doesn't, having eaten a food he dislikes, you get it at this point."

"Mustachio summed it up. I, as well as multiple other important people, will be going to a convention where many people are applying for Brawl. We choose people we like, they may get in," Ganondorf told them. "I choose who you interact with for rest of year!" Many people got afraid at this.

Petey broke through the wall. "HI GANONDORTH!" he greeted.

"Dor_F_. Ganondor_F_!" Ganon growled. "Petey is in charge, but Gainindolf will also supervise in case there's something Petey misses… which there will probably be lot of."

Gainindolf broke into the room, a furious look on his face. "Pet snake just killed itself, I ANGRY TODAY!" He picked up a desk and tore it in half, roaring into the air.

"Have fun!" Ganondorf told them as he left the room with Giga Bowser.

Ganondorf, Giga Bowser, Samus, Captain Falcon met up outside a large building. "Sakurai said he'd be in there by now, so Falcon can find him, the rest-"

"Giga, Giga, Giga," Ganondorf chastised. "What make you possibly think Falcon is a good person to meet new people?"

Giga Bowser thought for a moment. "Good point, new plan. I'LL find him, you guys go around and choose some people."

They entered the building to see many booths set up, all with people supporting newbies. Ganondorf walked up to one randomly. "And why do you think we should let you in?"

"I fight for my friends."

Ganondorf thought for a minute. "Would you be willing to hurt those who I say are opposing your friends?" he asked.

"They'll get no sympathy from me."

"Hmm, tempting, tempting… Why not, you're in," Ganondorf said. Ike picked up his sword and walked out the door, clearly pleased. "Weirdo."

He then saw another booth and walked over. "Hey, Vaati!" Said man shivered, knowing that voice.

"Hi Ganondorf…"

"So you're applying for Brawl, eh?" Ganondorf asked, leaning on the booth.

"Pretty much, I thought about meeting new people, and-"

"ONLY ONE ZELDA VILLAIN! GAH!" He obliterated the booth and whoever was in it. Zant and Majora quickly fled their own booths.

-With Falcon-

"YOU'RE IN, AND YOU'RE IN, YOU TOO, YOU CAN JOIN, WELCOME, sorry, you don't fit out standards, but are welcome to try again should there be a future installment, BUT YOU'RE AWESOME ENOUGH, HELLO THERE NEW BRAWLER!"

-In class-

Petey had so far locked Peach and Zelda up in cages and was smashing them together.

"What are you doing?" Gainindolf asked him.

"PEACH WOULDN'T GIVE ME A TURNIP, AND ZELDA WOULDN'T FORCE HER TO!" Petey cried.

"Logical," Gainindolf said. "I also heard they're in an intimate relationship, so keep them as far from each other as POSSIBLE!"

"Okay, we're in an argument anyway," Zelda said.

"Lock them in the same cage, the SAME CAGE!"

"She called me a retard!" Peach snapped.

"You ARE a retard! This isn't an insult, I did some tests, and it's proven!" Zelda tried to explain.

-With Ganondorf, Giga Bowser, Samus, and Captain Falcon-

Samus was looking around, seeing everyone's booth. 'Steelix for Brawl… Emperor Bulblax for Brawl… Waluigi for Brawl… Dark Link for Brawl… Ryu Hayabusa for Brawl? Who the hell is that?'

"Who the hell are you?"

"I am Ryu Hayabusa," Ryu said in a Spanish accent. "I am a ninja… I can survive bullets, and kill purple tigers."

"Why does a Japanese ninja have a Spanish accent?"

"I don't," Ryu said normally. "I've always wanted to do that though!"

-Ganondorf-

"What are you?"

"My name… is Lucario. I am a… Pokemon, who can control… aura."

Ganondorf smacked him. "Stop talking with so many pauses," he said.

"It is my nature," Lucario told him.

"So what make you think you good for Smash Brawl, eh?"

Lucario was silent. "…What?"

"WHAT CAN YOU DO?" Ganondorf took out his light blade from Twilight Princess in one hand and his axe blade from Melee in the other.

"I-I-I can… charge up a ball of energy… and shoot it," Lucario told him, fearing his life.

"WE HAVE TWO OF THOSE ALREADY!"

"I do it Kamehameha style!"

Ganondorf lowered his swords. "We discuss much now."

'Can't this guy talk English right? It very not hard… Ha, just kidding, I know I just made an obvious joke. Who the hell am I explaining to? No one hears my thoughts!'

The two were sitting down in a room drinking tea. Well, Ganondorf was, Lucario was watching, wondering why this guy was one of the people in charge. "So, what is your fighting style?"

"Style?"

"YOU KARATE PERSON NOW!" Ganondorf screamed, smashing the tea cup against the wall. "Side B move? Up B? Down B?"

"Hmm… I suppose I could use… Extremespeed to launch myself… back toward the stage."

"That sounds strong, so you can't do any damage with it," Ganondorf told him.

"Why-" Luacario ducked as a sword went through the air where his head was.

"THAT WAS TURNING INTO A QUESTION! NO QUESTIONS!"

"Okayokayokay!" Lucario screamed, getting up from the ground. "I can't think… of a Down B."

"COUNTER!" Ganondorf yelled, tearing a wall out of the foundation and throwing it into the street.

-In a cave-

"Okay, there's a new Smash coming out, and I think you would all be interested," Rayquaza said to the others sitting around his table. "I would like some company, and since a lot of people in it are assholes, I want you all to be there."

"Sweet, I wonder what my B attack will be!" Groudon cheered.

"It'll be a cold day in hell when all you legendaries get in as characters," Rayquaza told him. "As such, we will be getting rid of a lot of standards to fit all of us in."

"Sweet, I get to be in again!" Raikou cheered.

"Sorry, you're being replaced by Bonsly," Rayquaza said. "And Darkrai, Giratina, you aren't allowed in. Neither is Arceus."

"Fuck you guys!" Arceus growled as he stormed out of the room.

"Nice job pissing off a god, that won't have _any_ negative repercussions," Raikou told Rayquaza.

"Quiet. Okay, first up, let's take out Blastoise, then Venusaur… Charizard's too awesome to kill, so we can't."

-Ganondorf-

"And why do you think you should be in?"

"EH-HEH-HEH-HEH-HEH!"

"That's good and all, but answer."

"EH?"

"Wario, use words to express your opinion."

-2 minutes later-

"A Mario hater, eh?" Ganondorf asked, more so to himself. "I like your style! Welcome to Super Smash Bros Brawl!"

As the two exited the interview room, they ran into the rest of the group. "Ganondorf," Sakurai began, "you can't let everyone who says they hate Mario in! Most of the people you've interviewed today aren't even on a Nintendo system!"

"Well I think they would be very contributing to the greatness of Smash Bros!" Ganondorf explained.

"No, you think they'll be very contributing to the pain of Mario's," Sakurai responded. "Seriously, you let fucking Epona in. EPONA!"

"Sorry for thinking she will be a very improving factor in Smash."

"It's a horse," Samus told him. "You need to stop."

"DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!" He took out his taser-bow and fired, with the bounty hunter ducking and the taser hitting Waluigi.

"You sons of a bitches!" Waluigi yelled, chasing after Ganondorf with his tennis racket. Ganondorf sidestepped and the tall man ran into Grey Fox.

"You will die for this insolence," the cyborg ninja growled, taking out his sword and attacking Waluigi.

"BRING IT!"

Enemy Grey Fox attacked! 150/150

Waluigi 100/100

Grey Fox used slash! 24 damage. Waluigi 76/100

Waluigi struck a creepy pose! Grey Fox's defense dropped heavily.

Grey Fox used awesome phrase! "I will make sure you leave the world of the living impaled on my blade!" Attack increased an astonishing amount! Speed increased an astonishing amount! Special attack increased an astonishing amount! Waluigi's defense plummeted.

Waluigi used Stomp! 41 damage, critical hit! Grey Fox 109/150

Grey Fox flinched!

"This is the highlight of my day," Giga Bowser muttered to Ganon.

-Class-

"So what are we doing?" Petey questioned.

"Geography," Game & Watch reported.

"Oh, um… I don't know much about that, but Russia's big and Japan is smaller…"

"I'll help you," Zelda said. "If you let me out of this FUCKING CAGE!" She shook the bars, roaring at Petey.

"Only if you make me 700 CAPPUCCINOS! All vegetarian."

Zelda used magic powers. "Done. Now free me!" Petey smashed her cage to pieces against a wall. She immediately teleported out of the room.

"WHERE'S MY HELP!" Petey stormed out of the room through the wall, running down the hall. The students stared for a minute.

"This is boring," Link said. "Who wants to go downtown and beat up some bankers?" Everyone followed him, eager to perform the act, except one person. Snake threw the box he was hidden in off and stored it, preparing for his mission. He took out a piece of paper with instructions from Ganondorf.

"Step 1: I must find a translation, I cannot understand the Spanish he wrote this in," Snake muttered. Mewtwo entered the room.

"Where did everyone go?" he asked.

"I need you to translate this for me."

"Do I look Spanish to you?" the creature asked. Snake pointed a pistol at him. "Let's see… He wants you to…"

Gainindolf smashed through the roof. "What happened while I was gone?!" he demanded.

"Petey ran out of the room and everyone else left to beat up bankers," Snake told him.

"They went to beat up bankers WITHOUT INVITING ME?!"

-The others-

Grey Fox 46/150

Waluigi 29/100

"So who will win?" Samus asked.

"I don't know, I can't see the future," Giga Bowser told her.

"You can't? What a wimp," Samus said. "It's pretty simple."

Waluigi used Hyperbeam! 45 damage! Grey fox 1/150

Grey Fox prepared himself! Ike approved.

Waluigi must recharge!

Grey Fox went into hallway massacre mode! He became unstoppable.

Waluigi used Stomp! Grey Fox blocked and retaliated. Waluigi 1/100

Grey Fox kicked Waluigi in the shin. Waluigi fainted! Grey Fox gained 741 exp.

Enemy Captain Falcon attacked! "FALCON… PUNCH!" Instant knockout! Captain Falcon gained 9000 exp. Captain Falcon grew to level 847! Captain Falcon learned Knee of Death!

"Didn't see that coming," Ganondorf admitted.

"I did."

"Shut up with the future crap Samus."

"Watch out for that moose!" she warned him. Ganondorf looked around, seeing no moose. He walked away.

Lucario stood with Ike and Wario. "So… you two are also… in Brawl?"

"HEH HEH HEH!" Wario rubbed his hands together evilly.

"Indeed I am," Ike said. "Ye all shall face my wrath."

"Okay," Lucario said. "I'll just… be over there. Where normal people are." He began to walk over to Ryu and Grey Fox.

"I tell you, Ocarina of Time is superior to Majora's Mask!"

"I grow weary of your insolence," Grey Fox told him. "This crime cannot go unpunished."

"BRING IT ON!"

Wild Grey Fox attacked!

"Oh not again… Ike, Wario, I'm… hanging out with you guys…"


	29. Super Substitute and the Hedgehog Hunt

**_Thursday October 13th: Week 6, Day 29_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "Now- Where the hell is Mewtwo?"

"He went off with Snake and Gainindolf on some adventure," Fox said. "They left while we were beating up bankers."

"I see… Well, I go today where yesterday was, so expecting a replacement is what should be."

"What the fuck was that?" Giga Bowser asked from the doorway. Ganondorf flipped him off before walking out the door. The class stared for a moment at the front of the room.

"Shouldn't someone be here?" Kirby asked.

"The one who cannot hold his mouth is the first to leave this world," a voice said, and suddenly Grey Fox appeared at the front of the room, no longer camouflaged. "You must learn to be silent until the enemy grows weary and makes a fault, one which shall become fatal."

"You scare me."

"I shall succeed where others have failed, and show you a true warrior's skills."

"I think I'm going to die…"

-Snake's mission-

Snake, Mewtwo and Gainindolf were all hiding inside Snake's box, sneaking through a facility. It was a very tight fit.

"Why can't I just teleport us there?" Mewtwo demanded quietly as a guard passed them.

"Because there's a chance you'll teleport me into a volcano and I'll die," Snake said.

"For the last time, none of us are trying to kill you!"

"I'M BORED!" Gainindolf roared, throwing the box off them and tearing the heads off two guards. He then proceeded to rampage through the building, leaving no survivors.

"Remind me why we didn't start by doing that," Mewtwo muttered.

Snake got in a thinking pose. "So Gainindolf responds violently to boredom… If we can harness this trait and replicate it, a bored army could be created, one that could be rivaled by no other!"

Mewtwo face palmed.

Snake snuck into a control room, planted an explosive and they all quickly escaped before it exploded in a shower to flames and bodies.

"So that was Ganondorf's mission?" Mewtwo asked.

"No, that was my morning exercise, I was all cramped up from the position I slept in last night," Snake told him. "Now we start Ganondorf's mission."

"Wait, then what did I translate?"

"The instructions on where to go to get the mission." He unfolded a piece of paper. "The mission is to go to Green Hill Zone and assassinate Sonic the Hedgehog, Ganondorf hates 3rd parties."

"You're 3rd party…" Snake covered his mouth.

"He thinks I'm 2nd party, don't screw this up for me!" Snake whispered as Gainindolf approached.

"WHO THE FUCK SET THAT BOMB?! I found more people to kill, then BOOM! All dead."

"We have to kill Sonic, so let's go," Snake said. "You two in front, I don't want any hits when I'm not looking…"

"Do you trust anyone?!" Mewtwo demanded.

Snake thought for a moment. "Well, I trust Ganondorf, Ryu Hayabusa, Captain Olimar, Emperor Ing, and Crazy Hand, but that's it. Otacon still has to prove himself by drinking that can of stuff I found in the sewers." Mewtwo and Gainindolf glanced at each other in disgust.

-Class-

Grey Fox stood at the front of the class. "At ease soldiers."

"We're tense because you just gutted Young Link," Pichu explained. Young Link's corpse fell from the ceiling fan, landing on the floor in the middle of the room.

"Should sounds come from your mouth again, not even a god will stand between the tip of my blade and your heart," Grey Fox threatened before bringing his attention to the whole class. "Ganondorf left with me a set of instructions which I will follow to swiftly deliver an education superior to others. Follow me to the field." He turned and walked out of the room, the group following him out.

They all ended up in the school yard and Grey Fox took out a sheet of paper. "These are what Ganondorf told me to do."

Marth decided to unleash a witty comment. "So-" His tiara was cut in half straight down the middle without any skin or hair damage.

"SILENCE." Grey Fox snapped, not even appearing to move.

"M-m-my tiara!" Marth fell to the ground in tears, mourning the loss until he remembered he had six more. There was much celebration before Grey Fox killed several students.

"No weird events shall take place in my presence, or they will be swiftly ended with the blade of a sword. We will now proceed to play soccer with bricks tied to your heads and feet, while using Kirby as the ball. Start."

-Mission-

The Three Stooges were hiding under a cardboard box as they entered the Green Hill Zone where Sonic resided. The fact that it was moving destroyed any subtlety. Tails walked up to them. "What is going on?"

Snake threw the box off. He grabbed Tails, snapped his neck, shoved a few buckets of C4 down his throat and threw him into a major population centre before detonating. "Nearly discovered there, problem solved."

Mewtwo floated over. "Why am I hanging out with you in the first place?"

"I threatened you at gunpoint and taped a stick of dynamite to your pet Kabutops."

"Right… I lack the memory of you removing that."

"I'm sorry for your loss."

"KILL… KILL… KILL…" Gainindolf chanted ritualistically. Mewtwo shook his head and began to search for Snake's objective, Sonic. The sooner this was done the better.

At this time, Sonic was talking on a cell phone. "I don't care about Super Smash Bros, I have better things to do than fight Link and Captain Falcon!" Pause. "The fact that I have nothing to do is beside the point! The point is that I don't want to!"

Snake peeked in his window. "Okay, my plan is to plant C4 around the entire house and detonate them at the same time," he whispered.

"Or I could just crush him into a pea with psychic powers, you know, save time…"

"DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Gainindolf tore through the wall and lunged at Sonic who screamed and dove out of the path. Gainindolf crashed into the fridge which exploded violently.

"That also works," Mewtwo pointed out as Gainindolf pulled a wall off and threw it at Sonic who ducked under it. Gainindolf roared into the air before charging Sonic who moved once again.

Snake crawled over to Mewtwo and took out a detonator. "In 15 seconds this place will be blown to pieces, let's move!"

"What are you attacking me for?!" Sonic demanded as he avoided another blow from Gainindolf.

"NO IDEA!" the ballistic father of Ganondorf said as he continued to attack.

"Big explosions aren't always the answer," Mewtwo told Snake.

"True. But in this case they are." He pressed the switch.

A large explosion was seen on the horizon. Mewtwo and Snake stared at it. "I don't think that was the right detonator." Snake agreed. "What blew up though?"

-Elsewhere-

Ganondorf, Giga Bowser, Samus, Sakurai and Captain Falcon stared at the crater where the building had been.

"It just… exploded," Sakurai said.

"I think I remember where I put most of Snake's explosives now," Ganondorf realized.

"I'M ALIVE, CAN I BE IN? PRETTY PLEASE?" Kraid asked from the rubble.

"No, you have to be with the people who replay Melee," Sakurai said. "Not to mention resizing you would be the biggest pain in gaming history."

"You resized Olimar," Giga Bowser pointed out.

"Do you want to be deleted?"

"QUIET!" Ganondorf screamed. "There survivors, I interview them!"

"I doubt people who were just in a life or death situation would have Brawl interviews on their mind," Samus said. Ganondorf scoffed at this in walked up to Sylux.

"YOU! Say qualities that would make you good for Brawl!"

"Okay!" Sylux seemed very enthusiastic. "I have a Shock Coil that I can use, and an alternate form like Samus' Morph Ball, and I have a ship, and I can hit people with my fists, and I once kicked someone and it hurt them, and my Lockjaw form can drop little electric things, and I have fighting experience, and-"

"Run on sentences PISS ME OFF!" He grabbed Sylux by the head and threw him into a nearby fountain. He turned to another person, this time it was Isaac. "SAME THING AS HIM!"

Isaac began to do some fancy stuff with his psyenergy. He made giant hands, created minor earthquakes and healed Sylux. Captain Falcon rushed to the scene.

"That was the most AWESOME display of AWESOME moves I've seen at this AWESOME convention! I can AWESOMEly declare that I want you in!"

"Let's make him an assist trophy and be done with this," Samus growled.

-Snake, Mewtwo, Gainindolf and Sonic-

Sonic had run away and Gainindolf pursued in a military jet. He launched missiles at the hedgehog who did his best to avoid the surely fatal attacks. Snake was busy searching through his stuff to find the correct detonator. "Where the hell did I throw it?!"

"They're gone, it would be pointl-"

"I don't want to hear it! AHA!" Snake pulled out the detonator and blew the house up. He turned on his codec. "This is Snake, I'm done here."

"Snake, where have you been?" Otacon asked. "We've been trying to find you for a really important mission but you haven't been anywhere!"

"I said I'm done."

-Class-

"Stop." Everyone dropped to the ground, gasping. "STAND UP." He hit the ground beside Falco with a crop. They all jumped up. "That was the most pitiful display of soccer I have seen in 16 weeks! Especially you Falco!"

"Bird plus bricks equals HARD TO DO CRAP!"

"Do not raise your voice at me." He tasered Falco in the side of the head, making the bird fall over. "Due to your immense failure, all of you are sentenced to execution courtesy of me." He took out his sword.

"HELL NO!" Sheik appeared on the scene in a poof of smoke. "I am sick and tired of healing this group, it takes up most of my spare time! I will annihilate you!"

"Bring it biotch," Grey Fox snapped, causing everyone to stare for a moment. They began a ninja fight; sword and gun vs. whip and needles. But that is a story for another day… NOT!

"Wow, Zelda's a lot faster out of a dress," Link point out. "Look at that flexibility!"

"Grey Fox has a gun in a ninja fight, that makes no sense," Kirby groaned from the ground. Pikachu sat on top of him.

Grey Fox jumped on top of his sword and did an axe kick at Sheik who grabbed him and threw him into some Giga Bowser feces. Grey Fox jumped out and turned on his camo, so Sheik followed the smell of crap and oysters to find Grey Fox hiding behind a dead tree. She threw some needles at it, covering it, thus creating the pine tree. This was later hailed as the greatest invention of all time.

"This is fun!" Sheik said.

"Indeed, the thrill of the hunt always causes my blood to rush faster."

Grey Fox turned his camo back on and ran at Sheik, knocking her down and attempting to shoot her in the head. Sheik blocked it with a single needle, like she can do to any projectile, and wrapped the chain around his neck.

Using his sword as a hacksaw, Grey Fox began to try to saw it in half. This continued for several minutes. "I'm getting bored, how about I just let you out so we can continue?"

"I would greatly appreciate it."

The battle continued, neither really advancing at all. Eventually they both ran out of their ammunition so it became close range. "No fair, you have a robotic exoskeleton while I have some cloths!"

"The better equipped possessed the upper hand."

"Then why is Marth better than Link?" Sheik questioned.

"Link's a whore," Grey Fox replied calmly.

"If you couldn't kill me in an instant I'd be so murderous right now," Link yelled from the side.


	30. The Final Rounds

_Published November 15, 2008_

**_Friday October 14th: Week 6, Day 30_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared. "I didn't read Grey Fox's report, so what happen?"

"Soccer using me," Kirby said.

"He called me a whore," Link said.

"He clipped my wings!" Falco growled.

"He cut off Yoshi's foot and made him eat it, Yoshi!" Yoshi stated.

"Then he followed my lesson plan to letter, excellent!" Ganondorf praised. "He should be here more often, good influence on the young ones!"

"Not to mention that nothing bad happened to me!" Roy said excitedly.

"That's because Ganondorf put something in your head, how many times must we tell you?!" Marth whispered to him.

"At least six more."

Ganondorf cleared his throat loudly. "In case you forget, today we FINISH MELEE TOURNAMENT!" he explained. "YOSHI VS SAMUS IS FIGHT FIRST!" The intense grammatical errors were getting more and more obvious. Some briefly wondered if he did it on purpose. Deciding to move on, they all entered the gym where Ganondorf said the fights would take place.

"This room does not look like it will support the fight between an extremely armed madwoman and a green dinosaur," Game & Watch reported robotically. Ganondorf took out a paperclip and stuck him to a banner on the wall. "Intense douchebaggery detected. Abort now."

"FIGHT!"

Samus charged a shot and fired it at Yoshi who put himself inside an egg as a shield. He then rolled over in the egg and knocked her over before getting out. Samus got up and began shooting dozens of missiles at him which Yoshi ran as fast as he could from.

"YOSHI IN TROUBLE, YOSHI IN TROUBLE!" Yoshi dove out of the way as they all destroyed a wall.

"Die you spawn of a shit smoking game developer!" Samus tried to fire a super missile but nothing came out. She looked at her arm cannon which reported that it was out of ammo. "Dammit."

"Yay, no more lethal missiles heading toward Yoshi!" Samus began to punch and kick him. "Yoshi hurting, Yoshi hurting!" He decided to pull out a final move and tried to eat Samus to make her an egg. Samus dodged it, grabbed his tongue, and stuck it to the dinosaur's forehead. Yoshi was pulled into his own stomach and was defecated as an egg.

"Interesting results," Ganon commented. "Someone cook Yoshi while Bowser fights Mewtwo! And make it scrambled."

_Roy, you do it!_

"Yes Royandolf!" He struggled to lift the egg which was about his size.

Bowser and Mewtwo stood opposite of each other. "You're slow and your range is awful, what do you think you can do?" Mewtwo asked him.

"You're slow, your range is awful, and you're light, what do _you_ think _you_ can do?" Bowser retorted. Mewtwo snapped his fingers and they were on Rainbow Cruise.

"Counterpicked bitch."

Bowser ran at Mewtwo and grabbed him with his claws before smashing him against the floor. He was about to bite off the Pocket Monster's head but Mewtwo teleported out of the way. Bowser charged him again but Mewtwo repeated. "Stalling is against the rules asshole," Bowser growled.

"I was waiting for this…" The ship began to fall so they jumped on the platforms.

"I think Mewtwo has a plan," Link said.

"Shut up, I'm recording this and your voice is annoying," Fox said as he recorded the fight on his cell phone.

"Ooo ah ooo…" (The ship's sinking.)

"Shut up DK. Where'd Diddy go, he came by a week ago or something like that," Kirby wondered.

"Oooo ooo AH, ooo. AH ooo ah ah ah ooo." (He left because he was attacked in seconds, I'll bring him back on Monday. Have fun dying.) DK jumped onto the platforms.

"I wonder if there's a translation guide for that guy," Fox said before taking out a laptop and looking it up.

"You have a lot of electr-" They were all KOed when the ship disappeared.

Mewtwo spun Bowser around and threw him upwards. Bowser came down shell first and nearly impaled Mewtwo before shooting some fire at him. Mewtwo stunned Bowser before blasting him off the stage. Bowser double jumped and used his Whirling Fortress to try to recover. The lack of holdable ledges made him miss and fall straight down.

"DAMN YOU MEWTWO!" He was KOed.

"Nice plan Mewtwo," Ganondorf praised. "But since you warped us and that pisses me off, 7 000 000 PUSH UPS! And give us a place for Mario to fight Popo." Mewtwo sighed before warping them to Jungle Japes.

"Wait, I'm not a student, I don't have to do shit!" Mewtwo realized. Ganondorf glared at him.

Mario faced Popo. "Let's-a go!"

"Alright! I look forward to our fight!" Popo exclaimed. "May the best man win!"

"I hate him…" Ganondorf growled, fantasizing strangling Popo.

Mario jumped at Popo and shot a few fireballs. Popo sidestepped them and shot some ice. Mario sidestepped them and shot some fireballs. This pattern continued for several minutes.

Cranky Kong burst through the wall of his house. "YOU WHIPPERSNAPPERS, GET OFF MA LAWN!" He took out and SMG and fired a round into Mario, who fell and was KOed by the claptrap. Popo snuck away quietly.

"You have to be shitting me," Ganondorf muttered. "Popo wins due to Cranky being himself."

Mewtwo warped them to Final Destination where Crazy Hand was talking with Master Hand about world news. "Thegovernmentshoulddomoreaboutthestarvingchildrenthancommericals, commercialsdoabsolutelynothingatall. Ibetalotofourmoneyanddonationsdon'tevengooverseas!"

"Sure, why not?" Master Hand didn't catch any of that.

"CRAZY!" Captain Falcon yelled. "It's time for our AWESOME battle, are you ready?"

"ReadyasI'lleverbe, let'sstartthisfight!" Captain Falcon dashed over and kneed Crazy Hand, launching him backwards. Crazy Hand went ballistic, charging at Falcon who jumped out of the way. Crazy did a turn around and shot some lasers but Falcon was ready, moving again.

"Intense," Link stated.

"Bah, I could so kick both of their asses!" Falco said, crossing his arms.

"Same here," Rayquaza said. "Except I could actually do it."

"You're asking for a beat down."

"That's what she said."

The battle was so epic that describing it in a humour story would change the entire thing's genre from humour to awesome. After much intense action, Falcon and Crazy Hand were both preparing their final attack.

"FALCON…"

"CRAZY…"

"KICK!"

"PWha?"

Crazy Hand was caught off guard by this and was nailed head on by the Falcon Kick. He fell to the ground for a moment before rising into the air again. "Nicemovebutit'stimetoendthisfight, andIshallbethevictorwithyoulyingdefeatedatmyfeet!"

"You're an AWESOME talker, but do it sloooooooooooower, preferably my speed," Captain Falcon told Crazy Hand.

"Nofuckyougolickadick!" Crazy Hand re-prepared his final attack.

"No AWESOME mindgames this time, I'm going to really punch you!" Falcon exclaimed. "Show me ya moves! FALCON…"

"CRAZY…"

"PSYCHE!"

"PWha?" Falcon moved and jumped on top of Crazy Hand.

"The point of AWESOME mindgames is to trick your AWESOME opponent! FALCON… PUNCH!" He punched Crazy Hand with his flaming fist. The impact was followed by a massive explosion. Crazy Hand exploded repeatedly before falling off Final Destination. A large flash signaled his KO.

"YES!"

Ganondorf nodded slowly. "Okay then, interesting… WHERE THE FUCK ARE MY EGGS?!" He pushed Mario off Final Destination with his axe blade in his chest. "DAMMIT! That was my favourite sword! Pichu, go get it." He pushed Pichu off Final Destintion.

"Wow, here I was thinking you were going to stop randomly killing," Samus said, walking up to him.

"And here you were thinking wrongly. I getting chainsaw on weekend! Was waiting for it to come, but I couldn't resist pushing people off Final Destination." He Sparta kicked Samus off, but she latched on with her grapple beam.

"I'm fighting next asshole!"

"Crybaby. SAMUS VS MEWTWO! START NOW!"

"I'm not up yet!" Samus yelled as she hung from the edge.

"I find you to be a bitch, so Mewtwo gets easy fight." Ganondorf pushed Mewtwo toward her.

"Dude, that would be boring," Mewtwo said to the dark lord. Ganondorf rolled his eyes before pushing Mewtwo off Final Destination. He grabbed onto Samus' leg. "Has he always been like this?"

"Started around Ocarina of Time actually." She paused for a moment. "Move your hand. Now." He slid down to her ankle. "Much obliged."

"Shouldn't we be getting up? I don't have much arm strength!"

"Learn to weight lift, it's a rather effective way to get stronger muscles." Samus easily pulled them up with one arm.

"Is that what you did?" Mewtwo asked, deciding to fight from a distance.

"No, I cheated. Chozo blood for the win." She began to fire lots of shot at him and Mewtwo teleported out of the way.

"I am awesome," he said, snapping his fingers. They were in Hyrule Temple now. Samus glared at him. "More awesome than you and everyone else… except Falcon I guess."

"AWESOME!"

"Shut up Falcon." Mewtwo dropped to the lower level and began to charge up his Shadow Ball. Samus dropped as well and he teleported to the upper level.

"I will tear off your balls and feed them to a rabid Bombchu!" Samus roared.

"As a clone, I have no genitals," Mewtwo muttered sadly. "Thank you though for bringing up such a depressing topic which makes me want to cry in a corner and kill myself."

"You're very welcome." Samus chased him up and Mewtwo fired some psychic energy at Samus, launching her backwards. She hit the wall in the middle of the area. Mewtwo teleported up to her and began using his A combo.

"WALL INFINITE, FUCK!" Samus yelled. She was trapped until over 300 percent damage and Mewtwo grabbed her.

"Up throw, my greatest kill move," Mewtwo announced. "This will be what I finish you with, so prepare to lose. I'll prove to everyone I'm far from the worst character in the game. Now-" Samus broke free and plowed a charged shot into his chest. Mewtwo fell to the ground a few metres away. Mewtwo threw a weak Shadow Ball and Samus launched across the arena, KOed instantly.

"That over, time for last semifinal match!" Ganondorf yelled. "MEWTWO, NEW ARENA!" They warped to Battlefield. "Everything except your fights has to be neutral, doesn't it?" Mewtwo nodded.

Popo and Falcon prepared for combat. "This AWESOME fight will be AWESOME! COME ON!"

Falcon started with a leaping Falcon Punch. Popo moved out of the way and froze him solid before preparing to hit him as hard as he could. Falcon broke out and grabbed Popo, kneeing him in the face with his ultimate knee attack repeatedly. He then threw him off the stage but Popo used his tether to hold on.

"How did you do that without the AWESOME Nana, it was AWESOME!" Falcon exclaimed.

"I don't know…"

The battle continued with Falcon clearly winning, but every time Popo managed to get back to the stage. "Die already! FALCON…"

Popo began to prepare.

"…PUAGH!" Falcon slipped on some ice, his punch missing, and he slid right off the stage. He grabbed the ledge but it had also been coated in ice resulting in his KO.

"Wow, I wasn't even done preparing!" Popo remarked, putting away a car battery and some porcupines.

Ganondorf took out a microphone. "**HERE WE ARE, THE GRAND FINALS, MEWTWO VS POPO!**"

"THE YELLING… IT'S MAGNIFIED!" Link screamed as he fell to the ground.

"**DON'T GIVE A FUCK, NOT A SINGLE FUCK GIVEN. MEWTWO, _WARP!_**"

"Only if you STOP YELLING INTO A MICROPHONE!" Mewtwo yelled at him.

"**_YELLING CONTEST!_**"

Mewtwo immediately warped them to a random stage, which ended up being Peach's Castle roof.

"I'm home bitches!" the steroid induced Peach yelled, breaking a hole in the wall and entering.

Pit began to think. "Castle with Peach, out here with Ganon… Castle with Peach, out here with Ganon… Ganon."

Snake came to them from a Cypher with a sack that had a struggling form in it. "Found him." He dumped Diddy on the castle roof.

"AH ooo!" (How humiliating!)

"Ooo ooo AH oooo." (Welcome to Ganondorf's hell.)

"Ooo oo." (Aw shit.)

"**_SHUT UP MONKEYS! THANK YOU SNAKE._**"

"My ears are feeling the pain that others do when I snap their necks…"

"**_SHUT UP SNAKE. MEWTWO, POPO, FIIIIIIIIGHT!_**"

Diddy approached the others. "AH ooo ah aaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkkkkkk bleh… Sorry about that ol' chaps, there was a bothersome clot of hair in my throat, for I do love to lick myself," Diddy said in a stereotypical British accent.

"English speaking monkey…?" Kirby wondered out loud.

"Right on the dot," Diddy said. "Though I must say, you should attempt to speak more than mere sentence fragments good sir, it severely lowers your reputation in the eyes of more intellectual beings."

"Ooo? Ah ooo? AH AH OOO AH AH AH! Ooo ah ooo ooo ooo ah." (You? Intellectual? _Insert lots of laughter_ When you see a banana you revert to such a primal state.)

"Why I would like to see you back that up." DK held a banana out to him. "BANANA! MUST HAVE!" He charged DK.

Mewtwo teleported behind Popo and tried to grab him with some psychic powers. Popo used a barrel roll to deflect the attack and summoned a massive iceberg which he made charge Mewtwo. The clone stopped it with a single hand and launched it back at Popo. The ice climber latched onto it and ran around on the side with ease.

"I am enjoying this fight so much!" Popo exclaimed. Ganondorf shot at him with a minigun but missed horribly.

"ARE YOU **EVER **NOT HAPPY?!"

"Aye, once a long time ago… I can't even remember what it was about actually," Popo admitted. "I think it had to do with our grocery store being out of ketchup." Ganondorf pulled his hair in frustration.

"I hope you win so I can KICK YOUR ASS!"

Mewtwo froze. "Oh shit, winner fights Ganon… Oh well, I could take him." Ganondorf's nostril twitched.

"_You _take _me_? That's so laughable it's… I appear to have backed myself into a corner. I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY OF MY USUSAL SHIT TODAY, JUST WAIT UNTIL MONDAY!"

"You pushed Mario, Pichu, Mewtwo, me, and Link off Final Destination!" Samus stated.

"No he didn't," Link said. "Why did you think he threw me off?"

Ganondorf threw Link off Battlefield. "NO QUESTIONS!"

"Like I said, I see the future." Ganondorf pushed her off again. He then turned back to the fight, ignoring the others inching away.

Mewtwo charged a shadow ball and held onto it, saving the attack for later. Popo ran over to him and swing his hammer which Mewtwo sidestepped before grabbing Popo and throwing him backwards. He launched his shadow ball at him which sent Popo flying. "I'm actually going to win! Worst character in the game my ass!" Mewtwo teleported up beside Popo to use a finisher… but couldn't move after using his up special in the air. "NO! GAME MECHANICS FOR THE LOSE!" He began to fall but noticed he was passing by a ledge. "Yes!" He went right passed it. "WHAT? WHY CAN'T I GRAB IT WITHOUT FACING IT? I just have to reach behind me!"

Mewtwo then decided to break the game mechanics and teleported upwards, grabbing the ledge from behind. "I AM NOT FOR DIE! YOU DIE!"

Captain Falcon jumped out of the background, launching himself at Mewtwo.

"Okay, I am for die! Don't punch me!" Mewtwo cowered, still holding the ledge. Popo walked over to Mewtwo and smashed his fingers with his hammer. "GAH!" Mewtwo fell off the side and was KOed.

"And that is that!" Ganondorf announced. "The winner is Popo, and he has to fight me now!" Ganondorf took his axe blade out of its sheath in Mario's chest cavity and stormed over to Popo. "DIE YOU ASS!" He slipped on some ice and tumbled passed Popo. Popo dashed over to him before he got up and wrapped his tether around the dark lord's neck, throwing him offstage and spiking him.

"That was great! You're all good opponents, we should fight again sometime!" Popo praised. Ganondorf flew back on the stage, neck twitching in anger.

"FUCKING SHIT ASSED DOUCHE FUCKER…"

"Wow a sentence of pure swear words," Giga Bowser commented. He dodged a bolt of lightning.


	31. Intelligent Exploding Packages

_Published December 20, 2008_

**_Monday October 15th: Week 7, Day 31_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared. Mario began to cry but Ganondorf tore out his tear ducts again. "HOW DID YOU GET THESE BACK?!"

Link hid his hookshot behind his back. Ganondorf began to pace at the front of the room. "COME IN!" he suddenly screamed and two people walked into the room: Ike and Olimar. "New students here, both wimps in need of training from Great King Ganondorf!"

"I hope that thou can become one of the friends whom I shall fight to protect," Ike greeted before Ganondorf slapped him with the flat side of his axe-blade.

"TALK NORMALLY! I recently found that someone slipping calming crap in my cereal, it made me nicer over last week. I normal now whores!" Ganondorf laughed maniacally.

"Whoa whoa, hold on a minute," Link began, "you've been _nicer_ than normal recently?"

"Much," Ganondorf fragmented. "Normal me is a hell of a lot crueler, observe!" He took out his machinegun that shot swords and pointed it at Pichu before firing. After several people and creatures were greatly impaled he put the weapon away.

"You have anger issues," Roy said.

"So do you."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP JIGGLYPUFF!"

"NO YELLING! ONLY I YELL!" Ganondorf roared, tasing Jigglypuff with his crossbow. "Now no reason to yell!" The Gerudo king gave Roy a pat on the head before walking over to the window, staring out into the sky for at least eight minutes.

Link poked Marth. "Why is he just standing there?" he asked the prince. Ganondorf jerked around and lunged at Link, strangling him while kneeing the Hylian in the gut. After Link was completely unconscious Ganondorf went back to staring out the window.

Bowser grabbed Roy and put him beside Ganondorf. "What do I do?" Roy asked before Bowser smacked him and pointed at Ganon. "Oh, uh, what are you doing Ganon old pal?"

"In a minute you will see what I was waiting for." He continued to stare.

Roy nodded slowly and backed away, returning to his seat. He then realized that there was an empty desk in the room, and everyone was here. "Who's-"

The door broke open and the room filled with exhaust fumes when Wario drove in on his motorcycle. "WAH-HA-HA!" He drove up onto Bowser's desk and launched into the air off the Koopa King's face.

"DIE!" Bowser shot a fire ball at the motorcycle which exploded, killing Kirby.

"Normal?" Pit wondered out loud.

"Normal," Pikachu confirmed.

Ganondorf breathed in his fresh air from the window while everyone choked on exhaust or burned from the explosion. A hand reached in the window and Nana climbed in, pulling Popo up with her. "What did we miss?" Popo asked.

"It seems like there is a lot of smoke, I'm quite glad we arrived late!" Nana exclaimed, sharing a high-five with Popo. Ganondorf ignored them.

"I'd like to introduce new people: Ike and Olimar, Wario!" Everyone ceased coughing for a moment to raise an eyebrow at Ganon's strange way of speaking.

Olimar looked like he was about to say something but paused, leaning toward a blue Pikmin and letting it whisper in his ear. "He says: 'We would like to say hello to you all, hoping that someday we can all be like brothers and sisters to one another'. I'll just say hi!"

Mewtwo warped the flaming motorcycle pieces out of the room. "I know about Wario and Olimar, but who's Ike?"

"I know Ike," Marth snapped, the two glaring at the other. "One of these days, one of these days…"

"Prepare yourself, you'll get no sympathy from me."

"We'll see little man, we will see."

"Oooo, a mystery!" Ganondorf chimed in. "I love solving mysteries, my methods are unbeatable!" He punched Marth in the side of the head. "WHAT SECRET?!"

"Our parents placed a wager upon me and he," Ike began. "Placed upon the peak of our castles was a flag, and should one side take it from the other then they would gain the other's kingdom."

"Good to know. So do you have anything to say Wario?"

Wario thought for a moment before sticking his hand in his pants, shitting on it, and running over to Mario. He tore Mario's pants off and shoved the human (if you could call Wario that) waste into his anal cavity. He then farted on Mario before pulling a motorcycle from no where and riding out the window. Well, until he bounced off the reinforced glass.

Ganondorf nodded slowly at this before burning his seal of approval onto Jigglypuff and pinning him on Wario.

"Ganon, what the hell is going to happen these next few months?" Mewtwo asked.

"Madness and obscene actions."

Out of no where a kid with blonde hair and a very vertical hairstyle walked in. "Who the fuck are you?!"

"I'm Lucas, starring in Mother 3!" he exclaimed.

"And what is Mother 3?" Ganondorf questioned, taking out his sword and stalking over to the child.

"A-a smash hit in Japan!"

"Do I look like I'm from Japan?" Ganondorf asked in an unnaturally sweet tone.

"You look like you were created by a raging madman," Marth pointed out and ducked expecting a thrown sword. Instead Ganondorf performed a vertical slice and nearly castrated him.

"I think ahead these days!"

"Hey, Ganondorf," Mario piped up, not sure if he would regret this. "I just realized that we have the same creator, we're like brothers!"

Gainindolf broke through the roof and landed on Mario's desk. "Did you come from my testicles? NO! THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!" He jumped back through the hole and launched across the sky, the force of going up knocking Mario into the window and breaking his skull.

"It's statements like that which get you killed," Ganondorf said, planting a coat of C4 on the plumber. He jumped toward the window as he detonated it but bounced off and was slightly burned by the explosion. "WHO PUT THOSE IN?!" Ganondorf opened the window.

"You already made the explosion, what could opening it do?" Mewtwo asked. Ganondorf suddenly charged at Ness and cut him to pieces before completely obliterating the remains with a magic explosion, using the window to save himself.

Ganon climbed back into the window. "You replaced by Lucas, no longer needed!"

"A simple 'Go home' would have worked!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

-Elsewhere-

"Come of Rayquaza!" Fox begged. "You're the only one who can naturally fly!"

"I'm not flying between planets because you want to go home!" Rayquaza responded. "Key factor being how I CAN'T BREATHE IN SPACE!"

Fox turned to Falco. "Looks like we need to find our Arwings," he said.

"Let's beat the crap out of Ganon and get him to tell where he hid them," Falco suggested.

"You couldn't beat up Jigglypuff if you tried, so stop suggesting that," Rayquaza told him.

"I can so beat up Jigglypuff, what do you take me for?" Rayquaza's tail reached into the building through a window and pulled out the still injured Jigglypuff.

"He's injured and I bet you won't be able to win," Rayquaza said before moving out of the way. Falco charged Jigglypuff, taking out his gun.

"Wha?" Jigglypuff noticed Falco and jumped into the air, landing on his face and falling asleep. Falco launched into the distance at Mach 3. Rayquaza held out his hand to signal that Fox should hand him money. Rayquaza had bet that Jigglypuff would beat Falco in less than 2 minutes. Fox had bet it would take over 5 minutes.

"You accept visa?"

"No. Money, now."

Slippy's Arwing rose up in the distance, piloted by Falco. "Let's see you handle this puffball!"

"Why are you in Slippy's?" Fox asked.

"It was shopping and no I will not refer to that hermaphrodite as he!" Falco boosted toward Jigglypuff, firing a Smart Bomb. Jigglypuff caught it before latching onto the Arwing and jumping to the top. He punched a hole in the windshield and throwing the bomb inside, creating a huge explosion.

Ganondorf watched from the window with Peach selling popcorn to him and the other spectators. "I like that explosion; I'm getting a bunch of those and making it a Brawl item!"

And that's why we have Smart Bombs in Super Smash Bros Brawl.


	32. Artistic Chaos

_Published February 8, 2009_

**_Tuesday October 16th: Week 7, Day 32_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "Wario, what is today's schedule?" Wario shoved his finger up his nose until he felt his brain and shrugged. "You were supposed to DO IT!" Wario pulled a disgusting… thing… out of his nose and flicked it in Mario's direction. "Oh who am I kidding, I can't stay mad at you…"

"Creepy," Snake stated. "Ganondorf appears to be bonding. I need to film this and put it on Youtube."

"Youtube is for bisexual retards," Giga Bowser said, waving it off.

"Whatever GigaKoopa81789." Giga Bowser glared at him. "Fox, give me a video camera so that I can do it."

"And what makes you think that I have one?" Fox asked.

"If it uses electricity then you have it, now toss me that camera phone," Snake said, threatening him with an RPG.

"Bah."

Ganondorf suddenly used his Wizard's Foot into the middle of the room to break up their conversation. This broke through the floor and he crashed into the room below. "Hello Petey."

"HI GANON! Want some pie?"

Marth stared down Ike who sat in his desk. "So you are this Ike I've been hearing about," he growled.

"Greetings. Willst thou allow me to be gifted with acquainting thee with I?" Ike asked nicely. Marth continued to stare him down.

"You… are this Ike."

"Yes, this has been established. I am Ike and thou art Marth."

"They told me that you would be bigger and better, but I see someone shorter and less awesome than me. What were they thinking?"

"I am sitting, of course I would appear- Did thee just flick thou hair?" Ike suddenly asked, giving Marth a strange look.

"DON'T JUDGE ME!" The people in the room stopped what they were doing to look at him. "I will stab whoever comments in the nuts, or I'll get the throat if they lack any nuts."

Fox turned off his recording device and played it. "I – lack – nuts." Fox grinned and nodded in satisfaction. Marth opened up Ganondorf's desk and pulled out his taserbow.

"You're getting more violent than Roy today," Giga Bowser pointed out before motioning to Roy. Roy had stabbed Jigglypuff on a stick and was turning him over an open flame. Marth shot part of the roof and it fell over Ganondorf's hole as he attempted to jump through it.

"That will give us a bit of time to talk."

"MARTH YOU FUCKING WHORE!"

"This brings me back to you Roy," Marth said. "Ganondorf put something in your head, just let us take it out already!"

"No, stay away from Royandolf!" Roy threw Jigglypuff at him and began to charge his Flare Blade. People around the room stared as he continued to charge it.

Ganondorf's fist broke through the floor and grabbed Link's leg. "PULL ME UP OR THIS COMES **OFF**!" the man screamed at Link. Link decided to comply and used his hookshot to pull Ganondorf into the room.

"Ganondorf, Royandolf is in trouble!" Roy warned as he continued to charge his attack.

"Do I look like I give a damn?" Ganondorf asked. "Since Wario wasn't able to make the schedule I'll do it off the top of my head. We will… go to… the… math room and… do… art."

"This is the math room," Game & Watch said.

"Step 1 done! MAKE ART!"

-11:21-

"STOP ART! I go around and look." Ganondorf took out a clipboard and looked at Link's painting. "What the hell is that? It's HIDEOUS!"

"That's Zelda."

Bowser leaned over and looked at it. "No, that's an unidentifiable scribble. You're bad at it."

"And what did you draw with those claws Bowser?" Link asked in a mocking tone.

"The blueprints for a new machine that can convert pollution into country music," Bowser said, holding up a large blue sheet of paper. "It actually works! But country is all we can make, there are limits."

"I HATE COUNTRY!" Ganondorf kicked Young Link out the window upon remembering the last time he heard country music. Link lunged out the nearest window to try to save him but crashed into the unbreakable one.

"Someone needs to destroy this thing!" He gave Snake a 20.

"It's a pleasure doing business." Snake took out his RPG and launched it at the window, but it ricocheted off, putting a hole in the chalkboard. Samus looked through, not wanting to ask. "This thing could break REX but not that stupid window?!"

"WAH HA HA HAAAA!" Wario laughed, but found himself unable to close his jaw. He forced it closed with his hands.

"Creepy…" muttered Snake.

"You should get checked that," Ganondorf told Wario who merely shrugged.

The King of Evil went back to judging their art, passing through most people and eventually reaching Luigi. "I tried-a to do my best!" Luigi said as Ganondorf looked at it.

"Let's see, it looks like DOG CRAP! I'm going to take this and sell it for money now." Ganondorf grabbed it, put his own name on it and hid it. "MAKE MORE ART AND SHOW IT TO ME LUIGI! Uh, so I can… hate it." He looked at Yoshi's. "The Venice Canals, nice… But you were supposed to DRAW GAININDOLF!" He cut Yoshi's art in half with a flaming chainsaw. "This was my last weapon that I ordered way back by the way, mail man eaten by whale for while."

"You never said that, Yoshi!" Yoshi protested. "Yoshi, nice chainsaw though."

"Well EVERYONE ELSE drew Gainindolf!" he motioned to every other picture in the room, all of which had a variation of Gainindolf on them.

"How the hell-" He threw Yoshi at the unbreakable window, breaking his skull.

"I haven't done that too long!"

"Uh, Ganon?" Ganon's head slowly creaked over to Pit, a deranged look covering his face. "How does drawing make us better at kicking each other's asses?"

"FOX!" Fox zipped over beside him.

"Yo."

"FOX could do all this shit like a pro, that why he best in Melee. He got worse over time, now he probably BAD!"

"Screw you," Fox said while playing Megaman on his cell phone.

"Point is, this helps fight better."

"Then why aren't you doing any of this?" Pit asked.

"BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOOOOOOW!" He kicked Pit in the face. "Anyone else have some questions on my reasons?!" He realized that everyone else was gone. "OH COME ON!" The Gerudo walked over to his desk and strapped his taser-bow to his hip and held his flaming chainsaw in his hands. "The hunt begins!" He jumped out a breakable window.

Snake Cyphered up to the window and hopped through. "Hey, prepubescent angel kid, what's going on?"

"I was distracting Ganondorf while everyone hid in the closet, then when he left they would come out and do crap until he comes back," Pit explained.

"HELP! GIGA BOWSER'S STUCK AND WE CAN'T BREATHE!" Link's voice screamed from inside. Pichu squeezed through the small crack in the doorway.

"Now help!" Link begged.

"Screw you guys, I'm freeeeee!" Pichu ran out the door laughing psychotically. They all heard him scream and suddenly fly through the wall due to a powerful blow. A man walked through the open doorway; it was Gainindolf.

"Hi Gainin," Snake greeted.

"FUCK OFF, MY SNAKE JUST DIED SO I'M PISSED!" He punched a hole in the chalkboard which, his fist ending up millimetres away from Samus' face.

"I need to stay away from this thing."

"Snake's dead, eh?" Pit confirmed. Suddenly Snake's codec activated.

"What, Snake dead?! Snake! SNAKE! SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"Dammit Colonel shut the fuck up!" He turned to Gainin. "In the battlefield, casualties are a given. You must learn to-" Gainindolf threw Pit at him, effectively stopping his sentence.

"This school, not battlefield! THAT…" He pointed to a floating platform in the distance. "…is Battlefield!"

"FRONT SMASH!" Ike screamed from inside the closet and everyone in front of him, including Giga Bowser, was launched out. "My apologies, I desired to get thoust out of my way."

Ganondorf broke through the ceiling. "I knew you were in here still!" Marth kicked out a piece of the broken floor that Ganondorf was standing on and he fell through. "Prepare to DIE!"

"Quick, use Bowser to reinforce the hole!" Marth ordered, but Bowser flipped him off in response. Ganondorf suddenly broke another hole in the roof and landed on top of Marth. "Wha- How did you…?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf kicked Marth in the head.

"Ha, that's what you get for wanting to hurt Royandolf!" Roy laughed, still charging his Flare Blade.


	33. A Difference of Methods

_Published April 30, 2009_

_**Wednesday October 17th: Week 7, Day 33**_

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared, brandishing his machine gun that shoots swords.

Mario sighed. "I'd cry but you have my tear ducts hanging over your fireplace."

Ganondorf walked out of the room. An Italian scream was heard and the king of evil returned with Dr. Mario's bloody tear ducts in his hands. He shoved them in Mario's eyes. "CRY! CRY IN THE FEAR OF BEING ALONE!" Ganondorf laughed at this until he grew bored.

"Have you taught any of these guys anything that would help them?" Giga Bowser asked.

"I'm already top tier, do I even have to be in this class?" Marth asked. "You're like mid, aren't you?"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!" Ganondorf kicked a desk out the window and tore the chalkboard off of the wall. Samus, who was sipping some green liquid from a teacup on the other side, ignored this.

"All right, I am telling you that tomorrow I will not be present." Link silently signaled that the party would be at his place to the others. "Tomorrow starts a very long and complicated process where-"

"It is thou hearing," Ike stated. "I have been requested to be a component of the jury."

"Hearing? For what?" Bowser knew that Ganondorf was some kind of deranged psychopath, but he wanted to hear what this was for.

"Eleven counts of theft, twenty-one counts of unsuccessful murder, four hundred and eighty-two counts of successful second degree murder, six thousand one hundred and fourteen counts of first degree murder, forty one counts of Gerudo-class murder – which was added specifically for me if I might add – on two separate occasions, thirty-six counts of grand theft auto-"

"How many cars do you need?" Pikachu asked, having not spoken for a while.

"NO QUESTIONS! As I saying, fifty-one counts of breaking and entering, nine counts of kidnapping, forty-seven thousand eight hundred and sixty-two counts of 'indecent exposure' – honestly, is it a crime for this magnificent being to show himself off?"

"Yes."

"SHUT UP PIKACHU! You're too talkative today. Three thousand and sixteen counts of possession, 90 percent of which were trafficking…" He noticed that they were staring at him. "I'M A FEW THOSAND YEARS OLD, I NEED _SOME_ PILLS! Two hundred and six counts of identity theft, seventy-five counts of hit and run seventy-six cases of hit, flipping them off, and fighting off the cops when they arrive, eighty-nine counts of cannibalism, sixteen thousand five hundred and ninety-six counts of assault, thirteen counts of accomplice in suicide, eight hundred and eighty-eight counts of disorderly conduct, one thousand, three hundred and thirty-seven counts of prostitution-"

"What type?" Pikachu asked him suspiciously.

"The more preferable one where I still money, I organize. Got me most of my fortune through that one. Fuck, I answered question! YOU DIE!"

Ganondorf tasered Pikachu, who enjoyed the electricity. Instead, he beat the rat into unconsciousness with the taser.

"Should we add another one to the assault case?" Link asked Marth.

"I don't think it matters at this point, he's screwed! Seriously, think of all those crimes and ask yourself: 'what jury would let him go'."

Ike was playing with a Rubik's Cube.

"Three hundred and eighteen counts of domestic violence, ten thousand four hundred and twenty-six counts of stalking, twenty-eleven counts of regicide, four hundred and eighty-one counts of credit fraud, fifty-one counts of insurance fraud, six hundred and four counts of bribery, and two hundred and eighty-four thousand two hundred and sixty-nine counts of arson. They missed a lot on that last one though," Ganondorf finished. "I'm glad they didn't go into war crimes… that would have been hectic."

"How can a single man be responsible for all of those crimes?" Game & Watch asked robotically.

"I'm kick ass, THAT'S HOW! Now, you'll be having a supply teacher while I'm gone."

"Samus?" Jigglypuff asked questioningly. That's right, you can do that.

"NO! Samus sucks ass." He ducked as a teacup flew over him and hit Yoshi in the face.

"It burns Yoshi!" Yoshi yelled as he fell to the ground.

"Were you saying that it burns you in third person, or was that your usual-"

"SHUT UP GAME & WATCH!"

"NO ONE IS ALLOWED TO TALK EXCEPT **MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE**!" The room was silenced at Ganondorf's roar. "Remember that I own all of you bitches! REMEMBER!"

"Not me," Samus stated calmly.

"Or me officially, but we're cohorts," Snake reminded.

"I sometimes wonder why I'm still here," Fox said to himself.

Falco cracked his knuckles.

"I'm supposed to be learning, but I think that you would learn more from me," Mewtwo telekinetically announced.

"I own _most_ of you bitches. But you all still bitches in my godly eyes. GODLY I SAY, **GODLY**!" He decided to get back on track. "Your replacement will be the one, the only, Petey Piranha!"

"Officially there is more than one Piranha Plant, and another is also likely to be-" Petey broke through the floor, crushing Game & Watch through some sort of deranged miracle.

"HAI GUYZ!" Petey roared. "It'll be great being with you all, we'll be best friends forever!"

"If you're only gone tomorrow, why is Petey here today?" Snake asked.

"He will be teaching today too, and I will correct what he do wrong! It'll be just like I'm here tomorrow, but I won't be here even though it feels like it. Imagine that I'm here watching, but don't for one second think that I'm actually here because I am not here despite the fact that you are imagining that I am here and that I would like to be here to torture you, that the first sign of retardation."

When Ganondorf finished he noticed that Luigi and Pichu were locked in cages. "Weegee picked his anus, and Pichu ate a Klondike bar. I WANT A KLONDIKE BAR!" He smashed the cages together.

"Remind me never to piss that guy off," Link whispered to Peach.

"Remind me never to let Ganondorf near me with a needle," Peach whispered to Link.

"It's a deal." They shook hands and left the room to create a contract and get a court to approve it. Everyone ignored the sudden absence.

"So… What am I teaching?" Petey asked. "You got a lesson plan?"

"FIRST MISTAKE! Writing plans lets students know what they're doing, encourages insolence! You must keep them on edge, never let their minds be at peace!" Ganondorf explained.

"I'll give you some real advice tomorrow," Mewtwo told Petey.

"Your advice sucks armadillo dick!"

"My advice is a lot better than yours. You just hit people and tell them to learn things. Remember when Pikachu painted that igloo? You punched him, impaled his children and told him to 'learn to learn better'." Ganondorf laughed merrily.

"Your advice is boring! You say to 'encourage' and 'explain what you want'," Ganon mocked in a baby tone. "I say to kick their ass if they not meet your standards, and mentally abuse them all. _Especially Mario_…" He grinned at the plumber.

"DON'T KILL ME! I'LL DO IT MYSELF IF YOU WANT!" Mario began to smash himself over the head with a golf club while pleading for Ganondorf to be merciful.

"Whose advice is better Petey?" Mewtwo asked.

"I like Ganon better because he gave me candy," Petey stated proudly.

"I understand that, but whose _methods_ are better?"

"JIGGLY! Want a peanut?"

"I'm not- Sure." He ate the peanut.

-Elsewhere-

"And do you hereby agree to remind Link not to irritate Petey Piranha should the situation call for this?"

"Yes."

"Then I now pronounce you man and wife."

"We aren't getting married, we're getting this contract approved," Link told the man.

"HUH?! But I thought that you were a gay couple trying to illegally marry yourselves so you can adopt a Korean love child!" the yelled, smashing his head off his desk.

"Where did you get ANY of that information from? We never said any of that!" Link asked, very, very confused.

Peach put her hand on Link's shoulder. "That is something that the world will never know. Now let's find someone saner to do this." Link nodded and they left the man. His secretary approached immediately afterwards.

"The gay Korean-loving couple is here for their illegal marriage," she told him.

"Right, THAT'S where I got that info from!"

Peach and Link exited the building to see an angered Captain Falcon. "This is not AWESOME, Captain Falcon doesn't like this at all."

"Hey Falcon, what's wrong?" Link asked.

"My lawyer is an unAWESOME douche bag, that's what! I'm suing like 200 people for using 'FALCON PUNCH' in AWESOME but illegal ways without giving me credit for the phrase."

"So what's the problem?" Peach asked.

"He seems to have the illegal gay Korean-loving couples at his highest priority, and runs out all the time to deal with them!" Captain Falcon noticed Peach and Link staring at him with their mouths hanging open. "I don't have to scream AWESOME in every sentence!"

Peach recovered first. "Oh, well… If you want, I could get Ganondorf to kill them all."

"That would be AWESOME, but I have my own methods… Link, I need your help! We're going to pose as a gay Korean-lovi-"

"Before you finish that," Link interrupted, "I have no desire to help with that. Use Peach, the guy thought that she was a guy too somehow, despite how she looks nothing like one."

"Thank you Link!"

"Shut up squeaky."

"Lick my anus."

-Simultaneously-

Wario shoved his hand into his nose and pulled out a piece of crap. "My senses… They speak to me! I'LL _SHIT_ DOWN THEIR _THROAT_!"

-Back with the trio-

Peach shivered. "I feel impending doom," she said.

"And I feel good!" Link broke out into song and dance. Suddenly Falcon, Peach, and many others joined him in their musical group version of _I Feel Good_, which lasted for several minutes. Afterwards the world became normal.

"That was scary, why did we do that?" Sonic asked.

"Where did you come from?" Link asked, not answering Sonic.

He paused. "I don't know!"

Link grinned. "Hey Falcon, I think I have a solution…"

-Seven minutes later-

Snake and Gainindolf entered the law firm dressed in strange clothing (Snake had overalls and lens-less glasses, and Gainindolf wore a tuxedo), requesting the weird lawyer to help them. "Hello, we are a gay couple interested in illegal marriage so that we can adopt a Korean love-child," Snake told him, glancing everywhere suspiciously.

"All right, may I have your names?" He reached into his drawer to take out a pen. Snake whipped out his handgun and pointed it at the man's face.

"I knew this was a trap! Where's Liquid keeping Metal Gear?!" Gainindolf pushed his gun down.

"Sorry about him," Gainindolf said in the most feminine voice he could. "He gets jumpy around normal members of society, he he he he he…" He giggled a bit.

"I thought you were a man…"

"ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY MASCULINITY?! I was once the king of a civilization made entirely of women!" Gainindolf took out a huge sword and broke the desk in half. "I WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!"

"Both of you, please calm down!" A bullet grazed his ear.

Crazy Hand smashed through the wall with Link, Captain Falcon, Peach, and Sonic on his back. "Part one complete, now let's kick his – hi you two – ass!" Link yelled, drawing his sword.

"Tell me where Metal Gear is!" Snake shed his peasant clothes and took out his Stinger missile launcher.

The lawyer laughed. "You fool! Metal Gear Iron is too far in development to be stopped now! Attempting to destroy it now will only result in your death."

"My life is irrelevant if it involves the destruction of that abomination before it is armed and ready to launch nuclear weaponry!"

"Okaythisisgettingtoodeepforme," Crazy Hand stated. "I'mgonnahavetobailbeforeIgetinvolvedinsomethinglikethis."

"Does your love for gay Korean love-child loving couples wanting illegal AWESOME marriages have anything to do with the AWESOME Metal Gear?" Captain Falcon asked. "'Cause that's what I'm here about."

"No, that's just a fetish of mine. Gets me in the mood to make love to my wife when I think about them."

"Creepy," Gainindolf interjected.

"Tell me where Liquid is keeping Metal Gear Iron!"

"My life means nothing in the grand scheme, kill me if you wish!" He began to laugh and then stopped suddenly. "What the hell am I talking about, I love life! Iron's in the bunker hidden underneath the town swimming pool."

"We have swimming pool here?! WHY WAS I NOT INFORMED?!" Gainindolf jumped out of the hole Crazy Hand made to fetch his swim shorts.

"Thank you for your co-operation, but for secrecy purposes I'll have to tranquilize you and get my associate to make you into a Pikmin." Olimar hopped through the hole in the wall and waved.

-Class-

"WRONG! When Kirby ask question, you shank him when everyone is looking to assert your dominance over the classroom!" Ganondorf had corrected Petey's mistake of answering Kirby's question.

"Or you could just answer his question," Mewtwo suggested.

"Or you can lock him in cage," Ganondorf also suggested. Petey liked this one much more and locked Kirby up. "I love manipulative."


	34. Hearing Metal Gear in the Boiler Room

_Updated May 5, 2009_

A lot of things were taking place in this chapter, so it turned out a lot longer than I expected. Oh well, not a bad thing after all!

* * *

_**Thursday October 18th: Week 7, Day 34**_

"CLASS HAS BEGUN! Wait, I think I did it wrong…" Petey attempted to scratch his head but ended up smacking himself with a cage. "Well, Ganny's having his hearing aid today, even though I told him that his hearing is pretty good."

"To each his own," Young Link said.

"His own what? HIS OWN _WHAT_?" Petey locked Young Link in a cage until he told him.

"Wait, if Ganondorf's going to a hearing then shouldn't he have been locked up yesterday?" Kirby asked.

Snake flew in the window with his cypher. "He told me that he had it covered with something. Now Gainin, I need your help to take out Metal Gear Iron. Where's Gainin?"

"He finally realized that he has no obligation to be here and went to go eat a convenient store," Link said.

"Well then you're coming instead."

"Can I come?" Young Link begged, but was smashed against the other cage.

-Jail-

Ganondorf broke the bars out of the cell window and hopped in. "Do they suspect?" he asked his imposter.

"No no no," Dedede said, wearing a red wig and black armour. "They think I'm you you you."

"This is going to get annoying and murderous very fast, so please leave," Ganondorf ordered. Dedede gave a salute and jumped out the window. Immediately afterwards some people came to take him to court for the hearing. The whole walk he was laughing, laughing, laughing…

Okay, Dedede isn't the narrator anymore.

Ganondorf and his lawyer, Meta Knight, were preparing their side of the story. "Before I tell you my plans, I would like to hear any ideas that you have," Meta Knight explained.

"I've narrowed down to three choices: Evil twin brother, Mario did it, and time paradox clone. I like all of them, and I think all will be believed," Ganondorf told him joyously.

"Those are the most retarded ideas I've ever heard… but all my things are crap, so we'll go with those." Meta Knight threw some folders with things like _Framed by the Irish_ and _Aliens made me crazy_ written on them. "So let's get the story straight. First, what is some incriminating evidence against you?"

"At least one eye witness per case, several for certain ones I'm proud of. DNA evidence as well, and people have film of my flipping them off while doing the crime."

"That rules out Mario from your options, we can't-"

"Trust me, it still work… First things first, how many can we bribe?" The jury consisted of Ike, Mr. Resetti, Wolf, a Goomba, Majora's Mask, and Zero-Two. "We can bribe the mammal and the mushroom, but I'm not sure about other ones."

"Bribery will get us in more trouble than we're already in."

Wolf was suddenly by their side. "Did I hear bribery? I must say that I am very, very interested."

"Sorry," Meta Knight said. "I'm against the whole bribery choice and think that we should try-"

"What's the matter, scared?" He was given plenty of money.

Meta Knight was surprised that it actually worked but decided it didn't matter. "At least now we'll have a hung jury at the worst, so things are good no matter what." The duo high-fived. They discussed a few more details over the next few minutes until it was time for the hearing to begin.

The members of the jury were talking with each other. "So do any of thee believe those crimes to have been committed by Ganondorf?" Ike asked the other members of the jury.

"He has killed Swirly, my goldfish, in one of his credit scams," Majora hissed. "I will see to it that he suffers.

"How the heck did he do that?" Wolf asked, genuinely confused.

"It is a very lengthy and aggravating story, I will go into detail later. For now all you need to know is that an anime convention, a copy of Metroid Fusion and some irate Amish were involved."

"That just added more questions!"

"EVERYTHING BEGINS NOW!" Judge Knuckle Joe screamed. "All who oppose can go and get fisted in the ass!"

-Class-

"Okai, so… suggestions are accepted!" Petey roared.

"Let's go home," Marth suggested. "We've been here for hours and you haven't done anything except torture Young Link."

"How about one of us distracts him while the others escape," Jigglypuff suggested to Pikachu. "We just need to find someone no one likes…" Their gaze shifted to Giga Bowser, but he flipped them off and just walked out. "All right, he's out…"

"I have a suggestion, Yoshi!" Yoshi exclaimed to Petey a few minutes later.

"What is it my hairy friend?"

"Yoshi's a lizard, not hairy."

"You'll be what I tell you to be!" He locked Yoshi in the other cage.

"That failed miserably," Pikachu stated. "What's plan B?"

"We get Kirby to kick him in the face. I didn't think up a plan B you douche!" Jigglypuff punched Pikachu in the side of the head and ran into a corner, crying.

Roy walked up to Petey. "You could make them all fight to the death on the roof of the school," he suggested.

"I like, I like. NEW PLAN! All of you fight to death in boiler room! Losers get eaten by me!" He trapped everyone in his cages and threw them all into the boiler room in the school basement. Down there they found Sonic eating a sandwich.

"I like privacy," he told them all.

Outside, Petey was humming loudly without a distinguishable tune, Young Link and Yoshi still in his cages. "At least we don't have to fight to the death, Yoshi!" Yoshi pointed out.

Their cages were crashed together. "We also have to go through that."

Petey vomited ink all over them.

"And that."

-Elsewhere-

Snake kicked down a door and stormed in with his Stinger out. "LIQUID!" The random people all stared at him, terrified. Link walked in after him.

"Dave, this is the fourth building. He said underground, didn't he? We should check _under_ the buildings."

"Don't call me by my real name. Ever. And fine, we can check underneath instead of just inside." Snake pointed his Stinger at the middle of the room, fired, and blew a hole in the floor. "It's a secret chamber!"

"That's the basement, we keep the monkeys down there," a random civilian said. "You're looking for building 6, they have the secret illegal projects in their basement."

"Thank you. Dave, let's go." Link and the irritated Snake went to building 6 and repeated the procedure, this time finding an actual secret facility.

"Here we are, the storage for Metal Gear Iron," Snake said. "Inside is probably the most dangerous place you'll go to, we have to be sneaky. Ready?"

"If I could get through Stone Tower, I can get through here."

"Point taken. Let's move."

Snake entered the facility and instantly grabbed a man and pointed his gun to his head. "Tell me where Metal Gear is!"

"I know nothing!" he screamed. "I'm just the sandwich man!" Up against the wall was a cart with a smiling sandwich on. "You let me live, and you get half off for life!"

"We have a deal." Snake let him go and the trio took a sandwich break.

-Court-

"We have substantial evidence that a time paradox was recently created during a meeting of the Falcon and Warlock punches," Meta Knight explained. "During this, it is safe to assume that time paradox clones of the parties involved were created.

"Several eye witnesses exist, but most seem to have vanished so we'll go with who we have. I would like to call Ridley Scoot to the stand."

Ridley flew over to the stand and easily crushed it. He perched on the remains like a hawk, staring down the spectators. The space dragon subtly farted in their direction.

"Ridley, you were present for the time paradox, correct?"

"Yes I was, so was Kraid but don't you dare question him on the matter! I am warning you, you will regret it!" Ridley warned.

"All right, we won't call Kraid. So did you see a time paradox clone be created?"

"I didn't even see the fight, I was busy checking out Sssssssssssssertain people. Certain people. Anyway, there was a big light and suddenly everything that existed was destroyed. For some strange reason I was in Taco Bell for my brief period of death before Tabuu revived us all. I'm pretty sure that Ganondorf killed Mario right afterwards."

"Are you sure that it wasn't his time paradox clone that killed Mario?" Meta Knight questioned.

"No, it was definitely me," Ganondorf added. Meta Knight mentally kicked him in the shin and continued.

"SILENCE IN MY COURT!" Knuckle Joe screamed, suddenly in Ganon's face, before returning to his pedestal. "Do not make me zap the cage!"

"Cage? What cage?"

A cage containing a foaming Gainindolf was lowered from the roof. "We have your father, and any stupid actions will be taken out on him."

"How the fuck did you get him in a cage?! I've been trying to do that for decades!"

"We put a Twinkie in a badly disguised cage. I'm starting to doubt that this will actually be leverage though…" Knuckle Joe released Gainindolf from the cage.

"NO! I would have paid you!"

"Moving on," Meta Knight loudly announced, "you can confirm that a time paradox did happen, Ridley."

"Not really, it seemed more like an explosion that-"

"CONFIRM!"

"Fine, fine, a time paradox happened." Meta Knight nodded happily. "But it was a small one."

"You just don't know when to…"

"SILENCE IN MY COURT!" Knuckle Joe threw his gavel at Meta Knight.

"But we're supposed to be talking!" Meta Knight countered.

"Then talk! But be silent as you do it…"

Meta Knight decided to pretend that this incident had ever happened. "So we have confirmed that there was a time paradox. I had finished this part of my case."

The opposing lawyer, Porky, sauntered over to Ridley. "Ridley," he coughed. "Did a time paradox really happen?"

"Sure, why not."

"I would like a straight yes or no answer," Porky coughed in retort.

"And I would like to be rich and famous, but that ain't happening," Ridley responded.

"Request to do something to the witness?" Porky coughed in question to Knuckle Joe. He nodded. Porky did something! Ridley was in a lot of pain, but ignored it. "Now from what I can tell, there was no time paradox as we do not have a reliable witness. Ridley was paying attention to certain people and not the battle at hand."

"Yes, I was kind of thrown into a huge chamber filled with lava while tied up, so it didn't work out too well," Ridley added.

"I would like to call in another witness, one Captain Douglas Falcon!" Porky announced, coughing the whole time.

"FALCON KICK!" Captain Falcon landed in the witness seat, knocking Ridley out of it. "The AWESOME Captain Falcon has entered the fray! Show me ya moves!"

"Hello Captain Falcon, you were present for the battle between yourself and Ganondorf in the Brinstar Depths, correct?"

"Duh! I made a documentary on it!" He took out a DVD. "Want to watch?"

"Let's."

A TV was brought into the room, and the DVD was put in. It started with a snowstorm, and Falcon's voice suddenly spoke. "It was a cold night, so cold that the thermometer was below zero! There was some white stuff falling from the sky, and this scared me so I FALCON PUNCHed all the snow!"

"I think this is the wrong one," Porky coughed.

"No, it'll get there."

"I craved tacos all of a sudden. I believe it was probably due to my pregnancy, and I don't give a damn what they say about how impossible it is!"

"But you're just hungry!" a voice said from the background.

"FALCON KNEE! Now where was I? Right, I was eating tacos when I met my arch nemesis: Richard Cowlicker! He was a short man, who I'm pretty sure was King Dedede, but my sight had never lied before! Aside from that time twenty minutes ago where I ate a cactus instead of a sandwich, but that was irrelevant…"

-Underground-

"Those were good sandwiches," Snake said. "But we'll be off." He and Link got a few steps away before they felt hungry for sandwiches. "What is this bullshit?"

"You fell victim to my sandwich drugs!" the sandwich man exclaimed. "Intruders eat them, and they'll never get enough. They'll soon eat and eat until they explode!"

"It's more probable for the person to throw up than blow up," Snake said.

"You shut up. The point is that you're trapped, and there's nothing you can-" The stand, owner, and sandwiches were all blown up with a nikita missile.

"Douchebag," Link said, handing Snake's gun back.

-Court, nearly an hour later-

"…soon I found Bobo and brought him back, becoming the King of New Mexico! Of course, this was only a temporary fixation, for the area was invaded by Fascist aliens!"

"Can we stop this yet?" Meta Knight asked, falling asleep on his documents.

"Not yet, it's nearly done the AWESOME prologue! You don't want to miss the AWESOME start of scene one, do you?" Captain Falcon asked, his question becoming a threat at the end.

"No… No… Of course… not…" He fell asleep.

"But once the turkey vultures were satisfied, I realized… they blew it up! Those damn, dirty deer! So I slaughtered their children."

-The boiler room-

"So are we actually going to fight?" Rayquaza asked. "Because I think that I'd kick all of your asses."

"Is that a challenge?" Marth unsheathed his sword.

"AH ooo ooo AH AH ooo! (Let's not go crazy here!)" Donkey Kong said, trying to calm everyone.

"All in favour of gutting the monkey first?" Roy asked, and was answered with a whole bunch of 'AYE's, and two 'NAY's. DK and Lucas.

"That's all on two, let's get 'em!" The boiler room turned out to be quite large, for they were led on a long and dangerous chase. The group crossed chasms and pits infested with rabbits, but it was all worth it when they caught up to the two… or not.

Lucas was spamming PK Fire to keep them all from getting any closer. Donkey Kong was also smashing the ground a lot to create shockwaves and keep them away.

"We need someone good in the air to get passed," Bowser said. He looked over at Jigglypuff and Kirby. Jigglypuff used Rollout to get away, but Kirby wasn't so fortunate and was grabbed by Bowser. "Go over there, and think of something! I don't care what, just either kill them or get them to stop!"

Kirby thought for a moment, and then ate Rayquaza to steal his power. The Pokémon wasn't too happy with this. Kirby blasted them with a huge ball of lightning.

"Impressive… Now bathe my feet in hot dog grease."

"Isn't that uncom-"

"DO IT!"

Kirby began to wash Bowser's feet. "Bowser, I don't think that this is for the good of the class," Peach said.

"Of course not, but I haven't had someone wash my feet in so long! That stupid Goomba is out somewhere."

-Court-

The Goomba was playing blackjack with Wolf while Captain Falcon's move still played.

"Scene two: Meeting the pope of Fiji. I was playing Metroid Prime, when suddenly I found a message in a bottle! It read 'Save the people of Fiji, Superman'. Oh course by Superman they obviously meant me, so I was off!"

"I'm surprised you haven't said awesome yet," Meta Knight murmured.

"My AWESOME editor took them out for some unAWESOME reason…"

"It tripled the running time!" a voice yelled from the audience.

"Can we get on with the case? Or at least fast forward to the relevant part?" Porky coughed, irritated. Captain Falcon scowled and did so, bringing them to Falcon and Dedede dressed as Ganondorf on Brinstar Depths.

"GO GANONDORF!" Kraid yelled from the back of their room. "Wait, go Falcon!"

"It's an AWESOME film, not happening right now," Captain Falcon told him. "And you were there!"

Kraid saw himself in the background watching. "IMPOSTER!" It took a half hour to restrain him so that they could watch.

"We fight now!" Dedede exclaimed in the movie.

"I concur! FALCON… PUNCH!"

"WILSON… PUNCH!" A badly inserted explosion covered the screen.

Captain Falcon's voice announced: "And that's how I saved Christmas!"

"That was fucking terrible!" Ganondorf yelled. "I'll give it an 83 percent in my newspaper column because I was in!"

Meta Knight stood up. "As you can tell, we have given substantial evidence that a time paradox did happen and Ganondorf cannot be blamed," he said to Knuckle Joe.

"Your main court trial will be on Tuesday."

"Fuck."

-Underground-

"I'm hungry, you got any sandwiches?" Link asked Snake.

"For the last time, no!" He snapped a man's neck. "Gainindolf never talked this much…"

"Here we go about Gainindolf again."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

"You talk about him all the time, and compare me to him! You won't give me a chance unless you stop thinking about Gainindolf and realize that I'm a different person!"

"Well you won't shut up about sandwiches."

"I have my own needs! Just accept me Dave!"

"Okay this conversation is turning homosexual fast, so want to go capture some guards and duck them in the toilet?" Snake asked.

"Oh yeah!"


	35. The Mysterious 4:30 Guest

_Published July 5, 2009_

**_Friday October 19th: Week 7, Day 35_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "Now where the fuck is everyone?!" The only people in the room were Mewtwo, Giga Bowser, Yoshi, Young Link, and Wario.

"Petey didn't let them out of the boiler room," Mewtwo stated telepathically. "I just teleported out before things got crazy. DK and Lucas may be dead, but I'm not sure."

"Is that what happened after I left?" Giga Bowser asked, though it was more to himself than the other occupants of the room. "I don't give a damn."

Ganondorf, Mewtwo, and Wario all went to the boiler room to find Petey sleeping outside. His cages appeared to have been gnawed through. "Mmmm… Come here Sam so I can say hi…" He snorted in his sleep. The trio decided that it would be better if no one woke him up.

Once they entered the boiler room, everything became very messy. Many huts had been set up, as well as a campfire and a throne made from what looked like gorilla bones. Bowser was sitting in the throne with a bored expression. He kicked the passing Pichu into the fire for no real reason other than personal amusement.

"Good job, I teach you well!" Ganondorf proclaimed.

"Wasn't I created first?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" He threw Wario at the Koopa King. Wario farted on impact and Bowser nearly died instantly, but managed to survive by lighting the gas on fire. Half of their camp was destroyed.

"That voice…" Mario whispered. "That alienating, malevolent voice…" He fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…"

"The other half are on the other side of the isla- room," Bowser explained. "We split into two tribes, mine is the more vicious one. We recently raided them and didn't do anything except scare the crap out of them. It was awesome… until one actually crapped themselves. We left when that happened."

"You did that in one night?" Mewtwo asked.

"Aye, we've also created guidelines and a lifestyle, though since they got the only girl we don't expect to live beyond a generation."

"I think you're getting too into this."

"Well we're bored, what do you expect us to do?"

"Break down the door, possibly? It was really weak from what we could tell."

"Well Rayquaza didn't feel like it, and everyone else got depressed when Peach went to the other tribe, so no one's up for it. We won't let them close to it anyway, so nothing's really progressing."

"You all suck at this."

They saw that Ganondorf had dragged most of the students back to class at this point. "I don't think I can live in normal society again man," Falco said to Marth. "It's been too long! TOO LONG!"

"It wasn't even eighteen hours."

"BOTH OF YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! My court case going just as planned, so normal day! But what shall I teach you…"

"How to dissect something?" Roy suggested.

"Perfect!" He decapitated Mario on the spot and threw him on the desk. With a large sword he slashed him open. "THIS IS THE STOMACH! Because he's an Italian stereotype, it's fat!"

Everyone leaned over. "I never knew Mario was made of chocolate…" Everyone then stared at Jigglypuff for a moment. He backed off, narrowly avoiding a shot that was aimed at him.

Ganondorf was about to say something when a moose broke through the ceiling and stomped on him, kicking him through the chalkboard. The dark lord landed in a sink of Samus' classroom. "I told you to watch out for the moose," she said.

"THAT WAS DAYS AGO!" He returned to his classroom, ignoring the moose that was now sitting in the corner. Giga Bowser was scratching it behind the ear, resulting in it purring… wait, what? "MOVING ON FROM THIS MADNESS…" He tore the top off of Mario's head. "Lack of brain implies stupidity. MARIO IS STUPID!"

"Did you just… eat… the… brain?" Fox spoke suddenly, having seen Ganondorf's not so subtle movement.

"No, no brain in there to begin with! DO NOT QUESTION ME!" He licked some of the brain fluids going down his chin with a surprisingly long, and forked, tongue.

Zelda entered the room with Donkey Kong, Lucas, and Dr. Mario. "I found the skeletons of these three in the boiler room, any explanations?" she asked.

"Petey." That somehow managed to explain the whole situation. "Why you in boiler room?"

"That's just where I go to offer sacrifices and drape the walls with the skins of my enemies, it's a daily thing. Think nothing of it."

"I guess you learn something new every day… WARIO, GRAB NEW GUY!" Wario reached inside of his ass and managed to pull Lucario out, throwing him onto the ground.

"WAH HA HA!" he laughed, enjoying Lucario's misfortune.

"That was… the most disgusting… experience of my life," Lucario gasped as he coughed up something that he wasn't too keen on discovering the origins of. "Why did… he have to do… that?"

"He did not, it was just funny. Lucario, meet CLASS! Class, meet LUCARIO! He is a dog, so ignore him if he pisses in random places, sniffs your ass, or humps your leg."

"I am not… going to do… those you jackass."

Ganondorf picked him up by the earlobes and threw Lucario against the wall. "STOP! PAUSING!"

"Why is he being introduced midway through class?" Kirby asked. "Shouldn't this have been done at-"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf uncorked a vial and held it in front of Kirby's nose. His head exploded from the inhalation of Wario's ass fumes.

While this had been happening, Bowser quietly made his way to Mario's body as Ganondorf became the centre of attention. He pulled out a needle and took a blood sample from the temporarily deceased plumber. "Perfect."

He sat back down beside Giga Bowser. "The only one who didn't see you was Mario, and he's dead."

"What are you talking about? I didn't do anything!"

"Yes you did, and if you deny it then you're dumb."

"Uncle Giga Bowser, you're a poo head!"

"Well you're a meany!"

"You're stupid!"

"You're made of pee!"

"I'm rubber you're glue, whatever you say bounces off me and sticks to you!"

"Go fuck yourself in the deepest most terrifying parts of a disease ridden hell bath you pile of retarded shit!"

The room went quiet, the inhabitants staring at Giga Bowser for a moment before going back to their normal activities. Ganondorf gave him a few claps for the insult before adding that he should have said something about being a eunuch. He then returned to his lecture on how science was invented.

"In 1841, after Pokémon trainer Silver announced that the cake was a lie, several people conducted studies to see if this was true. Toucan Sam, Santa Clause, Crazy Hand, and Beethoven joined forces to stop these people and engaged in large war with them. Toucan Sam was lost in crossfire, Crazy Hand got sidetracked when cow jumped over the moon, and Santa surrendered. This moment, May 18th, was known as Science Day.

"Two years later, on Science Day, Beethoven returned to extract vengeance for his fallen and retarded comrades. He summoned Groudon, lord of all that is his property, and they kicked ass. This was known as Science Day Massacre.

"Fourteen years later, science was invented. They called it science because it happened on Science Day. HAPPY END!" He kneed Yoshi in the testicles.

"Why Yoshi, Yoshi!" Yoshi groaned.

"I want all of you to write twenty metre report on Science Day and the events that led up to science! DUE MONDAY!"

"How do we write a twenty _metre_ re-"

"**DUE MONDAY!**" Roy hit Marth with his now fully charged Flare Blade.

"Good job Roy."

"Thank you Royandolf!"

"I Ganondorf."

"Oh, sorry. Your voices just sound so similar."

-Later that day-

Bowser entered his castle after a long, forced day at the school. "Hi dad, how was school?" Bowser Jr. asked.

"Ganondorf ate Mario's brain and then held Pichu's pet scuba diver hostage. They had this huge battle that Pichu nearly won until Ganondorf snapped his neck. How was your new job, son?"

"A bit dull, but it brings the cash in," Bowser Jr. replied. "The enslaved Koopalings are making dinner already."

"Good, but I have something else of importance. I finally got that blood sample of Mario that I had been seeking since the Paper Mario sequel. Now I can start Project X, and create the ultimate weapon!" He laughed maniacally.

"Couldn't you give it a better name? X is so overused."

"Fine, Project Scissors, happy?" Bowser growled, his laughing moment now ruined. "I will be in the lab if you need me."

"You spend way too much time in that lab if you ask me!" Bowser Jr. said as Bowser Sr. descended a staircase.

"You're my son, you came out of my nuts! Stop talking like you're one of my parents! Remember what happened to them?" Bowser made them look elderly, drugged them until they were crazy, and threw them in a retirement home. "If you don't want to end up the same way then I suggest you make me a bowl of pancake mix."

With that, Bowser entered his lab to proceed with Project Scissors.

-Elsewhere-

Inside of a large manor, Knuckle Joe sat on his couch with a glass of tequila and the complete works of Edgar Allen Poe while watching Animaniacs. "That silly Brain," he laughed.

The doorbell rang. Wondering who it could be at this hour, he grabbed his intercom and asked "Who are you to come here at this hour?"

"But it's 4:30, this is a normal time!"

"ANIMANIACS IS ON! DO NOT INTERRUPT ME!" Knuckle Joe punched the visitor in the face through the intercom.

"Can I just talk to you already?!"

"Fine, fine! But it better be important or I'll shove my fist so far up your ass that-"

"I get it, I get it. What I have come to discuss involves the Ganondorf vs. everyone case that you are currently in charge of. I have some new… evidence."

"Is this Ganondorf coming to kill me?"

"No, I'm not even human shaped. That's a security camera there, can't you see me through it? I'm not really hiding my appearance."

"FUCK CAMERAS! The screen had some static on it so I shoved my fist through it!" Knuckle Joe screamed, punching a hole through the intercom. "Dammit, why does everything expensive get punched?" Tears fell from his eyes as Knuckle Joe curled up on his couch, his television switching to an infomercial to calm his nerves.

The visitor sighed in annoyance. "I'll come back tomorrow."

* * *

It originally was going to be Ganondorf at the end, but then I realized that I could make a sub plot! Who is this mysterious visitor? Will Knuckle Joe ever listen? What happened to Snake and Link? Only I will tell.


	36. When Brothers Meet

_Published August 12, 2009_

**_Monday October 22th: Week 8, Day 36_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed. "So how was your weekend Yoshi?"

Yoshi dropped to the floor and crawled under his desk, whimpering in fear. "I guess that you got my package in the mail. How did you like the chicken wings?"

"Did you send Yoshi fully feathered chicken wings?" Marth asked, highly suspicious.

"No I did not. They were breaded and cooked, fully edible. I had some myself. There was just a note that said 'I will eat your face with a white hot spork', he's just overreacting." Ganondorf shook his head, clearly disappointed in Yoshi. "Tomorrow is main trial, so I happy about it! You shouldn't be Mario…"

"What did you do?"

"You will find out soon enough my overweight plumber nemesis…"

Fox was messing around with one of his many electronic devices. "I wonder if I could record Ganondorf laughing and warp it into crying somehow," he said to Rayquaza. "Wouldn't it be awesome to have a recording of Ganondorf crying?" He turned to the King of Evil. "Hey Ganon, can you laugh for me?"

"I will not laugh on request like some kind of trained bear! I only laugh in suitable situations so do not order me around you skinny hamburger-born Greek!" Ganondorf roared. "**Do not push me!**" He kicked Yoshi's desk over and began to strangle Yoshi.

The anthropomorphic mammal frowned. "Snake, how would you like to make a dollar?" He heard no response. "Snake? SNAKE? SNAAAAAAAAA-"

A brick clubbed Fox between the eyes. A note with "Shut up" written on it was attached.

"Son of a… where is Snake anyway?"

-Underground-

Link collapsed, falling flat on his face. He could taste the dirt which lay on the metallic silver floor. "Snake… We've been here for days. Why can't we just go? Why can't _I _just go?"

Snake was crawling on the floor ahead, feeling the floor. "I like to have someone to talk to while I'm on missions. I lost my codec gambling, so you'll have to do." He found a hole in the floor and pulled up a trapdoor. "This must be the warehouse."

"You have no basis for that theory, it could just be a hooker storage! Why can't we LEAVE?!"

"You shut up, I'm always right in my assumptions." Snake dropped into the hole and Link wondered if now would be a good time to escape. Snake emerged moments later. "It's a warehouse full of hookers, I'm close enough."

-An alley-

Meta Knight dropped from the roof, seeing Wolf waiting in the shadows. "You're late."

"I'm not late," Meta Knight said. "I'm early! How long have you been here for…? Is that a couch? And a TV? And-"

"All right, I had some problems with my landlord and now I live here. I may have told her that I would eat her face and get Wario to crap down her throat, it's in the past and I'm sure mom will forgive me. So where is my cash?"

Meta Knight took out two sacks with money sign on it and handed them to Wolf.

"I assume that subtly isn't your strong point." Wolf took the sacks nonetheless. "I also assume that the case is not going so smoothly if you are resorting to bribing a member of the jury."

"You're a member of the jury, is it really that hard to answer that question?" Meta Knight asked. "I seriously don't think they'll believe that it was some sort of time paradox clone, or the Irish."

"You're going to blame the Irish?"

"I'm going to try. I may even say that he was brainwashed by purple elephants made of oranges from Jupiter. That's believable, right?"

"As believable as me, Wolf O'Donnell, still living with my mom. Now leave, the sports game that I'm betting all of this money on is starting," Wolf snapped, talking before Meta Knight could comment. Meta Knight decided that now would be a good time to leave.

As Wolf took a seat on his couch and turned on the television, a shadow entered the alley that he now lived in. "Wolf, you know why I'm here."

"Can this wait until after the game? I might be able to buy a mansion if these guys win!"

"You can spare four seconds to give it to me, it's pretty simple."

"If I take my eyes off for even a minute-"

"Dammit Wolf, NOTHING will happen if you give it to me! You won't even have to stop watching!"

"Fine, fine." Wolf reached into his jacket and threw the shadow a tape.

"I have no hands you asshole and I'm not gifted with psychic powers at the moment. You have to physically put it in my pocket."

"I'm watching the game."

The shadow decided to look at the television. "That's a battle reenactment you retard! Everyone knows who will win!"

"Everyone except the retard I'm betting against," Wolf interjected, grinning maniacally. "He thinks this is current! Look, that dead guy is taking out a water bottle."

"Who are you betting against?"

-Elsewhere-

"Sir, Samus wants to see you regarding-"

"Shut up!" Master Hand snapped. "If I win this money then I'll be able to retire from this piece of crap job teaching those little bastards."

"That's- I don't care anymore."

The Wire Frame exited the office. "Sorry Samus, he's… busy."

-Class-

"I'm getting low on ideas of what to do," Ganondorf said, stroking his chin. "I should grow a beard."

"I have some ideas!" Roy pulled out an overflowing binder, opening it to the first page. "Moveset training, teaching everyone to fly, cooking some Italian cuisine, play Diablo 2, study the PS3 for exploitable marketing flaws, buy a PS3 for Metal Gear Solid 4, find Snake, find Olimar, Ganonball, Falconball, Bowserball, develop a hilarious toilet flushing noise, and block out the sun… to name a few." He closed the binder and smiled, his face displaying extreme pride.

If Ganondorf was capable of crying he would have tears in his eyes. "You've come so far…" He opened his arms and he and Roy hugged each other… until Ganondorf broke a rib. "NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN DUE TO EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENTS! Royandolf taught you that a few days back while you were playing Jenga!" He let the pained Roy drop to the floor. "Nevertheless, those good ideas. Today we shall teach you all to fly."

On the roof, several characters were nervous. "Won't the fatalities add to your list of crimes?" Fox asked, hoping to get out of this.

"NO, I BRIBE SEVERAL PEOPLE!"

"Come on, flying's easy," Rayquaza encouraged as he slithered through the air. "You have to supercharge your brain and manipulate your body's electrons to repel against the ones lingering below you in the air, thus fighting gravity."

"Ignore giant snake Pokémon, he wrong! To fly, leap off high structure and will yourself to fly. If you have strong mind, YOU FLY. If you have weak mind, YOU DIE." Pit flapped his wings to fly. "Aside from those with bodily assistance. They assholes." He lifted up Luigi and Lucas, holding them over the edge.

"I'd feel better if we started on something smaller, and not a three story building," Lucas whimpered.

"It's not that-a scary," Luigi said.

"Listen to the Italian." Ganondorf dropped them both.

Lucas screamed as he fell, flailing his arms and eventually crashing into the ground. Luigi managed to land flawlessly by L-cancelling.

"Next up…" He picked up Sonic and Diddy. "…the obscure ones!"

"I'm not obscure, I'm just small-boned!" Sonic insisted.

"That make no sense. DROP!"

-Underground-

Snake snapped a guard's neck. "That's the first person we've encountered in hours, it means that more will be ahead."

"I'd like to live with your logic for one day, just to see how stupid things are." Link shook his head and continued forward in their journey. Snake hid the corpse in a locker before following cautiously. As Link had predicted, they did not encounter any more guards on their trip, at least until…

"METAL GEAR!" Snake suddenly yelled, pointing through a window to their left. Inside was a large machine with two legs and no arms. It had two jet engines on the sides and seemed to be fit for aerial combat. It looked threatening until one saw the missile launcher placed between its legs. Two shell carriers were attached to the missile launcher.

"Why does it look like Metal Gear Iron has a huge dick?" Link asked, more to himself.

"WHY DOES IT LOOK LIKE METAL GEAR IRON HAS A HUGE DICK?" a British voice yelled from the other side of a door near them.

"Well the upper part is filled with machines to assist in flight, so we had to put it somewhere out of the way-"

"So you put it _between its legs?!_" the voice screamed again. "It's the least threatening death machine I've ever seen!" He stormed out of the room, revealing himself as Liquid Snake to Link and Snake. "BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"Hello Link."

"Hello."

"BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHER!"

"LIQUID!"

"BROTHER!"

"SOLIDUS!"

"SISTER!"

"RAIDEN!"

"NANNY!"

"CHARLIE WAFFLES!"

"AUSTRALIA!"

"This is getting annoying," Link said, stepping in. "If there's going to be a climactic showdown then let's have it now, all right?"

Liquid laughed at him. "Why now? There's so much more fun to be had!" He jumped through the window and ran through another door.

"Well that was weird."

"Even though he's the genetically superior twin, I'm really glad I'm not him," Snake said. "He's too loopy."

"Why hasn't he been murdered yet?"

"Because I haven't reached that stage yet. I'm still slowly weakening him by poisoning his food and surgically removing his muscles while he sleeps," Snake said. "I could always just break his neck while he's singing crap in the shower, but that's too anticlimactic."

-Roof-

Ganondorf pondered on whom to throw off the roof next. The individuals left were Giga Bowser, Falco, Pichu, and Ike. "Idea! You all go off at once!" He grabbed Falco and Pichu with his hands and put Giga Bowser and Ike under his armpits. "Off you go!"

"I REGRET NOTHING!" Pichu yelled as he fell.

"Then I haven't been trying hard enough." Ganondorf pulled a few explosives out of his pocket.

"I REGRET SAYING THAT!"

Pit and Kirby flew over to the madman atop the school. "We can fly!" Kirby pointed out.

"Where Jigglypuff?"

"He went home, something about not caring anymore," Pit said. "I'm not sure why I haven't followed."

"That sneaky devil!" Kirby exclaimed. "He's going to raid my radish garden!" Kirby began to fly away, intent on stopping Jigglypuff's menacing scheme. Pit was speechless, and decided to go have a conversation with Giga Bowser.


	37. Trial of Error

_Published September 26, 2009_

**_Tuesday October 23rd: Week 8, Day 37_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed.

"Shouldn't you be in court?" Marth asked. "You know, that huge trial that has been led up to for several days? The one that will determine your future? The trial that-"

"I KNOW WHAT TRIAL IT IS! It the one that I bribed. All you will be coming to it, especially you Mario," Ganondorf added, eying the plumber with a retracted pupil and bloodshot eye, insanity present in copious amounts. The eyes of a madman, the eyes of a psycho, the eyes of a Gerudo King with two mothers that are siblings and a complex that causes him to repeatedly kidnap a princess for little to no reason aside from sheer enjoyment, the eyes of a run-on sentence…

"Can I bribe you to not bring me?" Mario whimpered.

"No amount of money will be able to compensate for the pleasure that this will give me."

Mario was both curious and terrified. "I'm-a fucked."

"Yes you are my pipe crawling nemesis."

"Isn't he _my _nemesis?" Bowser asked. "You know, we do have a multi-dozen adventure history."

"NO! MY GRUDGE IS MORE AWESOME!" Ganondorf screamed, picking up Yoshi and snapping his back on his knee. "GLAD FOR RANDOM VIOLENCE!"

-Court-

"COURT IS IN SESSION!" Knuckle Joe screamed, kicking Ridley in the jaw. "The accused is accused of doing too many things for me to go through, you do it Ridley!"

Ridley was rubbing his lower jaw. "I'm not even an official, why am I here?" the space dragon asked.

"Fine, no charges read, you know he did a lot anyway! Murder, tax fraud, public nudity, those kinds of things. Meta Knight is his lawyer and Porky is the lawyer for society. It is said that world peace was created, all countries got rid of their weapons and hugged, having a tea party even and joining together in order to team up against their common enemy: Ganondorf."

"I feel special."

"SILENCE IN MY COURT! First, Porky will go."

"Thank you," Porky coughed. "Ladies, gentlemen, and various indescribably horrific individuals, I am here to prove that Ganondorf is guilty beyond reasonable doubt of the crimes that have not been listed."

"OBJECTION!" a crazy looking man yelled, jumping out of his seat. "OBJECTIONY-JECTION!" Knuckle Joe put his fist up the man's ass and out his throat before the incident could continue.

"Continue."

"Thank you. Ganondorf's main defense is that a time paradox clone is doing all of this stuff for him. This is false, and I will show you why."

"OBJECTION!" Ganondorf yelled. "You're about to get someone else to say something!"

"Shut up for a minute. I call the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man to the stand!"

-Underground-

Snake kicked open the ventilation shaft's exit and dropped out. He landed behind a guard and grabbed him in a headlock. "Where's Liquid?!"

"Third door to the left!" the guard choked out before Snake knocked him unconscious.

Link opened the door that the guard had talked about to reveal Liquid Snake playing with a Superman action figure and a giant penguin doll. "'Oh no! This penguin is immune to all of my attacks!'" Liquid said in a deep voice. "'_Caw! Caw!_'" he added in a bird voice. "'I will have to call in some back up! Come Popeye!'"

Liquid grabbed a Popeye action figure from the floor. "'Ima kivickia yo aliass shithead!'" He kicked over the penguin with Popeye. "'Good job Popeye, the world is safe once more.'"

"The Clones of Big Boss," Link said heroically. "Don't you feel so proud to be near identical genetically?"

"Is that a Popeye action figure?!" Snake asked, shocked at his brother's possessions. "I can't believe that you got a hold of one of those!"

Link sighed. "Stupid Link, they're brothers, of course they'll both like Popeye."

-Court-

"Thank you Stay Puft Marshmallow Man," Porky coughed. "As you can tell, this evidence clearly shows that there is no time paradox clone of Ganondorf running around."

It was soon Meta Knight's turn. "Ladies, gentlemen, and Zero-Two, I am here to prove that my client is indeed innocent of all of the charges aside from the ones that he has openly admitted to."

"So four of them?" Wolf asked from the side.

"Yes. First, I would like to point out that Ganondorf is a very nice person, he would never… ha ha, ever do a bad thing to anyone else…" Meta Knight snorted, fighting to hold back the laughter that was building up. "He would never bring harm to or deceive another person unless they really deserved it."

"LIKE MOST OF SOCIETY!" Ganondorf screamed.

Meta Knight ignored that. "Would a face like this really do all of those things?" He gestured to Ganondorf's insane, twisted grin that promised an eternity of suffering. "Then again, some people aren't good with smiles. I call to the stand Lucario!"

Lucario walked to the stand, sitting down and scratching the back of his head with a foot. "Why am I here?"

"Lucario, you know Ganondorf, don't you?"

"Yes… I do."

"How well do you know Ganondorf?"

"Not very… We met very… recently."

"Stop using ellipses. Anyway, what is your first impression of Ganondorf?"

A red dot appeared on his head. "Is that… a sniper laser?"

"Yes. Now what is your opinion of Ganondorf?"

"Which side is pointing this at me?"

"I'm not sure. Now do you like or hate him?"

The dot lowered to right between his eyes. "Well… Um… He's a unique case… Ganondorf is a very complicated man… He has his ups and downs like any normal person… No person is completely good… Nor is any person completely bad… I myself once stole ketchup from a baby but donated it to charity… You see-" Lucario ducked as a bullet flew right where he had just been. "I say nothing!"

"PUSSY!" Ganondorf mocked from his seat.

"You aren't helping my case!" Meta Knight whispered angrily.

"Yes I am. I showing my openness and honesty," Ganondorf said. "By displaying this and saying that I no do stuff, I look innocent!"

"That _would _work in theory, but- Stop flipping off the judge!" Meta Knight slapped his hand down. "Leave the law stuff to me, okay? Just stay here, be quiet, and please get rid of that bucket full of feces before you do what I think you're going to do with it."

"What do you think I'll do with it?" Ganondorf asked innocently.

"Just do it!" He turned back to the judge and jury. "We have shown that Ganondorf is a nice, honest man who would never… lie… about… Okay I can't do this anymore. Ganondorf didn't do that stuff, and we have proven why."

Porky took his spot. "I call to the stand the god of the universe, Tabuu!"

"Will you make any points without others saying things?" Ganondorf yelled.

"No," Porky coughed. "Tabuu, are time paradox clones possible?"

"No."

"I rest my case."

Meta Knight leaned over to Ganondorf. "They aren't buying it, we need a new plan."

Ganondorf delved deep into thought before standing up. "They say they have pictures. They say they have eye witnesses. They say they have DNA evidence. They say they have voice recordings of me saying it. They say they have absolute proof, and that this trial is unnecessary. But do they know of my evil twin brother, Dorfongan? I say that it is him doing all of this."

"Are you changing your story randomly halfway through the trial?" Porky asked disbelievingly.

"Yes. I just remembered him, he not a very memorable person."

"How stupid do you think we are?"

"Well that's all a perspective matter," Ganondorf said. "In my perspective, you are very stupid."

In the seats, Mario was fidgeting. "He's going to do something, I know it."

"Oh calm down," Marth said. "It's not like he's going to take out his sword, lunge into the crowd and stab between your ribs. We're in public after all."

"I don't know," Roy added. "Remember that weekend in the grocery store where Ganondorf drowned Mario in laundry detergent at the checkout counter because his groceries went over $5.50?"

Mario ducked below his seat. "We need to fix you eventually," Marth muttered.

"I like him better than earlier in the year," Bowser said jovially.

"You like everyone better," Fox said as he was recording the whole trial on his cell phone. "You're just a big softy at heart, aren't ya?"

Bowser slugged him across the face and set Falco on fire. "Who's a softy now?!"

"Fuck you!" Falco screamed jumping up and trying to put his feathers out. Knuckle Joe was behind him in an instant.

"SYAY SEATED IN MY COURT!" Knuckle Joe delivered a missile punch to Falco's spine, crashing him into the far wall. "Continue your argument men."

"Doesn't the judge usually defuse random arguments like this?" Kirby asked as Ganondorf and Porky continued to yell at each other.

"SILENCE IN MY COURT!"

"Why are we ninety percent of the audience for this?" Pikachu asked as he noticed this.

"Does it really matter?" Giga Bowser said, uninterested. "No one cares, how's that for an answer?"

-Underground-

"LIQUID!"

"How do you like Metal Gear Iron, BROTHER?" Liquid mocked as he got into the cockpit of the giant dick-robot.

"Liquid, get out of that walking embarrassment!" Snake ordered. "You're insulting out blood just by being involved in it!"

"Shut up brother, soon you will see the true ferocity of Iron!"

"Isn't iron a metal that's easily melted and pretty fragile?" Link asked from the side.

"_This _is why I brought you. Let's go Liquid, we're ending this here and now!" Snake took out his Stinger missile launcher. "How are you even alive in the first place?"

-Court-

"My brother does so exist! Here's a picture of us!" Ganondorf held up a drawing of two Ganondorfs standing beside each other.

"That's a drawing," Porky coughed. "A preschooler's drawing if my eyes are correct."

"We have a low quality camera, stop make fun of my poor family!" Ganondorf snapped.

"You're a king."

"Of a desert. Yippee, hooray for me. I feel so gifted." Ganondorf set the drawing aflame with his mind, incinerating it almost instantly. "Why haven't I done that to Mario yet?"

"Stop scaring Mario! It's getting annoying!" Jigglypuff yelled from the stands. Knuckle Joe decided not to attack the puffball as he had the rule: never attack those that are shorter than Knuckle Joe.

"Scaring Mario is awesome!" Bowser interjected. "Watch, BOO!"

"That wasn't scary."

"It will be when I tear off your ears and force you to eat yourself until you disappear into nothing!" Bowser growled. Ganondorf gave him a blank stare before returning to the matter at hand.

"Dorfongan does exist! There he is now, look!"

"Hey hey hey, I'm Dorfganon!" King Dedede said as he wore black armour and a red afro wig.

"That's King Dedede in black armour and a red afro wig," Porky coughed.

"No it isn't," Knuckle Joe argued. "Can't you see the genetic resemblance to Ganon?"

Ganondorf sighed. "Very well. I had lying up until now."

Meta Knight smashed his masked face against the wall.

"However, there has been reason for what I have done. For you see, my actions, though very good to myself, were for another's sake. The sake of another person who I have been covering and keeping safe this whole time. He is very important to me, and I did not want anything to happen. However, it appears that the time for truth is at hand. I cannot cover for him any further. And so, it is time for the revealing. Mario did it."

"HUH?!"

"I wanted to keep my student safe, but I can't. Mario did all that crap, blame him, give him the punishment, execute him if you want. In fact, execute him even if don't want. All crimes was done by him."

"W-WHAT?! Come on, that's stupid!" Mario screamed.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU MURDEROUS NUDIST!" Knuckle Joe screamed. "Continue Ganondorf."

"Thank you Joseph. Mario did all crimes and thanks to Photoshop made look like it was me. He used Italian Plumber Witchcraft to make people think it was me who did those things. I tried to protect him as his teacher, but you saw through it. So take Mario and castrate him instead."

"There was no castration involved with you," Porky coughed.

"Well castrate him anyway. The point is that Mario did it. End of story." Ganondorf nodded to the jury and sat down, a blank look covering his face.

"I see. Well this is quite the twist. So it was Mario all along…" Porky was contemplating this new revelation.

"You can't seriously believe him!" Mario yelled indignantly when he saw that everyone was starting to blame him. "He's just saying 'I give up, let's just blame Mario'!"

"He brought in valid information," Knuckle Joe said.

"That I have Italian Plumber Witchcraft? That's-a load-a crap!"

"_Fireballs_!" Ganondorf coughed.

"He's right," Porky coughed. "Everything is pointing at _you _Mario!"

"_Nothing _is pointing at me!" Mario defended. "Isn't this all hearsay?"

"Well of course we're hearing him say it," Knuckle Joe told him. "Don't act like we're idiots, ass!"

"I like this guy," Roy said. Marth gave him thumbs up, not caring at all. "Seriously, we should invite him to this year's Halloween party!"

"You coming to my house in a cow suit with Tales of Vesperia and passing out on the floor doesn't count as a Halloween party," Marth told him.

"You found it fun though, you can't deny that!"

"Yes, I can deny that! I'm pretty sure that you stole my house's southern wall at one point during the night."

"Nuh-uh!"

While these two argued, another argument was taking place involving Mario, Ganondorf, Porky, and Knuckle Joe. "And so, Mario is completely to blame," Meta Knight finished. Yes, he was in the argument as well. "I rest my case."

"I object to everything!" Mario yelled. "I was with my brother the whole time, right Luigi?"

Luigi's arm was sticking out of Wario's ass, trying to claw at anything it could. It soon stopped moving.

"Hmm… That's bad."

"Enough chatter!" Knuckle Joe screamed, punching his chair in half. "Mario, I declare you guilty of all the crimes that Ganondorf has been-"

"Hold it!" Everyone turned to the door, aside from Giga Bowser and Wario who were laughing at what had happened to Luigi. Standing in the now open doorway was a silhouette, the light behind it making it impossible to make out the figure.

"How ya doing Arceus?" Pikachu asked happily. Drama ruined.

"Fine… I come with new news! I know that's redundant so don't say a fucking word Young Link!" Young Link closed his mouth.

"Why art thou here?" Ike asked. Marth glared at him.

"You… are Ike."

"Thee hast established ye point within the previous fortnight, now silence."

"Ike…"

"Ignoring Marth, I am here with some new evidence that I had gathered over the last few days," Arceus said, walking over to the main part of the courtroom with several piece of paper floating around it. "The reason I'm so late is because I kept hitting red lights on the drive. It was bad luck. Anyway, my agent went undercover and got me recordings and physical records of Ganondorf trying to bribe him while openly admitting his wrongdoings. I will not divulge his name for his own safety-"

"WOLF YOU FUCKING DOUCHEBAG! I FIXED YOUR PLUMBING!" Ganondorf screamed.

"After _you _broke it!" Wolf snapped.

"I am liking where this is going," Majora said maliciously. "Soon I will avenge you Swirly!"

"Art thee sure that 'twas Ganondorf that thy hast information covering?" Ike asked Arceus. "He is quite fine in my opinion."

"Here is the evidence," Arceus said as its psychic powers placed the evidence in front of Knuckle Joe.

"Everything brings me closer Swirly… Look it over quickly, I want to sentence this asshole!"

"This is very convincing evidence. But it doesn't explain why Mario did what he did!"

Arceus was momentarily lost for words. "I… I'm pretty sure that that was a lie."

"Really?!"

"NO! IT TRUTH! DO NOT QUESTION ME! Arceus what the fuck are you doing getting in on this?!"

"On October 12th, my dreams were destroyed when Rayquaza told me that I was not in Brawl. It was that day that I learned of the highest officers of smash: Giga Bowser, Samus, Captain Falcon, and YOU. You stopped me from getting my dream, so I decided to get my revenge on the four of you. I saw that you were going to court and decided to-"

"I DON'T CARE! Now that court case fucked for me, I glad I can be normal again. MARIO, DIE!" He unsheathed his sword, lunged into the crowd, and stabbed Mario between the ribs. "That was good."

"Apprehend him already!" Arceus snapped at Knuckle Joe.

"Someone apprehend him!" Knuckle Joe snapped at the man to his left.

"Apprehend Ganondorf!" he ordered into a door. The T-1000 walked out, ready for combat.

Suddenly, Metal Gear Iron burst through the floor under the T-1000, killing it. "BROTHER!"

"Liquid where the hell are you going?!"

"A courthouse by the looks of things."

Link hopped out of the whole and Metal Gear Iron began to rampage inside the courthouse. "I'm out! I'm finally out! Marth, it's good to see you again!"

"Oh yeah, Link was missing wasn't he?" Marth reminisced, though he didn't really care that much about Link.

"I've been missing for days, hasn't anyone gone out to look for me?!"

"Well, we still had Young Link so I just figured that in seven years he'll be able to replace you," Marth said. "So no big loss."

"Dammit this is all fucked up!" Arceus screamed, watching as Metal Gear Iron broke down a wall.

"Bah, I could fuck this up more than that thing!" Ganondorf broke down two walls, causing the building to crumble and soon crash down on everyone inside. "That is how to fuck up a court case!"

"Dammit Ganondorf, stop killing people!" Zelda snapped. She had gone to buy some ice cream just before Arceus had arrived. Ganondorf laughed happily.

"NO! I'll kill you for this!" Arceus screamed, throwing large portions of the stone ceiling to the side and rising into the air.

"BRING IT ON BITCH!" Ganondorf roared.

While this fight started, Giga Bowser was beating the crap out of Metal Gear Iron. He kicked the cannon crotch, bringing the machine to its knees. "How do you have trouble with these things, Snake?"

"Well, I'm generally not their size and capable of physically fighting them, so yeah…"

Pit snaked his way out of the rubble, standing up and brushing a few stones from his clothing. "I wonder if this is even worth it," he asked himself.

"Of course not," Fox said from his left, somehow completely unharmed. "But it's so funny if you don't actually get involved in things."

"How are you fine?"

"I used Rayquaza as a meat shield. He'll be pissed as hell at me soon, but I couldn't care less right now."

"That's-a good," Luigi said as he approached them.

"Now how did _you _survive?" Pit asked.

"Wario got crushed by a big rock and it ejected me fast enough to smash through all the rubble," Luigi explained. "I can barely see straight and I'm not sure if I still have arms, but it could be worse."

"WAH!" Wario burst up behind him and ate Luigi in one bite, not even chewing.

"Okay things are getting a wee bit chaotic, I'm going home," Pit said.

"NO LEAVING!" Ganondorf screamed as he grappled with Arceus. "TWO PERIODS LEFT, GO BACK TO CLASS!" He grabbed Arceus around the neck and flipped him over his shoulder.

"Okay I'm gone," Fox said, turning to walk away. Pit, Young Link, Popo, Nana, and Wario followed.

"Good luck with the fighting Ganondorf!" Popo cheered.

"FUCK OFF!"

"You're quite the people person," Mewtwo commented from the sidelines. He had to dodge a piece of courthouse rubble.

"How long do you guys think that fight will last?" Pit asked his group as they all left. Waio stuck his finger into his nose and showed Pit what he could pull out. "Charming."

"I hope Ganondorf's okay," Nana said. "He's been so nice to us and I wouldn't want him to get hurt."

"Do not fear, Ganondorf is quite tough. I am sure that he will be fine," Popo exclaimed. Pit nodded slowly. He always ended up with the weird ones.

Meanwhile, Snake and Liquid were yelling at each other as Giga Bowser sat on the remains of Metal Gear Iron. The yelling was getting really annoying. "Shut up you two!" He smacked Iron and the missile launcher fired, hitting Liquid as he stretched out his right arm to punch Snake. Liquid exploded, only leaving his arm.

Rayquaza groaned, rising from the rubble. When Fox saw him looking around he swore and quickly hid underneath the out cold Falco. "What the hell just happened…? Wait a minute… FOX!"

"Under me," Falco groaned.

"Traitor."

"I GOT YOUR YELLOW THING!" they heard Ganondorf scream. Rayquaza turned and saw Ganondorf running away with Arceus' left protruding yellow thing. Arceus was faster though and quickly catching up. The moment Rayquaza turned Fox dashed in the opposite direction.

Arceus head butted Ganondorf in the back, knocking him down. Ganon dropped the yellow thing and rolled as Arceus tried to stomp on his head. He grabbed the foot and pulled the Pokémon, unbalancing him. As Arceus' head dipped Ganondorf kicked him in the face as hard as he could.

Arceus threw Ganondorf back with mind powers, but Ganondorf managed to take out his sword as he got up. "This sword will go UP YOUR ARSE! HA! It's funny because you're ARSE-e-us!"

"It's ARC-e-us!"

"They did not release official pronunciation fast enough. I say it like that for two years, it too late to change!"

"Don't you remember me telling you how it was pronounced last year?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf charged, swinging his sword wildly. Arceus suddenly became ghost type, and Ganondorf swung right through him. He immediately switched to fighting and kicked the Lord of Evil in the chest. "THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS!"

Ganondorf took out a second sword and charged again, moving to the side to avoid a kick and slashing at Arceus' side. Arceus blocked it with his remaining yellow thing and deflected the sword to the ground. Ganondorf let go of the sword and immediately punched Arcues in the side of the neck and stabbed his side. Arceus quickly teleported a short distance to recuperate from the stab wound.

"This is quite the fight," Arceus growled.

"I HATE IT WHEN FIGHTS STOP AND FIGHTERS TALK FOR NO REASON!" Ganondorf began to fire balls of dark magic at Arceus.

"FUCK!" Arceus began to breathe fire, cancelling out the magic balls until Ganondorf took out his machinegun that shoots full-length swords. "Where the hell did you get that?!"

"Snake!" Ganondorf answered before he opened fire. Arceus jumped behind a tree stump, hiding for cover. A cell phone floated into the air and dialed a number on its own.

"Hubert, I need help!" Arceus exclaimed desperately.

"I'm not talking to you anymore after you referred Marth here." Hubert hung up the phone.

"Crap." Arceus noticed his yellow thing lying on the ground a short distance away. He quickly ran out from behind his cover and kicked the thing toward Ganondorf. It spun through the air and split the gun in half down the middle.

"I EAT YELLOW CRAP FOR BREAKFAST! Seriously, I'm keeping this for tomorrow."

"Oh, you won't need it tomorrow. I'm going to kill you today!"

Ganondorf chuckled. "If I had a nickel for every time someone wanted to kill me. I need to charge people for getting chance to fight Great Ganondorf. I'll be rich!"

"Enough talk, let's go!"

"Fuck you, I want ten dollars for fight!"

"You can't charge people for a fight to the death!"

"Can so!"

-Class-

Ganondorf slashed the door in half, trudging into the room with an ice pack on his side. "You will be happy to know that I was victorious! For the most part…"

"Why?" Marth asked suspiciously.

"I went into Ganon mode and ran over him because he would not pay me. I crashed into this school though and came in here because he wouldn't give me money, so battle kind of ended before it was done. I'll get him next time!"

"What makes you think he'll be back?" Marth asked again.

"They're always back," Snake said from directly behind him, scaring Marth. "You beat them once and it just makes them even angrier. You beat them again, and even kill them, but they will still find a way to come back a third time. The battlefield is a neverending cycle of death and life…"

"Would not the death and life cancel each other out and make it a cycle of nothing?" Game & Watch asked.

"I challenge you to a versus match."

"EVERYONE SHUT UP!" Ganondorf screamed. "The important thing is that I got off with no consequences, Mario is dead, and Arceus got run over by a giant bipedal boar. I declare this day HAPPY END!"

_The Arceus fight seemed to have a rushed ending, but there will be a round two..._


	38. Fun with Chemicals

_No way I'm leaving this inactive for two months, here's a chapter!_

_Also, Fanfiction has ruined Crazy Hand. It is deleting any words longer than a certain amount of letters, a small amount, which makes his long, rambling sentences not able to be uploaded fluently. Just imagine them without the random spaces, please.  
_

_Published November 25, 2009  
_

**_Wednesday October 24th: Week 8, Day 38_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, punching his desk in half. "MARIO, DON'T CRY!"

"I want to but I can't!" Mario cried, his dry tears falling to the ground.

"SHUT UP FUCK! Mini-adventure over, time to get back to teaching you all. My assistant has once again planned plans that I plan to plan… PLAN."

"No I didn't," Mewtwo interjected, floating over to him.

Wario smacked him out of the way with his ass and pulled a brown coated paper from an unknown location. "WAH-HA-HA!" Ganondorf nodded in satisfaction as he took the paper.

"Wario assistancing now, you assistance like CRAP!" Ganondorf screamed at Mewtwo. "He make good plans for me. Now I can put all my effort into thinking up torturous methods! Let's see what you have planned Wario…"

Mewtwo crossed his arms and glared at the evil king. "You can say 'torturous' but use 'assistancing'-"

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?!" Ganondorf swung his arm to grab Mewtwo by the throat, but found the legendary Pokémon no longer in that spot. "Bah."

As Ganondorf read Wario's heavily stained sheet, Link was talking to Young Link. "…So in four years, when she asks if you want some hot cocoa, _you do not want the hot cocoa_!" Link warned, a terrified expression rising onto his face. He shuddered, wiping a layer of sweat from his forehead. "Sorry, that's just… it's a very bad memory. And in five years-"

"Don't listen to Link," Bowser said, putting his arm around Young Link's shoulder and drawing him to the side. "Take future advice from this guy over here…"

"Next Wednesday when Ganondorf comes to you offering ice cream sandwich that blue and pulsating, EAT IT!" Ganondorf screamed with a fake moustache on his face. He then kicked Young Link through the roof and tore the moustache off. "We mess with chemical compounds this day. TO CHEMICAL ROOM!" He kicked open the door and signaled for them to follow.

After a brief walk down the hallway they found Samus was standing at the doorway to the room, preventing access. "No no no, _you_ are _not_ allowed near dangerous chemicals!" she protested.

"Chemicals are only dangerous when you force Mario to eat them. AWAY WITH YOU!" He walked in regardless of her protests, followed by the many students and those accompanying them. Samus growled and followed the group in. "First thing you need to know about chemicals is that they SMELL LIKE WARIO'S FARTS! So I wear nose mask, you all get stuck with crappy goggles to 'protect your eyes'!"

"Why isn't there any plastic on half of them?" Kirby asked, holding up his goggles' metal frame.

"I had to use plastic for Giga Bowser's goggles, blame HIM!"

Giga Bowser held up very poorly constructed super-goggles. "There's no way I'm wearing this thing."

Ganondorf pulled a random chemical off of the closest shelf and threw it into Giga Bowser's eyes. He roared as his hands flew to his eyes and he staggered back in pain. However, there was nothing behind him and he broke through the wall, falling down below. He landed a story below with a resounding thud. "And that why you wear FACE PROTECTION!" He put on a full face gas mask. "Nmm, whss msss wth sim hap! Km hvhr hr!" Ganondorf walked over to a cupboard and pulled it open, grabbing a lot of random chemicals.

"I think that we shouldn't let Ganondorf near dangerous chemicals," Pichu said fearfully.

"Thank you!" Samus cried as she stood opposite of Ganondorf, which just so happened to be beside the doorway out of the room. "I'd shoot him but some of those things might mix."

"Msk? Dck his?" Ganondorf poured three chemicals into the same beaker and shook it, mixing them together. He suddenly grabbed Mario by the throat and forced the now glowing green liquid into his mouth. The glass beaker it was in was dissolving. Mario fell to the ground, choking. Ganondorf laughed and turned to the rest of the class. "Lgt dat teesh ew to NEVER, FUCKING NEVER gt un GREAT GANONDORF's gad sid. Ow less-"

A huge fist punched Ganondorf through several walls. Connected to the fist was a nine foot Mario with muscles the size of tree trunks standing behind Ganon's former position. His mustache was for some reason on fire. "Dammit I've been fucking wanting to do that forever, douchebag!"

"Holy shit, what the hell did you drink?!" Link screamed.

"Why the hell haven't you killed Ganondorf yet?!" Mario grabbed Link by the skull and slammed him through the floor. "I AM FUCKING PISSED!" He roared into the air.

_"Rey, kll Aryo!"_

"Gotcha Royandolf!" Roy began to charge up his flare blade.

_"Ot at un! De ehhe ess, ehhe ess NOW!"_

"But if I let it go I'll be open!" Roy complained.

_"Dattit I eed te finned eh sece suberdinate…"_

"I AM A GOD!" Mario roared, pounding his chest as lightning struck in the background. Immediately after saying this he became normal again. Mario blinked a few times and then slowly turned to the destruction. Ganondorf calmly climbed to his feet, staring at the plumber through the holes. He walked back through the several holes his body had created, approaching Mario with a blank, somewhat tranquil expression on his face.

"And so ends an eventful chapter of our lives," Samus said as Ganondorf beat the crap out of Mario. "Can you please leave the room with the dangerous, maybe explosive chemicals now?"

Ganondorf was smothering Mario with the gas mask. "But things are getting just fun! Now I know that mixing chemicals does stuff, so I can experiment!"

Marth grabbed one of the beakers off of the shelf. "Uh, these aren't chemicals, they're a whole bunch of mutagens designed by Crazy Hand. They all appear to have some of his blood in them along with various other bodily fluids that I don't even want to name out loud."

Ganondorf waved him off, dropping Mario's near dead body and grabbing two more random beakers. "Say AH!" He poured them all in Mario's mouth.

"THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!" the plumber screamed, gagging.

Marth looked at the label. "It is shit. Well, liquefied shit at least. It's the same thing really, but more wet and nasty. I find it grosser, personally. When you actually crap stuff similar to this it makes this really disgusting noise that gives me goose bumps every time. Can someone please shut me up?"

-After a few more incidents-

"Okay, now we learn something," Ganondorf told them from the front of the room. "After testing on Mario, I know what two chemicals create explosion." Everyone hesitantly glanced at a smoldering hole in the side of the room. A piece of red fabric was caught on an edge, blowing gently in the wind. "You will all find way to make them NOT explode! MOVE! I will be talking happily with Professor Aran."

Samus was tapping her foot at the doorway, her arm cannon charging a plasma shot.

"I check up on you momentarily."

"So who here will actually be doing what he said to do?" Fox asked them all once Ganon left.

"I'll be messing with chemicals," Bowser said. "It's for something else though, something menacing. It'll be awesome."

"Ooo oooo ooo AH ooo AH AH AH AHHHH OOO AHHHHHHH OOO **AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH**!" Donkey Kong screamed from atop his desk, pounding his chest. Several classmates backed off. (Translation: I will be working on a concoction that creates everlasting life. AHHHHH, MILLIPEDE!)

Diddy scoffed at this. "I hope you enjoy brewing that from liquefied feces and…" He looked at another label. "AH!" He threw it away, the unknown but likely horrifying liquid spilling mere inches away from Pikachu.

"Don't throw that stuff!" Pikachu charged Diddy, skull bashing him across the room. Diddy bounced off the chalkboard, falling to the ground.

"It is, how do you say, time to kick some yellow rodent ass!" Diddy grabbed a metre stick and swung it at Pikachu. Pikachu ducked it but the stick continued, hitting a cup of coffee onto the floor.

"That stuff cost me thousands!" Falco took out his gun and shot Diddy into the wall again.

"You're all insane," Mewtwo said to himself.

Bowser suddenly sprang to his feet, staring at the mixture in his hand. "I've done it! All I needed was some of Crazy Hand's palm sweat!" He jumped through one of the many holes in the room, running into the distance.

"I stand by what I said. You're all nuts. Don't!" Mewtwo silenced Game & Watch before he commented.

"You have made a paper thin almost-robot very sad at this moment," Game & Watch said.

It was at this moment that Ganondorf chose to enter the room. "ALL OF YOU RODENT FUCKING BASTARDS NEED TO BE QUIET!" he screamed. The almost quiet room went quieter, the only noise being a strange sizzling noise. Everyone was curious about it, but no one wanted to find out… "I notice that room is not damaged at all. Who can tell me what this means?"

Luigi slowly raised his hand. Ganondorf turned to him, nodding. "No one did anything stupid?"

"WRONG! It mean that no one did what I asked with explosive chemicals! Nothing has been blown up in misfires. WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?!" Luigi hid under his desk, narrowly avoiding another one of Ganondorf's swords.

"That's because we're not stupid," Marth commented.

"NO INTERRUPTIONS! I fail everyone today aside from whoever sees if Giga Bowser is still alive."

"I'm… alive…"

"Giga's groan tells us he's fine. He passes, you all FAIL."

**FAILURE**

Ganondorf jumped in surprise, not expecting the booming, omnipotent voice. He looked around the room cautiously.

-Main classroom-

"Ladiesandgentlemen, !" Crazy Hand announced as he smashed through the wall. "Heissomeoneyouallprobablyknow, sowithout anyfurtherinterruptions ordelays thatmyextendeddialogue_ may_inadvertentlycause, Iintroducetoallofyou,fromthisclassroom,theschool'snewpsychiatrist, Meta Knight!"

No one spoke, no one moved. They all stared at the giant, gloved hand that was hovering before them, twitching every few seconds. Meta Knight, who stood behind him, was looking very lost and confused. "Huh?"

"IntroduceyourselfMetaKnight, ."

Meta Knight stared at him. "Huh?"

"He wants you to talk about yourself," Samus told him through a hole in the chalkboard.

"Oh. I am META KNIGHT. You all know me, you've seen me before. I am the new psychiatrist for the school, a position needed due to the apparent low self esteem of the students here."

"I wonder why," Samus murmured, sipping some tea.

"Come to see me if you're having any problems. My office is on the first floor right beside the administration office."

"That'swhereIam!" Crazy Hand proclaimed.

"Does he actually work here?"

-Later that day, sometime before school ends but after lunchtime as that is roughly the time Meta Knight is introduced to Ganondorf's mentally scarred class-

Meta Knight had already decorated his office to suit himself. He had a chair about six times his size, somewhat like a throne. The walls were covered in self portraits, most drawn by himself. Those ones were terrible. He was busy with some papers, filling out certain forms and writing in his daily diary when the door opened to reveal a red and blue plumber.

"Hello Mario, is something bothering you?"

"No, I'm just here to say hi. You know, welcome you to the school."

"Thank you for the greetings, but at the moment I am kind of busy with-"

"I HATE THIS PLACE SO MUCH!" Mario leaped over the desk and began to cry into Meta Knight's shoulder. The confused warrior paused, unsure of what to do. He hesitantly gave Mario a pat on the back.

"There, there?"

"You smell like grapefruit…"

"Time to set some guidelines." Meta Knight pushed him back over the desk and into the other chair. "Rule one: Don't come over the desk."

"O-okay."

"Now what's bothering you? If the outburst of jumping and crying told me anything, you're not in the best condition."

Mario swallowed nervously, nodding quickly. "Yes. I don't think Ganondorf likes me very much. Actually, I think he hates me. A lot."

"Are you sure you aren't overlooking things? I mean, it may look like he dislikes you but for all you know he could just be trying to push you to do your best-"

"He stabbed me several times on day one."

"I think he hates you."


	39. Murphy's Law

_Published December 21, 2009_

**_Thursday October 25th: Week 8, Day 39_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION! That's what he yells every day, and it always instils fear in the deepest parts of my heart. When he throws a sword at my face it's also pretty scary."

Meta Knight nodded. "From what I can tell-"

"Then he's always picking on anyone that positively associates with me. One time my pen ran out of ink and Pichu leant me one, so Ganondorf eviscerated him with his own tail!"

"How... I don't think I want to know. You've been telling me your stories for well over an hour, and from what I can-"

"He has a guy in a purple turtleneck break into my house and stare at me at night. All he does is stand there at the end of my bed, staring and eating crackers. When he runs out he has a shower and returns with more. I never sleep anymore."

"If you'd like, you can take a na-"

"One time he put a mushroom in my mailbox. Dad ate it and couldn't stop shitting for three days. He was crying."

Meta Knight held back a sigh and added that to his notes.

-Classroom-

"CLASS IS IN SESSION! Now where's MARIO?!" Ganondorf yelled as he ominous approached Luigi.

"He was gone when I woke up!" Luigi whimpered, cowering below his desk. Ganondorf picked up the desk and broke it against the wall, setting fire to the remains with the large new flamethrower that he had. "And when did you get that?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" He turned to face Luigi, still firing, and setting fire to half of the room in the process. "You will never learn where I got this. Ever never ever! Now shut the fuck up, stop rolling around, and burn like a MAN!"

Peach saw that as a cue to _not _stop putting the fire out.

A knock on the door drew everyone's attention. "Performance evaluation!" a voice from the other side called.

Ganondorf faced his class, seeing the scorched walls, flaming people, and destroyed desk. "Come in!"

The door opened to reveal Master Hand and a robed figure. "This is the Ancient Minister, our Superintendant," Master Hand explained. "Please tell him why people are on fire."

"I'm teaching them science; Murphy's Law." He shot a stream of fire at Marth, setting him ablaze. "I think they learning, maybe another half hour will let it burn in."

The Minister nodded. "He approves," Master Hand said. "Keep up the good work, Ganon." The two higher ups left the room, leaving the class at Ganondorf's mercy.

"NONE OF YOU COMPLIMENTED ME!" He continued to torch them.

Once Ganondorf decided that they had suffered enough/he ran out of fuel he decided to start an actual lesson for the remaining students. "Firstly, I congratulate you all for surviving."

"It's fire, no problems here," Giga Bowser said.

"I hate you," Link growled.

"Rolling around was ever so fun!" Popo exclaimed.

"I haven't enjoyed anything that much in ages!" Nana added.

"If this is the daily routine, I'm not coming," Lucario decided.

Olimar hid behind his red Pikmin.

"I liked the part when people burned," Roy cackled, tenting his fingers evilly.

Rayquaza, Mewtwo, and Bowser said nothing.

"As fun as that was, it will not continue until Snake gets me more fuel. He get sidetracked easily, so in the meantime POP QUIZ! LINK, what is the capital of Fiji?"

"What the hell is Fiji?"

"WRONG!" He kicked Link across the room. "LUCARIO, why did the dinosaurs die?"

"Um... Because you touch yourself at night?"

"NO REFERENCES!" He picked Lucario up by the skull and gave him the most painful, intrusive, and downright humiliating wet-Willie ever. "MEWTWO, who invented the toaster?"

"I'm not part of the class."

"I DON'T CARE!" He grabbed his flamethrower by the hose and swung it at Mewtwo's head, hitting him. "POPO, what was Arnold Schwarzenegger's first starring role?"

"He was Hercules in 'Hercules in New York'!"

"I- UGH... HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?!"

Zelda walked into the room, stopping when she saw the death and destruction. "Oh god, there's blood everywhere! What the fuck is wrong with you Ganondorf, seriously? This is horrible! Why would you do such a thing? It smells like death, burning flesh, feces, and traces of mint."

"Yes, I dropped candy cane in the fuel sack and didn't want to reach in there for it. It adds some freshness and relief to this devastating sight."

Zelda sniffed the air again. "Surprisingly, you're right."

"ZELDA, where is Mario?"

"I'm not sure, but I know where Doctor Mario is."

"I give you half point."

-Psychiatrist's office-

"He modded my Metal Gear Solid 4 game so that every character was a naked Raiden. The models were detailed. Very detailed."

-Class, 20 minutes later-

"Class is in session." Several people hid under their desks. "It's really fun to scare you guys!" Samus happily said. "Because both of our teachers are being evaluated today, everyone gets a turn at the school's only class."

"This place only has two teachers?"

"Yes Marth, we aren't very high budget. In fact, this is the single worst paying job I've ever had. It's also the longest paying job in length I've ever had. It's a bad combination. Anyway, today I will teach you about-"

Ganondorf's fist burst through the chalkboard. "I'm out of chalk," he announced. "Gimme more!"

"Why do you need chalk? You have no class!"

"I'm hosting international Tic-Tac-Toe tournament! It down to finals and fucking Canadian broke chalk! FUCK YOU!" A man's head was punched through the wall.

"Fine." Samus gave him a piece of chalk. "Now-"

"Don't teach them your crappy lesson, teach them to triple jump!"

"I was going to explain Final Smashes-"

"NO! I have _very special _lesson planned for that. STAY AWAY FROM THEM!" Ganondorf shook his fist at Samus. She ignored it.

"I'm going to talk about the basics of the Final Smashes since obviously Ganondorf has a lesson planned, and I don't want the room to get destroyed. They're super powerful attacks activated by this-" She held up a Smash Ball. "-Smash Ball. Mine is very powerful but also a gimmicky way to change between two completely different characters, one of which, though a good character, is unneeded, shows no knowledge on other characters, and makes me mad to ever had exist!"

"Uh, Samus? You just crushed the Smash Ball," Rayquaza pointed out.

"I DON'T CARE! Seriously, what the hell was up with taking away the suit that makes my character unique, putting me in some skin tight blue jumpsuit and making my attacks moves that are like a contortionist's wet dream? It pisses me off!"

"You're cannon's charging," Rayquaza told her as he opened a window.

"SHUT UP! I'm ranting! I- Oh shit I pressed the trigger."

Her cannon fired its Zero Laser, the blast slowly getting larger and more powerful as she tried to control the direction but only succeeded in inadvertently pointing it at the class.

"RUN! It's slowly moving toward us!" Young Link screamed, jumping out of the window.

Samus struggled, attempting to turn the beam to face Ganondorf's room behind her. She managed to turn it 45 degrees. "Yoshi's trapped, Yoshi!" Yoshi cried from between the beam and the wall.

"Sacrifices must be made!" Yoshi hid in an egg.

"What's that roaring noise?" Ganondorf broke another hole in the chalkboard, sticking his head out opposite of the side that Samus was turning to shoot at. "IS THAT FINAL SMASH?!"

"You're supposed to be on the other side!"

The laser died just before Yoshi was obliterated.

"Well that didn't turn out very well," Samus said as she brushed off the broken pieces of her Varia Suit. "I still don't get how that beam's powerful enough to overload my suit."

"Holy crap, Samus is a person!" Young Link exclaimed. "Ganondorf told me she was a gay robot!"

"That does sounds like something I'd say," Ganondorf added from his hole.

"Quiet back there."

Samus shoved her helmet onto his head, muffling him. Ganondorf tried to pull back through the hole but found it had him stuck. "MUDDRFUDDAR!"

"Oh go fudd yourself."

Ganondorf pulled back, tearing the whole wall out around his neck. The other man screamed as he was held up by the neck. The wall began to lean to the side, falling. "Nonononononono!" He fell, the wall crashing and breaking. "Hell yes!"

Yoshi's tail stuck out from below the broken wall, twitching slightly.

There was a knock on the door. "Performance evaluation!" Master Hand said as he opened it. "What the hell happened in here? My favourite wall is gone!"

"Ganondorf broke-"

"I don't want to hear it! Come with us, Samus!"

She glared at the helmet wearing Ganondorf. He gave her a friendly wave. Once the three left, Ganondorf tore the helmet off of his head and hurled it at Pichu. They were about the same size, so it caused considerable damage. "MURPHY'S LAW!"

-Master Hand's office-

"It wasn't my fault!" Samus argued. "Ganondorf broke through the wall and is the one who tore it off!"

"And that's because he couldn't get out because you stuck your helmet on him," Master Hand countered.

"And that's because he punched a hole in the wall! Twice!"

"Sir," Master Hand said to the Ancient Minister, "should we do what I'm thinking of doing?" He nodded his head. "Very well."

"How would he-"

"Samus, I'm afraid we're going to have to let you go. BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING, we're putting you in Ganondorf's class so you can learn from a better teacher and then come back at the end of the year where we'll expect better results. That should be fine."

-Meta Knight's office-

"He hired Wario to crap in my-"

"AAAAAAAAHHHH-HHHHHHHHHHHHHH-HHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Meta Knight jumped, the forty pages of notes he was holding almost flying everywhere. "Was that Master Hand's pain filled scream?" he wondered aloud.

"Probably, but I don't care."

-Master Hand's office-

"DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE **DIE**!" Samus smashed Master Hand's thumb through the window, kicking him in the wrist. He yelped and dropped to the ground, unprepared for Samus to start jumping on him, driving her heel into his fingers. After another ten minutes of violence Samus was contently sitting in the chair in front of Master Hand's desk. The Ancient Minister placed another Band-Aid on his back.

"I will ignore that."

"Really? It'll be hard once I put the video on the Internet."

"Just clear out your desk and be in Ganon's class tomorrow."

"I don't have a desk, you gave it to Meta Knight to save money."

"Oh, right. We're really low budget."


	40. GANONBALL ROUND 4!

_Mostly a transition chapter to build something up for the next Monday chapter. I still like how it turned out though._

_Also, I now have a PS3! Yay me!_

_Published December 27, 2009_

**_Friday October 26th: Week 8, Day 40_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION! _Hello Samus_," Ganondorf added as a large grin spread across his face. "It's good to have you here in my class."

"I'll kill you."

"If you fail this course you have to take it again next year."

She continued to glare concentrated death at him. Ganondorf chuckled and walked over to the window, standing with it behind him. "We'll now introduce you to goodest class ever with classic method: GANONBALL!" He paused for a moment before lightning struck in the background. "Bah, it was late."

"I had hoped that you forgot about that," Marth said.

"I NEVER FORGET GANONBALL! Now everyone get to gym while I write down edited version because I forgot to print it off last night!" He grabbed a sheet of paper. "I NEED PEN! Pichu!"

Pichu ran over with a pen. Ganondorf took it without incident. "Thank you, Pichu." He began to write.

"He just did something _normal_ and _thanked _you," Marth said to the passing mouth. "How are you feeling?"

"Scared beyond belief."

Ganondorf grinned off to the side. 'Ah, good ol' mental torture. Now what was rule six?'

-Gym-

**GANONBALL RULES:**

RULE 1 – To get someone out, Ganondorf must strike them with an energy ball  
RULE 2 – YOU CANNOT GET GANONDORF OUT!  
RULE 3 – If you _try _to get Ganondorf out, Wario will shit down your throat!_  
_RULE 4 – Mario is his own team  
RULE 5 – Whoever gets Mario out goes on Ganondorf's team  
RULE 6 – Ganondorf can make up rules in the middle of play  
RULE 7 – When game ends it's time to split.  
RULE 8 – If Ganondorf says you're out then you're going to die.  
If you break any of these rules, Ganondorf will refer to RULE 3 and/or 8

"The only rules that really affect it are the same: Ganon attacks you and you don't attack Ganon," Link analyzed.

"How does rule five work with rule one in effect?" Kirby asked. Ganondorf grabbed him by the face and created an explosion in his hand.

"Those are the worst rules I've ever seen," Samus said. "I can't believe how bad they are." She dodged a sword thrown at her head. "And how often does he do that?"

"A lot," Mario answered. "Mostly at me, but so far they've been focused on you! I think that I'm going to like you being here!"

"So because Ganondorf is trying to kill me instead of physically and mentally destroying the short, pathetic excuse of a human being that can only find joy in life when he's not being crushed by a big mean guy that you are, you're okay with things how they are?" Mario noticed that Samus was standing less than a foot away from him, and it was just now that he saw how tall she really was.

"Sounds about right."

"I'll kill you next."

"GANONBALL BEGINS!" They both dove away from the ball of energy that exploded at that spot. Mario, now legally able to move, wove his way around a barrage of energy balls thrown by Ganondorf. He hopped on top of Luigi's head and jumped, watching his brother get his head blown off.

"'Uigi!"

Ganondorf turned on Donkey Kong and suddenly began to attack him. Donkey quickly grabbed Diddy and ran away, using him as a shield. "My good friend, you appear to be sacrificing me in order to keep yourself alive. I can't say I appreciate the gesture."

"AHH ooo AH ooo AH!" (You'll appreciate what I want you to appreciate!)

DK suddenly threw Diddy at Ganondorf just as Ganondorf threw a ball at him. Diddy took out his peanut gun and shot at it, detonating the ball in mid air. He landed happily only to find Ganondorf suddenly before him. "DIE!" He delivered the most devastating, over-the-top uppercut to Diddy's chin, firing the chimp into the air and through the ceiling. "Samus, give me your arm so I can finish him off!"

"Why would I ever cooperate with you?"

"Because I already have it." He fired several shots through the hole, hearing Diddy scream more than once.

"How- I don't care."

Ganondorf swung his new arm cannon, firing a shot at Fox. It hit Fox right between the eyes. "I like, I like..." He grinned, shooting wildly at the whole class and watching them try to avoid the energy shots.

"Why'd you give him your cannon?!" Pit screamed, flying high above everyone else.

"I didn't, he just... got it."

"POP QUIZ! MARIO, how many shots will it take to blow your head to pieces?"

"Six?"

"SEVEN!" He fired seven shots, Mario's head exploding after six. "Oh, he right. I don't care though, it was fun."

After twenty more minutes of Ganonball, Ganondorf called everything to a stop. "I'm getting tired. Would everyone gather to one corner of the room?"

"Will you shoot at us?" Kirby asked suspiciously.

"NO QUESTIONS!" He picked Kirby up by the face and threw him in a corner. "EVERYONE THERE, NOW!"

"Who wants to... slip out the back... when he isn't looking?" Lucario muttered to the others.

Ganondorf suddenly dropped down in front of him. "NO ESCAPE!" He kneed Lucario in the face and bit off his ear. "That what you get for trying to escape!"

"You bastard! You... bit off... my ear!"

"Yes, I notice. It tastes like mashed potatoes! I want SECONDS!"

"Stay away from me!"

"COME HERE LUCARIO!"

All of the others watched as Ganondorf chased the fleeing Lucario around the gym, the fighting Pokémon running through the door with Ganon hot in pursuit. They stared for a moment, hearing Lucario scream. "Anyone else think we should go?" Kirby wondered, hoping he wouldn't come back.

"It would be best if you did," Mewtwo said, opening the other door. He was greeted by Gainindolf's snarling form. Mewtwo closed the door. "You're staying in here."

-After noon-

"COOKING CLASS!" Ganondorf roared as he put on a large chef's hat. "Today you make mashed potatoes!"

Lucario struggled against the ropes binding him. "I... am not mashed potatoes!"

"Of course not, you not mashed yet." Ganondorf took out a hammer. "Who wants the first hit?" The hammer was pulled out of his hand by an unseen force.

"This is insane," Lucario said as he watched Ganondorf try to get the hammer back. "You're-" The hammer suddenly flew through the air and hit Lucarion between the eyes, nearly knocking him out.

"You know what that was for," Mewtwo told him, glaring.

"That was evil Mewtwo, you learning from me!"

"What?! Your methods all suck."

"Of course they do." Ganondorf winked. Mewtwo found it too disturbing of a sight to respond to. It haunted his mind for almost a week. "I want everyone to make their own personal dressing. Once Lucario has been mashed you will each be given part and have to apply dressing to it. I will then eat it and grade you."

Lucario used Metal Claw on the rope!

It was super effective!

Enemy Ganondorf attacked!

Got away safely!

"Aw dammit!" Ganondorf flipped his desk into the unbreakable window. It bounced off and nearly landed on him. He settled with throwing it, at full force, at Mario. It crushed him against the wall, causing heavy injury. "Throwing desks relieves stress. DIE!" He began to throw desks all around the room.

Zelda and Dr. Mario were brought in to help the injured and deceased. "Ganondorf, I swear that if you keep this up I'm not going to bring people back to life anymore and you aren't going to have a class," Zelda threatened as she reattached Sonic's legs. "And how did throwing desks make a clean cut that went through bone?"

"UNNECESSARY DETAILS! I actually did all this to get you here so I could ask favour," Ganondorf told her.

She looked around the room, seeing all the death and destruction. "We have an intercom."

"FUCK THE INTERCOMS!"


	41. The Tape

_This is one of the few upcoming chapters that I've been planning since the beginning of the story. Yes, that long ago. It's good to have plans, it means that if I can't think of anything I can just do one of them!_

_Published February 15, 2010_

**_Monday October 29th: Week 9, Day 41_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf joyously shouted. "Very, very nice day is ahead!" He held up a VHS tape. "Who can guess what is on this tape?"

"Is it cotton candy?" Popo excitedly asked, his eyes gleaming.

"That would be ever so fine!" Nana added, sharing his smile.

"IT'S NOT FUCKING COTTON CANDY! It is a tape that will teach you everything you need to know about sex," Ganondorf explained, waving the tape in the air. "Originally Samus was supposed to teach you all this but Samus is now fired putting ME in charge of EVERYTHING!"

"The end is nigh," Samus droned.

"Moving on," Mewtwo began, "would you mind explaining what is on that tape? You know, so that we can prepare ourselves and if necessary remove all sharp objects from the room."

"That good idea. Everyone, give me your weapons!"

Marth raised an eyebrow at this. "Why would we give you all of our weapons?"

"Two people will be very angry once this tape happens and I can't risk them killing themselves. I want to see them suffer in agony!" He pulled out a massive magnet and pointed it at the class. Suddenly all of their weapons flew from their hands and sheaths to the magnet.

Samus looked at her gunless hand and then at the rest of her armour. "Why did that only get my weapon?"

"SELECTIVE MAGNET!" He threw Roy's sword at her. "Now where are Fox and Falco?"

"They aren't actually part of the class," Snake reported from the roof. "Just like me. They're applying for Samus' position along with six others. Well one had two heads so I'm not sure if that counts as seven or not."

The door burst open and Falco walked in, his beak shaped by a frown.

...?

"Stupid two headed son of a bitch, I'm so much better at technalogy than he is," he said as a giddy Fox followed him.

"You're so much better at what?" Fox innocently asked him.

"Technalogy," Falco repeated.

"Hm? I didn't get that."

"Technalogy!"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Ganondorf shot at them with Samus' gun. "We watching sex tape now SHUT THE FUCK UP and sit down so we can watch sex tape!" He put it in a VCR.

The TV screen was covered in static before Ganondorf's eye took up the screen. "Is this thing on?!" the TV Ganondorf screamed.

"Yes, now tell me why you're setting that up."

"That voice," Link muttered. "I feel like I've heard it once or twice."

Ganondorf backed up from the camera, revealing Zelda standing impatiently in the background.

"No," Link said. "No. This is not about to happen. There is no way."

Roy gave him a pat on the back. "Keep telling yourself that."

"WHAT?!" Ganondorf had just told Zelda his idea. "You want me to let you film that? Are you that out of your fucking mind?!"

"Come on, please? I'll give you money!"

"Do I look like a prostitute? Don't answer that, I know what you'll say. Although... There _is_ something you can do. Give me a recording of you saying 'please' and 'thank you'. They'll be worth so much some day."

"Can do, now let's play some air hockey!"

"What? Aren't we going to do it?"

"IT GETS ME IN THE MOOD!" The next ten minutes was an air hockey game where Ganondorf was getting his ass handed to him. "FUCK YOU! Stop beating me!"

Zelda scored again. "At this point I'm bored enough to accept even you, so can we get to the big part?"

"NO! Still thirty-eight seconds left!"

Link stood up. "I need to go to the bathroom sometime in the next thirty eight seconds."

Ganondorf grinned. "Bathrooms no longer part of school. They're in a better place now. EBay. You STAY HERE AND WATCH!"

And thirty-eight seconds after, it started. "Ganondorf, what the fuck are you doing?" Zelda asked him.

"What the fuck does it look like I'm doing?"

"I honestly can't tell."

Roy scoffed. "Please, it's obvious he's getting ready for the Australian Jaguar Surprise."

"Looks more like a Mumbo Jumbo Bonanza," Marth argued. "See how he's- Oh, no, my bad. Definitely Australia Jaguar Surprise. No question about it."

Link screamed, trying to claw at his own eyes but unable to as Bowser had tied his hands together behind his chair. Ganondorf gave the dragon a high-five.

"Ow, ow, OW!" Zelda yelled. "Now what are you up to?"

"I'M HUNGRY!" Ganondorf roared as he ate a sandwich.

"That's very nice, but tell me why I'm in pain."

Link struggled against the bonds holding him. "I'll kill you!"

"You've tried like ten times, it doesn't work."

After twenty more minutes of the tape Link was staring forward blankly, his head tilted and mouth hanging open as some drool pooled on the floor. Occasionally he twitched, but that was the only movement. Young Link was reacting very differently to this.

"What's that?"

"That," Roy began, "is the Toasty Hula Hoop, a personal favourite. And if I'm not mistaken next will be- Yup, the Kenya Glacier. Tasty."

Young Link nodded, soaking all of the information up. "She doesn't seem very happy right now."

"That's just her muscles seizing from that punch to the spine earlier," Roy explained to him. "It's normal."

The Ganondorf recording approached the camera. "END OF DEMO! I now open to questions."

Kirby's eyes narrowed. "This is a trap, isn't it?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" Ganondorf grabbed Kirby and crushed him to the size of a stick of gum. He then began to chew it.

"You... you're a madman," Link gasped, coming back to his senses now that the video had ended. "You need to die."

"Nah, you're just pissed that I had sex with your childhood crush for forty minutes."

"I WILL MURDER YOU!"

"Not before I put in tape two!" He waved a second VHS tape in front of Link's face. Link snapped forward, grabbing it between his teeth and then jumped to his feet despite still being tied to the chair. He ran away from the Gerudo King who had a grin growing on his face. "The chase begins!" He pulled out his taser-bow.

-In the main office-

"WOOHOO! YEAH, I KICK _ASS_!" the blue head of Duon shouted, pumping his fist into the air. His sword stabbed into the roof.

"Hey, I got this job too," the pink head retorted. "Don't expect me to stab the roof though."

As Master Hand was questioning his own choice of staff, a newcomer arrived in the room. "Why's it so crowded in here?" Meta Knight asked them.

"I'm here now, that's why!" Bluon exclaimed as he yanked his blade from the roof.

"Oh. Hi. Any experience in teaching? You will _really_ need it here."

"Nope, no job experience at all aside from random spots in video games," Bluon explained.

"More like attempted random spots in video games," Puon added. "He's been trying since the SNES days."

"At least I succeeded!"

"You were Toadsworth in Super Mario Sunshine for a single frame in the intro. That's not success."

Meta Knight slipped passed the goliath and over to Master Hand. "I've come to inform you of my change of phone number and address. Mario was calling me all weekend and when I stopped answering the phone he tracked my apartment down."

"Speaking of Mario, where's my coffee?"

Dr. Mario then walked into the room with the coffee. "Hi Mario," Meta Knight unenthusiastically greeted.

"Who the hell-a are you?"

Master Hand snapped his fingers, the booming noise echoing throughout the whole school. "Right, you weren't told. Mario and Dr. Mario are different people. They look the same but one wears a doctor's coat while the other doesn't."

"Is there a difference?"

"Dr. Mario is much more stereotypical."

"Ah."

"I'm not female!" Puon snapped.

"Then why are you pink?" Bluon argued.

"_You_ painted me this colour! Now I can't get it off!"

-After school in the nurse's office-

"Link, what we have is a purely professional relationship," an irritated Zelda explained to Link.

"Bullshit, I saw the tapes! Everyone did!"

"Huh? Oh, I meant you and me have a professional relation. Not me and Ganondorf, definitely not. You saw the proof."

"Bullshit, we've known each other for years!"

"And when have we ever hung out outside of work? All we really do is fight evil guys and have me bring you back to life on those occasions where Ganondorf or Grey Fox kills you."

"Well then let's hang out outside of work."

"I'm busy all year."

"Bullshit!"

"No, look at my calendar. Every day is filled with stuff."

Link scowled and grabbed her calendar off of the wall, flipping through the pages. "How did you manage that?!"


	42. We'll do it Yesterday

_Due to some events, I was unable to make a large April Fool's Day prank for you guys like I had planned to. I feel sad... And I'm not going to pretend to have given up on any stories since that's boring to do._

_Well, there's one single part of this chapter that is my joke of the year. Can you find what it is? It's well hidden, take your guesses people!_

_Published April 1, 2010_

**_Tuesday October 30th: Week 9, Day 42_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared before randomly punching a hole in the chalkboard. "Meet my new neighbour, DUON!"

"Quick question," Marth interrupted. "How much money does this place spend on repairs for your damage?"

"TOO LITTLE! This not even real chalkboard anymore, it's wood painted black. But that's unimportant, meet DUON!"

"Why'd you answer his question but never mine?" Kirby demanded.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP KIRBY!" He picked up Link by the collar and threw him at Kirby. "Now everyone needs to say HI to DUON, **NOW!**"

Bluon stuck his horn through the hole and opened it further. "Really Gan, it's not all that necessary."

"NEVER CALL ME 'GAN'!"

"One of these days you're going to lose your voice," Puon warned after sticking his own head through the hole. It looked awkward for two five foot tall heads to do so. "And then you'll hate yelling all the time."

"Shut up, you're such a know-it-all," Bluon snapped.

"Oh bite me you mouth-less git."

"Hey! That was completely uncalled for, Pinky!"

"Oh ha-ha, you're so funny. Why don't you go decapitate yourself and save me the trouble?"

Roy cautiously approached the bickering duo. He took off his cape and draped it over the hole. "And we never saw them again."

"All right. As you know, it is October 17th," Ganondorf said. "On the 29th we will be having Halloween Party, so everyone needs costumes by then! If you have no costume I will kill you all. Any questions?"

"It's the 30th," Marth stated.

"And I care why?"

"Do you want me to spell it out for you?"

"Yes, one letter at a time in sixty seconds!" He pulled the door off of the closet and withdrew a medieval battering ram, positioning it at Marth. "Time starts NOW!"

"Um... Y-O-U-S-A-I-D-T-H-E-P-A-R-T-Y-I-S-O-N-T-H-E-T-W-E-N-T-Y-N-I-N-T-H-A-N-D-I-T-I-S-T-H-E-T-H-I-R-T-I-E-T-H-R-I-G-HT-N-O-W. T-I-M-E-D-O-E-S-N-O-T-W-O-R-K-L-I-K-E-T-H-A-T."

"You lost me. SAY IT NORMALLY!"

"Well, you said the party was going to be on the twenty ninth, but it's the thirtieth now so-"

"MINUTE UP!" He swung the battering ram forward. Marth dove out of the way but the wooden object kept going, crashing into Game & Watch. It crushed him against the wall.

"You flattened Game & Watch!" Young Link cried. "He was my only friend!"

"Yoshi's your friend, Yoshi!"

"Then why are you never at my birthday parties?"

"When's your birthday, Yoshi?"

"It's that day of the month in the year. You know, in winter."

"It's in May," Link stated from the closet. He had just finished tying a noose around a manikin's neck.

Marth pushed his lips together, unsure if he should ask or not. Eventually curiosity overpowered fear, and he spoke. "Link, why are you hanging that manakin? Or would it be better for me to not know?"

"Actually, it would be better for you to dodge that battering ram again." Marth quickly sidestepped Ganondorf's battering ram again. This time it struck out at Lucario, but he quickly grabbed it and attempted to stop the force. Who won? Find out later. "And I'm going to dress this up like myself and put it in Zelda's kitchen sink."

"Has anyone ever told you to seek help?"

"Yeah. But I showed them that I was normal! Oh I showed them." There are some things that are better left unasked.

Meanwhile, Lucario was grappling with the battering ram. "Ganondorf... put down the giant... log."

"Yes." He had lost interest and just dropped the battering ram, the log crushing Lucario's fingers below it as it crashed into the floor. "Where were we? Oh right, All Hallows Eve! BUY COSTUME and come here tomorrow dressed up. If you don't then everyone dies."

Giga Bowser, who had not done anything eventful in quite a long time, said, "Do you even have a costume?"

"Of course I do! I have been preparing since July."

-After school-

"META KNIGHT!" Ganondorf kicked down the door between him and Meta Knight's office. "I need your cape." Without waiting for a reply he grabbed the cape and tore it from Meta Knight's collar. Ganondorf then smashed through the window and ran away.

"Bastard."

In another location Link, Young Link, Marth, Mario, and Pit were all doing what they normally do together: playing cards. "So Ganondorf wants us to get costumes for tomorrow," Marth stated.

"Yup," Mario agreed. "Knowing him he's going to do something crazy."

Young Link suddenly gasped and slammed his cards on the table. "Maybe he'll find a gun that turns people into their costumes!"

Link smacked him. "That's retarded. How are you me?"

"I'm fine, how am I?"

"I- What? But- Shut up."

"I think I'll be a wizard," Pit contemplated as he looked up at the ceiling. "What about you guys?"

"Monopoly!" Young Link exclaimed. He ran away and came back hugging a Monopoly box. "Let's never fight again."

Link said nothing; he just ran his fingers through his hair and closed his eyes.

"I have no idea what I'll be," Mario said. "Maybe I'll be Luigi!"

"That's stupid," Link said. "Be a vampire."

"Or a zombie!" Young Link exclaimed as he stroked the Monopoly board.

"Once you reach the Shadow Temple, you'll hate zombies as much as I do. When they latch onto you-"

"In a hug?"

"...Yes. When they latch onto you in a 'hug' you'll experience true, inconceivably awful terror. It's the kind of terror that a 64-bit game can't quite display. Are you even listening?"

"No one cares about your issues," Marth said. "And I win."

At this exact moment, Luigi and Pichu were shopping for costumes. Why were they together despite having never been shown to be on friendly terms with each other you may ask? Shut up.

"There aren't any good costumes for me," Pichu cried.

"You're also six inches tall," Luigi reminded him.

"I know..."

And because there is nothing else to cover here, let's go to another location. How about... Sonic. Yeah, nothing's happened with him for a long time. "Listen," Sonic said into his phone. "I don't care about Super Smash Bros! It's stupid, and I keep getting hit for no reason. Get me out of here! ... What do you mean you can't do anything? You can do everything! Just tell them- ... Listen! Tell them that I'm unable to, I'm busy with something new. ... I don't know what, tell them I'm a... werehog. Yeah, I'm dealing with something right now. ... I know it's retarded, but they'll accept anything these days."

A vent went flying off of the wall and out of it slid Snake. "Sonic, I need something from your oven, now!" Without waiting for Sonic to speak he ran to the hedgehog's oven, opened it up, and tore out several tubes and wires. He then jumped through a nearby window.

-In another location-

"Heh heh heh... This is going to go perfectly." Ganondorf grinned as he gazed upon his perfect costume. "Those little bastards aren't going to know what hit into them."

"They're not all little."

Ganondorf swung around, smacking Mewtwo into a wall. "That was your fault. Don't sneak up on me."

"Whatever." The psychic legendary floated to his feet. "So that's your costume, eh? Looks good, but I don't know if you can fit into it."

"Of course I can you dickless shit!"

"Ouch."

"The real question is: Can YOU fit in it?!"

"I- No..." Mewtwo decided to back away from the evil king for his own safety.

"Of course not! That's why _I_ wear it, not you!"

"What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about my costume! You're retarded!" Ganondorf turned away from Mewtwo. "I'm going to sleep, get out of my house!"

"This is where _I_ live. And Arceus. He's glaring at you."

Ganondorf looked to his left to see the omnipotent being staring at him with absolute hatred in his eyes. "So how's life?"

"One of these days-"

"Silence, I don't care."

And then they made violent, Lego-themed love.


	43. Not Quite a Halloween Party

_Published April 18, 2010_

**_Wednesday October 31st: Week 9, Day 43_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed as he stared down the costume wearing freaks before him. "As you may be able to see, I AM A VAMPIRE!" He showed off the fake fangs in his mouth. "Now everyone TELL WHAT YOU ARE!"

Luigi stood up. "I'm a Pikachu."

Pikachu stood up. "I'm a Goomba. Roar."

Mario entered the room. "I'm-a Luigi!"

"What the hell are you doing here?" Ganondorf roared. "I thought I killed you! With poison!"

Mario's eyes widened. "Dad was twitching on the floor because of... Mama-mia!"

Ganondorf grabbed him and threw him into a seat. "He's just dead, no point going back now. YOU STAY HERE! Fox, what are you?!"

Fox looked up from his Nintendo DSi XL. "I'm Admiral Not-Caring." He returned to playing Cooking Mama, giggling. "This game is so stupid."

"That's stupid! You're all STUPID!"

"Your insult quality has gone down by a lot," Mario commented.

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, MARIO!" He punched the short Italian. "PIT, are you dressed as a devil or something?"

"Yes, I am," Pit answered. "I covered my wings in cardboard demon wings and-"

"THAT'S SOOOOOO ORIGINAL! And where's LINK?"

Young Link, dressed like a lamp, began to jump up and down. "I know, I know! He said he had a really really great costume to put on!" At that moment the door opened, and in came a ReDead, its face frozen in perpetual torment and it's lanky, fleshless arms hanging loosely at its sides. "That's him!"

The ReDead stalked over to the closest person, Luigi, and threw itself onto him. Luigi screamed and tried to fight back against the surprisingly strong ReDead. "I think that's a _real_ ReDead," Pichu cried, running as far away as he could.

"No, that's definitely Link!" Young Link firmly declared. "He showed me the costume this morning, and it was really really good!"

Luigi screamed as Link's dry hands found their way around his neck, cutting off his air supply.

"I admit that he's in great character," Ganondorf said, nodding in approval. "MOVING ON, SAMUS, what the hell are you supposed to be?!"

"I'm Dark Samus today." Her suit was black. "I'm so creative, Count Dracula."

"I AM _KING_ DRACULAR TODAY!" He tried to punch her, but the suit hurt his fist. "Dammit! You win THIS round." He cracked his knuckles, wincing as he did so.

"Oh my god!" Red Ranger Marth cried. "He _does_ feel pain! Hope has been restored to the rebels! Gather the troops, man the cannons. We're takin' on the mothership!"

"Error, error," Game & Watch robotically said. "Cannons are incapable of defeating an alien mothership. Numerous casualties are guaranteed."

Marth sighed. "They're plasma cannons."

"Plasma is not a reliable source of firepower. I recommend-"

"RANGER PAWNCH!" The punch tore through his paper-thin body. "Was that supposed to happen?"

Game & Watch crumpled to the ground. "EeerrRROR... So muCH pAin. Brain WAves faILING. Doctor Mario, will I dream?"

A knee hit the window and it shattered into thousands of glass shards. Captain Falcon leapt into the room, landing gracefully on Pichu. "I heard a challenge, and AWESOMEly accept!"

"Mr. Falcon!" Mario cried, hugging the muscular man. "You've come to save me from this hell hole!"

Captain Falcon gave him a thumb up and a smile. "Sorry kid-who's-older-than-me, but no matter how boring it is you need an AWESOME education!"

"Captain Dipshit! You're interrupting my Halloween party!" Ganondorf roared. "Unless you have dip GET OUT!"

Captain Falcon reached into one of his tight pockets. "AWESOME! I carry AWESOME dip with me at all times! If only I knew which pocket it was in..." He finally pulled out a keg full of chip dip. "Here it is!"

"That's perfect." Ganondorf kicked a hole in the chalkboard and pulled a bag of chips through it, along with many, many bottles or Gerudo-brand moonshine. "One sip and I swear that each of you will be puking your guts all over the place, even the ones who didn't drink yet!" He gave a bottle to Mario. "DRINK!"

Mario calmly opened the beverage and downed half of it in one gulp. He kept his gaze steady on Ganondorf the whole time. "Your turn."

"I has a better idea. LUIGI! Drink my booze!" He saw that 'Link' had killed Luigi. "Bah. Who brought balloons?"

Fox raised his hand.

"Good. Blow them all up by the time I've counted to ten! ONE."

"Yeah, I'll get right on that."

"TWO." Fox did nothing. "THREE." Fox played his game. "FOUR." He kept playing his game. "FIVE. By the way, at ten I'll kill you. SIX." Fox did nothing. "SEVEN." He did nothing. "EIGHT." Still nothing. "NINE." He blew up all the balloons and attached streamers to them. "Humph. Who's dressed up as the robot over there?"

"It's me, Ness!"

Roy jumped onto the table, pulling out his sword. "YOU WERE TOLD TO DIE! WITH LUCAS HERE YOU ARE NO LONGER NEEDED!" With a single stab, blood began to drip out of the cardboard robot's feet. "Someone tell Zelda to not heal him! In fact, someone kill Zelda."

"Let's-a not," Mario said.

"Roy," Marth began, "you know that you just mercilessly slaughtered a child, right?"

"Royandolf says it's okay..."

"I'm afraid it's not." Marth placed a hand on his shoulder. "In fact, murder altogether is considered a felony in every country except Johto."

-Far away, in the land of Pokémans-

"Howdy Gold, it's Joey! My Rattata's better than all other Rattatas, it's in the top percentage of Rattata! Bye!" Youngster Joey hung up on Gold without another word. "Rattata, use Quick Attack on that Caterpie!"

Suddenly, the sun was blocked out by a massive form. From the heavens came Gold atop his majestic Ho-oh, ready to beat the youngster within an inch of his life. "Ho-oh, use Sacred Fire!"

-Back in class-

"It solves lots of problems there," Marth added.

"Enjoy being a prison bitch," Giga Bowser threw in.

Ganondorf smashed his desk in half. "I don't care about your petty arguments! Now someone drink this moonshine or I'll kill every last one of you!"

Everyone looked at Marth. "I hate you all." He cautiously picked up the Gerudo-brand moonshine, but before he could do anything Captain Falcon grabbed it from his hand.

"I'm parched, GO FALCON!" Without further ado he began to chug the moonshine, draining the whole bottle. Marth shrugged and leaned back in his chair as Falcon finally finished. "That... That was... AWESOME!" Captain Falcon roared, smashing the bottle on the floor by effect spraying the classroom floor with even more broken glass. "The energy is flowing through me! I have been reawakened! THE FALCON FLIES AGAIN! FALCON... PAWNCH!"

With one punch he launched the unbreakable window from its place, sending the plate of glass flying over the horizon where it most likely hit an innocent bystander. "We travel day and night, NON-STOP! To Castle Frankenstein! **YES**!" He back flipped through the windowsill and began to sprint through the streets, knocking over whoever was in his way.

"What an eccentric man," Diddy Kong commented before sipping some tea. "Mmm, I'm _so_ stereotypical."

The wall exploded and Captain Falcon was in the room once more. "I forgot my mushrooms!" He grabbed Goomba-Pikachu and broke through another window.

"Well this-a has gone to hell," Mario said. "Great job big-man, you've really fucked up class today."

Ganondorf pulled out his axe-blade. He slowly swung it at the plumber who swiftly dodged and countered. With a powerful shoryuken to the chin he managed to send Ganondorf's head flying into the ceiling fan, shredding the papier-mâché that made it... Hmm... That's not right, is it?

Where Ganondorf's head used to be was Mario's head! "Oh boy, this is bad."

"Wait a minute!" Young Link screamed, jumping to his feet. "Ganondorf never existed, it's been Mario this whole time!" He looked at the Mario that had punched Mario's fake head off. "You've been lying to us!"

"Young Link, go spend time with Link." Marth gently pushed him toward the rotting ReDead which eagerly stalked its way toward the child.

"So," Peach, who was dressed like Daisy, began, "Mario dressed up like Ganondorf today."

"Which explains why he got hurt from simply punching my suit," Samus indifferently analyzed. "And that makes the other Mario-"

"Toast!" Popo piped up.

"Beat it, kid. That makes the other Mario..." She tore off his face. That Mario seemed to suddenly grow several metres in height, revealing Ganondorf. "...this jackass."

Ganondorf lightly applauded them. "Very good, you've found it out. I planned to be a second Mario in here and convince you all to kill real Mario, but this worked out fine. He made a complete idiot of himself!" Ganondorf then proceeded to kick Mario through the chalkboard. You know, just because he could.

"Hold on a minute!" Jigglypuff hopped onto his desk, catching their attention. "Mario's too short to pose as Ganondorf. How's he so tall?"

His question was answered when Mario, wearing a black chest plate, and Link, wearing black pants, were thrown through the board once again. "Do you kid think this is funny?" Bluon hissed. "I've got to pay for this thing!"

"Hold on another minute," Young Link said as he wrestled with the ReDead. "If you're over there, then who's..."

"The reanimated corpse of Graham Chapman," Link explained.

"Ohhhhhh! That's why this is so funny!" Young Link said, realizing why he felt amused.

"THAT'S ENOUGH!" Ganondorf yelled. "Now that I have been revealed it is time to tell my findings. I have seen my actions from the other side, and have realized-"

"That you should be ni-"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP PICHU!" Ganondorf grabbed Yoshi by the throat and stuffed the green dinosaur into one of his broken desk's drawers. "I've learned that I'm too SOFT! None of you thought that Mario wasn't me so that must be how I normally act, and it was pitiful! From now on here I'll gonna do worse than stuff that was!"

Samus sighed. "Please stop talking. If Shakespeare was here right now he'd kill himself and probably you too."

He chuckled lightly. That was a bad sign. "Mock me now, but once my plan has been implamanded... implodorod... implemontered... put into action, you, along with all the fools whose intolerable actions I have been forced to put up with over these last two months of teaching, will see. You will all see what happens when you take a being like me for granted, thinking that you can get away with your little antics, hoping that they will cause amusement and laughter. Well you're all wrong, and soon you will know what the full extent of the power a Gerudo king is capable of! Any questions?"

"What class have _you_ been watching?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" He shot Kirby out of a cannon.


	44. A Plead for Sanity

_With that, the regular school year is done and after I finish exams next week I'm on my break. Woohoo!_

_Published June 18, 2010_

**_Thursday November 1st: Week 9, Day 44_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf roared from atop his desk. "FOX, I've had enough of your egotistical BULLSHIT!"

Fox giggled as he played Cooking Mama 3: Daddy's Revenge. "Heh heh, bullshit..."

"Either you must contribute a something to the class or you go wander the halls knowing that your life has no purpose and anything you do will be meaningless in the grand scheme of things. CHOOSE NOW!"

Fox shrugged, not looking up from his DSi XL. "I think I'll enter the Hallways of One Thousand Sorrows." He walked to the door, all of the others watching him as he did so since they had nothing better to do. Fox opened the door and a light dramatically flooded through the doorway, forcing him to cover his eyes. "Who's doing that?"

Crazy Hand punched Fox out of the way as he flew into the room, jerking erratically. "HELLOOOOOOOOeverybody! It'sme, CRAZY HAND! Iknowyouhaven'tseenorheardofmeinages, butI' very importantannouncement."

Marth sighed, turning his head away from the giant hand. "Does everyone here require some kind of quirky characteristic?"

"Processing response..." Game & Watch made the noise of a printer from the early 90s. "Answer calculated as: Yes."

"I'm not quirky," Link said, ignoring Crazy Hand's continued rant.

"Nor am... I." They stared at Lucario. "What... is it? I... just said that... I have no quirky... characteristic."

"Anyway..." Marth turned back to Link. "We need to make someone sane even if it's just to get some company in this hellhole."

Link raised an eyebrow. "And just how do you intend to completely rewrite someone's personality?"

As if he were anticipating this question, Marth grinned. "We don't need to change someone into something new. All we need to is change someone back to normal."

"Are you suggesting that we cut open Roy's head and remove whatever strange device Ganondorf put in there no matter what the possibly lethal consequences of this are?" Link looked at Roy from the corner of his eyes, witnessing the spiky-haired warrior pick his nose with his blade. "Let's do it."

"LISTEN TO THE GIANT FLOATING HAND!" Ganondorf threw a sword between the two. This caught their eyes instantly and sent their full attention to the front of the room for the moment, ignoring the now impaled green dinosaur who sat at the back of the room.

"Hurt so early in the day," Yoshi groaned as he looked at the sword that was wedged inside his midsection. "This is already starting off badly, Yoshi..."

-Recess-

Roy walked joyously through the grassy fields that lay at the sides of the school, completely at ease and uncaring of the world around him. As he whistled a tune that he was making up on the spot, Link, Marth and Bowser all hid in the bushes. "Why's he here?" Marth asked, pointing at the Koopa King.

Bowser laughed at his question. "The grasshopper called me in to set up a trap for catching Roy without spilling single drop of blood on your part."

Marth stared at him for a moment. "Hey Link, remember that time when Bowser kidnapped Peach? Do you remember all three thousand times?"

Link nodded. "Yup. But what you forget is that each and every time he captured her successfully, it's only when Mario jumps in that he fails. So he can catch people, he's just awful at keeping them locked up."

"It's my troops that fail, not me," Bowser growled. "I once created a giant fire spewing robot capable of firing multiple heat seeking missiles but then my son got it blown up by a fucking squirt gun! How incompetent can you get?" He had been tuned out.

"So what'll happen?" Marth asked the Hero of Time, watching Roy merrily walk down the path.

"Just watch, you'll like it."

Roy unknowingly triggered a tripwire that was hidden in the grass. This wire sent a signal along a wire which fired a flare into the air two kilometres away. A strong gust came in, blowing in enough clouds to obscure an incoming dirigible bearing Bowser's insignia that hovered right above Roy. The airship dropped a thin rope behind him and a Hammer Bro silently slid down it, landing without making a single sound. The Hammer Bro then bashed Roy in the back of the head, knocking him out cold.

"That was beautiful," Bowser said in awe, wiping a single tear from his face.

"That was ridiculously overcomplicated," Marth snapped, walking out of the bushes to collect Roy.

"All of it was necessary."

-Later-

Roy awoke in a very dark room, his vision blurry from the blow to the head. "Whazgoin' on?"

"Hello Roy," a raspy voice said. "Would you like to play a game?"

Marth smacked Bowser upside the head. "Don't do that." Bowser growled but said nothing.

"Marth? Bowser? Link? What's going on?" Roy realized that he was chained to a chair that was bolted to the floor, unable to even move his fingers. "Let me go!"

"I'm afraid we can't do that," Marth sighed, shaking his head. "You will not be freed until we have fixed what is wrong with you."

"Nothing's wrong with me! Let me out or I'll kill you all! Royandolf, help!"

"Royandolf can't help you here," Bowser chuckled, looking at one of the walls. "These things block out all radio signals so unless Ganny-boy's in here he can't tell you shit."

"W-where's Royandolf? What have you done to him?" Roy screamed, panic clearly rising into his voice. "What the hell is wrong with you guys? You can't just kidnap a guy; this is so against the law that it's not funny!"

Link stroked his chin, imagining he had a goatee. "Remember when you murdered Ness yesterday?"

"Leave the past in the past; this is a completely different situation!"

-Elsewhere-

Ganondorf sat at his desk, his feet thrown on top of a stack of folders as he played Fox's DSi XL. "I'm booooored!" he loudly groaned. "YOU, give me something to do!"

The room's other occupant rolled his eyes at this. "You have the attention span of a goldfish," Mewtwo murmured. "If you really have nothing to do then just find some of your students and go nuts like you usually do."

"I like, I like..." Ganondorf threw the DSi XL to the side and stuck his head out of a window. "ROY! Kill Mario for my amusement! Royandolf commands it!"

Even though Mario screamed and began to run as far away as he could, Roy did not appear or even show a sign of hearing him. "That's strangely odd. He'll respond to anything involving Royandolf even if he's out of hearing range. Strangely odd indeed."

"I guess he didn't hear you," Mewtwo suggested. "Just try again, but use someone else. It looks like Mario's long gone."

Ganondorf pulled out a walkie talkie and held it to his face. "ROY! Royandolf commands you to go to Ganondorf and kill Mario at once!" He received no response. "The walkie talkie I surgically implanted into his head should be telling me everything he says and hears, so why can't I hear anything?"

"Dead batteries?"

"No, no, it doesn't use batteries, it's not wireless. Something is very wrong, and I think I know who's behind it." Ganondorf jumped out the window, running at Sonic with the Sage's Sword raised high above his head and a war cry bursting from his throat. The speedy hedgehog quickly ran off, easily running faster than his pursuer. "Damn. It was worth a shot." He returned to Mewtwo. "Something tells me that LINK is in on this!"

"You just love to attack randomly, don't you?"

"You know me too good. SNAKE!"

Snake swung in through the window. "You rang?"

"I need to find Link!"

"Gotcha." Snake showed them a radar that displayed a red dot, a blue dot, a green dot and a yellow dot. "The green one's a tracking device that's currently inside Link's bloodstream. I injected it in him on my first day here."

"Who're the others?" Mewtwo curiously asked.

"You'll find out some other day when I bring this out again." Snake led them out of the room and down into the school's basement. They went deep into the web of tunnels that lurked below them; they travelled through halls that Mewtwo didn't even know existed in a school, going farther and farther into the ground. "We're almost there," Snake said, not looking up from his device. "It looks like Link's moving."

"Where?" Ganondorf drew his sword, his bloodlust rising.

"There." Snake pointed forward just as Link slid around a corner, a nervous smile covering his face.

"Oh, hey guys. What brings you to down here?" Ganondorf didn't even answer. He charged forward, howling like a banshee, and met Link's shield with his sword. "What, don't even want to talk about it?"

"WHERE IS ROY?"

"For someone who hates questions you sure like to-"

"BE SILENT OR I'LL CUT OUT YOUR STOMACH SO YOU CAN EAT IT FOR MY AMUSEMENT!"

"But you wanted me to answer-"

"This will be fun."

Ganondorf bashed Link farther down the hall and engaged him in a duel. This left the passage Link had come from completely open. "Let's go." Snake put the radar away and snuck down the halls as though he was trying to not alert anyone.

"Why are you walking-" Snake covered Mewtwo's mouth almost immediately.

"We're in hostile territory right now so unless you want me to kill you so I don't get caught you'll shut up and follow me. Got it?" Mewtwo gave him a thumbs up. "Good."

Back with Ganondorf and Link, the two were having a rather slow paced swordfight. Every time Ganondorf hit Link the hero had to recover from the blow and whenever Link hit Ganondorf he didn't even dent his thick armour. "This is going no where," Link decided after a few minutes.

"I disagree," Ganondorf said, grinning at Link`s various bruises.

"This isn't helping Roy though."

"Huh? Oh, yes, Roy, I'm so worried about him. DIE!" Link sidestepped the lunge.

Snake planted C4 on a random steel door and blew it off of its hinges. On the other side were Marth and Bowser, completely unfazed, playing checkers on the floor with Bowser clearly winning. "What have you done with Roy?" Snake questioned, pointing a handgun at them.

"Roy's gone," Marth answered, moving one of his pieces and taking two of Bowser's own. "King me."

"Where is he?" Snake put the gun mere inches from Marth's head.

"Hidden in a place that no one will ever find," Bowser added. "Just give up now."

Mewtwo glanced around the room, sighing in disappointment after doing so. "Is he inside that truck in the back corner?"

"Maybe he is, maybe he isn't." Bowser grinned and looked the Pokémon in the eyes. "There's only one way to find out."

Snake pulled his gun away from Marth and directed it at the chest as he began to cautiously approach it. Mewtwo really wanted him to tell him to walk faster but if he did he'd probably have his neck snapped in his sleep. After almost a minute Snake reached the trunk and began to inspect the exterior for whatever personal reason he had. He even lifted it and looked underneath it during his examination. Finding it satisfactory the spy lifted the lid and looked inside. "Gotcha." Snake pulled Roy, who was chained up and wearing a black bag over his head, out of the trunk and went back to pointing his gun at Marth, completely ignoring Bowser.

"Can we go now?"

"We'll meet Ganondorf at the rendezvous point," Snake said as he threw Roy over his shoulder. "Don't worry Roy, we're getting you out of here." He suddenly dashed for the exit, sprinting past Mewtwo and down the underground hallway.

Mewtwo completely ignored his method of departure. "Was that even Roy?"

Bowser laughed at the question, taking one of Marth's pieces. "Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't."

"It was," Marth bluntly answered. "Bowser's terrible at keeping his victims."

At this moment Ganondorf entered the room, seemingly unscathed by his fight with Link. "Where is ROY?"

"Snake got him," Marth told him.

"You SUCK at keeping people kidnapped!"

"Yeah Marth!" Bowser growled. "What kind of plan is 'hide him in a trunk'?"

Marth took the last of Bowser's pieces. "I win."

"You may have won but you still don't have Roy."


	45. Freedom at Last

_Published August 20, 2010_

**_Friday November 2nd: Week 9, Day 45_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf bellowed in his standard tone. "I have big announcement today. After much effort I have permission to take you all on field trip. START CHEERING NOW!"

"Oh boy!" Popo exclaimed, clapping at this news. "This will be ever so fun!"

"We will definitely be present for this voyage," Nana added excitedly. "Where are we heading to?"

Marth rolled his eyes at their naivety. "We're going to the Land of Puppies and Rainbows, duh. Where else would Ganondorf of all people take us?"

Popo gasped in joy. "I love puppies!"

His sister simply shrugged. "I'm not so fond of puppies but rainbows most definitely aren't bad."

It was Link who predictably ended this ongoing joke. "Seriously though, where are we going?"

Ganondorf began to chuckle lightly. "The Land of Puppies and Rainbows of course. Weren't you listening?" His chuckle erupted into maniacal laughter within seconds.

"I'll pass on this trip," Giga Bowser said. "I'm wasting enough time just being here. I could be out having my own game but since I'm lazy I'll stick with seeing what kind of weird things you come up with."

"Ganondorf is quite an interesting person," Ike said from wherever he sits. It's not like I keep track of that. "A day without his antics is a day with no sun – to lack Ganondorf is to stumble blindly and kick a vacuum cleaner in the darkness."

"Yoshi prefers the vacuum, Yoshi!"

"DO NOT COMPARE ME TO A VACUUM!" Ganondorf whipped out his taser-crossbow and shot it at Yoshi's solar plexus. Strangely, the taser just bounced off of his chest. "The hell? LUCAS, explain!"

Lucas, having never had Ganondorf scream at him before, was unsure of what to say. "Uh... Does it run on battery?"

"How the hell would I know?"

"I-it's yours..."

Ganondorf's brow furrowed as he reeled in the taser. "You make a good point. Trust me kid, I'm good at pointing out good points. For that, I will not abuse you like I did Ness. Speaking of which, ROY! Clean up Ness' body!"

Roy gave Ganondorf a two finger salute before heaving Ness' body over his shoulder. "I'll be back in a jiffy."

As he took off, Marth quickly pulled a cell phone from his pocket. He stared at it. "How do I use this thing?"

Link snatched it from his hand. "I forgot that you're from a medieval world. I'll show you how to use it."

"You're from a medieval world too."

"Oh yeah." Link began to fiddle with the phone, pressing random buttons. He accidentally dialled in a ten digit phone number. As he paused, Luigi's desk violently exploded, the blast killing him and whoever sat on each side of him.

Ganondorf delightfully said, "So _that_ was the number that set my bomb off."

"WHAT?" Samus yelled, her ears still ringing from the thunderous explosion that had occurred less than a metre from her position.

When most of them could hear again and Rayquaza had begun to eat the corpse of Luigi, Link continued to try to work the phone. However, he was afraid that messing with it again would activate another bomb. "Hey Bowser, feel like helping us with something simple?"

"Go die in a fire."

"I'll take that as a no."

"You know," Marth began, "you could always just ask Mr. Technology over there to help us." He gestured toward the front of the room where Fox currently stood.

Link nodded, standing up. "Good idea. Hey Samus, feel like helping us with something simple? It'll spite Ganondorf..."

"WHAT?"

-Somewhere else in the school-

The dumpster was closed, forever sealing Ness' body. "And that's that," Roy said to himself, brushing the flakes of dried blood from his hands.

Without warning the wall beside him exploded with an, "OH YEEEAAAH!" Captain Falcon jumped from the hole, doing several flips in midair, and landed next to Roy. He struck a Ginyu Force pose.

"Did you just break _out_ through the w-"

"ROY!" Captain Falcon yelled, his booming voice easily overpowering Roy's own. "I've been regrettably told that you've lost your AWESOMEness."

"I don't think Ness was that aw-"

"I, the Captain AWESOME Douglas Falcon, plan to remedy this problem in the most AWESOME way possible: EXTREEEEEEEEME BRICK BREAKING! Choose a wall and break through it with a thunderous scream! C'mon, you know you wanna."

"_Roy, what's taking so long? Ganondorf is getting impatient! I know this because I am Royandolf._"

"In a minute Royandolf. Captain Falcon wants me to break through a wall with him."

"_What? Get away from that lunatic. Go back to Ganondorf where it's safe, do it now!_"

Captain Falcon was suddenly in Roy's face. "This AWESOME one had been tainted. I know a solution! FALCON... PAWNCH!" Captain Falcon delivered a Falcon Punch to Roy's forehead with enough force to make an elephant explode. Roy flinched from the blow but was otherwise fine.

-In class-

Ganondorf felt like a transport truck just hit his face and was suddenly propelled backwards for no visible reason. He went cart wheeling through at least four walls, his forehead exploding with blood that was soon flying through the air and spilling into the rooms he passed. The wall that finally stopped him was significantly damaged. Ganondorf rolled onto his back, taking a moment to gather his wits. "The fuck?"

No one was sure what had just happened or why it did. "That was satisfying," Samus commented while attempting to tent her fingers. As one hand had a gun on it this was difficult to accomplish.

This moment of confusion was interrupted by another. The wall at the back of the class exploded, the bricks and mortar being propelled by an unknown force at those who sat at the back of the room. Roy jumped through. "OH YEEEAAAH!"

The wall that bordered the outside world shared the same fate, only this time it was Captain Falcon who entered. "OH YEEEAAAH! That was AWESOME my protégée!"

Pit sprang to his feet, saying, "Everyone stop doing things for a moment! What is going on?"

Captain Falcon and Roy ran to the front of the room, striking a group pose. "I have purged my AWESOME young friend here of Ganondorf's AWESOME influence. He has seen the light; free birds shall fly together! **YES!**" Captain Falcon pumped his fist while thrusting out his pelvis for no particular reason.

At this point Sonic decided to go check on Ganondorf, to give everyone the heads up when it looked like he was going to come back.

Kirby looked up at Falcon and Roy in awe. "Can I be part of your flock?" he asked with stars in his eyes.

"Of course!" Captain Falcon exclaimed. "We AWESOMEly accept anyone with a pure heart and the lungs of an elephant!"

Bowser lazily raised his arm. "Can I join?"

"Of course!"

This continued for a while; Captain Falcon began to recruit everyone who didn't like Ganondorf. Mario of course was unconscious in the back of the room so he didn't get on the team.

Link turned to Marth, a smirk on his face. "I declare this a success. Roy's normal-ish and Ganondorf's bleeding in another room."

"Captain Falcon's better than Ganondorf," Marth agreed as be pulled out a bottle of champagne. "I declare a toast to Ganondorf's pain."

Link poured some into one of his empty bottles. "To Ganondorf's pain." They tapped their glasses together and began to relentlessly chug the alcohol.

The celebrations were cut short when Sonic sped into the room. "He's slowly coming back!" The room went quiet. Ganondorf's footsteps could be heard echoing from the hallway, ominously growing louder with each step. The steps paused outside of the door as though he were contemplating how to enter.

The door was torn from its hinges and thrown at the already unconscious Mario, guaranteeing that he would be out for a very long time. The king of evil stalked into the room, hunched over and pushing a hand to his forehead to slow the bleeding. No one said anything as he threw himself onto his own chair, sighing loudly. The silence continued for several minutes. Conversations gradually surfaced, and when everyone saw that Ganondorf wasn't silencing them they began to talk.

Ganondorf rose to his feet, the class falling silent. His gaze panned across them, his face covered in half dried blood. "As I was saying, field trip will be sometime in future. No need to pay or bring in forms as I have hacked into your bank accounts and forged all signatures needed."

"Uh, Ganondorf?" Samus interrupted, her face clearly displaying confusion. No one could see it through her helmet of course. "Aren't you going to comment on what just happened?"

"NO QUESTIONS WHILE I'M TALKING!"

"Answer the fucking question!"

He sighed, speaking through grit teeth, "I've had much worse and if I comment on every single strange thing I'd be here for ages. You fucking satisfied?"

"Not really."

"I don't give a damn."


	46. Blood of a Maniac

_I'll tell you all right now that this is one of the chapters that I've been planning since way back in 2007. I have a lot of pre-planned chapters that I like to space out around the spur of the moment chapters. You know, to make sure that I always have some ideas ready._

_Published August 26, 2010_

**_Monday November 5th: Week 10, Day 46_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf screamed, his face still caked with blood. "Where the fuck is everyone?"

Six regulars were currently absent. As large as the class was that many missing people would definitely go noticed.

"Maybe they got fed up with you and left," Samus suggested apathetically. "Hell knows the only reason I'm still here is because without me keeping your attention so often you'd probably have killed Mario every day."

Ganondorf seemed to only hear the last part of her sentence. "You're right! I haven't killed Mario in ages!" Mario didn't bring up how the teacher tracked him down and tore his head off yesterday. He knew what would come if he drew Ganondorf's attention. "I need to write it down on my hand. But it would come off when I shower."

"I can tell that you shower often," Marth remarked.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" Ganondorf kicked a desk with enough force to send it crashing into Marth's torso. Pit decided that he could live without a desk. "Now where are those assholes?"

The back wall exploded inwards, showering the room with dust and stone. "Are you fucking kidding me?" Ganondorf roared as the smoke began to clear. "No one bursts into a classroom intrusively except me. NO ONE!"

Nine forms of varying shape and size appeared through the dust, posing. Some posed with great enthusiasm while others looked like they'd have more fun being digested for a thousand years. "**YES!**" Captain Falcon roared from the middle. "We are the defenders of good and AWESOMEness: the Rainbow Rangers! I am Rainbow Red, the AWESOME fearless leader!"

Roy said from his right, "I am Rainbow Crimson, the kickass second in command!"

On the other side of Falcon was Kirby. "I'm Rainbow Brown, the fat stereotype of the group!"

Meta Knight swung his sword in random directions. "I, Meta Knight, am Rainbow Purple, the most skilled swordsman in the land!"

Bowser sighed. "I'm Rainbow Pink, and I don't give a crap."

Jigglypuff did a quick twirl. "I'm Rainbow Cyan, the musician with an ambiguous gender!"

Young Link held his sword high above his head. "I am Rainbow Orange, the most skilled swordsman in the land!"

Dedede spun around, flailing his arms and legs as though he were dancing. "Hi hi hi, I'm Rainbow White, the one with an army of Waddle Dees in his sleeve!"

Pikachu muttered, "I can't believe I'm doing this," before announcing, "I am Rainbow Yellow, and I can shoot lightning."

Captain Falcon jumped on top of Yoshi's desk. "Together, we are the Rainbow Rangers, the most AWESOME people ever!"

The room was so silent that a tumbleweed blew in through the window and exited via the ajar door. "There are a few things that I need to say," Marth said, breaking the awkward silence. "First: there are nine of you. Rainbows only have seven colours. Second: you aren't the colours of the rainbow. In fact, there are three variations of red among you. Third: there are two of you with the same characteristic. Fourth: the colour scheme makes no sense. Why is Young Link orange instead of green?"

"I don't like green," Young Link said. "It's an icky colour."

"Fifth: didn't the Prism Rangers already call dibs on the rainbow colours?"

Captain Falcon nodded at Marth's points as he sat on Yoshi's desk. "You make excellent points, my friend. However, the look of dread that falls upon our opponents' faces when they see our AWESOME might is all that we want. The AWESOME name's just for show. Buuut, to be more original, we shall be the Fantastic Nine! I am Captain Fantastic, the leader with a flexible schedule!"

Roy wholeheartedly agreed with this change. "I will be Torch Blade, the man who can set his sword on fire!"

"I'll be That Thing," Kirby declared.

"ENOUGH!" Ganondorf yelled. His deafening voice was enough to put an end to anything, even lives. "The only one who can loudly announce whatever bullshit he feels like is ME! Captain Falcon, stop with all the bullshit! Stop corrupting my students with your egotistical bullshit!""

"Is it bullshit?" Marth mocked.

"Shut the fuck up Marth! You'll never be like Ike, so stop trying! Also, your mother hates you and the world would be better if you had never existed."

"Ouch."

Ganondorf leaped across the room, landing in front of Captain Falcon's perch. "I am tired of seeing you," he snapped. "Why must you pester me so much and disrupt this perfect teaching environment?"

Captain Falcon took in Ganondorf's appearance. "Uh, Ganondorf, you've got some AWESOME red stuff on your face."

Ganondorf swiped a large amount of dried blood from his face, sending flakes forward and toward Captain Falcon. A particularly large flake went up his visor and hit Captain falcon in the eye. He blinked rapidly, trying to dislodge the stinging disturbance. Eventually it dissolved, entering his body. "Ouch, that wasn't AWESOME. It kinda stung."

"Oh BOO HOO! 'I'm Captain Falcon, and I don't like uncomfortable feelings! I got some blood in my eye!' You have to watch an overweight guy rub a strawberry against his hairy, naked chest before you can say that you've suffered. Have you seen that? No? THEN SHUT THE FUCK UP BEFORE I SEW YOUR MOUTH SHUT WITH FLAMING BARBED WIRE! EVERYTHING HURTS MORE WHEN ON FIRE! People have no common sense these days."

Captain Falcon wasn't paying attention to Ganondorf; he was busier rubbing his eye. "This thing sure does sting. Damn, this is pissing me off!"

"I don't like where this is going," Link whispered to Marth.

"You know what? A lot of things piss me off! All of you piss me right the fuck off!" Ganondorf stepped to the side of the room, eagerly watching what was sure to be an interesting event. "You're all always griping and moaning about how everything sucks. Won't any of you ever shut up and take action? Seriously, you're all a bunch of pansy-ass whiners that won't take do anything and just expect people like me to solve all of your problems! I'm one dude; I can't do everything! My god, won't someone take the bucket off of their head and do something? There's no fucking way I'm going to fix everything for you. You want me to get rid of Ganondorf? Go to hell. I'm not your whipping boy. I have my own fucking life and it isn't dedicated to any of you!"

"Captain Falcon, what's wrong?" Mario hesitantly asked the raving man.

"MARIO! You're one of the worst! You keep on smothering me, it's pathetic! LEAVE ME ALONE! DIE!" Captain Falcon grabbed Mario and tore his head off, relishing in the bloodshed. Without missing a beat he turned to Pikachu. "You need to show more enthusiasm as a Rainbow Ranger!" He stomped on the Pokémon, crushing his skull.

Froth began to overflow from the raging racer's mouth. "All of you little bastards think I'm just boisterous Captain Falcon, the guy without a care in the world." He grabbed Bowser by the tail and swung him around, throwing him at a crowd of small students. "I hate everyone!" He Falcon Punched Giga Bowser. The giant Koopa went flying into the wall, crushing several others between the stone and his spiked shell. "What has this world become? EVERYTHING NEEDS TO BURN! I'M BRINGING THIS PLACE DOWN! EVERYTHING IS GOING TO FUCKING DIE! RAINBOW RANGERS, AWAY!" Captain Falcon jumped through an open window, disappearing from view.

No one said anything; everyone was either too shocked or stifling laughter.

"That was fun, wasn't it?" Ganondorf cheerfully broke the silence, a huge smile covering his face.

Mario and Pikachu were dead; Pichu, Popo, Nana, Yoshi and Lucas had been crushed by Bowser; Donkey Kong, Falco and Peach were currently impaled on Giga Bowser's spiked shell.

"We should do it again sometime."

-3 hours later-

Captain Falcon felt something gnawing on his hair. He opened his eyes, sitting up and pushing away the rabbit that had been trying (and failing) to eat him. He was on a grassy hill and a nearby sign conveniently told him that he was in Switzerland. Aside from a lampshade on his head, he was completely naked and covered in blood. Captain Falcon blinked a few times, trying to recall how he had gotten there. He tried to scratch his chin only to find that Mario's decapitated head was super glued to his right palm.

"Man, whatever I did must have been AWESOME."

-Back in class-

Zelda sighed as she finished healing the last person that she could. "That's all I can do until we find Mario's head. So tell me what triggered _Captain Falcon's_ psychotic rampage because it's the weirdest thing that's happened here so far, and that's saying something."

"Ganondorf's blood did it," Mewtwo said. A glob of blood materialized at chest level, kept together by his psychic powers. "Some got in Falcon's eye and he just lost it, yelling at and killing everyone. That's what I heard at least. I was in the bathroom when it was happening."

"Doing what? You have no penis or ass."

"That's more personal than I'm comfortable answering."

Zelda dropped the subject, turning to Ganondorf. "Can I take a bit of your blood?"

"For the right price," Ganondorf said, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh you, didn't you get enough last night?"

"LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!" Link screamed, putting his hands over his ears. "I'M WALKIN' ON SUNSHINE, WHOA-OH! AND DON'T IT FEEL GOOD!"


	47. The Field Trip Begins

_Published October 25, 2010_

**_Tuesday November 6th: Week 10, Day 47_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION! And what a class it will be." Beside Ganondorf lay three bags of luggage along with two briefcases, one small and one long. "Where the hell is all of your stuff?"

"It's the field trip today, isn't it?" Giga Bowser droned, seemingly annoyed by the suddenness of Ganondorf's escapade.

"NO QUESTIONS YOU SEX DEPRIVED FROG FUCKER!"

Popo anxiously raised his hand. "Mr. Dorf, what is a fucker?"

"DORF IS NOT MY LAST NAME!" Ganondorf grabbed Mario by the collar and threw him at Popo. Luckily for the ice climber his aim was a bit off and the plumber crashed face first into Yoshi. This was much more out of his way than you would think; Mario was five desks away from his starting position. "Now everyone get on bus!" Ganondorf began to toss random students out of a window.

-On the bus-

"I DRIVE!" Ganondorf pulled the bus driver from his seat and took the wheel.

The students crammed themselves onto the bus. It was only meant to seat around twenty people so technically they were barely above the limit. The reason that they were crammed so tightly was people like Giga Bowser and Petey Piranha. No one knew why he was there and they were too afraid to start a conversation with the giant.

"Can this thing even move with all of us on it?" Mewtwo asked. He hovered beside Ganondorf.

"It'll do what I want it to if it knows what's best for it." He pushed the gas pedal. The bus shook, struggling to move forward with all of the weight pressing down on it. It dragged across the ground, sparks shooting up from where the metal met the asphalt.

It took four minutes for the bus to leave the school's parking lot. The two hands who ran the institution were watching this from afar. "I _did_ give permission for a field trip, right?"

"Idunno. WhywouldyouthinkIknow? HowwouldIknow? Stopbuggingme!"

After a few more gruelling minutes Ganondorf started using magic to make the bus move faster.

It wouldn't take a genius to know that Ganondorf was a very aggressive and impatient driver. Unlike other angry drivers who tailgated and pass when passing isn't needed, Ganondorf blew things up. He blew them up for being too slow, he blew them up for being too fast (claiming that they were showing off), he blew them up for going the same speed as him (saying they were either mocking him or pissed him off by existing). His wrath wasn't limited to his side of the road; Ganondorf would attack anyone that he saw.

"I'm surprised that no one's tried to pull us over yet," Marth said as he griped the seat with all of his might, trying to avoid getting thrown around by Ganondorf's driving.

Jigglypuff was about to respond when Ganondorf suddenly did a u-turn. "I SEE HIM!" the Gerudo king roared.

Captain Falcon was having a light workout on the rooftops, leaping from building to building as he sang a song that he was making up on the spot. Somehow his rival had spotted him and was now driving vertically up a building to intercept him.

"Error code zero-zero-two: breaking the laws of physics," Game&Watch said, unsure of how the bus was doing this.

Ganondorf stopped the bus in front of Captain Falcon. "GET IN!" He grabbed the man by his helmet and threw him into the bus, continuing toward his destination.

"Excuse me," Kirby said to Captain Falcon. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Go for it Rainbow Brown!"

"Huh? Oh, yeah, that. Weren't you in Switzerland yesterday? Did you just get back or did you somehow get back here yesterday?"

Captain Falcon laughed as though reliving a humorous memory. "That day was AWESOME, wasn't it?"

"Mario was mentally scarred by his hero decapitating him, but aside from that I guess so."

"To answer your question: I hitched a ride with some AWESOME pirates and they brought me back. I just got home this morning, and what an AWESOME morning it was."

"I think I'll just accept that."

With that conversation done, Samus turned around from the seat in front of Falcon and said, "Aren't you a bit, you, know, concerned that the guy you defeated the other day, who doesn't take defeat lightly mind you, is taking you with him to an unknown destination?"

"Nah, Ganondorf's AWESOME. We have an AWESOME understanding."

Samus flinched, her ears buzzing. "Do you _really_ need to scream 'awesome' at the top of your lungs when I'm right here?"

"**YES!**"

"Stop yelling!"

They drove for an hour before something notable happened. It was as the bus was on a road going through a dense forest when Ganondorf jerked the wheel right and sped into the canopy. "What the fuck are you doing?" Marth yelped, caught off guard by his sudden move. The bus smashed through tree branches, destroying all in its path.

Ganondorf said nothing. He then put a concrete block on the gas pedal, opened the door and jumped out of the bus, leaving them speeding through the wilderness.

"Where did he get that block?" Kirby asked. Due to the situation, he was ignored.

"BAIL!" Luigi jumped out of a window and was soon followed by everyone except Mewtwo and Giga Bowser. They made no attempt to leave and the bus disappeared through the foliage, taking them with it.

"Uncle Giga!" Bowser roared.

"Is his first name really Giga?" Samus asked, confused over the name.

"No, that's stupid. Why would anyone be named after the Greek G? His first name is Giga _Bowser_."

"That's even worse."

The students gathered in the path that the bus had cleared through the forest. They were soon joined by Ganondorf who was eating roasted marshmallows off of sticks. "I smelled a campfire and stole this from the campers," he joyfully explained. "Girl scouts didn't stand a fucking chance."

"So you bailed and left us rampaging through the forest for marshmallows?" Marth snarled through gritted teeth.

"You are my god!" Kirby cried, bowing to the Gerudo king.

Ganondorf disinterestedly shrugged while munching on a marshmallow. "Yes. I am. NOW, we are close to site. FOLLOW NOW!"

-Half an hour later-

"WE ARE HERE!" In front of them was a massive stadium. It looked large enough to contain at least thirty thousand spectators, making them curious and frightful of why exactly Ganondorf had brought them here. The man in question began to open a suitcase, removing a high quality video recording camera that could be shoulder-mounted with ease. "I will explain to you what you're doing here."

"Thank you."

"NO THANKING!" Ganondorf bashed Pit in the face with his camera. "As you know, Brawl will have an adventure mode."

"It will?"

"NO QUESTIONS!" He stabbed Kirby with a stick. "I, being a great person, was told to film all of the cutscenes with a deadline of January tenth. The first scene is in this stadium so I spent the last few months finding an audience."

"Did you kidnap people and throw them in the stands?" Link wondered aloud. He made sure that he was in the back of the crowd, far out of Ganondorf's grabbing range.

Ganondorf took offense to this question and retaliated by bashing Young Link in the head with his camera. "NOW YOU CAN'T DO COMPLEX MATH!"

"I could _never_ do complex math."

"Just for that, I'm fucking Zelda when I get back. Now INSIDE!"

-Meanwhile-

The bus had crashed into a spa where Mewtwo and Giga Bowser had then booked a room. Mewtwo had gone swimming while Giga Bowser was getting a back massage. Well, the masseuse was trying...

-In the stadium-

"ACTION!" Petey Piranha smacked Mario off of the platform with an empty cage. As Ganondorf forgot to bring Zelda, her cage was empty and he was going to edit in a picture of her. "CUT! Mario, come back up here and we'll DO IT AGAIN! Hit him harder this time."

Mario struggled to pull himself back onto the platform, rubbing his bruised jaw as he got to the top. "I feel like Giga Bowser just orally raped me."

"ACTION!" Petey bashed him with the cage with enough force to launch him out of the stadium.

"Aha!" Petey roared. "I've beaten your hero, Mario! Mwa ha ha ha!"

"Halt!" Kirby said. "Stop doing whatever it is that you're doing you mean guy!"

Marth poked Ganondorf in the shoulder, disrupting his shoot. "I think we should cut _all_ of the dialogue. It kinda sucks ass."

"My dialogue is perfect!"

Samus smacked him in the head with the script. "Half of the script is fractured English and the whole thing is full of everyone except you insulting themselves."

"GO TO NEXT LINE!"

Petey looked at his script. "How do you pronounce this wordamajig?"

Ganondorf sighed into the air. "Your line is 'I will fuck you in the colon with my green, photosynthesizing dick until I you're a pink pile of mush which I'll use to bake cookies with' now SAY IT!"

"Ooo, I like cookies."

"So do I now do it so I can bake cookies from Kirby!"

"WAIT a minute," Link interrupted, approaching the cameraman/director with the script in hand. "What does it mean by 'Peach becomes trophy'? Blatant sexism or some kind of weird effect?"

"ONLY I CAN SPEAK IN CAPS LOCK! It part of story that when people get shot they become trophies... Don't ask me, I didn't think it up. Frankly I think it's bullshit but whatever. We will use practical effects for this. We will dip Peach in liquid cement for trophy!"

Peach laughed nervously. "Petey, how'd you like to let me out of this cage for a bit? It's for but a moment, I want to stretch my legs... in a sprint."

-A few scenes later-

"That," Marth began, "was the most disturbing sight to ever grace the Earth. I want to tear out my eyes just so the pain can distract me from what I just saw. I never want to see anything even close to that league in disturbing ever again. If you were to die in the most painful way possible, I would not mourn you. I would be happy. Please die so there is no longer the risk of your doing that ever again."

Wario grinned, removing his finger from his nose.

-Even more scenes later-

"And that's a wrap for the night," Ganondorf said as he turned the camera off. "All stadium scenes have been shot so we'll move on to forest scenes tomorrow. CAMPING TIME!" He hoisted the Peach 'trophy' over his shoulder and walked to the exit doors.

From there Ganondorf set up a single tent. No one else was prepared to stay out all night and elected to just sleep under the stars.

Popo approached Ganondorf. "Excuse me my friend; may I share a tent with you? I appear to not have my own and it would be ever so nice if we shared." Ganondorf said nothing, merely kicking the ice climber into a tree.


	48. Roy's Dilemma

_I thought I had put this up already but apparently not. My bad._

_Published December 13, 2010 _

**_Wednesday November 7th: Week 10, Day 48_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf jerked upright in his tent while screaming his catchphrase. He burst through the tent flaps and impaled Luigi on his arm. "Damn, wrong one. I shouldn't get up so quickly."

He wasn't the first one to awaken. Captain Falcon was already up and about in his regular, energetic state. He was trying to get Bowser up, having already gotten Roy, Kirby, Jigglypuff, Young Link and Pikachu.

"Screw off," Bowser mumbled, rolling away from the eccentric nutcase.

"Come on!" Captain Falcon grabbed his shell and pulled the Koopa King to his feet. "The Rainbow Rangers are having an AWESOME meeting and we need everyone up!"

"I thought we were the Fantastic Nine..."

"I was vetoed. Now wake up, come on!" He gave Bowser an enthusiastic slap on the back.

"FALCON!" Ganondorf screamed, waking the remaining sleepers. "You sicken me by existing. I challenge you to a race around the world."

"I AWESOMEly accept this AWESOME challenge!" Captain Falcon took off in a sprint, disappearing from view.

"That keep him busy. NOW... I want one of you and only one to make us breakfast. I get best of course. LUCARIO, DO IT NOW!"

Lucario held up his hands, showing the spikes that stuck out of his palms. "I think that... it will... be hard."

"I'm not expecting a buffet or anything. Just make me hamburger, and keep grease! I need to do my hair."

Lucario struggled to do this but managed to succeed. "Do you want... any toppings on it?"

"NO SHIT! I want cheese, bacon and ketchup. Everything else SUCKS. Especially mustard, I fucking HATE that shit." Ganondorf continued to rant about how all other condiments and toppings were subpar to the ones he had listed.

"Yes would have been... enough."

Samus glared at the dog Pokémon. "Stop talking like that right now. It's annoying, stupid and it makes you sound like you're too stupid to talk."

"Whilst her words are harsh, the maiden is correct in that a master linguist ye are not," Ike supported.

"And _you_. Were you taught to speak using the Complete Works of William Shakespeare?"

Ganondorf used Luigi's body as a seat while he ate his burger. "You killed him way too quickly," Bowser commented from his side.

The Gerudo king simply shrugged, saying, "I was tired. Just get Zelda to revive..." He paused, scanning the clearing for the princess in question. "Wait a minute..."

"Nice foresight."

"I DO NOT WEAR GLASSES!" Ganondorf was no longer hungry. He threw the remains of Lucario's burger to the ground and rose to his feet, lumbering into his tent to fetch his camera equipment. "I must find spare batteries in case current one dies. For every dead battery I KILL unnecessary character."

Peach leaned over to Marth and whispered, "You could always burn down the tent while he's in it. Death by fire would be slow and very painful." He gaped at her, not expecting Princess Peach to say that. "Oh don't tell me that you haven't considered it."

As Ganondorf started packing up his tent, Roy scooting over to him. "So, Ganny-boy-"

"DO NOT CALL ME THAT! Royandolf would be ashamed."

"Huh? Oh yeah, that a-hole. Anyway, when do we film my epic intro scene? If you want, I could burst from the ground, my sword aflame and a sunset in the background. We could have a lens flare and everything."

Ganondorf frowned, wishing that people had actually read the script. He stapled it to Mario's forehead last night after all. "You have no part in Brawl story."

"Oh, so I'm just a background character then?" Roy asked, his shoulders drooping in dejection. Still, he attempted to make the best of the situation. "Well I'll be a great supporting actor. I took classes and everything."

"No. You just plain aren't in Brawl. Didn't you get memo?"

Roy blinked a few times, hoping that Ganondorf was playing a joke on him. "What?"

"We're cutting back on clone characters. Fighters like me have a wide array of kick ass moves to use and Young Link will have surgery next Wednesday, but someone obscure like you doesn't have any unique moves."

"Yes I do!"

"Well I've never played the shitty Flaming Emblem or whatever game you're in and I don't feel like importing it so I took the easy way out. On the plus side, I got you a job as a water boy. We prepare film now! LINK, give me Master Sword."

"Wha- No!"

"It was worth a shot. Okay, so while I wait for cloud cover to disappear so we have ideal lighting you can all read over script. Today we shoot scenes thirteen to eighteen so MARIO, LINK, YOSHI, PEACH, KIRBY, GET THE SHIT OVER HERE!"

For those of you who are crazy enough to wonder, Ganondorf is the type of director who wants everything done his way right down to the millimetre. He shot a scene with Link and Yoshi, getting angry at them when they didn't have a breeze blow by when he wanted it to. This resulted in the two of them dodging the machinegun that shot swords for the better part of an hour. Being green, they could hide in the foliage every few minutes until Ganondorf sniffed them out. Eventually he got angry and turned on Mario, filling him with swords.

"What do we do about his scenes?" Kirby asked, glad that it wasn't him who was hurt this time.

"CGI solves all problems. Now GET IN PLACE!"

During the shooting Ganondorf frequently stopped the shot simply to punch an actor in the face without telling them anything. He wanted things done his way and got violent when they didn't meet his standards, but coincidentally neglected to explain what those standards were.

"Why do all of you suck at acting?" Ganondorf roared, lowering the camera from his shoulder. "LUCARIO, make lunch now!"

Everyone dropped onto the forest floor, taking full advantage of their break. "He's a fucking slave driver," Link groaned as he laid eagle spread in the grass. "I'm too tired to crap in the bushes. If I start smelling like shit can someone fetch me a new pair of pants?" No one gave him an answer.

Marth left Link, approaching Roy in the hopes of having a normal conversation. The red haired swordsman was curled up off to the side, his knees pulled to his chest with one arm while the other used a stick to draw awful stickman drawings. His hopes were beginning to deflate but he figured that it was worth a shot. "What's up? You've been looking very miserable lately, and I mean far beyond the state of depression that most people go through when they learn there's no escape from Ganondorf. And that's saying something."

Roy jabbed his stick into the ground. "I'm not in Brawl. I've been thrown away like a cigarette bud; my sweet, addicting toxin's been used up and now they're putting in a fresh stick to satisfy their cravings."

Marth lightly rolled his eyes. "Deep. Cheer up! This means that you don't even need to be here! Why are you still here, why aren't you escaping? This is a gift!"

"You're not held in by contract, Marth. You're allowed to quit anytime you want."

"And let some pansy-ass twat who has no technical sword skills take my spot? I'd have a bunch of rabid wolves tear my nuts off and leave me to slowly die of blood loss and disease with my dignity disintegrating around me before I let the day come that Cain is in a high profile game without me to kick his ass." Roy stared up at him, his drawings forgotten. "I've made it to day 48. It's made me into a horrible, bitter person with no cares for the rest of humanity. I'm not backing out after all I've gone through."

"That was more graphic than I wanted it to be."

"Didn't you hear the bitter part? We're getting off topic; this isn't about me after all. You need to take this chance to get out. Bail, it's your only hope!"

Roy stood up, determination on his face as he snapped the stick on his knee. "I've been in here just as long as you have."

"Yes, but you were all brainwashed and evil for most of it!" He noticed Roy's look of confusion. "Never mind, continue."

"I'm not backing out just because some blue haired Shakespearean, um... _idiot_ with a huge-ass sword is going for my spot!"

Marth interjected, "I think he already has your spot."

"Shut up!" Roy snapped. "What I'm saying is that I'm going to prove that I deserve a spot."

"**YES!**" Captain Falcon dropped from above, his outburst almost making them soil themselves. "Spoken like a truly AWEOME Rainbow Ranger! You must challenge Ike to honourable combat and prove your superiority in AWESOME swordsmanship! Only then will your AWESOME dreams come true, only then will you have the chance of being red in the next season!"

-Several minutes later-

Marth and Roy peered through the bushes into a small clearing. In the field were Ike and Link, the latter looking ready to keel over and die. "I've not been gifted with a duel for a fortnight and my blood seethes at the thought," Ike spoke, his sword already drawn. "Shall we go?"

"'Kay." Link sloppily drew his sword, yawning loudly.

"We must watch for any weaknesses," Roy whispered.

Link and Ike both attacked the other, their swords clashing. Link swerved to the side, shoving his sword in an attempt to unbalance Ike but soon found himself having to block another swing. Their fight continued, the two exchanging blows with power that was far out of Roy's league.

After a few moments the fight concluded when Ike slashed Link across the calf causing him to fall onto his back, wide open for a finishing blow. Instead, Ike helped him to his feet. "'Twas a good spar," Ike commented.

In the bushes, Marth gave Roy a pat on the shoulder. "Have fun."

"Water boys get cameos, right?"

"Of course they do."


	49. The Field Trip Ends with Death

_I hate myself sometimes. I had to rewrite two parts of this chapter when I learned that characters I had already killed in the last two chapters were present and playing roles. Continuity is hard to keep up in a story like this. Oh well, all is well now because I proofread. Proofreading is very good._

_Published December 29, 2010_

**_Thursday November 8th: Week 10, Day 49_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf burst out of his tent, glancing around the clearing. "Where is Sonic?"

Mewtwo teleported to his side. "Hiding."

He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes and becoming still. At first, everyone was unnerved to see such an angry man so quiet. Then his eyes sprung open and he tore a nearby tree from the ground, revealing his blue adversary. "DIE!"

They ran around the clearing, Ganondorf constantly attempting to crush him with the tree trunk. Luckily for the hedgehog he soon grew bored and threw the tree at Young Link.

"Today we will finish filming forest bits and go home. I hope you remember where I parked because I will not be guiding."

-Meanwhile-

Giga Bowser was taking a nice morning bath by standing in the deep end of the spa's pool. He sipped an oil drum full of champagne, sighing contently. Mewtwo appeared at his side. "They're heading back today."

"Don't care."

-Back at the camp-

"ACTING NOW!"

Ganondorf smashed the camera against Link's face before turning it on. The hero staggered backwards, blood spurting from his broken nose. "Stop doing that you dick!"

"ACT OR I FUCK ZELDA AGAIN!"

"Urgh..." Link dramatically pointed at Mario. "Mario! Today is the day of which you die unless you stop doing that right now!"

Bowser, having shoved Mario's corpse on a stick, hit Link with his body.

"Them's fightin' words!" Link pulled out his sword and stabbed the plumber.

Behind Ganondorf's chair, Samus was sifting through the script they had been given. "Ganny-boy, I don't see this scene anywhere in here."

"Sakurai said 'be creative' so creative I be," Ganondorf answered.

"...By having Link stab a Mario-on-a-stick."

"Exactly. CUT!"

-Back in the school-

Zelda swirled a corked vial of Ganondorf's blood, cautiously doing whatever she could to make sure that none was lost. "I think I've got a grasp on what it does."

Dr. Mario, her sparsely seen assistant, looked at the bloody ooze contained between her fingers. "What's it-a do?"

"If it gets into your body in any way you'll let go of all inhibitions and just go insane on whoever you have even the slightest dislike for. Look over here." She directed him at a tank full of tarantulas. "Watch this."

Zelda pulled out an inchworm and slipped a drop of blood onto it. She dropped it into the tank. Ten seconds later all of the spiders were obliterated, the inchworm bashing around the inside of the tank with blood all over it.

"Wow-a," Dr. Mario exclaimed, gaping at the sight. "That's some strong-a stuff."

"Yes it is you Italian stereotype, yes it is."

"Is this why-a you've been getting-a more angry since you started dat-a-ing Ganondorf?" She glared at him. "I'm just asking."

An explosion of glass cut the conversation short. Their gaze jerked to the tank only to see it shattered, the inchworm gone. "Oh shit."

-With the class-

"ALL OVER!" Ganondorf roared as he put the lens cap back on his camera. "I for one declare this filming session a success. KIRBY, STAY AWAY FROM THAT BOOM MIC!" Ganondorf impaled the pink orb on his camera.

Marth pre-emptively climbed a tree. "He wasn't near a boom mic."

Ganondorf glared at the swordsman who sat just out of his reach. He wordlessly walked back into his tent.

"That was-" The revving of a chainsaw made him go silent. "Bye guys!" He tried to jump to another tree but missed grabbing a large branch, falling down to the forest floor.

The chainsaw wielding madman cut through his own tent just as Marth sat up, his back cracking loudly. "NO ONE MOCKS GANONDORF!"

"Whoa, hold on for one AWESOME minute!" Captain Falcon burst from the ground in front of Ganondorf. "We don't need violence to AWESOMEly solve AWESOME problems."

"Say awesome one more time and this goes in scrotum."

"Ganondorf, you're AWESOME."

Ganondorf paused, contemplating his reaction for a second. "Yeah, I am."

"And that means that you need to solve problems with AWESOME methods."

"Like tearing Marth's fucking face off with a chainsaw."

Captain Falcon's smile faltered. "That's not really what I meant. You need to use AWESOME methods like talking, or FALCON PAWNCHing."

Ganondorf dropped his chainsaw. "You're right." Everyone stared, awed over how Douglas had just made Ganondorf drop a lethal weapon. "I should PUNCH MARTH IN THE THROAT! DIE!"

With that, another chase began. Ganondorf, having the endless endurance that he did, pursued Marth through the forest, pushing trees aside as he blindly ran forward. Unfortunately for the tyrant, Marth had ducked to the side a long time ago and snuck back to camp leaving him running after nothing.

-At the spa-

Giga Bowser jerked up from his massage, almost impaling the masseuse on his shell. "He's coming," the behemoth hissed.

Just as predicted, Ganondorf burst through the wall. "WHERE IS THE BLUE HAIRED PUSSY?"

He suddenly glared at the conveniently blue haired masseuse. "No wait this is just hair dyAAHHH!"

-At the camp several minutes later-

The roar of an engine collected everyone's attention. It steadily grew louder and reached its apex when the beaten up bus they had come in burst from the canopy. Ganondorf began to do doughnuts in the grass, bashing many students through the air as he did so.

Once the whole place was dirt he stopped, calmly opening the bus door. "IN. NOW."

Everyone cautiously entered the bus, noticing that Giga Bowser and Mewtwo were sulking in the back. The process was going routinely until Ganondorf stood up, blocking Marth from entering. "Answer me these questions one and then you sit down."

"Okay..."

"Is your hair its natural colour?"

All attention was abruptly on Marth. The prince blinked, obviously taken aback. "Huh? Are you sure you don't want to ask something about dead babies or death?"

"DEAD BABIES IS NOT A FUNNY TOPIC... unless it happens to be very hysterical. Your hair colour is not one of the colours that every hair is supposed to be now ANSWER QUESTION!" He leaned in closer, his face so terrifyingly calm. "I will know if you are lying. Don't even think about fool."

Marth nervously glanced down the bus to see that all eyes were on him. He licked his lips, ignoring the sweat that was beginning to start up. "I don't see how-"

"STOP FUCKYGAGGING ON A DICK AND ANSWER." Marth quickly answered. "FINALLY!"

"Wait, what? I didn't catch what he said," Bowser said.

Marth began to walk down the aisle. "That's because you all had mental whiplash from Ganon's weird figures of speech. Oh well." He sat beside Roy.

"Nice," Roy commented, holding his hand up for a high five. "You managed to keep them from knowing that your hair is actually strawberry blonde!"

His friend didn't respond, only smashing his face against the seat in front of him, screaming into it.

"I'm trying to picture you with strawberry blonde hair," Link said, his brow furrowed in concentration. "It's hard."

Fox pulled out a laptop and opened it, showing something to Link. "Here's a Photoshop edit."

"Perfect. I'd _love_ to see you walk in like that one day."

Bowser stuck his head over the seat in front of them. "Mewtwo, psychic the dye out of his hair."

The target of his order tore himself from his sulking to respond. "First, 'psychic' isn't a verb. Second, it doesn't work like that. I gather my own body's energy-"

"Don't care anymore." Bowser sat back down. However, his Mario-on-a-stick was poked over next. "'Hey Mewtwo, you-a should totally use your psychic powers to take the dye out of Marth's hair."

"I'm not even going to respond to that."

The return trip was less eventful than the trip there. Ganondorf didn't use the path he had carved from the forest on his way in, instead barrelling through even more trees. When they reached the city Captain Falcon jumped out of a window to buy some pretzels from a hot dog vendor he knew.

"Bye bye birdie," Ganondorf had said, a malicious grin covering his face.

They reached the school just after noon. Upon entering they were greeted by a strange sight: Zelda and Dr. Mario were creeping through the halls, a sledgehammer in Zelda's hand a handheld vacuum in the Mario clone's.

"Do we want to know?" Pit asked, sighing loudly.

"SHHH!" Zelda hissed, glaring concentrated death at the angel. "An animal that was infected with Ganondorf's blood broke free. We need to be very stealthy, that's why Snake's leading the way."

"Where?"

"Right here," a voice behind him said. Kirby screamed, jumping away from the man. "On the battlefield, you must always be alert or your neck's going to end up having a large crack in it."

"Great. We leave for a few days and there's a bloodthirsty monster on the loose," Pikachu sighed. "I'm going home."

"No you aren't. I need as many bodies as I can looking out for this thing."

"Hey, look at this cute little guy!" They turned to see Nana with the inchworm on one of her fingers.

Zelda slowly raised her sledgehammer. "Don't move," she whispered, taking aim for the worm.

As she swung the inchworm jumped, soaring past the hammer wielding nurse and right at Dr. Mario. It landed on his face and attacked, turning the man's head into a bloody mess in seconds. Zelda tried to swing again only for it to escape her attack once more, using her head as a stepping stone to get to Yoshi. "Yoshi does not want, Yoshi!" Yoshi cried as the inchworm removed his pancreas, jumping onto his head and hopping around with the organ held high.

This time, it was unable to avoid getting struck by a horizontal swing which somehow left Yoshi unharmed. The worm crashed into a wall where Zelda blasted it with Din's Fire over and over, leaving nothing but a smouldering mess. "I'll get you a new one," she said to Yoshi. "But first, I need a drink."

"Hold on a minute!" Marth quickly interrupted. "How did a worm do all of that? I've seen some pretty freaky stuff in my time here but that's probably in the top three."

Zelda sighed. "Ganondorf's blood was injected into its system," she explained. "It will make anything it enters in any way violent and very, very angry."

"Violent plus angry plus worm still doesn't equal eviscerating god-worm."

"It _may_ also give you unholy power. That's enough questions for today I say. If you need me I'll be in my office." She turned and began to walk away.

"What about him?" Jigglypuff pointed at the remains of Dr. Mario.

"Meh."

With that incident out of the way they all stood awkwardly in the foyer, unsure if they should go to class now or just sneak home. Their decision was made for them when Master Hand floated down the hallway, doing a double take of the situation. "What bloody hell happened here?"

"Samus did it," Ganondorf almost immediately said.

Master Hand shook his thumb. "Samus, I thought you would be learning in Ganondorf's care, not performing such heinous acts."

"I- what? You're honestly going to believe that?"

"Then what did happen?"

"A psychotic worm killed Dr. Mario and ripped out Yoshi's insides until Zelda blew it up."

"...I'll be in my office."

"You know that there are security tapes that will show you exactly that, right?"

"I find it hard to believe that a _worm_ managed to-"

From the blackened crater burst the inchworm, charred but still alive. It sprung at them with enough force to tear straight through Game & Watch's chest and latch onto Link's ear.

Game & Watch fell to the floor, twitching. "Father, will I dream?"

"Do you think he'll do that every time?" Giga Bowser questioned apathetically.

After a brief struggle Link tore the worm from his ear (along with part of the cartilage) and threw it to the ground, smashing his sole upon it. He then glared at the rest of the class. "Thanks for the help, guys!"

"You had it covered," Marth commented.

Master Hand cleared his throat (?). "Yes, that was... quite good. It appears that I was rather hasty in my judgment."

"Damn straight."

"Do you encounter these types of problems often?"

"From what... I can tell," Lucario began, "it happens... every so often."

"Stop talking like that."


	50. The Set Up

_At the bottom of this chapter will be a little announcement in regards to this story. Don't worry, it's nothing that major. In fact, it pertains to the large gap between this and the last chapter which I apologize for._

_Published March 12, 2011 _

**_Friday November 9th: Week 10, Day 50_**

"CLASS IS IN SESSION!" Ganondorf looked across his classroom, taking in their varying expressions. He joyfully inhaled their fear, letting out a satisfied sigh. "I love it. God help me I love it... I MUST HAVE MORE! Who haven't we brought in yet?"

A list floated to Mewtwo's eye level. He glanced over it, mentally noting the abundance of checkmarks. "We actually need to get rid of more people than we need to get. All we need is Red."

Ganondorf snatched the list from the air, reading it fervently. "So these are who I need to MAIM BEYOND REPAIR? I LOVE IT! Except that one, I felt like I was just starting to like that Mewtwo."

"I'm in the next one."

"I have list right here, you're gone."

With a thought the paper was once again in Mewtwo's possession. "What's going on here?" the psychic Pokémon angrily thought. "I'm an original character with unique moves. Why am I gone?"

"No idea. NOW... I believe there was no Pichu on that list so either evolve into Pikachu or DIE!"

Pichu cowered in his chair, not liking being the in the centre of Ganondorf's vision. "B-but I can only evolve if I like my trainer."

"Well either LIKE ME or LIKE DEATH!"

"Please stop yelling..."

"TO FUCK WITH HELL, I LOVE YELLING! NOW EVOLVE!"

Pichu closed his eyes, focusing really hard on loving Ganondorf and becoming bigger. After a few seconds of failure he cracked an eye open. Ganondorf was sharpening his sword.

Suddenly, Pichu began to flicker. "What's this? Pichu is evolving!" Roy exclaimed. "Dun dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN daaa DUN dun DUN dun DUN dun DUN daaa!" There was a flash of light. "Poof! Pichu has evolved into Galleom! Wait, what?"

What was formerly a tiny yellow rodent was now a massive bipedal transforming robot. "That was unexpectable," Ganondorf commented. "I need to force change more often."

"WHOA!" Galleom, attempting to walk forward, fell over and ended up knocking Giga Bowser off his feet. The spiked shell of the giant fell on top of several students. "So... disoriented."

"Okay that's enough adjusting time for you. Seeing as it's Friday I think we should learn how to use SMASH ATTACKS! I'll demonstrate." Ganondorf thrust his elbow into Donkey Kong's face, the resulting explosion launching the primate through the wall and out of the school. "Everyone go down to wherever he is!"

Diddy Kong took a sip of his tea. "I say good sir, that was not a very gentlemanly action."

"The stereotype will be punching bag today." Ganondorf grabbed Diddy by the tail and jumped out of the hole created by his assault of one of Nintendo's first iconic characters, landing harshly on the chest of his simian cushion.

It didn't take long for the whole class to assemble outside. They knew the pains caused by resistance at this point. Escape was futile. Satisfied that he had broken their hopes of escape, Ganondorf held up the chimp and dangled him in front of their eyes. "Smash attacks are really strong attacks executed by pressing C-stick in any compass direction."

Fox let out a small chuckle. Ganondorf's highly trained ears were able to pick this up and, immediately enraged by his insolence, he turned at the anthropomorphic animal, snarling wildly. "YOU DARE LAUGH AT THE GREAT GANONDORF?"

He shrugged, obviously uninterested in the current happenings. "Not at you per say, just how you use the C-stick."

Ganondorf grabbed Fox by his collar and removed his reflector from his belt. The evil king punched it a few times before reattaching it. "NOW YOUR REFLECTOR SUCK AT KILLING PEOPLE. That's what you get for laughing at the great Ganondorf! Have fun in mid-tier, bitch!"

-A few minutes later-

Contrary to Ganondorf's earlier words, everyone had paired off to practice smashes on each other. He walked between them, observing them as they obliterated each other systematically.

"Mama-mia," Mario whimpered as Giga Bowser charged one of his devastating smash attacks.

"STOP BEING OFFENSIVE TO ITALIANS!" Ganondorf kicked Mario in the back of the head, knocking him onto his front. This resulted in Giga Bowser bringing his fist down on the just plumber's skull instead of his whole body, concentrating the damage. That is now how that works. "Oh, he died. How unfortunate. Have him revived and then DO IT AGAIN! GALLEOM, why are you still learning how to walk?"

Galleom jumped in surprise, frightfully facing the raging maniac. "W-well I don't know how to smash anymore. It used to just be shooting electricity but..."

"ENOUGH EXCUSES!" Ganondorf kicked the behemoth in the shin, breaking several toes. "FUCKING-FATHERS!" He hopped around, cradling the smashed bones.

"Sorry!" Galleom squeaked, backing away from the injured man.

"Hell right you're sorry! I'LL- AGH, DAMMIT!" Ganondorf tripped over an irregularity in the ground, falling and injuring his foot further. Through his pain he noticed that everyone had stopped beating on one another to stare at him. "Start hurting each other again for my amusement! Except you Mewtwo, I need you."

-After a quick inspection from Zelda-

"Kiss it better?"

She smacked him over the head. "I'm not kissing your foot. I managed to heal it but that root caused extensive damage that I couldn't heal completely. I'm afraid you'll be a bit slower at running for a few years which may not help the whole Brawl thing."

"Bah, I'll just hurt everyone more."

"If you can catch them," Mewtwo added in.

"CLASS!" Ganondorf stood up, staggering on his injured foot for a moment. "I have decided that we will have another big tournament on Monday of next week, only this time you will be in four teams and you have battle royale in my neighbour's backyard. Winner does not get the shit beat out of them by everyone else!" He grinned at the psychic Pokémon. "See? I just get them to hurt each other for me. This is the best job ever."

"Do you even get paid here?"

"No," Ganondorf and Zelda simultaneously answered, one with satisfaction and the other with distain.

As the trio of higher ups spoke, Marth pulled Roy and Link to the side. "Since I think Ganondorf will split us up, I think we should call a truce. Roy, can you get those Rainbow Rangers or whatever you call yourselves these days in on our little ceasefire?"

"Of course!" Roy exclaimed excitedly, pumping his fist into the air. "The Palpable Pyros will undoubtedly be in on this alliance among men! The Captain's been really into the recently released Team Fortress 2," he added, explaining the name change. "He's been really down on something about grenades but I don't see what the big deal is."

"That's nice," Marth said unenthusiastically, cutting him off. "The more people we have on our side, the better our chances of not getting blown to bits are."

"Speaking of blown to bits..." Link gestured at Samus who had just uppercut Falco and was following up with a point blank missile preceded by a screw attack. "...think we should get her in on this?"

"Her and Giga Bowser," Marth answered over Falco's half-conscious yells of cheating.

"What about Giga Bowser?" the dragon in question asked from inches behind them. Marth comically jumped in fear, falling to the ground unceremoniously.

He quickly rose, glaring at Link. "Why didn't you catch me?"

"Why would I?"

"Because I was falling!"

"To be completely fair, you _really_ overreacted over someone sneaking up on you and basically saying 'boo.'"

"What about Giga Bowser?" was repeated, this time with large amounts of annoyance present.

"We were wondering if you wanted to join our no-fighting alliance for Ganondorf's battle royale," Roy calmly explained.

Giga Bowser snorted. "I'm not even going to show up. Just say you had violent diarrhea and he'll buy it like a tourist."

Marth cringed. "I will not dishonour myself with tales of diarrhea!"

"I think whatever dignity you had died when you jumped."

A sword flew between them, going through a nearby tree. "STOP TALKING AND HURT EACH OTHER!"

His acts of violence did not go unnoticed. "That wasn't nice," Young Link stated. "You could have hit the older me! Then I'd be dead in seven years."

Link quickly grabbed his younger counterpart, covering his mouth and dragging him away. "And I'll be dead seven years ago if you don't shut up!"

Snake poked his head out of a nearby bush. "Don't want to create a time paradox." As suddenly as he had appeared, he disappeared into the foliage once again.

_Basically, as much as I love completely random chapters, they're getting harder to think of unused ideas for. I've used up a lot of my creative events and, to make sure I can get a regular update rate going again, expect a rise in connected, AKA storyline, chapters such as the tournament, the court case or the field trip. They're just much easier to write and will guarantee that I don't run out of randomness to write about. This doesn't mean I'm not doing stand alone chapters like this anymore, it just means that they won't be as frequent._

_This is basically a heads up since I know some people like these types of chapters and some don't at all._

_Also, Tales of Diarrhea. My immature inner self wants me to tell Namco Bandai to make this game. _


End file.
